Chapter 21 Thayla #3
“Like, if Yemi had no association with me, this never would’ve happened to her. She literally got kidnapped and thrown into Hellveilious because of me. Shit continues to change for her because of me.
“I killed multiple people today. They weren’t Dark Gods or creatures but criminals. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty about that. The man I turned to ash, he…” My throat closes, and I choke down the lump as I tell him what Dimitri did to Mazie’s family.
I’ll never forget her name.
After a deep breath, I keep going.
“I continue to need all of you to rescue me because this weird-ass fucking tie in me has created powers that had a mind of their own but now seem to be altering or settling or whatever in favor of him. The only thing they do is cause me issues. More issues for all of us. Gods and all of you.” I pause again, rubbing my hands down my face.
When he squeezes my hips and opens his mouth, I press my finger to his lips to keep him from speaking.
“I feel so much guilt over putting you in the position I’ve put you in. And I don’t just mean me wanting all of you. That’s causing enough issues between the four of you.
“The consequences of us failing this quest for the Binding sits in my mind all day, every day. Not just because I’m afraid of us failing and him taking me, but also, I know you four will follow me.
If that happens, I want you to follow me.
I can’t picture a life without you all in it now.
I feel like the realm’s most selfish person for wanting and saying that.
There’s a chance, because of me, you’ll all have to go back to that horrid place and face a past none of you are ready to face.
“Both when we met him in his temple and today in the Judgment Rings, I saw sides of you all that I don’t know.
Sides none of you want to let out. It’s clear as day for me to see because I do the same.
I’m a thirty-year-old woman who barely knows how to express all her emotions because I suppress, suppress, suppress until I explode.
“Then, like right now, I feel shitty, gross, and embarrassed for just letting it all out. I don’t know how to open up as we go.
I know how to ignore and act oblivious like Riven said.
I don’t even know how to process the fact I nearly died today.
My heart hurts, yet my mind tells me to get over it. I didn’t die, so it doesn’t matter.”
His hand shakes as he releases my hip and wipes away a slow, single tear that escaped my eye.
I want to fidget, pull away, but I don’t allow myself to.
“I don’t like confrontation,” he murmurs as he lays his hand on my thigh.
“I’m not trying to be—”
He places his finger on my lips just as I did him. I stare in the baby blue rings that flare to life in his eyes.
“You heard Creed say he was seven when he was put in charge of Hellveilious. We were all seven when our father assigned us our roles. At that age, I had no clue our father was an evil bastard. Everything that was happening around me was normal. I wasn’t on the receiving end of his abuse yet.
Of course, every now and then, he’d discipline us, but it was nothing compared to what was to come.
“Thanks to my power, I learned how to wield a sword far better and faster than not only my brothers but half of his army. At night, I’d stay up, practicing in my room.
I told myself I was going to make him proud.
In training, he was going to praise my efforts just like he did Creed’s when we trained our powers.
“On our seventh birthdays, he lined us up in front of his throne, told us we were godly enough to begin contributing to the Valorian Veil, most importantly, the Abandon. One by one, he assigned our roles. Something inside of me turned sour when he smiled down at me and told me I was his new Executioner. I didn’t even know what the word meant.
Amick shouted ‘No,’ and he backhanded him, made some threats that sent him back into silence.
I knew then, whatever I’d been assigned was bad. ”
He drags his finger from my lips as they tremble, but I clutch them to my heart. I don’t dare utter a word as he takes a deep breath.
“Anyone my father deemed unworthy, a traitor—hell, they could’ve looked at him wrong—I was the one who took their lives from them.
I wasn’t allowed to kill them quickly. He wanted a show, and I had to put on one for him.
The first few times, I was petrified. I threw my guts up at his feet, begged him not to make me do it.
That made it worse. No son of his was going to cry and beg like some lowly, ungodly being.
“He’d shout out if he wanted me to speed up time, slow it down, freeze it. He’d tell me where to cut, what I was cutting, then he’d make me count how long it took for the being to die. It sickens me to know every spot on the body I can slice and kill someone instantly or slowly.
“I couldn’t talk about what I had to do, but every day, my brothers would find me.
They’d sit silently while I counted out how many people I had killed.
