Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
You can dress up a pile of shit, but it’s still a pile of shit.
Tips and tricks for every situation from divorce lawyer Connor Stone
I really would like to bring you a shovel for that, Connor. - Rachel
He didn’t know what else he could have said to Rachel.
He didn’t just tell women he was in love with them. He didn’t do that. It had seemed so monumental to say the words…but they hadn’t been enough.
Why the hell couldn’t the words be enough?
Because I’m head over heels in love with you — but I don’t know what you want.
It wasn’t fair of her to ambush him with all those questions! These were questions he’d only recently started asking himself. Before Rachel, he hadn’t even met a woman he’d even considered…with whom he’d…
No! It was a load of bullshit that she’d demanded such important answers in the space of ten minutes. She may have used flowery words, but bullshit was bullshit!
Because I’m head over heels in love with you.
Fuck.
He paced angrily around his living room, running his hands through his hair and down the back of his neck, trying to calm himself, but unsuccessfully.
She couldn’t tell him that she loved him and then say they weren’t compatible — then leave before he fully comprehended what was going on.
He hadn’t even been able to ask her how things had gone with her sisters!
Or how she felt about the court date. He hadn’t been able to comfort or cheer her up, or tell her about the fun afternoon at Cian’s, which had ended with Ada hiding Gareth’s phone and him offering her half a million dollars to return it.
She would have taken the deal if Cian hadn’t intervened.
Rachel hadn’t given him time. And that was all he wanted: time with her.
“Oops, you’re still awake.”
Alec stood in the doorway, and Connor stopped. “And you’re late. It’s after one! You could have at least told me you’d be late, you know?” he said belligerently.
Alec narrowed his eyes. “Sorry, Mom. I figured you wouldn’t be here anyway, and that as a thirty-year-old man, I could decide when I went to bed. Speaking of which: why are you here? You usually sleep at Rachel’s.”
Connor pressed his lips together and looked away.
“Oh no.” Alec groaned loudly. “Don’t tell me you broke up.”
“We weren’t together, Alec.”
“Of course you were, you idiot!” He tugged at his hair in annoyance. “And why are you breaking up now, right after I told Mallory you’ve found the right one and are incredibly happy? She’s mad she had to hear it from me, by the way, just so you know when she yells at you.”
Connor’s head snapped up. “Alec, that's such bullshit. I don’t believe in the right one.”
“Well, not believing in something doesn’t mean you’re right, Connor. Ask anyone who still believes the Earth is flat.”
He snorted. “Now you’re telling me Rachel is my soul mate, huh?”
“Nonsense. Soul mates are bullshit. But, man, she’s the right one.” He shook his head and looked at him. “So. What did you do to make her break up with you?”
“You don't think I broke up with her?”
“Did you?”
“Well, no…”
He laughed. “Okay, so what did you do?”
“I said once I never want to get married. She does,” he summed up tonelessly.
Alec mouthed a silent ah.
“What?”
“Well…the reason is not as stupid as I thought,” he said with a shrug, walking past him and opening the fridge.
“It isn’t?” Connor asked, surprised. He thought the whole thing was pretty stupid.
“No,” he mumbled, pulling a water bottle out of the fridge door. “If she’s so desperate to get married, that’s obviously a big problem in a relationship with you. It’ll be difficult to find a compromise.”
“We could stay engaged forever,” he replied harshly.
Alec chuckled softly and closed the fridge. “She’d definitely be happy with that!”
Shit. “It’s silly to break up with someone over this,” he said, annoyed. “I…I told her how I felt, okay?”
Alec looked appropriately impressed. “Wow.”
“Exactly, thanks!” He nodded, satisfied. “But it wasn’t enough. And she wouldn’t give me time to think!”
“Do you have to think about getting married?” he asked, frowning. “I thought you were pretty firm in that area.”
His brother was right. He’d never wanted to get married, and he didn’t understand why Rachel needed it so badly, despite her own parents’ terrible marriage.
I’m scared, Connor. Because you have a gigantic commitment issue. Because you want it to be easy. I’m not easy.
He gritted his teeth.
“Connor, it’s perfectly fine that you don’t want to get married,” Alec murmured, looking at him seriously. “You’re a divorce lawyer, for God’s sake. I understand why marriage isn’t high on your list of priorities. You’re entitled to your opinion. Just like Rachel is.”
“But…marriage means nothing. All it means is a more complicated breakup.”
“Rachel seems to believe otherwise. But you know her better than I do. Why do you think marriage is so important to her?”
He rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes. She had told him.
Marriage is a promise. Like a…a bet. You promise to be fair. To talk to each other, to reach your goals together. To accept the other person as they are. Perfect or imperfect. Regardless of whether you sometimes doubt them or not.
She needed the reassurance that he was serious.
Because she knew him. Because she knew he hadn’t had a long-term relationship yet and that he was cynical when it came to love.
She wanted a promise that he would accept her as she was, that he wanted imperfect Rachel forever.
She was afraid he had one foot out the door.
Understandably! Because, by God, in his last few relationships – which none of his friends would have called relationships – he did have one foot out the door.
But he hadn’t planned on leaving. He hadn’t planned on changing his mind.
He wanted Rachel. Her wanted her so damn badly.
