Chapter Forty-One September 7
Chapter Forty-one
Sometimes we get so focused on our end goal that we forget to think about what might happen if we get there.
Watching as a dream you’ve worked toward for years comes to fruition and realizing it won’t just be this idea in your head anymore is something you can never fully prepare for.
Finally, you get to step inside the story and live within its pages.
The pages you designed. The pages you drew up.
The life you always wanted, right there, within your grasp.
And it’s terrifying.
What if it’s not everything I imagined it to be?
What if New York isn’t what I so desperately need it to be?
What if I realize three weeks in that I hate it? That I want to go home? That I want to live a comfortable life with my family studying something that I know will lead to a stable, well-paying career?
What was I thinking? Creative writing? What am I going to do with an arts degree? How could I ask my father to spend all this money, his hard-earned money, just so I can write made-up stories?
And for who? Who is going to read these stories?
I’m scared.
I’m petrified.
And I’m so goddamn excited I can barely breathe.
“Lennon, you ready?” Mom stands in the open doorway of my bedroom.
“I think so,” I say. I’m looking at half my life packed into open suitcases, while the rest of my things will sit untouched and wait safely for my return, when I visit. The meaningful juxtaposition is not lost on me.
Mom comes in and stops when she steps on clothes that didn’t quite make it into my suitcase. She bends down to pick them up and, seemingly without thinking, clutches them and brings them to her face to inhale their scent.
“Sorry. I’ll make sure to tidy up before I leave,” I say, assessing the current tornado status of my room.
Mom simply smiles as she places the extra clothes on my bed. “Daddy and I built this home for the four of us, and soon it will just be two.”
“I’ll be back,” I say, not really sure if I’m talking about visits or moving home after I graduate. I’ve learned not to overpromise on things I can’t predict. A lot can happen in four years.
She nods. “It won’t be the same as it was, though.”
“But maybe that’s a good thing,” I say. The subtext of my words weighs heavy in the space between us.
It’s easier to forgive someone when you know exactly what you’re forgiving them for.
With Mom, she wasn’t the one who dealt my punishments.
She wasn’t the one who inflicted the most damage to my heart.
But she was the one who stood by the person who did, and because of that, I’ve struggled with how to let her back into my life.
“I was around your age when I moved to Canada,” she says. “Leaving home is a very big moment in a young person’s life. It’s like drawing a line between who you used to be and who you’re becoming. It’s a lot scarier when you’re a parent watching your child leave the home you built for them, though.”
“You and Dad believed that giving us freedom would mean losing us. But that’s not how it works.
You’re not going to lose us in exchange for giving me and Georgie autonomy.
You’ll lose us if you don’t give us that freedom.
Even if sometimes our choices lead to mistakes or decisions you don’t approve of. ”
“I know it doesn’t look like I stood by you last year, but when you weren’t looking, I was working on him. Maybe it would have meant more if I’d done that in front of you.”
“Dad isn’t the easiest person to stand up to.
But if anyone can do it, you can,” I say with a small smile.
The room settles into silence as Mom and I seem to search for our next words.
“Do you think you can help me with this mess tomorrow morning? I’m struggling to decide what to bring and what to leave behind. ”
“Yes. We’ll figure it out together,” she says, eyes glistening.
I drop the clothes in my hands and reach my arms out to hug my mother. She wraps hers around me, her soft body like being encircled by the warmth of the hot sun on a cool day.
“I promise to make you proud,” I say, my words muffled against her neck.
“You already have.”
“Yalla,” Dad calls from the front door. “Everyone is waiting for us.”
Mom and I pry ourselves away from one another, wiping our tears. I search for my phone and check the time.
We’ve been invited to Theo’s for a barbecue/going-away party.
This is my last night at home before we fly to New York tomorrow.
Both Mom and Dad are coming to help me get settled in.
I’m trying not to think about the part where I walk them out of my dorm and kiss them goodbye.
My throat burns every time the thought crosses my mind.
I keep swatting it away, but there’s no denying that it’s going to happen. Because it has to happen.
