Chapter 12 Thayla #3
His eyes bounce back and forth across mine as though he’s searching for an answer to a question he didn’t even ask. My attempt to get up is futile as he laces his arm around me and tugs me more firmly against his chest.
“I swear to you, may the Valories strike me dead if I lie, I’ll talk if you talk. I want the worst of the worst, though. Not just this situation, but the worst thing you’ve ever experienced. Then I’ll tell you mine.”
My gaze locks on his as my breath hitches. There’s no power pushing him. Without the maddening swirl in his irises, I see this request for what it really is.
Gods…it isn’t prying or curiosity.
Nor is it a truth that he can hold over my head later.
“Do you ask people to tell you things, hoping that it’s dark so you can relate to them?”
His head jerks and his grip on me flexes for a second before he loosens it once again.
“You share. I’ll share.”
My saliva slides down my throat like glass. My body falls still in his hands as I weigh both his questions and what I may get from him if I’m honest.
Is this something he’s needed the whole time?
My ugly truth so he’d feel comfortable talking about his own?
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know if you want to share with me—”
“No, I don’t know what my worst is. I’m not sure if I’ve ever known. Prior to meeting the four of you, I could’ve rattled off a list of things that’ve happened to me, but they were minuscule in my mind. They’ve started taking up more space in my thoughts than I care for lately.”
I try to pull my face from his hand, but he doesn’t allow it. I close my eyes so I don’t have to face him.
“The four of you make me feel so stupid, and you don’t even mean to or know that’s how I feel.”
His fingers twitch against my jaw.
“Well, Amick makes everyone feel stupid, but what have Creed, Kyzen, and I done to receive such slander?”
Such slander…I definitely didn’t say what I was trying to say right.
“None of you have backhanded me when I say something sarcastic or sassy.”
His entire body tenses beneath me.
Still didn’t get it right.
“Excuse me?”
Fuck it.
“None of you have come home and immediately demanded I make you food or clean up your mess or tend to whatever else needs tending to. You haven’t made a checklist for me to follow that I have to have done before I can leave the house or I’d be punished.
“None of you have raised your voice to me in anger because of something I’ve said or done. You haven’t pitted me in a training group of much stronger, much more capable men, and basically told them to fight me how they pleased.
“Creed’s never whipped me for beating him in training. Kyzen’s never slapped me for saying an inappropriate joke in front of people and embarrassing him. Amick’s never refused to let me eat because I asked too many stupid questions. You…
“That day when you reached me in the Court as I dangled from those chains, you didn’t whisper in my ear, promising you’d make me feel something other than pain, then bent me over and fucked me while spreading my blood across my new wounds—”
My arms wrap around his neck for balance as he practically jumps out of the bath. He doesn’t say a word as he stomps into my room.
His skin vibrates beneath my fingers as he just…paces.
The erratic beat of his heart pounds against my ribcage and my soul frantically tries to reach for his.
The path he’s creating in front of my fireplace makes my eyes go crossed, but each time I try to push myself off his chest, he grips me tighter.
Minutes pass without a word spoken between us.
His breathing finally slows down as he walks us into my closet and sets me on my feet.
I force my gaze to stay focused on his face rather than travel his very naked body. It isn’t that hard to accomplish, though, when he starts slinging my clothes around.
I open my mouth to ask him what he’s looking for, but the deadly glare he shoots my way shuts me up immediately.
With an oversized T-shirt clenched in his fist, he spins me around, strips my wet underwear and bra off in a split second, then snatches the shirt over my head.
I’m so dizzy from his quick movements, I wobble.
He lifts me just as fast and marches out of the closet. With every step he takes, our surroundings change a little.
All the lights go out, but the fireplace blazes to life. Half the curtains close, while the other stays open, revealing a small shred of moonlight.
Well, I sure didn’t know giving him permission in here gives him permission to command my shit…
I don’t make any sudden moves or say anything as he gets us situated in my bed with him lying on his back and me cuddled into his side.
My nearly naked body is painfully aware that he’s completely unclothed still.
“Continue.”
“Riven, I don’t think—”
“I said continue. Right from where you left off.”
My breath fans across my fingers that are drawing circles on his chest.
“The list can go on and on. It might take me as many years to admit it all as it took to happen. My worst of the worst, though, may very well be what I’ve already admitted. The four of you make me feel stupid sometimes and that isn’t a slur or slander against any of you, but myself.”
I pinch my eyes closed as the familiar shame washes over me. I don’t believe I’ll ever grow used to this sickening feeling.
“It’s not that I didn’t realize the things happening to me were bad, because I did.
I wasn’t that blind. It hasn’t been until coming here, living with the four of you, though, that I realized I’ve done and said some of the same things to you that I said to them.
The reactions have been so vastly and painstakingly different, I’ve had no choice but to face the facts.
“I was accepting their abuse because I believed I was at fault and was getting what I deserved. I knew better than to push them. I knew what my actions and words could bring me, yet that didn’t stop me.
Maybe I did deserve some things. Maybe there were times I went too far.
What’s even worse is now I play mind games with myself.
I’ll remember something they did, and my first reaction is to break down what I did that caused it so I don’t repeat it with one of you. ”
Like I’ve been doing by pushing someone, anyone, to talk to me over the last four days.
It’s going to eventually get my ass cussed out.
“Even now, after everything, I mentally defend them and belittle myself. I still don’t know what the worst thing they’ve ever done to me is because I can’t separate their reaction from my own. I am my own worst, Riven.”
“No.”
“What do you—”
“I said no. Fuck no. Take it back right now. You’re not the worst anything. You are the best little burden to ever fly into my life. I will gut them in their sleep—never mind I want them awake—then I’ll bring you their hearts.”
My neck cranes back until I can peer into his eyes. A small, admittedly, watery smile crosses my lips as I cup his cheek and make him glance down at me.
“Come back to me. No Chaos, no Harmony. Just you.”
The swirling burgundy takes a while to completely stop spinning. When it finally does, the sheer anger on my behalf takes my breath away.
“I’ll respect the fact that these are your feelings and opinions on the matter.
But you’re wrong. Some lessons take a long time to learn, but we will teach you.
I may be shit at taking things seriously compared to my brothers, but I swear to you now, and until forever, I’ll do whatever necessary to make sure you learn you’re not the reason for other people’s evil. ”
I swallow harshly at his seriousness and at the cloud of darkness that drifts across his face.
“I’ve let you off too easy. Give me more details.”
My head shakes a few times.
“Tell me your worst, Riven.”