Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Sometimes it's better to just rip off all the band-aids at once!
From the self-help book for self-pitiers by psychologist Rachel James
Simple solution: Stop using band-aids. Wounds heal faster when exposed to the air, no matter what. - Connor
Sunshine Pier lay quiet and peaceful as Rachel strolled toward O’Leary having Connor’s brother in the next room somewhat dampened the mood.
“Not here,” Connor stated simply.
She nodded. Good. Then she wouldn’t have to postpone the conversation. She would be brave and get it out of the way. How…wonderful.
“May I come in?” she asked.
“I wasn’t planning on letting you leave,” Connor remarked, amused, and her stomach fluttered at the thought that he might have meant the words.
She stepped inside and looked around. Connor’s huge apartment was completely black and white: furniture, surfaces, décor, everything. The way he dressed. The way Connor thought. Gray wasn’t really him, except when it came to relationships.
She closed her eyes, squared her shoulders, and turned to meet his gaze.
“Connor, were you serious when you said…? Is this only sex for you?”
He blinked in surprise. “What?”
“At the garden party. You said it was only sex,” she murmured. “Is that all you think we have?”
Connor opened his mouth and furrowed his eyebrows. “Well, no. We’re also…friends, aren’t we?”
“Friends?” she echoed hollowly.
“More than that,” he said quickly. “You know what I mean. So, no, it’s not only sex.”
“Then why did you say it?”
He blinked. “Because the others were annoying me. It made things easier. It closed the topic.”
She swallowed, her palms sweating. “So…you want to keep things easy? Like they are now?”
Connor scratched the back of his neck and tilted his head almost imperceptibly. “Rachel, to be honest, I’m a little confused. Why is it suddenly so important what my friends think of us?”
She took a deep breath and reminded herself to be strong. “To be completely honest, Connor, it’s because I want to get married and have kids. Because I’m head over heels in love with you — but I don’t know what you want.”
She spoke the last words so loudly that they echoed off the high ceiling. They embedded themselves in the black carpet at her feet, reflected off Connor’s stunned face, and landed in his hands, which he clenched in his pockets.
“You…”
“Connor, are you serious?” she interrupted him uneasily.
“What? Could you maybe give me a moment to digest your words…”
“Are you serious about me?”
Connor closed his eyes and ran both hands through his hair. “Am I serious? I’m not misleading you. I obviously want you – I…”
“Do you honestly never want to get married?”
“Rachel,” he said, laughing dryly. “Can you slow down a bit?”
“I don’t know if I can,” she admitted, her vision blurring. “I feel like I’m already up to my neck in it.”
“In what?” he asked, blinking.
“In a long-term relationship with you that you might not even want,” she whispered, the truth tasting bitter on her tongue. “So…are you serious? Do you honestly never want to get married? I heard you, when you said that to Gareth.”
Connor stared at her. He ran his thumb gently down her cheek, catching a tear she hadn’t even noticed. She could practically see his brain racing, as if he didn’t know where to start. Finally, he asked quietly, “Why is marriage so important to you?”
“It provides security.”
He pressed his lips together. “Nothing is truly secure, Rachel.”
“No, but marriage is a promise. Like a…a bet. You promise to be fair to each other. To talk to each other, to reach your goals together. To accept the other person as they are. Perfect or imperfect. Regardless of whether you sometimes doubt them or not. And I think I need that promise. Especially with a man like you, who is a master at doubting eternal, unconditional love! Who claims that true love is a question of when, not who. Connor, I honestly don’t know how I could have fallen in love with you…
but it happened. And I want to get married, Connor.
I want to have children. I want to find the love of my life who will support me with all my imperfections — not the hot man who thinks my job is a joke. ”
Connor was grinding his teeth, and his gaze flickered between her eyes and her trembling lips. “I don’t think your job is a joke.”
“Yes! You think Match Me! is ridiculous.”
He swallowed. She saw his Adam’s apple rise and fall, how he rubbed the back of his neck. She knew he would answer honestly because he was always honest. It was one of the things she loved about him.
“You’re not Match Me!, Rachel,” he replied slowly. “You’re a couples' therapist. And I believe therapy is important.”
“Even couples' therapy?”
“Sometimes.” He looked away. “I guess it depends. It helps some couples, but it might give other couples false hope.”
“Hope can never be false, Connor,” she whispered.
He sighed. “Yeah, yeah, okay. I’ll let that slide.
Good couples' therapy is a wonderful thing, you’re right.
I am certain analysis can help many people.
As for Match Me! and your questionnaire…
” He took a deep breath before looking back at her face.
“I’m sorry, Rachel. But what I’ve seen so far of your questionnaire and algorithm is that it only matched you with complete idiots. ..”
“But that was my fault! I filled it out wrong.”
“That may be, but…when you filled it out correctly, you were matched with my damn brother!”
She nodded. “Maybe Alec and I would be compatible.”
Connor frowned and crossed his arms. “So that’s what you think, huh?” he asked sharply.
“If it weren’t for you, Connor, I might have gone out with him. Yes,” she said, trying to sound gentle and patient. Nevertheless, she realized how bitter she sounded, how disappointment was settling in her chest. He hadn’t said anything about marriage yet, or if he was serious.
“Anyway,” Connor said harshly, glaring at her challengingly. “I'm here now, but that’s irrelevant, right?”
“Yes, but that’s not how you can determine if Match Me! works.”
He snorted. “Rachel, you can’t promise that people will stay together forever.”
“No, that might be going too far, but we definitely offer a slightly better chance.”