On the drive to Theo’s, I sit in the back seat with the window open, breathing in the late-summer air. Tomorrow at this time I’ll be in New York setting up my new life, Book Two in the series. Maybe Three? I think at this point John deserves his own stand-alone.
It’s been almost a year since we saw or spoke to one another, and yet he still exists in my everyday.
I’ll be fine, going through the motions, working toward my goals and dreams, rightfully proving to everyone, including myself, that I don’t need him.
And then I’ll think about something he said, or a moment we shared, and it takes my breath away, reminding me of the cavity that still exists in my heart.
Dad turns onto Theo’s street, and I spot Georgie’s car parked at the curb.
I get out, closing the door behind me while taking in the sight of the Petropolis home.
So many pivotal moments have happened in and around this house.
It seems fit for me, in an ironic kind of way, to have a goodbye party here before leaving this part of my life behind.
Music blasts from Theo’s backyard. I spot him by the barbecue, a beautiful girl with dark skin by his side. Our eyes lock, and he smiles so broadly that I can’t help but smile back. We meet halfway, embracing in the kind of hug reserved for people who hold a special place in your heart.
“Hadid,” he says, and my heart warms.
“Petropolis,” I say, nodding to the girl who is now at his side as we pull apart.
I called Theo after my dad and I resolved things.
Just to let him know that I wasn’t holding on to any resentment from our relationship.
Said I wanted to be friends again, if he was okay with letting bygones be.
We talked for a while, and it was nice. Making room for people who are important to you feels good.
Relationships will always mean a little bit of extra effort on my end, but when someone’s worth it, you do the work.
Theo drapes an arm around the girl next to him, pulling her in, and she blushes hard. “This is Raychelle.”
“Hi,” I say, forcing myself to make eye contact. Meeting people is still a challenge. “When Theo told me he had a serious girlfriend, I almost didn’t believe him.”
Theo’s face is completely flushed as he glances between us.
Raychelle grins. “I’m taking all the credit for Theo getting over you.”
“Ray,” Theo says, glaring at her like an embarrassed toddler.
“Oh, be for real, Theo. Everyone knows you were hung up.”
“Swear to god, my next girlfriend is going to be a meek person who worships the ground I walk on.”
“You’d be so bored,” I say, burying a laugh.
“Right?” Raychelle smirks.
“So, you go to school together?” I ask.
“Yeah. I’m from Vancouver Island. I’ve been here for a couple of weeks to visit and wrangle him back to B.C. with me.”
“I did the long-distance thing for almost three months,” he says with a pout.
“Poor you,” I reply, rolling my eyes.
“Can you blame me for having a hard time being away from this beauty?”
There’s something so sincere about the way he speaks about Raychelle that it makes me genuinely happy to see he’s found his match.
Still, I can’t help but think about how that could have been me under Theo’s arm, family and friends surrounding us.
It wouldn’t have stopped us from going our separate ways tomorrow, though.
Maybe in another universe we would have stayed together, but that would have meant both of us giving up our dream schools and our dreams.
My dad waves Theo over, leaving me and Raychelle alone to talk.
“Are you also getting a Business degree?” I ask.
She huffs out a laugh. “Hell no. Business is dry as fuck. I’m studying Philosophy and Greek Mythology.”
“Oh god, Theo must tease you nonstop. My thoughts and prayers are with you.”
She places a warm hand on my arm and squeezes it. “I appreciate that.”
We both laugh, but then her face grows serious.
“Theo said you had a tough year. He feels bad about not being there for you, but given your past together and how hard it was for him to move on, he wasn’t sure how to be there for you.”
“I wouldn’t have let him in anyway,” I say, lifting my eyes to hers. “I needed time to process things on my own.”
“That’s completely valid. And the great thing about Theo is that once you’re in his life, that’s it. You’re in. So maybe don’t hesitate to reach out?”
“I will. Besides, it’ll be fun ganging up on him over the holidays and teasing him about our useless degrees.”
“If he wants to make all the money to support my creative endeavors, I’m down.” Raychelle looks over my shoulder and smiles. “Looks like Theo could use my help with the barbecue. Talk to you later.”
