Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
ANNIE
The breeze barely ruffled the leaves in the golden hedge, but I was grateful of the shade they provided as I sat, head bowed, on the smooth bench.
I felt drained from the conversation I’d had with Jade, though I was glad I’d told her, that we were getting closer at last. I had never expected to talk again about the day I’d left Ryan, especially not with a virtual stranger, but I’d known I had no choice.
And deep down, I had been aware of the fact that she deserved to hear every detail, to understand how close she had come to losing her daughter.
Perhaps now she would feel able to open up and share her own story with me.
It wouldn’t be easy for her. There was so much shame and denial involved.
He had always been able to twist every situation to put the blame on me.
I could so easily picture how he had done the same to her.
The fact that she’d been brave enough to leave was a miracle in itself.
The shock on her face had shown me that she hadn’t expected my story to be so dark, and I wondered if that was a good thing.
Perhaps he hadn’t shown her his true colours to their full extent yet.
They had barely been married a year, and even if they’d met straight after I left, they could only have been together three years at most. The violence had crept up so slowly in my time with him that I was already trapped before I realised how bad it had become.
The control had been his first weapon. And it had been so clever, so sick, I had missed the warning signs.
It was possible she’d had more of a sense of self-preservation and had left at the first signs, as I should have done.
The thought that it hadn’t been so bad for her was a comfort, but I wished she would share what he’d put her through so I could know for sure.
I was almost certain now that Ryan wasn’t going to show up. Jade seemed in no rush to leave, and she was such a good mother, I had no doubt that protecting her daughter was her first priority. If she had any fears over him coming here, she’d have left by now. Found somewhere safer to hide.
I’d been so lucky that he had never known of this place while we were together.
He’d taken an instant dislike to my parents during the handful of pub lunches we’d shared, though he’d been overtly charming to the point of sleazy, and he’d never joined me when I’d visited them here in the early days of our relationship.
It hadn’t taken long before he’d guilted me into cancelling my visits in favour of keeping him company.
If he’d known where they lived, or bothered to keep in touch with them, he’d have tracked me down the moment he returned from Scotland, seething at having found his mother alive and well, knowing that for once in his life he’d fallen for someone else’s game.
The image of him arriving home to find the flat empty, tearing it apart in his search for me – to punish me – sent a shiver down my spine, and I rose to my feet, needing to move.
What if he did come, though? What if he was just biding his time?
My instincts were tingling. Jade still seemed so wary of everything, so jumpy, and though I knew she and I were on the same side, I couldn’t help but think of the threats he might have made.
She was trapped in a world of fear – a place I knew like the back of my hand – and that frightened me because a scared woman was capable of bending her morals, but a mother would cast her values to the wind if it meant protecting her child…
as I should have done. I should have slit that bastard’s throat in his sleep to save my son.
It wasn’t the first time the thought had crossed my mind.
I’d imagined ramming a knife into his chest, watching the blood spurt, hearing him beg me to stop, to save him.
I’d pictured going back to that first missed period, when I’d tentatively shared the news that I was expecting, only to have him spit in my face.
I should have done something then. Poured rat poison in his coffee.
Thrown petrol over him and flung a match into his smug face. Anything to save my son.
I was sure Jade had been through the same thoughts during her pregnancy. She’d been strong enough to save her child, and I was glad. And now that she was here with me, we could figure out a way to make sure that man would never hurt us again.
Nervous energy rippled through my veins, and I felt an urgent need to pick up my shovel, move my body, do something. I walked briskly back up the path towards the house, stopping short before I reached it. I could hear Jade’s voice floating down from her bedroom window. Was she talking to Amala?
I moved closer, making sure to keep to the grass to soften my footsteps, and paused, listening.
Her voice was hurried, harsh; clearly she wasn’t speaking to the baby. She sounded like she was on the phone. But how? Hadn’t I smashed hers to pieces?
Heart racing, I slipped through the back door and, as quietly as I could, skipping over the floorboards I knew to be creaky, tiptoed up the stairs to listen outside her bedroom door. I held my breath as she spoke.
‘I’m not your wife any more!’ she said sharply.
‘Not for much longer anyway…’ There was a pause, and I could hear her pacing across the floor as she spoke again.
‘ What ? No! Please just answer my question. Tell me what I need to do so we can finish this! I can’t live like this any more – I need it to be over!
’ Another pause. ‘I don’t want to see you. I’m not going to tell you that.’
A burst of white dots exploded across my vision, panic igniting in my chest. I let out a long breath, gripping the wall to steady myself. She was talking to Ryan! Why on earth had she contacted him? What a stupid, stupid girl! What could possibly be worth taking such a risk?
I waited to hear more, but the church bells began to ring, reverberating through the open window, drowning out whatever she was saying.
All the bravado, the strong-willed intentions to stand up for myself, leached out of my bones, and I turned, rushing for my own bedroom, stepping into the safe little cocoon and bolting the door from the inside.
I would not open it, not for her, not for anybody. I would not let him take me again.
I curled into a ball on the carpet and trained my eyes on the door, knowing it was only a matter of time. He was coming.