Chapter 31
thirty-one
AMANDA
By the time the train rattled into Waverley, I was feeling all too sorry for myself. The city was washed in grey-white, snow having turned to slush along the streets. Even the ground reminded me of Henry.
I dragged my bag along the short walk home. Every step felt heavier than the last.
Megan opened the flat door before I even got my key in.
'Bloody hell,' she said quietly, her eyes searching my face. 'Come here.'
I didn’t ask how she knew that something was wrong. She just did. She pulled me into her arms, and it took everything not to bawl right there on the doorstep. Her jumper was soft against my cheek and smelled like home.
Or what I’d always thought of as home. Which was her.
‘Come on, you, let’s get you on the floor.’
I made to object, but let her drag me to the sitting room, dumping off my wet books and coat on the way.
She was already grabbing the Maltesers and pushing me to the floor.
We ended up on the rug, just like we always used to, our backs on the floor and feet hooked up onto the cushions.
The bag of malted chocolates lay between us.
Snow settled thick on the window ledge. The hiss of traffic snaking by outside.
Megan waited patiently. She never cajoled. It was both the worst and best thing about her.
‘It’s a boy,’ I said with a sigh.
‘Ah. It always is.’ She nodded, as if that explained everything. Which it sort of did.
I pressed a Malteser to my lips but didn't eat it. ‘Meg… I don't know what I'm doing.’
‘You don’t have to know. Just spill.’
So I tried.
‘He’s kind,’ I said, staring up at the ceiling. ‘In a steady way. And he makes the most terrible jokes that shouldn’t make me laugh, but they do. And he—’
My voice faltered until I swallowed. ‘He looks at me like he can’t believe I’m real.’
Megan shifted, looking sideways at me. But she didn’t interrupt.
‘And I felt like I belonged, not in the village, but in his arms. And I liked it. Too much. Which is a problem?
‘Is it?’
‘Yes, because I know what happens when people rely on each other. Mum and Dad were in love until they weren't. They adored each other before they couldn't stand the sight of each other. It all went wrong so fast. And I don't want to wake up one day in that kind of misery.’
Megan rolled her eyes and threw a Malteaser at my head. ‘You're not them, Amanda.’
‘What if I am?’
‘You’re not.’ She said with conviction. ‘You’re careful. And thoughtful. He clearly cares for you. And you’re doubting your choices. What’s the harm in giving it a try?’
‘I couldn’t stay. He asked. And God, Meg, I wanted to. I wanted to curl up right in his lap and let him make all the hard choices for me. But I panicked, because that’s not who I want to be. I said we should keep it open-ended.’
‘Do you want it open-ended?’
I closed my eyes. Sirens passed outside, throwing blue lights across the ceiling.
‘No. I want… I don’t know. I want everything he has to offer, but without losing who I am. And without getting hurt.’
Megan bumped her shoulder gently into mine. ‘You’ll miss all the good stuff when you spend your life avoiding the bad.’
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes before I could stop them.
She pushed the Maltesers nearer. ‘Here. Sugar solves at least half of all emotional breakdowns. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll try tea. And if that doesn't work, we’ll move on to the wine.’
I laughed through my tears.
‘Tell me what he’s really like,’ she said. ‘Not the boring stuff. The bits you remember when you close your eyes.’
And just like that, the words came easier.
‘He’s warm,’ I said. ‘Like you. And he holds me like he's afraid I might vanish if he lets go even for a second. He’s got this sleepy morning hair that makes him look like a corrupted angel, and when he smiles, it makes my insides turn to jelly.’
‘You know, for someone who claims not to do romance, you really sound like someone falling in love.’
I groaned and covered my face with both hands.
‘What else do you think about when you close your eyes,’ Meg asked.
‘Nothing that it’s decent to relay to my little sister.’
She rolled onto her side, eyes like saucers. ‘Well, not I’m getting the wine, and I need you to spill the juicy stuff.’
I laughed and felt a thousand times lighter already.