Chapter 44
GENIE
Now
Since Emma left, I’ve spent so much time almost tying myself up in knots trying to work out the best way to contact Ed.
Gray thinks that I should maybe try and message him via Instagram which is the probably the best idea so far.
I think he lives in Teddington as it’s been mentioned in a recent magazine article, so he’s quite close by but I don’t know his exact address, so a letter is out of the question and imagine if the letter got into the wrong pair of hands.
I’m just grateful that I’ve never bumped into him at the supermarket over the years, but I don’t see Ed as a kind of weekly shop kind of guy.
We’ve ruled out contacting his management company as I would like to speak to Ed face to face.
He deserves that much. Gray thankfully, as always, is supporting me in my need to speak to Ed and finally put to rest my long-kept secret which unfortunately thanks to TikTok and Amira Malik is now public knowledge.
After a somewhat robust media campaign of trying to find #thegirlinthesong things have quietened down a little and the TikTok sleuths have turned their thoughts to another poor family to investigate whose daughter has disappeared on her first girls’ holiday in Spain.
So now poor Daisy-Mae Jackson’s pretty face with her blonde bobbed hair is plastered all over social media.
I just can’t stop thinking about how her parents must be feeling and for a moment I feel sorry for the grief that I caused my parents when I left Bournemouth all those years ago.
Not so much my mother but my dear dad who has spent a lifetime trying to make my mother happy, sometimes to the detriment of his own happiness.
It was only when I met Gray that he encouraged me to reach out to my parents again; to mend bridges as we were planning on getting married.
They were impressed by Gray making me a respectable woman and he had a good job too.
Then, when after years of trying to conceive, my parents were finally rewarded with a legitimate granddaughter in Cassie who has remained a favoured grandchild ever since.
I remind myself that I had a very good reason for leaving whereas Daisy-Mae seems to have disappeared into thin air, after leaving a nightclub alone, having been separated from her friends on a night out. Every parent’s nightmare.
I feel so agitated and fidgety and can’t seem to settle on any one task.
The cleaning is up to date, and I’ve already put two loads of washing outside on the line.
I’ve emptied the dishwasher, the kids are out, Gray’s at work so I’m left with my own thoughts.
I seem to be in cognitive overload; as my brain flits from memories of those happy, carefree days of being with Ed, to my pregnancy with Milly and then the utter heartbreak of having to give her away, my postnatal blues and having to deal with my milk coming through but having no baby to feed and then feeling the relief and the freedom of escaping from Bournemouth, away from my mother and aunt and their religious mania.
And then for the first time in ages having security and feeling accepted and safe in Brighton with Maura and the gang.
And finally feeling cared for and cherished and almost ‘fixed’ by Gray coming into my life and the pure joy of having a proper family with him with the arrivals of both Cassie and Will.
I start listening to the radio and momentarily I’m distracted by an 80s radio station and then I’m right back with Ed and the gang and I remember all the fun we had back then when the most important thing was being allowed to go to the next party or gig as the radio station plays songs which make up the soundtrack of my youth.
Being with Ed had been such a buzz back then and I do remember the pure magical thrill when he played the song that he’d written for me for the very first time at Ginny’s birthday party.
He was my first love but if I hadn’t got pregnant, we would probably have split up eventually, I expect.
It’s very rare that you stay with your first love.
And then of course I met Gray, who must be the most tolerant and loving man ever, who has taught me what true love really is; it’s passionate, raw and loving, where your partner accepts you for your authentic self and that is just how Gray treats me.
I, on the other hand seem to have brought complete chaos into Gray’s life but I do wholeheartedly love him with every bone in my body.
Despite everything that has happened I feel that we are stronger than ever, and I can cope with anything that life throws us, if I have him by my side.
I search for my iPad and open the notes part of it and start writing an open letter to Ed.
I write a few sentences, and I know that the words just aren’t flowing.
I’ll discuss it with Gray when he gets back from work.
His advice is always that less words are more effective, but I think in the first instance I just need to establish contact with Ed.
I can then hopefully explain everything to him face to face if we decide to meet.
I make myself a cup of tea and lose myself in social media as I watch video after video where numerous people post their theories about my life and Ed’s, and I realise that from now on our lives will always be stringently linked – not just through the numerous social media posts that are out there but ultimately through our daughter. It’s quite a sobering thought.
With Gray still at work until at least 7pm and the children are out with friends, still enjoying the untethered freedom of the never-ending summer holidays, I continue my frenzied search for all things #thegirlinthesong, remembering to use my dummy TikTok account to watch some of Ed’s recent posts which somehow have passed me by.
He’s taken to posting videos outlining the meanings of all the songs on their debut album Past Times.
And then in one of his posts, there it is, his plea for me to reach out to him.
As I watch his video on repeat, his words seem quite heartfelt, and I now know that contacting him is the right thing to do.
I sit under the shade of the umbrella on our sunny patio feeling grateful for all that I have, as I look around our beautiful garden with its carefully mowed lawn (which is Gray’s one and only job to do at home) but one that he does to absolute perfection and although I’m overwhelmed by all the recent revelations, I also feel the most secure in my marriage now that there are no secrets between us.
My worry was once Gray knew everything about me, he would start to feel differently about me but if anything, it has strengthened our relationship, and I feel happy and very much loved and cared for.
I once again start to compose a suitable message to Ed.
This time my mind seems clearer and before long, although brief, I’ve now got an idea of what I want to say to Ed.
Now that I have a clear plan of contacting Ed, I start to feel more relaxed than I have done in ages, and I reach for my current read and spend a good half an hour just enjoying getting lost in someone else’s story.
As the sun starts to set behind the trees at the end of our garden, I glance at the time and gather up my book and cup and walk inside to start dinner.
The oppressive heat from yet another hot day still hangs in the air, so I’ve decided to keep things simple tonight with a chicken salad.
There’s no point slaving in a hot kitchen.
I made some potato salad – Gray’s absolute favourite – earlier in the day so if the children return from their friends’ houses, there’s plenty of food for everyone should they want it.
I set the table and wait for Gray to return.
I check my messages, and he says that he’s on his way home, but he missed his usual train.
I’m not particularly hungry so I decide to wait until Gray gets in but instead, I open a bottle of wine and pour myself a small glass and return to the garden and light a citronella candle to keep the midges away and place it on the patio table.
My thoughts turn to my old school friend Ginny, and I search online and reread the damning newspaper articles where her ex-husband sold her photos of all of us to the press and made up a load of lies about us all.
She must be mortified to be betrayed like that.
Although Ed has exploited our romance to enhance his career, at least he hasn’t sold any photos of us and now all he seems to want is clarity over whether he is a father or not.
I’m not going soft on him but I’m slowly appreciating how it must have been for him when I left.
When I was in Bournemouth before I had Milly all I thought about was him and I was desperate to talk to him, but once our baby had been given away, I knew it was best for everyone for me to remain silent and to keep my distance.
Ginny looks stunning in the newspaper’s accompanying photos.
Life has been kind to her, despite her ex-husband revelations.
Would there be some time in the future where we might be friends again, I ponder.
From the articles, it seems that she is in touch with Ed.
She’d always had a soft spot for him but as soon as Ed and I met, we were inseparable.
I think about maybe getting in touch with her again, but I really need to talk to Ed first. I take another sip of my wine, enjoying the delicate fruity undertones as it slips down my throat somewhat too easily.
I hear the notification of our Ring doorbell and see Gray’s handsome face show up on my phone.
Moments later he pops his head round the patio doors.
‘Am I glad to see you. it’s been one of those days where I haven’t stopped.’ Gray says, loosening his tie and undoing his top button taking a seat at the table.