Chapter 21 #2
“Yes! You don’t owe him anything.” She pointed a trembling finger at Connor. “But you owe us – me, Maddie, Dad – everything. Thank you, Rachel, for proving once again where your priorities lie.” She turned on her heels and stormed out of the garden.
Beside her, Maddie took a deep breath. “I’m…going after her,” she said quietly, but couldn’t look Rachel in the eyes…and Rachel’s heart broke.
Even Maddie believed that Lucy was a bit right. Shit, even she believed it.
But how was she supposed to explain to her sisters that she had nothing but bad memories of their mother to offer their father, who spent his days keeping her memory alive? She had nothing but betrayal, deceit, and lies to add.
Silence hung over the garden. But it was okay; she had no business being here any longer. She had to tell Lucy and Maddie the truth.
“Excuse me,” she murmured before hurrying after her sisters.
She couldn't find them in the house or outside. Lucy’s old Honda, the one they’d all arrived in, was no longer parked along the road either.
“Shit,” she whispered, pressing her hands to her eyes, when a warm hand came to rest on the back of her neck.
“Take my car,” Connor murmured. The next moment, keys jingled as he pulled them from his pocket. “Find them, talk to them. Finally let go of the burden. It felt damn good, when I did it. Very…revitalizing.”
She dropped her hands and looked up at him uncertainly, subconsciously searching for the emotions in his face that would prove to her that the little word only couldn’t encompass what connected them.
She blinked because that was the least of her problems right now.
She shouldn’t even be thinking about it because Connor had said something, and…
She cleared her throat. “You really talked to Alec?”
“Yes. Sometimes you just have to bring things up to take their sting away.”
She reached for his keys and nodded. “Thanks.”
“No problem. And hey, Rachel.”
She turned around again. “What?”
The next moment, he put his arms around her.
He pressed her head to his shoulder, kissed the top of her head, and enveloped her in his scent, the one that always told her everything would be okay.
The little word only meant nothing. “You’re not a bad person.
You just had to make some shitty decisions.
And it’s okay that you needed time to get over it. Got it?”
She sniffed, but nodded. She knew he was right. But she still needed to hear it.
She tried Lucy’s apartment first, but when no one answered the door, she drove to the loft where Matt and Maddie lived. It was on one of the upper floors of a huge high-rise, and when she rang the bell, a camera on the front door automatically focused on her.
That meant her sisters knew she would be coming — yet opened the door anyway. Rachel took that as a good sign simply because she couldn’t afford any more bad ones today.
She was a nervous wreck as she rode the elevator to the correct floor. Maddie stood in the doorway.
“Hey,” Madison said quietly, lifting one corner of her mouth, but not quite managing the smile. “I told Lucy we couldn’t run from you, but she wanted to try anyway.”
Rachel laughed dryly. “That would have only worked if I still lived in Chicago. But I was serious about wanting to stay.”
She nodded. “I reminded her about that too.”
“I didn’t believe you!” Lucy called from inside. “So, I’m warning you, Rachel, I haven’t really calmed down yet.”
Another voice, this one male, chimed in, “It’s not going to happen within the next week, so whatever, come in, Rachel!”
“Whose side are you on, Dax?” Lucy called out, annoyed, and when Maddie stepped aside and let Rachel in, she saw Lucy crammed between Matt and her boyfriend Dax on a huge gray couch. The two hockey players exchanged a glance.
“I’m on the side where my furniture is left intact,” Matt finally decided.
“If you keep it up, it won’t be the same side anymore,” Lucy replied aggressively.
Rachel had to suppress a smile, despite everything. She loved Lucy for not taking any crap. She couldn’t be mad at her merely for speaking her mind. On the contrary, she admired her for it, because it was so much easier for her than it was for herself.
“Could you please leave for a bit?” Maddie asked, closing the door behind Rachel and looking expectantly at Dax and Matt.
“Where to?” Matt asked, bewildered. “I live here.”
“The bedroom?”
“Where you keep your handcuffs?” Dax asked, aghast.
Maddie’s cheeks flushed, and Lucy clicked her tongue impatiently. “Don’t make a fuss. Get into the bedroom. We’ll let you know when you can come out again.”
“Great,” Dax grumbled as he rose, and Matt did the same. Before they disappeared into the bedroom, Dax fixed her with one last look. “Don’t make her cry again, Rachel. I hate it when Lucy cries.”
