Chapter Eighteen
Thanks to my visitor, I was delayed in scrying Raza.
First, I had to tell Tiernan about the King of the Somber Ones—a title which I thought was lacking some panache, so I switched it up to King Crybaby.
Tiernan did not enjoy my humor. He was a little distracted by the fact that King Poopypants had made it past our sentries and had stood there talking to me for a good five minutes without the trained warriors of the Seelie Kingdom noticing.
So, the night watch was doubled, and I had to go over every detail of my talk with the King of Whiners (it's a working title) with Tiernan. Finally, I told T I needed to scry Raza. Tiernan offered to do a check on our guards so I could have our guest room to myself for a few minutes.
“King Raza Tnyn of Unseelie,” I called out.
The crystal remained misty for a long time. I was just about to give up when Raza's face appeared.
“Yes, Seren?” He glared out of the crystal at me.
My initial reaction was to tell him to shove his attitude up his thick ass, but I took a breath and tried to see things from his perspective. What helped the most was remembering how poorly I treated him when he was drawn to me by Danu. Great Gods, I'd been awful.
So I relaxed my face and calmly met his glare. “Thank you for answering.”
His face twitched and he cleared his throat. “I'm busy. I'm on—”
“The Isle of Danu,” I finished for him. “Yes, I heard about you defending me. Thank you, Raza.”
Raza grimaced. “Keir.”
“Yes, my father told me.”
“Look, Seren, as I said, I'm—”
“Raza, I'm sorry!”
He took a deep breath. “I know, Seren.”
“But that's not enough. Babe, you're too important to me for me to keep radio silence.”
“I don't know what that means.”
“It means I'm going to scry you over and over until I handle this situation over here, and then I'm going to Unseelie to handle the situation between us. I'll do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness.”
“Seren, this isn't about you groveling.”
“Isn't it? Because I know Killian told you how I tried to guard myself against—”
“Yes,” he cut me off. “He told me how you tried and how Tiernan succeeded.” Raza narrowed his golden eyes at me.
For a second, I saw the King of Crybabies.
He was the same midnight black as Raza, but without the hints of color that brought Raza to life—the blush of rose on his lips, the whites and gold of his eyes, and the red in his hair.
Even without those spots of color, Raza oozed passion.
He was every good emotion there was, wrapped up in a delicious package slabbed with muscles and studded with claws. The King of Regret was lifeless. Dead.
Raza's passion came roaring out as he snarled, “If you had told us about the dreams, we could have protected you. But instead, you assumed that since you couldn't keep Astaroth away, we had no chance of it. You see us as weaker than you, Seren. I've finally realized it.”
I gaped at him. This was so not where I thought our conversation would go. “No, I don't!”
“Yes, you do. You run off to face threats without us all the time, scoffing when we urge you to take backup. You think your Light and Darkness are the most powerful magics in all the worlds, that they exceed any magic of Fairy.”
“I don't think that.”
“Then why is it that they are the first weapons you turn to when you're in need of defense?”
“They just happen to be the fastest. Firethorns can take a while to form, and they don't blast through things like Light.”
“Seren, you use Light for everything. You fucking clothe yourself in it.”
“I didn't realize it offended you, Raza.” I straightened. “Just because I turn to Anu's magic more than Danu's, it doesn't mean I'm rejecting Fairy. It certainly doesn't mean I'm rejecting you or that I think you're less powerful than I am.”
Raza stared at me. “I have watched you gain power, Seren. I know you're strong. But I am the King of Unseelie. My power is no small thing.”
“Raza, you don't have to remind me of that.” I leaned closer.
“I was at the battle for your throne. I can still see you standing over me in your dragon form, guarding me while I held Cat in my arms.” My eyes filled with tears.
“Raza, you are my strength. How do you not see that? When I falter, you hold me up. When I crumble, you watch over me. I cannot be strong without you.”
Raza let out a breath, his shoulders falling along with his wings. “It feels different now, Seren. As if we are beneath you, but with Astaroth, you've found someone who is your equal.”
I snorted a laugh.
Raza scowled.
“Raza, the King of Hell has nothing on you. You'd beat his ass into Demon mush.”
His lips twitched. “He is rather small.”
“Scrawny, really.”
“And he lacks my intellect.”
I made a face. “Obviously.”