But Connor couldn’t make promises he didn’t know he could keep.
He couldn’t tell his friends that he and Rachel were now together without them getting along for at least a few months.
She'd been right. It would have immediately…
gotten serious. Love was so insidious — and marriages fell apart so damn often!
He swallowed and pressed his hands over his eyes.
“I want to give her everything, Alec,” he whispered.
“I want her to be happy so badly. I was so close to just saying yes to everything so that I wouldn’t lose her.
But…I can’t lose myself either. I can’t give her everything.
And the fact that I want to give her everything…
scares me. You shouldn’t sacrifice everything for love just to please the other person. ”
“No,” Alec murmured, and Connor felt his hand on his shoulder.
“So maybe you should tell her that's how it feels to you, like that’s what she’s asking of you.
And what you’re afraid of, loving someone too much and ending up like Mom.
Tell her that for you, marriage means signing up to put the other person’s needs above your own.
But you know that’s not true, right? That it’s a constant process of give and take. ”
He snorted. “Where did you get that from?”
“Oh, just about every couple in Eden Bay,” he replied dryly.
“And Mallory, of course. But… You’re not Mom, Connor.
And you’re definitely not Dad. Rachel didn’t strike me as the kind of woman who would lose herself in a relationship, so that nothing else mattered except your happiness.
She made that clear. You two communicate.
Too much, in my opinion. So…tell her about your problem with marriage. ”
He swallowed and shook his head almost imperceptibly. “She gave up too quickly, Alec.”
“She was scared. We all get scared. You know that better than anyone. It’s the reason you’ve never had a relationship. Except with her. And why she was so disconcerted.”
Maybe. “I need to go to bed, Alec,” he said wearily. “I have to be in court tomorrow. It's the Teager divorce.”
“Sure. I hope you…sleep.”
“You mean you hope I sleep well.”
“No. I meant what I said.”
Alec was right. He wasn’t going to be sleeping. He would have only dreamed about her anyway.
“You don’t look well,” Mrs. Teager greeted him the next morning, examining his face critically. He knew what she saw, but since he didn’t have to win a beauty contest today, merely a custody battle, he didn’t see a problem.
“I didn’t sleep well. It happens. You’ll be going home with your children today, Mrs. Teager.”
She smiled hesitantly. “Thank you. And thank you for being so patient with me.”
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I kept postponing the date and reconsidering. You were incredibly kind, considering the circumstances.”
He nodded curtly, though his jaw tensed. “Of course. And now…you're 100 percent certain?”
“Yes. You know, I’m strangely…happy. Because I’m so sure.
Taking more time was a good decision. I felt rushed.
But now… The woman from Match Me! was right.
Now I know it’s the right thing to do. Now I can fight without letting myself be unsettled anymore.
It makes everything so much easier, to be certain because I’ve been honest with myself, and with him…
and seen what kind of person he is. That wh?at I want isn’t important to him.
So…” She smiled. “This is going to be terrible, but at least I’m certain it has to be this way. Do you understand?”
He stared at her, and his heart sank. What Rachel wanted was important to him. She should know that. He just couldn’t give her everything. “But how exactly can you be sure now? How do you know what you want really isn’t important to him?”
Mrs. Teager seemed to consider his words briefly.
“I think I just needed a…sign. A sign that he was honestly trying to change. That he was making an effort to understand my side of the story. That he was giving things a chance as I saw them. That would have been enough for me to meet him halfway. He shouldn’t have to conform completely!
That wasn't the man I fell in love with. The gesture, the attempt, that would have counted.” She smiled sadly.
“I think everything is negotiable in a marriage, except when one wants children and the other doesn’t.
But…he just dazzled me with words and flowers, not with an honest attempt at togetherness. And it ended up not being enough.”
An honest attempt. Merely an accommodation.
Connor swallowed.
I don’t want you to throw your principles overboard for me. I just wish we could at least talk about it.
Maybe Rachel hadn’t wanted everything. Just enough. Just a maybe. A sign that would take away her fear. He knew she was afraid of not being enough. That people demanded perfect, and she couldn’t give them perfect.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Maybe he had to be the one who didn’t give up too quickly.
Maybe he should tell Rachel his fears and try to ease hers.
Because he wanted her forever. Just without marriage.
But he hadn’t said that outright. He'd been scared that her expectations were too high, that he couldn’t fulfill them.
Or worse, that he would want to fulfill them all and forget himself in the process.
But she wouldn’t demand that. She’d merely needed…something solid from him, an admission that he’d try.
She hadn’t been perfect during their argument. She hadn't been entirely fair to him. She'd asked too much of him too quickly.
But he loved her anyway. Because perfect wasn’t what he wanted.
Dirty was better. That was exactly what he should have told her.
They should have argued. He should have explained to her what his problem was.
Rachel wasn’t perfect — but with a little nudge, she would have made an effort to understand his point of view.
She would have tried. And sometimes, trying was all it took.
“Mrs. Teager,” he said, “excuse me for a minute. I need to make a quick call.”
But first, he would book a plane ticket before he asked for help from someone he feared hated him and would never lift a finger to help him.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
It didn’t matter. The attempt counted, the effort he was making.
Shit, he just hoped it was enough.