Chapter 21 #3
“I know,” Rachel whispered. “It’s a lot…maybe you would have been better off if I hadn’t told you. But Connor said I had a right to come clean with you and…”
“You should have told us much sooner!” Lucy cried, aghast. “And you have to tell Dad. He has a right to know.”
“I know,” she whispered, narrowing her eyes.
“But I need your help with that. It’s so hard for me to ask this, because I wasn’t there for you, but…
I can’t go to Dad alone. Everything inside me is against it.
I know I should, that he’s not doing well, and I’m a psychologist, I could help, but I have nothing to give him or you except bad memories and new pain.
All of you. I feel like I’ve spent my life making you miserable.
Because Mom favored me. Because I was perfect and everyone at school believed you two didn't measure up to me. You had a harder life because of me, so I thought if I left, it would be easier for me and you, but…I seem to keep making the wrong decision. Because I’ve missed you so much.
And the last year has been horrible, and I wanted to call you every night, but I couldn’t burden you with my worries when I wasn’t helping you with yours, and… ”
Suddenly, Maddie wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close, while Lucy sighed and came to sit on her other side.
“I hate it when the divorce lawyer is right. But maybe I really should have asked more about how you were doing,” she murmured in an oddly soft tone, stroking the back of her head.
“I probably wouldn’t have told you the truth,” Rachel admitted reluctantly, her voice muffled because she was crying on Maddie’s shoulder.
“Well, then…” Lucy said, and Rachel reluctantly laughed even though the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.
“But, Rachel, why did you leave Chicago now?” Maddie asked, confused. “What was so horrible there?”
She sank further into the couch, deeper into her sisters’ hugs, and nodded. She had to tell them everything. And that was exactly what she did.
She told them more about their mother. About the lawsuit in Chicago.
About her friends, who had abandoned her as soon as the lawsuit was filed.
About her loneliness during the last six months.
About how it wouldn’t look good in court that she’d left town.
She talked about her guilt and how she hated having to be Perfect Rachel.
She talked and cried, and when she was finally finished, she felt completely wrung out and raw inside.
It literally felt like she’d poured her heart out, leaving it dry and small, but hopeful.
Lucy and Maddie hadn’t interrupted her once. They just held her, handing her one tissue after another, and let her talk. They remained silent even after she’d finished.
Finally, Lucy whispered, “How is it that your head hasn’t exploded yet? If I had to carry all that information around on my own…”
She nodded. “Well, I told Maya and…and Connor.”
Lucy’s arms tightened around her, and Maddie tilted her head back slightly. “Connor?” she asked, puzzled. “You told him everything before you told us?”
“I know.” She narrowed her eyes. “You should have been the first, but it was easier to tell him. He doesn’t judge me for anything, and…”
“He doesn’t judge?” Maddie’s voice rose an octave. “Are we talking about the same man?”
“He just has his principles. He’s not really evil or an asshole. He just has a short temper and gets loud too easily. But…he’s a good guy.”
Lucy looked at her, mouth open. “Rachel. Have you fallen in love with the enemy?”
“He’s not the enemy!” she said quickly.
“But he is, sort of,” Maddie murmured, blinking at her in confusion. “I may be the nice sister, but Connor thinks Match Me! is a joke, Rachel. You know that. And I thought it made you as angry as it made me!”
“It did,” she said seriously. “But…” She trailed off.
“You’ve fallen in love with him,” Maddie stated softly.
She nodded because it was the truth. “He understands me. He’s funny and sensitive, and…”
“And a divorce lawyer by conviction,” Lucy whispered. “He doesn’t want anything serious, does he? He just said out there it’s only sex between the two of you.”
“Yes, but he didn’t mean it like that…”
That was how she wanted to leave it, but at the same time, she didn’t know if it was the truth. Had he meant it?
Uncertain, Lucy looked at her — and Rachel hated that the same uncertainty was eating away at her.
“Don’t you want to get married?” Maddie asked, irritated. “And have kids? Isn’t that actually pretty important to you?”
I’ll never get married. You know that.
Rachel bit her lip. “Well, yeah…I’ve always wanted to get married.
” She'd always wanted to have a man who knew with certainty that she was the one for him, who would give his all and always work on their marriage. Even if it wasn’t perfect.
Relationships fell apart quickly. They could end as soon as someone had doubts.
But when you got married…you promised yourself that you’d at least try to overcome your doubts.
And Rachel possessed so many qualities that could make people doubt!
“So, what are you doing with him?” Lucy asked. “What’s…your goal? Are you together? A real couple?”
“We’re sex-leasing,” Rachel replied meekly.
Lucy almost laughed. “Nice.”
“Lucy!” Maddie exclaimed, exasperated.
“What? It’s a cool term. I’ll remember that one.”
“Yeah, but Rachel said she’s ready to find the love of her life,” Maddie said, uncharacteristically heated. “And not the…fuck buddy next door.”
Lucy stared at her, shocked. “Maddie, that choice of words coming from you.”
“Well, it’s true.” She waved a hand in exasperation before turning back to Rachel. “Do you know how many women I’ve seen him go home with, Rachel?”
“About as many as Dax and Matt did before they got together with us?” Lucy asked, interested.
Maddie frowned. “Oh, you’re right. That argument is moot.” She cleared her throat. “Anyway. What I’m saying, Rachel, is that if Connor truly believes it’s only sex, but you say you’re in love and want marriage and kids…maybe you should talk to him about what you are, or what you can be long-term.”
Yes. Probably. But she’d been so successful ignoring the thought for the past few weeks!
Rachel blinked and sniffed, her heart tightening sweetly and heavily. “Now that I’ve opened up to you,” she whispered, “does that mean I’ll constantly get unsolicited advice from you?”
“Yes!” came a double cry from behind the closed bedroom door.
Lucy rolled her eyes and shouted back, “It’s for your own good!
” before turning to Rachel, “That’s what sisters are for.
We love you unconditionally and only want the best for you.
Whether we say mean things to you – which we almost immediately regret!
– or not.” She grimaced. “Unsolicited advice is merely the icing on the cake. Think of all the wonderful times we’ll have together! ”
Rachel laughed, warmth spreading to her toes…even as a faint pang of despair pooled in her diaphragm.
She hadn’t realized how important the security of marriage was to her.
Her parents' relationship should have convinced her otherwise. But no matter how bad their relationship had been…they’d always been there for each other.
They hadn’t just thrown in the towel. And Connor…
Connor’s last meaningful relationship had been in high school.
If ever. He didn’t believe in marriage or the kind of love they were hoping to find with Match Me!
He’d only wanted sex-leasing with her, never hinting at whether he was even interested in having children…
But, yes, people change. Dax and Matt were the best proof of that. No matter how many women they’d slept with in the past, they’d ultimately been ready to commit fully to one.
But what if Connor would never be ready? What if they continued along the same lines for two years…before he finally told her he hated kids and meant it: He would never get married.
“Shit,” she whispered, leaning forward and burying her face in her hands.
She needed reassurance.