“Yes, you're right. He has nothing on me.” Raza paused and held my gaze. “In addition, I have you.”
“Always, Raza. You have me forever.”
“You come to me in the flesh, not just dreams.”
“Exactly.”
“You deny him for me.”
“I do. I have for a very long time.”
Raza cracked his neck. “Except in those dreams, Seren. You don't deny him in your dreams.”
I sighed. “I shouldn't have kept them from you.”
“If this had been the first time, I would forgive you instantly. But it is not even the second time you have withheld something about Astaroth.”
“I know.”
“I can't trust you with him, mo shíorghrá.”
I went still. He had used his endearment for me. That had to mean he was softening. “Raza, you said the mind is the most real part of me, but Tiernan said it's only a portion of me. The real me is mind and heart.”
“And soul,” he added. “Yes, I was angry. I spoke to hurt you. I know how deceiving dreams can be. I am a Djinn after all. I am a master of illusion and trickery. Which is how I know that dreams and their deceptions can bleed into your waking life.”
“Raza, I do love him. There's no deception in that. The piece of his soul inside me . . . it draws me to him. It makes it easier for me to be deceived in other ways. So maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like fate is involved with us—a fate that Danu circumvented when I arrived here.”
Raza went still. “What are you saying, Seren?”
“I'm saying that Astaroth and I could have been—no, we were meant to rule Hell. I think both of the Gods had plans for me. Danu had four husbands in mind—four men who would help me unite her world. And Anu had his own plans. I think they began with Killian.”
“Killian, Severriel, and Astaroth,” Raza murmured.
“Yes, Anu's three worlds. Anu charged Killian with guarding me even while Danu drew us together.
Where Danu saw Killian as a bridge, Anu saw him as a king.
Three kings for his three worlds. United by the World Strider.
It's a mirror image of what his sister wanted.
But Danu got to me first. When I married Killian, I think Anu saw it as an opportunity to complete his plan even though his sister had won the first round.
I think that's why Danu added Daxon. It was to tip the scales in her favor.”
“This isn't a game.”
“It is to them, Raza. That's not to say it's trivial. Just that they move us like putting pieces down on aboard. Blocking each other. Making power plays. Anu made his play, but he was thwarted by Danu's pieces. By you.”
“Because we said no to Astaroth.”
“Yes, and I love you so very much, Dragon, that I will deny another love for you. But you also scare me.”
“What?!” Raza leaned forward. “Seren, don't you ever fear—”
“I'm afraid of losing you, Raza. You and the others. Every time something happens with Astaroth, it scares the hell out of me. Pun intended. I don't want to set foot on Hell because of the four of you.”
“Five. You forgot Severriel.”
“No, I haven't. Sever is Anu's child, despite what he or Danu says. He would accept Astaroth eventually. But the rest of you will not. And so, Anu made a grave mistake. I was supposed to help Hell. Now, I won't. The World-Strider refuses to stride.”
“Because of me?”
“For you. Raza, for you, I will stand still while Hell crumbles. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the dreams. They terrified me. I was scared of what you would say. Sometimes, I feel like a child when I speak to you.”
“You are a child compared to me,” he teased.
“Yes, you're centuries older and have been through things I can't imagine. You've fought in wars on Earth and Fairy. You've survived the Unseelie Court and now rule it. You make me feel small and silly sometimes, Raza. Compared to you, I'm a foolish girl.”
“Seren, no.” Raza's expression went wounded.
“I know you don't mean to make me feel that way.
But, babe, you're incredible. It's fucking intimidating.
Do you know how hard it is for me to stand up to you?
Your presence alone is so commanding, I feel like .
. . I don't know. But I know what I don't feel.
I don't feel more powerful than you. Power is more than the strength of your magic.
It doesn't matter how much magic I gain; I will never be your equal.”
“Ah, you're still talking. I'll come back,” Tiernan's voice came from behind me.
I turned to see him standing in the doorway.
“No, T. Uh, would you mind if I went to see Raza for a little while?”
“Of course not, love. Go.”
“Thank you.” I looked at Raza. “Can I come see you? I think we need to finish this conversation in person.”
“If you don't, I will fly to you this very instant.”
“I'm coming.” I closed the scry phone, kissed Tiernan goodbye, summoned my Angel magic, and laruked to Raza.