Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
The next day, Mace is unusually grumpy, even for his standards. He barks orders and consistently avoids my gaze.
We trudge through woods towards the next campsite that Stella sends us to, an unpleasant silence hanging between us. Xandra is quietly seething, looking back where Allen and I walk side by side, and I have no idea what’s going on.
It’s a huge relief when Stella asks us to divide into two teams: one to hunt for a doe, and one to gather some plants that can be used as spices and ingredients for medicine back at The Citadel.
‘Warriors get sent on these kinds of missions all the time,’ Allen supplies.
‘This is grunt work,’ Xandra grumbles.
‘Xandra, you’re with me,’ Mace says. ‘We’re going hunting. The rest of you, gather the plants, and then we’ll meet tonight at the campsite.’
Julian and Mace go over the coordinates, and finally Xandra and our team captain leave and I can properly exhale.
‘Hey, Ellie,’ Allen says, pointing at the top of a hill sprawling before us. ‘We should try for mint this way.’
I trudge after him without comment, while Julian stretches with his back to a tree. ‘I’ll see what else there’s on the list.’
Allen pulls out a few transparent bags from his backpack. He then looks over his shoulder, and I realise he’s checking that we’re out of Julian’s earshot before he says, ‘You were sure happy to see the back of Mace. What happened in the bathroom?’
Of course, nothing escapes Allen’s Empath superpowers.
‘Good question,’ I say. ‘Maybe you can enlighten me.’
Allen clears his throat. ‘You know, the truths that we saw yesterday were hard to digest for all of us. For one reason or another.’
I hang on to that, to the outstretched hand, but I remind myself to be careful, because I don’t know where their loyalties truly lie, and my conversation with Stella yesterday didn’t go well.
‘No matter how it came about, it doesn’t change the way we live.
Command decides for us. Or Stella. So why does it make any difference to find out who made these decisions for us and why? ’
Allen says, ‘Is there something specific you’d change about the way we live?’
‘What do you think? I have no power, none whatsoever. Not as the lower-ranking apprentice in the various Quarters I’ve been in so far.
I hate the fact that the other kingdoms hate us.
I hate the fact that no matter what I do, I will never fit in.
’ My voice is hoarse with unshed tears, but I push through.
‘I’m so, so tired of being a failure. No matter how hard I try. ’
Allen watches me with a dazed expression before he takes a few steps towards me, gathers me in his arms, and pulls me to his chest.
My powerlessness chokes me. And, one day soon, I’ll be just like my father.
He simply gave up on making something of himself or on finding any kind of joy in life.
And now goes through it like he’s sleepwalking.
When will that moment come for me? The moment when I’ll give up on everything I’ve ever dreamed of? On everything I’ve ever dreamed I’d be?
Allen tightens his arms around me and tries to open the pool of calm feelings for me to draw from. ‘It’s okay, Ellie. It’s okay. We’re all carrying that sort of luggage around. So many restrictions.’
‘Can you really understand, Allen? Because you’re so poised. You and the Top Team – everyone loves you. You’re practically superstars, and how can you possibly know what it’s like to be a constant fucking failure? To know that whatever you do, it will never be enough, and it will never?—’
There’s a rustling behind us and I lift my head.
‘Don’t worry,’ says Allen soothingly. ‘It’s just Mace and Xandra.’
I laugh bitterly – of course it’s Mace, how could it not be – and then I hear the low rumble of his voice. ‘Allen? What happened?’
Mace is close now, right behind my shoulder, and I don’t want him to see me like this. So I do what I usually do, which is bottle it up. I wipe my tears and say, ‘I’m just having a meltdown. Am I allowed to, Captain?’
I turn to look at him and something flickers in his eyes that I can’t quite make out. He lifts his hand, as if to reach out, but Xandra says sharply, ‘It figures. And Allen is comforting her, right? What a fucking surprise.’
Mace’s hand drops. There’s something etched on Xandra’s face that suspiciously looks like grim resignation.
‘Back off, Xandra,’ Allen says.
Mace growls then, and I laugh-cry. ‘Did you just growl at Allen, Mace?’ But it makes sense, defending his precious Warrior queen.
Of course he worships her. I see the way he talks to her – like an equal, not like a useless addition to their team who will drag them down – the way he asks for her advice.
A perfect match for him, if there ever was one.
Of course, it was never going to be me, and I don’t even know anymore why tears are streaming down my face again. It’s that fucking powerlessness again, and the feeling of being a complete and utter failure that no one could ever love.
