Chapter Eleven September 1 #3
“Then what makes you think he likes me?”
“Because guys know when their friend is into someone.”
And I guess that clears up any confusion I had about John liking me. Because if he had, Theo would have known.
“Why didn’t you tell him to go for it?” I ask, biting back a smile. I’m being a petty little brat, and I know it.
He laughs. “I don’t see you and Theo together. He’s pretty experienced.”
“The inflatable tube man at the car dealership is more experienced than I am,” I scoff. “Does that really matter, though? When you got together with Avery, you were likely more experienced than she was. Right?”
His shoulders tense. “It’s different.”
I stop again and grab his arm, forcing him to face me. “How is it different?”
“You’re just really innocent. And that’s not a bad thing,” he quickly adds.
“If you haven’t noticed,” I say, looking him in the eyes, “I’ve had to grow up a lot this year. I’m not the baby in my house anymore. And just because I don’t throw myself at every guy I see, that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of feeling things or experiencing love.”
“See…” He pauses, raking his fingers through his hair as if he’s choosing his next words very thoughtfully. “Even just saying that…”
“Saying what?”
“Love. For you, it has to be love, otherwise you don’t want it.”
“What’s so wrong with that?”
“Nothing. Except most people our age aren’t looking for someone to love. If it happens, great. If not, that’s fine too.”
Whenever I’m with John, there are moments when I want to tell him everything I’m thinking, and moments when I force myself to hold back, afraid to let him in.
The logical part of my brain is the one telling me to hold back.
Remain mysterious. My heart, however, wants to jump into the deep end, headfirst, so far down that the surface is barely a flicker in the sunlight.
We continue walking for a bit but eventually circle back and stop underneath a streetlight across the road from Theo’s house. I stand on the curb and gather my hair into a ponytail, tying it up.
“How’s life with the baby?” John asks.
“Paulina.” I smile. “But we call her Paulie.”
John returns my smile, and it feels real. Genuine. Like it was before things got messy.
“It’s different,” I answer. “Like you said it would be. But good different. It’s weird, because before she was here, all I ever thought about was how her existence would interfere with my life.
As if my life was this perfect thing. It wasn’t.
And now that she’s here, it’s like, I can’t remember life before her.
I mean, I can, but it feels like that was another version of me. A me from a long, long time ago.”
“A long, long time ago.” John stares back at me with an open-mouthed grin. “Has anyone ever told you that you should be a writer?”
“Why? Because I’m so corny?” I shake my head, fighting the blush I feel warming my neck.
“No. Because you’re good with words. In this really relatable, accessible way. It helps me see and think about things differently.”
“You’re so full of it.” I laugh.
“Don’t do that, Lennon.”
“Do what?” I ask, my eyes meeting his. There’s a crease between his eyebrows. He looks disappointed. Not angry, just disappointed.
“Don’t pull away just because I said something real. You’re not the only one who can be honest.”
Everything goes silent as I try to take in John’s words. I beg myself not to ask the next question, but I need to know his answer like I need air to breathe.
“Why her?” I inhale then exhale, willing myself to go on, even though I’m pretty sure his answer will hurt my feelings. “Why Avery and not me?”
His jaw clenches. He twists a heel into the ground and his gaze falls. “It was easier, I guess,” he says. “Being with someone like her. She just made sense.”
“Because you were attracted to her?”
“Yes, I was attracted to her. But I was also attracted to you.” He takes a step closer, and because I’m standing on the curb, we’re eye-to-eye.
“Was?” I meet his gaze, my heart thumping against my chest so hard it reverberates in my ears.
“I tried not to think about you,” he says. “I tried to make it work with Avery. I tried to push you out of my head. I tried so hard that I was able to convince myself that whatever it was we shared wasn’t anything at all.”
“That’s harsh.”
“It is harsh, but it wasn’t that hard to do. You put up walls. Not to mention, you blocked my number.”
His words sting. “I let you in,” I blurt.
“I lied to my parents just so I could go to your house and hear you play that song. I almost never lie to them. And then you asked me to leave. Do you know how humiliated I felt? And after all of that, having to listen to Theo tell me to my face that there’s no way you’d ever be interested in me. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.”
John’s eyes expand. “Theo said what?”
“When he followed me out of your garage, he made it clear that you’d only ever see me as a friend. I assumed you sent him to be the messenger.”
“No.” John shakes his head so fast it’s dizzying.
“I didn’t. I didn’t know he said that. Lennon, Theo was wrong.
I never said that to him.” He places his hands on my arms, gently squeezing them.
“You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met.
I love hearing you talk. And…” He stops abruptly, taking a step back, and I could die at the silence that lingers from his unfinished sentence.
John uncrosses my arms and holds my hands, interlacing his fingers with mine.
“Do you like me?” he asks, his trademark smirk making an appearance.
I nod.
“Can I ask you another question?” he asks.
I nod again.
“Have you ever kissed anyone before?”
My eyes flicker away from his, focusing instead on the pavement below us, imagining a version of myself getting swallowed by one of the cracks. “Technically speaking…no.”
Music flows to the street from Theo’s house muting the noise of the people inside. A car passes every few minutes, hitting the same damn pothole. And crickets do their thing. In this moment, it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.
“Can I ask you a question?” I say, bravely meeting John’s eyes again. My cheeks burn as my heart continues to race like the finish line is in sight.
“Yes,” he answers, his gaze never leaving mine. His pupils are like the moon on a clear night. Full. Glowing.
“Will you teach me how to kiss?”
“Teach you? How would I…” He trails off before clearing his throat. “How would I do that?”
“By kissing me. Obviously.”
He lets out something between a laugh and a breath. “Are you sure?” John licks his lips, probably subconsciously, but it does things to my body. Things I’ve never felt before.
“No.” I smile as I lift my shoulders. “But yes.”
He swallows before running a hand through his hair and looking away. “You’re such an enigma,” he says. “I never know where I stand with you.”
“It’s not me. It’s the idea of us,” I say.
“What about it?”
“The idea of us together…well, admit it, we’d combust,” I say, clenching my jaw at the brutal truth.
He leans in, his lips brushing against my ear. “But those would be some wicked flames.”
I exhale a slow breath and am otherwise entirely still. “So, will you be my first kiss?” The question comes out fast. I’m afraid if I wait too long the momentum, or rather the magic of this moment, will be gone.