Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
If you want to meet in the middle, you have to take a step forward.
From the self-help book for self-pitiers by psychologist Rachel James
No comment
Connor was gone.
He'd flown to points unknown. No one knew where or why, and really, she wasn’t supposed to know. But she’d overheard Cian and Izzie complaining about how he’d taken a few days off without a word, and now they had to take over his work, and… Shit.
Rachel didn’t know what she’d expected, but…she’d hoped to find him sitting on her doorstep the next morning. And the morning after that. And the morning after that.
Or at least she might have seen him walking past the window of Match Me!, grabbing breakfast for Cian, Izzie, and their new employee Jean.
But she didn’t see him at all — and she hated that.
You made it seem pretty final, Rachel, a little voice in her head whispered.
And it was true. She realized she’d practically ended it, but… She believed it would be better this way, that she should get some clarity in all areas of her life, for once.
Shit. She missed him. Even though he was so stubborn.
Even though he argued about everything. Even though he knew better than anyone how to annoy her.
But he also knew better than anyone how to make everything right, how to make her feel safe, how to be strong.
To be right, no matter how imperfect she was – or perhaps because of it.
She just wanted to see his damn face. Not his abs, just his face!
She’d been too harsh. She’d wanted too much. She should have talked to him more, given him time and a chance. But he hadn’t even given her hope that he’d ever even think about marriage…and that had scared her.
That was exactly what she’d texted him last night. She’d apologized, explained to him that she hadn’t been entirely fair. That, obviously, he could take his time to think about everything.
But Connor hadn’t replied — and it was hard to blame him. It had only taken her one night to realize how horrible the confrontation had been. Imperfect Rachel had struck with precision.
But she could really use Connor right now, she thought, as she rang the doorbell of her parents’ house, flanked by Maddie and Lucy.
The August sun and lack of water had dried out the garden. The once beautiful house with its white facade and red roof now just looked dirty.
“It’s not as bad inside as it is outside,” Maddie assured her. “Dad’s really getting better. He goes shopping and does the dishes. We hired a housekeeper who comes by once a week.”
Rachel swallowed. Here she was to make everything worse again.
“You’re not making it worse,” Lucy chimed in as if reading her mind and hooked arms with her. “He deserves the truth, and you deserve a life without the guilt.”
She nodded firmly, but clutched her arm tighter as the door opened.
Her father had always seemed oversized to her as a child.
So strong. But now he was swimming in his clothes and seemed to look up at her from his full height.
His gray hair was slowly thinning, but seemed neat, as were his clothes.
This was actually an improvement from last time: At Christmas, he hadn’t seemed so fit.
But she had also tried not to look too closely.
Now she looked. The grief was no longer deeply embedded in his wrinkles. It wasn’t gone, but it was diminished. And her father’s eyes widened as genuine joy spread across on his face.
“Rachel, finally, you’re here,” he said, and the next moment, he hugged her.
He smelled of musty lavender, and the scent was so familiar that Rachel’s eyes welled up. As if she hadn’t cried enough in the last week.
“Yes, I’m here,” she murmured, squeezing back. “Sorry it took so long.”
“That doesn’t matter!” Here was the kindness he’d passed on to Maddie. “Good Lord.” He let go of her and took a step back. “When was the last time I had you three girls alone in my house? Without your hockey players or your mother?”
At her funeral. That had been the last time.
“Hey, Dad,” Maddie said softly, kissing him on the cheek before walking past him into the kitchen. “Dad!” she called. “What did I tell you about leaving your dirty dishes in the sink?”
“It’s only two plates,” he replied.
“Two plates is a bad start,” Lucy said wisely, squeezing his hand. “Have you showered?”
“Yesterday.”
“Good, and the fridge is full too.” Maddie poked her head out of the kitchen. “If you would just water the lawn now…”
“We’re in a drought, we need the water for other things,” he said with a sigh.
Familiarity resonated in every word. Apparently, they had a ritual. They were checking to see if he was taking care of himself and the house.
And she wasn’t part of it. Until now.
“Dad, how often do you look at your photo album?” she asked because it was on the table right next to the front door.
“Once a week, maybe. Tell me, is this a visit or an interrogation?” he asked, frowning.
“A little bit of both,” Lucy said. “We’re here because Rachel wants to talk to you.”
He pressed his lips together. “If this is about me going to therapy again…”
“Not today,” Maddie promised.
“Although it is important,” Rachel added apologetically.
They went into the living room and sat on the couch while her father sat in the big armchair.
“What’s this about?” he asked suspiciously.
Rachel took a deep breath…and just let it out, no more excuses. It was easier to confess to her father now that her sisters knew and were sitting next to her, literally holding her hand.
Her father said nothing. He let her speak, looking at her and his hands until she finished. “I didn’t want to visit you…because I felt so guilty. Because I knew. I was afraid it would slip out. But that doesn’t make up for not taking care of you, I know that. So…” She nodded and closed her mouth.
Silence fell over the room as her father continued staring at her. He wasn't shocked. He wasn't angry. More like…sad.
Finally, he murmured, barely audibly, “She told me, Rachel.”
Her stomach lurched. “What? What’re you saying?”
“She told me she’d cheated on me. More than once. The day before she died.”
With a dry mouth, she blinked. Where had her heart gone? Her chest felt so empty. “What? No. That can’t be right.”
“Yes.” He lowered his gaze. “She said it was time to take responsibility for her actions. And…I forgave her.”
“You did… Why?” Rachel asked, stunned.
“Because she was right about me smothering her at times during our relationship. She was right, I never addressed things when I had problems.”
“What?” Lucy bristled. “But she had affairs.”
