Chapter 13 #2
‘Why didn’t you defend yourself against Xandra? Why did you let her steamroll you?’
‘I tried,’ I say.
‘No, you didn’t. She was out to humiliate you. You should have spoken up.’
‘What could I have said, without sounding whiny?’ I muse.
‘That’s for you to figure out. But it wasn’t fair, what she did.
We’re a team. I expect integrity from everyone.
And therein lies the problem. You shouldn’t have let her drag you through the mud.
She should have taught you something. You just taking the beating like a champ won’t take you very far.
You need to start fighting. For yourself and for what you want. ’
I pause, running his words through my head. Does he mean us, too?
He’s excruciatingly right on every single point. I should have stood up for myself. Tonight, and every other time Xandra’s tried to get between us.
But why is she meddling? ‘Are you and Xandra … involved?’
That question earns me a frown. ‘I can see why everyone is tempted to think so. I mean, I do read the comments about us in the articles.’
‘You do?’ I perk up. ‘You like to read about yourself? Does it stroke your ego in all the right ways?’
One corner of his lips tips up in a half-smile and I call it a win. ‘I admire her a lot. Her skill, her determination. She’s just a top-notch Warrior, in all the ways.’
‘That doesn’t sound like a denial,’ I mutter.
‘But,’ he goes on, ‘there’s nothing there. We’re just friends.’
‘Someone should send her the memo, then.’
He narrows his eyes. ‘Do you think I’d tell you this and not mean it? Anyway, you’re deflecting, Ellie’—and I have to concede that he’s right—‘it won’t help if you get stuck in old patterns. Learn to stand up for yourself. And maybe we’ll have a chance to do something new with your magic.’
Easier said than done. ‘How do I start doing better, when I don’t even realise what I’m doing wrong?’
Mace says, ‘What do you even want, Ellie? What is it that you want?’
‘Good question,’ I say, watching the way the muscles in his arms shift when he moves to dust the side of his trousers. I’m not brave enough to say that it’s him that I want. Is he waiting for a sign from me? ‘For starters, I don’t want to pull you down during this mission.’
The flaps of the tent part and Xandra peeks her head in. ‘You’re on cooking duty tonight, Ellie,’ she snaps.
I scowl at the back of her head as she turns to go. Mace lifts his eyebrows – and it looks suspiciously like a challenge. His pep talks and lectures come with homework. And I guess he’s right: I have to learn to stand up for myself, and it starts with Xandra.
I can do this.
I think. I have to at least try.
I duck out of the tent and follow Xandra as she marches away.
‘We need to talk,’ I call out to her. ‘Now. Over there.’
I point to a group of boulders at a small distance from the camp, and I rush towards them, not giving myself time to reconsider. Confrontational isn’t something I want to be. This is what The Citadel is shaping us into and I don’t like it.
Though I have to draw a line. It’s still unacceptable to allow her to bully me.
She stops a few dozen steps from the boulders. ‘What is it?’
She stands ramrod-straight, oozing poise and perfection from every pore. Maybe I hate her savagely for being someone I’d like to be but never will.
‘I need you to stop bullying me.’ Okay. I don’t think this came out right.
She snorts. ‘And I need you to stop getting in my way.’
Waves and waves of anger, that I’ve been keeping close to my heart, rise to the surface. ‘Back off, Xandra. And especially back off when I’m with Mace. You think I didn’t notice you’re keeping an eye on us and bursting in when we’re alone longer than thirty seconds?’
She prowls towards me, measured steps designed to intimidate. ‘And what is it you think you’re doing with Mace? You’re such an insignificant little mouse.’
I’m not laying any claim on Mace, but I do need to stand up for myself. ‘He told me there’s nothing going on between you. Do you have a different opinion?’
‘I don’t know what you think you’re doing.
’ Xandra rolls her tongue over her teeth, and I can tell she’s irked.
‘But everybody knows that me and Mace will receive a partnership contract when the time comes. Did you see our power levels? They’re insanely high, even for Warriors.
If you don’t get in the way, we’ll both get good positions once we finish the Apprenticeship.
Once that’s done, it’s going to be me and him. It’s unavoidable.’
Her words shouldn’t hurt, but they do. My overactive mind can’t help imagining the two of them together – and I remember the possessive way she clung to him at the Commanders’ Ball.
‘Command will be raring to get us to be together. And the entire Citadel will love it. Because they love us. And they love a good story: the top Warriors, in a partnership. That’s the truth, and the sooner you come to terms with it, the better.