‘I think you guys should go,’ Allen says softly, and he coils an arm defensively around my waist. It feels good, so good to know that there’s someone on my side.
Neither Xandra nor Mace say anything else, but I hear the rustle of their steps as they retreat. Allen and I stand in the clearing like that, entwined, for a long time, before I calm down and start gathering plants again for The Citadel.
We camp in the wilderness again, but by evening I’m more myself after the meltdown.
Which means that I’m pushing down the things that I don’t want to think about too closely, and I’m too full of energy to be able to settle into sleep too early.
I need company, I need to do something, anything, because that yawning pit of disappointment is waiting to swallow me if I even do so much as acknowledge it.
Xandra is keeping watch and I saunter past her, ignoring her evil glare, and duck into Allen’s tent. He’s sitting up on his bedroll, shirtless, and fiddling with his custom ART.
‘Don’t let Mace catch you like this, not fully dressed for the mission, or you’ll get a verbal warning. Maybe even worse,’ I joke, taking a seat next to him with my legs crossed.
‘I’m pretty sure you’re hoping that he’ll give you the “maybe worse” part,’ he says, adjusting his glasses.
I shove him in the ribs. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘I said what I said. Make of it what you will.’
I scoff.
‘Anyway, what brings you here, Ellie?’ he says, changing tack.
I slide my ART towards him. ‘Can you connect this with my bean?’
‘Sure. I’d just have to write a few lines of code. But you know that our communication systems are still down, don’t you? You won’t be able to use the ART to reach us through the bean.’
‘Yup, but I just wanted to play some music without alerting the entire camp to what I’m listening to.’
‘Aww, and why would you pass up the opportunity to get a rise out of Mace by listening to loud music?’ Allen begins to tap something into my ART. His fingers move like the ones of a child prodigy on the keys of a piano.
‘Are you obsessed with Mace or something, Allen? Because you can tell me. I won’t judge you. You know he thinks there’s something going on between us.’
Allen huffs. ‘When Mace gets an idea into his head, no matter how stupid it is, it’s so hard to veer him off course.’
‘Trust me, I know,’ I reply.
‘He’ll calm down when he sees that we won’t get involved like that.
Just give him time.’ Allen says this without even raising his eyes from the ART, then pushes it under my nose.
‘I need you to unlock this function.’ He clears his throat.
‘I can’t believe how wrongly I’d pinned you down on the night that we met. ’
‘What do you mean?’
Allen scratches his naked chest, slabs and slabs of toned, lean muscle, and I have to admit that he looks objectively good.
Freaking gorgeous, in fact. What a shame that he doesn’t do anything for me in that way: no butterflies in my stomach, no pounding heat.
Of course there’s nothing going on between us, not romantically, at least.
‘I mean, Ellie,’ Allen says, wrenching me out of my musings, ‘that when Xandra took the guys dancing, I thought you were upset because she took Julian away. Was I wrong or was I wrong?’ He gives me a broad grin.
‘You’re hallucinating, my friend,’ I deadpan, but I’m not sure he buys it.
I’m not sure I do, either. My feelings towards Mace can be best described as ‘confused.’ At worse, ‘a storm of shit and heartache.’ I hate him and I don’t. I hate the constant grumpiness, and I sort of don’t.
And then, I realise what Allen means. When Xandra took Julian and Mace dancing, at the Ball, Allen told me that I should leave it, because ‘he’s so pathetically in love with her, that he’s unable to see anyone else.’
Did he mean Julian, rather than Mace?
I bite my lip, wondering if I’m right.
Allen lifts his eyebrows. Go on. Ask me.
‘I don’t want to go there,’ I say, lying to myself.
‘Suit yourself. Just don’t be too hard on him, love. We all have a lot riding on this mission, and Mace is carrying the heaviest burden. Trust me, he’s feeling the pressure.’
‘I know, I know. You’ve said it more than once. If you do well in this mission, you’ll get good rankings, and prime assignments in the Warriors’ Quarter.’
‘It’s more than a prime assignment, Ellie. This mission may as well decide our paths. Our future.’
I do understand. Top Team may or may not be Central Command material, somewhere down the road.
And it starts here, by finishing first and getting the best jobs available in the Warriors’ Quarter.
Our roads will split after this mission – or maybe, if I rank well enough, Top Team might drag me up with them.
I’m not entirely sure of the implications of me being on the team. I might get a good assignment in the Healers’ Quarter. Is that what I want?
Not necessarily.
But if I get a good position, people will stop looking down on me, and that thought fires me up.