As Raychelle walks away, my body jolts suddenly backward. Andie’s arms are wrapped around my waist, hugging me from behind. I grasp her arms and sway back and forth, taking in the force of her embrace.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving me, you bitch,” she says playfully.
We release one another and our eyes meet. Our lips have matching pouts as our foreheads touch. “I am a selfish B. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You’re doing what I’ve wanted you to do since the moment we met. You’re putting yourself first.”
I pull Andie to me and we hug. She really is the best friend I could ever have asked for.
In the four years we’ve been friends, she’s never pushed for me to meet her at her level.
She’s always met me where I was. She knew I had my own path to follow and, often, pave.
Her love and companionship have always been unconditional.
Friends like her come along once in a lifetime, and for that reason I will hold on tight to what we have and make sure it withstands the four years I’ll be in New York.
Ever since I told Andie about Columbia she’s been glued to my side, soaking in every moment before I leave. She’s staying local, going to school part-time to test the waters. Part of her wants to be an entrepreneur, but the other part doesn’t want to have to work as hard as her parents have.
We went to prom together, danced to all our favorite songs, and skipped the after-parties. Instead, we had an old-school slumber party at my place. The last three months of healing have been exactly that: healing.
Except there’s one area of my heart and mind that remains in a perpetual state of grief. Maybe, eventually, hopefully, I’ll be able to look back on my time with John and remember only the parts that made me happy.
We spend the afternoon at Theo’s eating hamburgers and hotdogs, swimming, and reminiscing about old times.
My parents take off around seven, and Georgie, Zach, and Paulie leave shortly after.
They’re spending the night at our home so that they can take us to the airport tomorrow and see me off properly.
There’s a heaviness in the air as the sun begins to set. No one wants to say goodbye, but we know we have to. I hate goodbyes. But, as they say, every goodbye leads to a new beginning.
Andie keeps looking at me as if I’ve broken her heart, and we wipe one another’s tears as Theo and Raychelle go inside to help Petra clean up.
“It’s been a good run,” Andie says. “I’ve never put up with anyone else for this long. Probably never will.” She pulls me in tighter, squeezing me. “You’re never getting rid of me.”
“Same.” I pull back slightly to wipe a tear away. I try to smile, but my lips are quivering too much.
“I know I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating.
” Andie takes my face in her hands, her eyes laser-focused on mine.
“I am so, so proud of you. You have this fire inside of you, Lennon. I have one too. It’s why I latched onto you all those years ago.
” She grins. “And I know you are going to do amazing things. Mark my words: you’re going to change the world. I can just feel it.”
“Any fire I have inside me has only grown since meeting you. You are my favorite person, Andie Smith-Johansson. The most beautiful girl I’ve ever known, inside and out.”
Andie begins to sob, which triggers another flood of tears from me as we embrace again.
“We’ll text. And FaceTime. And you bet your ass I’m visiting you in New York every chance I get.”
“I know people say that all the time, but let’s mean it, okay?”
“Okay,” she says, nodding, eyes glistening. “I love you.”
I nod back, tears falling. “I love you more.”
We stand and hug for what feels like forever, but when it ends, all I want to do is hug her again.
She squeezes my hand and kisses me on the cheek before releasing her grip and walking out of Theo’s yard. Standing alone, I rub the spot on my hand that Andie was holding only moments ago.
Theo comes out a few minutes later, a sympathetic smile on his face.
“Did Andie leave?” he asks.
“Yeah. I guess I should head home then.”
“Yeah.” He nods, seeming to fight back a grin. “But as it turns out, I can’t drive you.”
“Oh.” I shake my head. “That’s fine. I’ll call Andie and ask her to circle back.”
“You won’t need to do that,” a deep voice says from behind me.
I turn to find John standing by the backyard gate. My heart stutters to a stop as our eyes lock.
Theo lifts his chin to John before leaning in and whispering, “Think of it as a going-away present from me.”
I smile back at Theo, leaving a quick kiss on his cheek. “Thank you,” I mouth before making my way to John.