’ She’s stepping into my space, trying to use the four inches she has on me to intimidate me, but I grit my teeth and hold my ground, because I can’t back off on this, even if it hurts. This is too important.
‘And as for where you’ll be, Ellie,’ she smirks, ‘I don’t even care. Because you’ll be a complete nothing, like you’ve been so far.’
The anger is boiling and roaring in my blood. And the problem is that I can see that. I can completely see all of that happening. Of course Stella or Central Command will match Xandra with Mace. They do want the most powerful possible Warriors. But?—
That version of an ideal future that Xandra paints for herself? That’s actually sad. I find myself striking back before I can even think it through. ‘And that’s supposed to be a title of honour, Xandra? That they’ll force Mace to be with you?’
She opens and closes her mouth, but I’ve found a breach – I’ve seen it – and something within me rages and pushes through.
‘And for that matter,’ I say, ‘if you and Mace are going to have such a bright future, why do you feel like you have to constantly barge in on us? What is it about me that makes you so insecure?’
‘I promise you, the last thing you make me feel is insecure,’ she drawls.
I give her one of my everything-is-right-as-rain winning smiles. ‘Then back off.’
I turn on my heel and stride towards the camp, not giving her the chance to argue further.
I’ve said my piece and my stomach is churning with discomfort at the thought of the argument I just had.
Even if Xandra is not following me, what she said about her and Mace is.
I can see that’s unavoidable, and it’s a fact that presses down on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe.
What am I even hoping for? Where could this lead?
To more heartbreak, that’s where. They ripped us apart before. They’ll do it again.
I hide in my tent, avoiding looking at anyone else, and hoping that Mace isn’t watching and that he won’t come to check in on me. I feel like Xandra’s stuck her fist into my gut and twisted it. That very possible future is wrecking me.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe I am the one who has to back off and make my peace with it.
But maybe life is all the bright moments we manage to snatch in-between the darker ones, like the glow that I feel when I remember that moment when Mace’s lips first touched mine.
Maybe staying frozen in fear that something might be taken away from me is worse than not even having anything worth snatching.
My breaths start calming down, and I’m trying hard to think, to find a path forward.
The flaps of my tent open and I’m half-hoping, half-horrified that it might be Mace, when Allen pops his head in. ‘Want some company?’
‘And how.’ I scoot back to make room for him.
He examines me from head to foot and seems to come to his own conclusions. ‘What’s up?’
‘Xandra. She’s got it in for me.’
‘I’ve noticed.’ He smiles, lying down casually at my side, staring at the canvas roof of the tent. ‘So, what did you do?’
‘I spoke up.’
‘Good,’ he says.
‘I wouldn’t say that. It turned out to be a bit of a shit show.’
Allen chuckles. ‘Wanna talk about it?’
I think about sticking my fingers into that big pile of shit that our potential future is and decide it will be a hard pass for tonight. ‘No. Not really. But Mace thinks I should learn to stand up for myself.’
Allen hums. ‘He might have a good point.’
‘I thought you would have figured that out before him.’
‘I’m an Empath, Ellie. I read emotions. Not minds.’
‘Could have fooled me,’ I mutter. The calming blanket of his presence spreads around me and I find I can think more clearly. ‘It’s a mentality thing, I guess. It’s different for you Warriors; you’re trained to rule.’
‘No,’ he says thoughtfully, ‘we’re not all the same. Mace, for instance, has always been team captain material. He’s been like that since I’ve known him.’
‘I can imagine,’ I say. ‘He loves bossing people around.’
‘That, he does.’
‘But he also has this cold side to him. He could really turn out to be as … cutting as Central Command. He has these hard edges that shine through from time to time.’
‘I agree,’ Allen says. ‘Mace could turn into a real horror. At some point in the future.’
‘Doesn’t that scare you?’
Allen shrugs. ‘It depends on so many things. So many choices he’ll have to make.’
‘I wish… I wish I could just be like you guys. Like Xandra. Fearless about what I want, once I figure out what I want.’
‘Xandra? She’s given up more than any of us. She just hides it better.’
‘Well, she fooled me,’ I say.
‘She’s fooling herself, most of all,’ Allen says. ‘It’s just the bitterness in her that you’re mistaking for fighting.’
I arch an eyebrow at that, but Allen just sighs, which tells me that he isn’t about to pursue this. It isn’t any of my concern, anyway, what eats up Xandra.
I sink down on the mat, my shoulder barely touching his, and draw up my ART. ‘Do you want to listen to some music?’