Chapter 16 #2
‘I know it is. But at that time, I just put what had happened to the back of my mind because I didn’t really know if anything had happened.
We all thought Paul was so cool. He’s a lot younger than Ed’s Dad, as they are half-brothers.
They had the same dad, but Paul’s mum was much younger than their dad, so Paul was in fact closer in age to Ed than he was to his own brother.
That’s why he used to hang round with us lot so much.
Ed and I still saw each other as much as we could within my curfew times.
Around March time I missed my period but put it down to stress as I was studying hard for my exams. I didn’t mention it to my parents, but my clothes started to feel a bit tight and certain foods made me feel sick.
Looking back now I should have realised that I was pregnant, but the naiveté of youth pushed all those symptoms to one side.
It was only in late April time when Mother and I had had another flaming row because I had pretended to go swimming with Ginny, and I had yet again stormed out of the house.
I in fact had gone to Mark’s pool party – the photos were in the papers - but there was no way I could ever have told my parents that that’s what I wanted to do.
I had snuck back home for a bath after being at Mark’s when my mother caught sight of me coming out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me that she started to suspect.
She had a good look at my stomach which at this stage wasn’t huge, as I think I was probably only about twelve weeks or so, maybe a bit more, but my once nipped in waist had long since disappeared.
She shouted at me again and again, asking me if I was pregnant and I kept shrugging my shoulders as I really didn’t know if I was or not at that time.
She was relentless and kept asking me who the father was.
I just stood there silently hoping that Dad would get back early, just for once and stick up for me.
She kept prodding me and prodding me, pushing me further and further across the landing shouting at me calling me every name under the sun.
I never knew that Mum could be so foul mouthed.
She was like a woman possessed. I honestly thought she was going to push me down the stairs.
Just as she was gearing up for another slanging match, I heard Dad’s key in the door and heaved a sigh of relief.
At least he would be on my side. She called him upstairs and blurted out to Dad that I had gone and got myself pregnant.
He asked her to calm down and made mother go downstairs.
He sat me down and asked if it was true.
I told him I wasn’t sure. Dad was brilliant and arranged for me to see a friend of his who was a private doctor, and she confirmed that I was over three months pregnant.
I was shocked to say the least. I thought we had been careful but obviously we hadn’t.
I wasn’t allowed to see any of my friends, so Ed didn’t even get to know that I was pregnant.
They pulled me out of school immediately and my mother and I went to stay with her sister, Auntie Maureen in Bournemouth.
They also got me a home tutor. Once the pregnancy was confirmed my whole life changed. ’
I take a breath and look at Gray, who has tears in his eyes.
I can tell he’s heartbroken now he knows the truth.
But I can’t work out if he’s heartbroken at what I went through or the fact I kept it from him.
Maybe he thinks I don’t trust him, which is not the case at all.
I had to put my secret baby behind me and move on for my own sanity.
‘Did you have the baby?’ Gray said with barely a whisper as he struggles to get the words out.
‘I had complications at just over eight months, and I lost a lot of blood as I gave birth. I had a blood transfusion. We were both very weak and poorly.’ I reply.
‘But yes, I had a little girl. Because I was so out of it, I didn’t get to see her properly.
Milly. At least, that’s what I would have called her if I’d been able to keep her. ’
‘Oh, Genie. I’m so sorry.’ he says as he pulls me in close. I breathe him in, tears coming to my own eyes.
‘It was all my fault she was so small.’ I murmur.
‘I had smoked and had carried on drinking as I had no idea I was pregnant. She never stood a chance. And now Ed is back, I’m frightened that he’ll find out.
Have you seen the latest from TikTok? There’s some influencer type with her conspiracy theories, speculating that I was pregnant.
I feel bad that Ed never knew he was a dad, but I thought he’d never get the opportunity.
At the time, I wished he knew, but now…’ I bite my bottom lip.
‘So much time has passed. I’m so sorry I never told you about Milly.
’ I say, as I wrap my arms around Gray, desperately hoping he won’t judge me too harshly.
Although, no one can judge me as hard as I’ve judged myself.
‘I can’t believe you went through all of that, and you never told me.’ Gray says, shaking his head in disbelief.
I immediately feel my body clench at the words “you never told me”.
‘You’ve carried all that guilt for years, but it does make sense why you have such a fractured relationship with your parents.’ he continues. ‘What happened to Milly?’
‘The original plan went ahead: she was adopted to a good Catholic family. Or, at least, that’s what I was told. Apparently, they could give her all she’d ever need. Everything I couldn’t provide.’ I reply sadly.
‘Kids need love. You could have provided that.’
I look up at Gray, love in my teary eyes.
Part of me, a big part of me, wishes I’d told him years ago.
He would have understood my erratic behaviour, fought with me through this mess and helped me emotionally in every way I needed.
All this fear I’ve built up over the years is now crumbling before me.
Fear that didn’t even need to be there in the first place.
‘And you’ve not had any further contact since then?’ asks Gray.
‘No.’ I lean my forehead against his chest, shame running through me.
‘I’ve always thought about her, but I try to remember that I gave her a good life by letting someone else bring her up.
I was almost eighteen when she was born, and I had absolutely nothing to offer her.
’ I look up at him, trying to read his face.
‘I’m sorry, Gray, that I wasn’t honest with you when we first met.
But the longer I left it, the harder it seemed to tell you the truth. ’
‘It’s a lot to take in. You have another daughter.
The kids have a grown-up half-sister. I can’t quite get my head around it all.
Does Maura know?’ I shake my head. His arms loosen around me as the information sinks in.
‘You’ve been so brave telling me about Milly.
Thank you for being so honest. It explains so much…
’ says Gray, deep in thought, a single tear rolling down his cheek.
A single tear for the stepdaughter he never had, or a single tear for my dishonesty.
The secret I’ve been harbouring for over thirty years is finally out, but this is just the beginning. I still must tell the kids, and Gray could still decide this is all too much and he can’t be with me anymore. I just feel so emotionally drained.
‘I’m so tired, Gray. I need to go to bed.’
‘You go on up. I’ll tidy up.’ Gray replies, kissing my cheek gently.
Relieved that Gray finally knows my secret, I gratefully climb the stairs and half-heartedly attempt to take off my makeup.
I go to close the shutters in our bedroom and catch sight of Gray in the garden.
He sits down on the decking, lights a cigarette and sips at what looks like a neat whiskey.
Gray gave up smoking years ago, but I know he’s been having the odd one here and there as I’d seen a pack in his work bag the other day, when I was looking for a phone charger.
I guess we all have our secrets. Some just aren’t as big as others.
He necks the rest of his whiskey and stubs out his cigarette and makes a move to go inside to lock up.
He’ll be upstairs soon so I quickly get into bed and feign sleep.
Fifteen minutes later he walks to his side of the bed, slips in beside me, our bodies so perfectly in tune with each other, his legs fitting into the bend of mine as they do every night.
He kisses the back of my head and settles down to sleep.
I only hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me.
We need to explain everything to the children and fast before the media find out that I’m #thegirlinthesong that everyone has been looking for.