Chapter Twenty-Six October 19 #3
“I want to do something that will pay enough that I don’t have to worry about bills.
I want to be able to travel. I want to be able to spoil the one I love with whatever they want or need.
” He looks at me as he speaks, his voice rising slightly to punctuate the end of every sentence.
“I want to wake up every day excited for what’s to come, instead of counting down the hours until I’m free.
I want to look at the time and think, shit, I only have a few minutes left. That’s what I want.”
“Sounds perfect,” I say, allowing my leg to fall against his again.
We drop down another level, slowly, methodically.
The carnival worker continues the long process of unloading and loading passengers.
“You can do anything you put your mind to,” I say.
“Guitar. Carpentry. Making friends wherever you go. Taking care of your family.”
“I get by. That’s my special skill. That and being able to adapt.”
That’s funny to me, since I’m probably the least adaptable person that ever existed.
“You still want to go to Columbia and get that Creative Writing degree?” he asks with a small smile.
“More than ever. I’ve been working to build up the nerve to ask my parents about the school trip to New York City this spring.
One week in New York without my parents hovering.
Exploring the city. Visiting all the tourist attractions I’ve only ever seen in movies or online,” I say, feeling myself grow excited.
“I hope you get to go.”
“You should come too!”
“We can’t afford extras like that,” John replies, his jaw clenching. He doesn’t believe that he deserves a life with frills. I think he deserves everything.
“I happen to know they have a scholarship seat available. All you have to do is apply. You meet all the qualifications. You’re enrolled in an arts class. You’re an upperclassman. You’re—”
“Poor as dirt.”
“I didn’t mean that,” I say, my eyes downcast.
“I know.” He nudges his elbow with mine. “I’m just being an insecure asshole.”
Our seat rocks and I grab the metal bar with both hands.
“It’s okay,” John says reassuringly. “You don’t have to be afraid.
” He unspools my hand from the bar and holds it in his, squeezing it.
Without thinking I rest my head on his shoulder as we sit in silence, looking out over the fair as our bucket seat continues to descend, level by level.
It’s like a clock with a timer. Running down.
Tick.
Tick.
“Hey, Lennon.”
My eyes flick up to see a mischievous grin on his face. “Yeah?”
He breaks into song. “Would you knock on my door?”
I laugh, stopping short of a snort. “Those aren’t the right lyrics.”
“Then sing them to me,” he says sweetly, his eyes locking with mine. So I do. Eventually he joins me, making up ridiculous ad libs, and we both laugh so hard there are tears in our eyes.
Maybe these fairgrounds can compete with the ocean waves and bright lights of the Santa Monica Pier. Or maybe just being anywhere with John makes everything infinitely better.
We run into Eddie and his girlfriend after the Ferris wheel, and I make up a lie about meeting Andie by the food trucks.
Instead, I text Andie and tell her I’m leaving early and will call her later to explain.
Then I head toward the parking lot. My home screen is filled with new texts from Theo. Apologizing.
I find him sitting in his car, waiting. He straightens when he sees me approaching. I walk to the passenger side and let myself in.
“Hey,” I say, closing the door.
“Hey,” he says, looking out the window.
It’s just after nine. He’s been sitting here for almost two hours. Alone.
“You didn’t have to wait,” I say. “I walked out on you.”
He shakes his head solemnly. “I told your parents I’d take care of you.”
I tuck my hands into my lap, and we both turn to look at one another at the same time.
“When you act like that, Theo, it reminds me of my father, and not in a good way.”
“Like what?” he asks genuinely.
“Like how you went behind my back to ask for his blessing to date me. I felt completely blindsided. You took away my voice. My option to have a say. I can’t be with someone who does that.”
“I’m sorry.” He nods. “I thought I was making it easier for both of us.”
“You need to treat me like an equal. We’re partners, okay? We make decisions together.”
“Okay.” It’s quiet for a moment before he leans in closer. “I’m sorry for what I said about you and John. I was there. I know you guys shared something special. And I think I was trying to gaslight you into thinking it was nothing so you’d finally get over him.”
“Theo, I’m—”
“It’s fine, Lennon. I know you still have feelings for him, and I can accept that. As long as you keep an open mind, and heart, with me.” His eyes widen. “Can you do that?”
I nod because I think I can. I know I want to. It would be so much easier if I could.
“Good. Cause you know what? Eventually your memories with John will fade away and what we have will fill up all those cracks in your heart that John left behind.” He picks up my hand and kisses it. “But that’s not going to happen unless you let him go.”
“I know.”
He leans in and kisses me softly on my lips, running a hand over my cheek. “I love you so much. And I promise to do better.”
I tip my forehead into his, staring into his soulful eyes. If I look long enough, if I let myself, I can almost see a future with him.
Almost.
Tick.
Tick.
…Boom.