He sighed and closed his eyes. “Are you going to tell me why we’re having this conversation?
I don’t believe in matchmaking, just like I don’t believe in a promise that a couple will stay together forever when so much can change from one day to the next, which neither the couple nor a damn agency has any control over.
Any relationship can fall apart at any time! ”
She pressed her lips together and closed her eyes.
“Yes. That’s exactly the point. Connor, my life…
” She swallowed hard but continued speaking.
“My life is such a mess, but with you in it, it’s calmer, more orderly.
I just don’t know if it will always be this way.
Shit, it’s even likely that it won’t be, that it will become imperfect.
So, I need to know if we’re on the same page.
If you want what I want before I get badly hurt, understand?
” She looked at him for help, but he still seemed to be fifty paragraphs behind.
“I…I just want to know. To start over. I have the damn court date at the end of next week, where it will be decided whether or not I can keep my license. Then I’ll have clarity.
And I’ve realized that…I need clarity with everything. So...what do you want?”
“I want you, Rachel,” he said quietly. He wasn’t thinking about it, but there was still hesitation in his eyes. “I’m…I’m pretty in love with you, okay? Can’t that be enough?”
Her lips trembled, and she lowered her gaze.
Her heart filled with his words, but it wasn’t full yet.
“I don’t know. I…” She swallowed. He might tell her now that he was in love with her, but would he fight for her and always support her even if he realized she wasn’t perfect, even for him?
“It is enough for now, Connor. But…I don’t think it’s enough for eternity. ”
“Why not?” he whispered, his voice sounding urgent as he gently cupped her face. “Do you know how many women I’ve told that I was in love with them? Only you.”
“Well, I wanted to hear it, Connor,” she said. “But I want more. I want to know what your plan is.”
“Why…why isn’t love enough?”
“As a divorce lawyer, shouldn’t you know that?” she whispered, suddenly exhausted.
He dropped his hands. His chest heaved, and Rachel hated that she was to blame. That he looked so confused and hurt. But she had to ask these questions. She couldn’t spend the rest of her life afraid of suddenly not being enough.
“Can I at least get some time?” he asked nervously. “You come here and give me an ultimatum out of nowhere…”
“I’m not giving you an ultimatum. I’ve realized we want different things. Connor, I don’t regret the time I spent with you. I’ve had so much fun with you, but…I want kids and marriage. Do you? You still haven’t said anything about that.”
He opened his mouth. “I don’t have anything against children. To be honest, I’ve never really thought about it. But marriage…why should we get married? We haven’t known each other long and…”
“Let me rephrase that question. Can you imagine ever getting married? Can you at least consider marriage? Talk about it with me and not completely rule it out?”
Connor gritted his teeth. “Ever is incredibly far away, Rachel! Why can’t we just keep going and see what happens?”
“I would,” she whispered, “if I thought you’d ever change your mind about marriage and love for eternity, soul mates who support each other even when they don’t always understand each other. So, can you imagine that happening?”
He stared at her for endless seconds, minutes, and then lowered his gaze. And a small splinter broke free from her heart. Buried itself in her lung.
“I thought so,” she whispered.
“God.” Connor shook his head. “Rachel, it’s too soon for this conversation! I feel like you’re giving your relationship therapy even though you don’t have one!”
The splinter dug deeper. “I don't, do I?” she asked woodenly.
“Shit.” He closed his eyes and ran his hand over them. “That’s not what I meant. We are in a relationship.”
“A sex-leasing relationship that you’d rather hide from your friends, and frame as only sex because it scares you? So not a relationship you’d buy? Not one…that you’d bet on?”
“I’d bet on you every damn time, Rachel,” he said loudly. “Over and over again. But love is unpredictable, and the end of a marriage is likely. And…you said it yourself. My no-go is women who give up easily. So why do you want to give up on us before we’ve even started?”
“I’m not giving up, Connor!” she said louder.
“This isn’t easy for me, okay? I can deal with the fact that you think Match Me!
is silly and don’t believe in soul mates.
It’s okay. But you insisted I be honest with myself.
And…I want to have kids, and it was difficult for me when you couldn’t tell your friends we had more than only sex.
And that you never want to even consider marriage. ”
“Rachel…please.” Despair crept onto his face. “Why…do you want to ruin it? What are you doing?”
“I’m scared, Connor,” she whispered hoarsely.
“Because you have a gigantic commitment issue. Because you say you love me, but you haven’t been able to show it to your friends.
Because you want it to be easy. And I’m not easy.
Because you always have one foot out the door.
Because marriage is important to me — yet you won’t even consider it.
I don’t want you to throw your principles overboard for me.
I just wish we could at least talk about it.
” She wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I have to break my patterns, Connor. It’s time.
I’ve only ever had relationships with men who couldn't hurt me. Who couldn’t prove to me that I’m not always strong.
But that’s the way it is, and that’s good.
That’s okay. In your presence…because of you, it never seemed bad to me when I was weak.
Because now I know that weakness doesn’t mean losing.
It simply means opening up. And that’s what I did.
With you. I love you for making me feel like the strongest woman in the world — whether I’m having a weak moment or not.
But at the same time…I’ll be insecure for the rest of my life if you say you never want to marry me.
And it’s okay that you hate marriage. That you don’t need or want the whole enchilada.
But it’s also okay that I need and want it.
So...” She smiled shakily. “…we want different things. It’s not the end of the world.
It’s fine. We’re fine the way we are. Just not… compatible.”
And then she left because she didn’t want to be there anymore. It was the right thing to do.
And Connor didn’t stop her.