Chapter 31 Amick #2
“That’s not true whatsoever.”
“Yeah, okay. What was the real reason?”
I casually roll up the agreement as I would any other scroll and tuck it into my desk drawer. He stands there, shifting from side to side while I organize the books I pulled out to use to make Thayla’s notes.
“Do you know what doppia disaccord means?” I ask.
His brows scrunch. “I’m not sure. Is that what he came to ask you about?”
“Yes, and I don’t know what it means either.” His eyes widen and he whistles. The racket echoes around my office in an annoying flutter. “How are you not sure if you know what something means or not?”
“Same as you, Amick. Do you remember absolutely everything you’ve learned over the years?”
I grit my teeth. “You know I don’t, but one day, I will. And I try incredibly hard to now.”
“Well, I won’t ever remember everything I learn, but I will look into that for you if you want me to.”
“I suppose two sets of eyes are better than one.”
He huffs at me and plops down in Thayla’s seat. My nostrils twitch.
“What’s got you wound so tight today?”
“I’m not wound tight.”
“You are. You just made a face of disgust at me.”
I attempt to fix my face, but that only makes him chuckle.
“I’m not wound tight. I’m irate, irritated, and missing Thayla’s company.” He smirks and I frown at him. “Do not pick on me. I realize I left her less than an hour ago, but it’s not the same without her here every day. I miss her laughter filling the silence.”
“I know. I’m not picking. I find it endearing that you feel that and even expressed it to me. You want to tell me why you’re also irate and irritated?”
I grab the decree from Harriseen and pass it over to him without an explanation. He’ll understand as soon as he reads it.
It sullies his mood just as it did mine.
“I hate him, Amick.”
I nod. His admission is delivered low, like it’s the opposite of fury, but in fact, it’s the purest form of it.
It’s a raw hatred that I somehow completely understand.
I thought I knew what hate felt like due to all the things done to my brothers and me in our adolescence.
I had no clue how consuming that emotion could truly be until my Binder was hurt by the very beings who hurt us. There are depths to it, and I believe I’m very close to reaching the bottom.
He exhales as he runs his palm down his face. The shift from on the edge to giving me a tight smile is swift but not concerning.
“So is the plan for today to still gather those notes for Thayla and practice with her this afternoon?”
“Yeah, if practice is what she wants to do. I think it’ll be beneficial for her to go one by one, get a sense of the power in her body, then go from there. We’ll do it however she wants, though.”
“I think she wants you to tell her what to do.”
“She doesn’t want anyone to tell her what to do.”
“That’s not completely true.” He snorts and a devious smirk crosses his lips.
I don’t know what’s funny about that. “In this case, though, I think she wants you to take the lead. She doesn’t exactly know what questions to ask and honestly, I really think that’s what overwhelms her.
The thought of what questions to ask, then second-guessing if she’s even asking the right ones.
She wants you to guide her and I think you should. Who better than you?”
“You, obviously. You always know exactly what to say and how to say it.”
“Not always.”
“Don’t doubt yourself, Kyzen. You know a great deal often what to say to all of us. As for today, we’ll start off easy and see how she feels. She should learn from all of us, though, not just me.”
“If you say so. Are you planning like a refresher for today or jumping into something new?” he asks.
“If she wants a refresher, she can blast you with her Seduction, then we can move on.”
I refuse to allow my smile to slip free as he groans desperately.
There isn’t a doubt in my mind that she could call her Seduction up with a single command. Although she hasn’t used it, as far as I know, since the Abandon, she had a great grasp on it before then.
“Why me? I mean, not that I’ll ever turn that down, but don’t get pissy with us if we have to take a break as soon as your lesson begins.”
“There’s nothing in this realm I enjoy more than watching her fall apart. So if she needs a break to release some sexual tension, I surely won’t be stopping or dissuading her.”
He tosses his head back, laughing, and my lips curve the smallest bit. He’s happiest anytime she’s mentioned.
It’s fascinating to witness.
“Can I ask you something?”
“I feel that since you asked that rather than just asking your question, then it’s something personal.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Go on.”
“Has she been sending you…how do I put this, a very strong, undeniable sensation down your soul every night?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know what that emotion is?”
My eyes narrow.
“Is this a trick question that I’m about to get wrong?”
“No, not at all. I swear to the Valories.”
“Then why are you asking?”
“I just want to make sure you understand.”
I force myself not to fidget, but I allow my finger to tap against my thigh. My soul warms in the way it always does when I think deeply about Thayla.
“What if I don’t have a word for the emotion?”
“That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. Do you feel comfortable explaining the emotion to me?”
My body falls still as my mind unravels the words I want to say.
I usually have an explanation for everything.
That…sensation, I’m not so sure.
“Much like her, it arrives without warning. Unignorable, but it doesn’t demand my attention, although it steals it anyway.”
I rub at my heart. Right where I feel it the strongest.
“When it touches my soul, everything slows. My thoughts align, then settle into a silence any other time they’d refuse to.”
He nods. “Is it comforting?”
“It is,” I answer, then exhale. “It feels like being recognized. As though some essential part of me—one I didn’t realize was obscured—has been seen and accepted without examination or scrutiny. There’s no expectation attached to it. No demand that I be more or less than I am.”
I swallow as for some reason, my throat clogs and tightens unbearably.
“It carries warmth but not heat. Pressure but not pain. It fills spaces I didn’t know were empty. When it fades, I’m unpleasantly aware of the absence immediately. I continue to function, but I’m not as pleased.”
His voice turns gentle. “Do you like that feeling?”
“That’s the real difficulty,” I respond as quietly as he asked.
“I want nothing except for it to continue, but I don’t know how to express that to her.
How do you say, whatever that sensation is that you’re sending me makes me feel like I’m a vast archive and you’re the book that completes the entire catalog?
Without her, the whole structure falls to ruin. ”
He tears his gaze from mine and a cold chill races across my body. I don’t know if I said something wrong, but a wash of something rolls over me.
“Did I—”
“You couldn’t have explained it better, Amick.” My breath rushes out of me and that shiver immediately leaves me. “I’m working on a surprise for Thayla, and I’d like to include you, Creed, and Riven. If you want, I’ll explain the surprise and what the emotion is that you’re describing to me.”
My head is bobbing before my acceptance even crosses my mind.
I sit still, listening and absorbing the lesson he’s teaching me with more concentration than I’ve ever given any other lesson in my life.
The more he talks, the harder my heart pounds and the more difficult it becomes to keep my soul from reaching out to Thayla.
Mysenta.
If I could control time, I’d fast-forward it to the moment he has planned for us.
He included me in this.
He thought about all of us.
Creed, Riven, and I may do many different things for our Binder, but something of this magnitude, this perfect…We never would’ve accomplished this without him.
“All of that sounds good to you? Do you have any questions?” I shake my head and he smiles brightly. “Good. I’ll leave you to it then so you can get her notes together. We’ll see you this afternoon.”
He rises from the chair, and my mouth opens and closes repeatedly. I’m lost for words but desperately want to say something to him.
“Kyzen.” I force his name through my choked throat by the time he reaches the door. “Thank you. For all that you do.”
He winks, hiding his own sentiment so he doesn’t make me feel embarrassed.
“Anytime.”