One by one. By the time I was ten, the beings of the Abandon called me the Killer of Time.
The first time I heard it whispered, I completely freaked out.
I sat in the corner of my room, rocking back and forth until Amick found me.
I couldn’t talk to him. I just kept counting.
“I don’t know if it overwhelmed him or he grew impatient with me, but he’d start saying different numbers than what I was on.
He did it over and over and over again until I really couldn’t remember my count.
I was so mad, I pulled a sword out and pressed it to his neck.
I screamed at him that was the only way I could remember those people.
It was the only way I could pay tribute to the people I killed.
“He didn’t flinch or beg me to stop. He stood there, statue-still, what I believed was emotionless, and said ‘I’m going to get us out of here, but you have to give me time.
Do whatever you need to do to feel better but not this.
Don’t drive yourself mad talking to things that don’t talk back.
Lean on us if you need to.’ Then he just walked away, but I took what he said to heart. I leaned on them.
“We had grown so far apart after our roles were assigned.
We were kids who went from spending every waking second together, to barely speaking to one another.
I poured everything into bringing us back together and preparing us for whatever Amick had planned.
I shoved the guilt of what I had to do to the far, far reaches of my mind.
“If my father didn’t need me, I avoided any issue or confrontation that came up because it’d make me tick.
My fingers would twitch to wrap around the handle of my sword the second someone raised their voice.
When he would call for me, I became someone else.
If the person who had to die was a bad person, I’d tell myself I was ridding the Abandon of someone like my father.
If they didn’t deserve it, I pushed the side of me I know back and let the side of me that was overwhelmed with guilt, heartbreak, anger, come forward.
“Eventually, that side numbed. It comes out every time we have to fight. I can’t help it.
Even now, I have a very warped sense of life and death.
It doesn’t faze me in the slightest when someone who I believe deserves to die, does, in fact, die.
I just shrug it off. Sometimes I’m even the one who swings the sword. ”
He turns his head and closes his eyes. I blink mine to clear the water gathering. My restraint on the tears gives way as I witness familiar shame wash over his face.
He shakes his head and untangles our fingers. He runs the palm of his hand up my chest and gently caresses the bruising on my neck before he grips the back of it.
“I know what it’s like to drown in guilt.
It has taken me a very, very long time to accept the fact that many things are completely out of our control.
Guilt is normal, natural. I still feel it every day.
You can’t punish yourself with it, though.
You can’t let it rule your thoughts. You aren’t in control of the vast majority of what’s happening around us.
No one, not Yemi, us, or any of your friends are blaming you for anything.
“You’re right to believe if we fail and our father takes you, we will be following.
We’ll more than follow, little goddess. We’ll destroy the Abandon to get to you.
One thing I will never feel guilty about is protecting you.
Whether that’s mentally, emotionally, or physically.
I will step in. I will confront whoever I have to.
Even if it’s you. I’ll protect you from yourself if need be. ”
I release a shuddering breath as he pulls my face down to meet his. I don’t hesitate to give in to his kiss.
My arms cling around his neck as he rolls us over and pins me to the mattress. The pecks he lays on my nose, closed lids, then lips once again settle and repair the cracks that were chipped into my heart with his story.
I know it isn’t his entire tale. He had years of shit to deal with in the Abandon, but the overall message, what he went through, is clear.
“I know it doesn’t have to be said, but I want you to know, I don’t view you any differently.
If anything, I see you a lot more clearly now.
You were just a kid, Kyzen. I’m very, very proud of the man you’ve become despite everything you’ve faced.
You don’t know how much you inspire me to learn patience, appreciation, and acceptance.
I’m so thankful and proud to call you mine. ”
His body shivers, then falls completely still. The tender smile that was on his face grows serious as he gulps.
“You are?”
The genuine need in his eyes to hear my words again has my heart pounding in my chest. I’d bet anything my entire Valtrue hasn’t heard the word proud spoken sincerely, without any corruption behind it, in a long, long time. If ever.
“I swear to you with all my heart and soul, I’m proud of past you, present you, and future you. Every part of you is mine.”
My back bows as his power surrounds every inch of me and my soul blazes in my chest.
Faster than I can blink, I sink back into my mattress.
Completely naked.