She swallowed, but nodded. “I’ll try my best, but I can’t promise.”
Matt nodded. “Sounds fair. And Lucy, don’t make Rachel cry either, okay? Because that makes Maddie cry, and…you know.” Then they went into the bedroom and closed the door.
Rachel smiled tiredly and sat on the short side of the L-shaped couch.
“So…” Lucy drawled. “I admit I raised my voice a bit too much, and it was harsh to call you heartless. I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that.
I’m sorry.” She glanced at Maddie, who probably told her what to say, before sighing heavily.
“Rachel. I don’t think you’re a bad person.
I know you actually have a really big heart.
I’m trying really hard to understand you too.
I…love you, okay? You’re still my sister.
But I’m losing patience. So tell me why you’re here. And why you don’t want to see Dad.”
She squared her shoulders and stood up straight because it gave her more confidence. “I’m here because I want to be here. Because Chicago wasn’t home. And I don’t want to see Dad…” Her eyes burned, and she took a shaky breath. “Because I’m afraid he’ll want to talk about Mom.”
Maddie sank next to Lucy and frowned. “What would be wrong with that?”
“Yeah,” Lucy confirmed. “Just tell him about all your one-on-one time with Mom. About all the times you got manicures or went to the movies together…”
“That’s just it. She wasn’t at the movies with me, Lucy,” Rachel whispered, curling her fingers into the seat cushion.
“I was at the movies. But she just used it as an excuse. She dropped me off and used the time to…hop into bed with her coworker. Or her yoga instructor.” She spoke quietly, hoping the words would hurt less — but she knew she was fooling herself because Maddie and Lucy opened their mouths in shock.
But she had to keep talking. Yank off the bandage.
“I didn’t enjoy being out with her alone because I was just a kid and didn’t know what to do.
Because I loved her, and she said I’d only hurt you and Dad if I said anything.
That I should understand that she was staying with Dad for our sake, but she wasn't happy. That she couldn’t tell him that because she had such a hard time communicating with him.
It only happened a few times, but every time she suggested we do something together, I was terrified of what she was really planning. ”
And naturally, when she looked up, the tears came. Of course, she’d made an empty promise to Dax. They flowed down her cheeks, dripping from Maddie’s chin, and clinging to Lucy’s eyelashes. Lucy, who stared at her with her mouth gaping.
“No. That can’t be… No. They were happy.”
“Sometimes, yes,” Rachel whispered. “Maybe even often. But whenever Mom got fed up and angry with Dad, whenever she felt constrained by him…” She rubbed her wet cheeks.
“She couldn’t talk to him, so she cheated on him, instead.
Why do you think I became a couples' therapist? It was because I thought that if she and Dad had gone to one, it might have saved them. I wanted to protect other couples, other children from that. And then I moved away and thought I’d put it behind me.
I wanted to be far away from her — even though, of course, I loved her.
She was a great mother, I know that!” It was important to her that they understood that, that she didn’t hate their mother, that their mother had just…
made bad decisions. “But whenever Mom invited me…” She narrowed her eyes and shook her head.
“That’s why I didn’t contact you. Because you would have wanted to know what we went through together — and I didn’t want to lie to you!
Because I’d lied to you far too many times. ”
“But…” Maddie sniffed, sucking in her lower lip. “Why didn’t you ever tell us?”
“Because she should have!” Rachel’s voice trembled and rose.
“But she had to go and die before she had the chance! She had to leave me alone with the secret, and now I can’t look Dad in the eye.
I helped her cheat on him for years, and…
I didn’t want to hurt you! Not again. I didn’t want you to think badly of Mom.
That it would tear you apart like it tore me apart.
I wanted to protect you, but most of all, I wanted to protect myself.
I couldn’t bear to be responsible for your misery again. ”
“Again?” Lucy echoed.
“Yes. Because I left you alone with Mom’s death and Dad’s problems. Because I should have been there…but couldn’t be. Because I couldn’t find any comforting words. Because I was so angry at her that I could barely grieve.”
“Oh, Rachel,” Maddie whispered, taking her hand so that her tears also dripped onto her skin.
“Fuck,” Lucy commented. “Now I really wish I’d never made that heartless comment.”
Something creaked, and when Rachel looked up, irritated, she noticed the bedroom door open a crack. The next second, two boxes of tissues flew onto the couch before Dax whispered, annoyed, “We said no tears!”
Then the door closed again. Rachel had to laugh, but it was more like a hiccup.