“Yes. And I was furious about it,” he said slowly. “But, to be honest…I’d suspected it for years. I just never said anything out of fear of ruining it.”
“What?” Maddie asked, now also taken aback. “How could you… No. How could you not have said anything? To Mom? To us?”
He swallowed hard. “I didn’t want to tarnish your mother’s image for you. I had no idea that you…that she used you to cover up her affairs. If I had known…” Sighing, he buried his face in his hands. “Oh, Rachel. I’m so sorry. I wanted to carry that burden alone.”
“Does that mean we both…didn’t say anything for the same reason?” she asked, perplexed.
He smiled wearily. “It seems so.”
“But…I don’t understand!” Lucy cried out. “Then why do you miss her so much? Mom was wonderful when she wanted to be. I miss her. But she obviously had a lot of flaws. And you’re acting like she was perfect. Like she was perfection personified.”
A stern expression appeared around her father’s mouth.
“I loved your mother very much — that doesn’t stop when the other person makes mistakes.
Feelings like that don’t just go away. Yes, I was disappointed when she told me about her slip-ups.
But…I was so glad to finally know why she became incredibly distant every few years.
I was so relieved that she made the first move and was honest with me.
We were married for more than thirty years.
There were good times and bad, but we always got back together.
I know most partners probably wouldn’t have let her get away with it.
That’s okay. It was hard for me too. I guess everyone has to decide for themselves something like that.
But I…I had hope that we could finally talk about our problems and find our old selves in the future.
But she died before we could figure it out. ”
Rachel stared at him. She didn’t know what to say. She would kill Connor if he cheated on her!
But when they had been out together, he hadn’t even looked at other women. He had declined other women’s advances when she told him she needed distance. The only real fault he could be accused of was…not wanting to get married.
“I know I should go to therapy,” her father continued quietly.
“I know I didn’t handle the grief well and that I let you girls down.
But it’s hard for me to admit to myself how long I deliberately closed my eyes to the obvious just because I loved your mother.
How badly I treated myself and you. How could I admit that to a therapist?
That I still love more than anything the woman who cheated on me.
Some would say she doesn’t deserve it. It’s difficult to admit mistakes. ”
Rachel swallowed and nodded. She understood and would still make sure he found a good therapist. She would help him. But first…first, she had to help herself. Which was okay.
“Excuse me for a moment,” she whispered as she rose and walked down the hall out into the withered front yard. She felt like she needed air.
But she wasn’t left alone. And she had the feeling she would never truly be alone again.
“I think I made a mistake,” she murmured, tilting her head back.
“I shouldn’t have demanded that Connor make a decision right away.
It was wrong to ask him if he wanted kids, a wedding, eternity, and then leave after just ten minutes!
I shouldn’t have broken up with him at all.
I…I feel like the ultimate hypocrite. I’ve helped people save their relationships every day for ten years…
and I haven’t saved one of my own yet! He’s right.
I gave up. Because I was scared. Because I thought he didn’t want what I wanted, and that there was no solution.
But…I didn’t even give him an inch! I thought I was finally allowed to think about myself.
But that’s not how it works. You can’t just think about yourself or just about others.
I should have found the balance, I… Shit, shit, shit.
” How could she have been so stupid? He’d asked her not to rush him.
But it had hurt, and she’d wanted to get it over with…
“Wait,” Lucy said, who seemed confused. “You told him you loved him, asked him if he wanted marriage or kids…and didn’t give him twenty minutes to think about it?” she asked, perplexed.
Rachel shrugged. “Well, you said…”
“That you should ask him what he wants — not break up with him if he can’t give you a clear answer straight away!” Maddie’s eyes widened. “What’s more important to you, kids or marriage?”
“Kids, of course. But…”
“Rachel, you don’t have to get married these days. I’m honestly not sure I want to,” Lucy chimed in. “If Dax really wanted to, I’d probably give in at some point, but…I love him. He loves me. I trust him. And that’s a lot, as it is.”
She knew that. And it must have seemed so monumental to Connor to confess that he was in love with her. But she hadn’t really appreciated it!
Shit. She’d made a mistake. She should have given him time. She always said everyone deserved time!
“Oh God. I’m an idiot. I know better than anyone that you can and should take your time with important decisions.
Shit. Where the hell is Connor? How am I supposed to talk to him if he went on vacation?
” She took a deep breath. “I’ll go see Cian and ask him.
He should know. Or I’ll call Connor, but I really want to see him in person, I… ”
“Oh,” Maddie said, biting her lower lip. “That’s unfortunate because you don’t have time for that tonight. I set up a date for you.”
Rachel stared at her in disbelief. “You what?”
“Well, I was thinking that you never finished the bet. So, you have a date. Date number five. The last one for the bet.”
“What?”
She raised both hands apologetically. “I thought it might provide a distraction. Besides, Rachel, I want my sign on the divorce firm’s door. I need it. We need it.” She shrugged. “So…at least try, okay? It’s at the Galette. You like it, right?”
Her mouth went dry, and she groaned loudly. The Galette, of all places.
“Look at it this way,” Maddie added hastily. “The bet will be over for good, and if you still want Connor after the date, you have your answer. I have to tell you that the guy I matched you with is pretty hot, and has a ninety-one percent match with you.”
“What? Ninety-one percent?” That was a ridiculously high number — and she didn’t care at all. Even if it were 100 percent, she wanted Connor.
“Do it for me, okay?” Maddie looked almost stern now. “You started this damn bet, so finish it. So we can hang our sign on his door.”
Rachel narrowed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Fine!” she conceded, annoyed. Connor wasn’t around anyway and she needed to talk to him in person.
Even if the date would be a complete waste of time!