Chapter Five #2
“Hey! Where did you just go?”
“Huh?” I look at his hands, but he’s using them to hold himself up and the other to cup my cheek. I release the headboard, feeling like a huge idiot. So stupid. Unsexy. Pathetic. He was probably just seeing how far I’d go to make him happy. Na?ve fool.
Dax’s soft smile vanishes. “Fuck. What did I do?”
“Nothing,” I whisper, shaking my head and wanting to turn away completely, but he’s holding my face. “I’m sorry.”
“What for, Jules? What just happened?”
“I guess it’s my turn to freak out,” I say and chuckle, but the sound is obviously strained and false.
“Talk to me. We don’t have to do anything…just don’t hide from me, please, Jules.”
“Aren’t you afraid of the shit and baggage I could bring?” His eyebrows furrow at my question.
“What shit? Vale shit?” he asks. A light of understanding creeps across his face, settling the harsh lines and furrows I put there.
I nod. It’s as good a term as any.
“No, I’m not worried. Never with you, because I’m Vale shit, Jules.
Not you. You’re a fucking rarity. I was born in the dark, wrapping it around me and spreading it to everyone I touch.
I could never be afraid of you. You’ve not brought trouble to me once, but already I’ve ruined your life…
” His eyes widen. “Fuck.” He pulls away, rising to his knees. “I’ve ruined your life.”
What just happened?
“No…no, Dax.”
“I shouldn’t be here.” He looks around as though confused. I can see it in his eyes—he’s going to run again. We’re the same. We’re so much alike.
“Of course you should be here. It’s your fucking room!” I shout, interrupting whatever chain of thoughts has him ready to leap to his feet. “Jesus Christ. We’re fucking perfect for each other. We’re both a mess because of the Vale.”
He observes me warily as I get up and kneel facing him.
“Listen. I don’t care. I don’t give a shit about what you’ve done or who you were before now.
I’m sure you’ve made shitty decisions and fucked up more than once.
I. DON’T. CARE!” I snap fiercely, driving it home as hard as I can.
Holding his face the way he held mine before; determined yet gentle, letting him see he’s someone precious.
“You haven’t ruined my life. My mother marrying Eric, Eric beating me senseless, growing up afraid and with nothing, being lied to, feeling responsible for everyone and everything, Barry Franz, and what’s-his-face Hanson…
these things make my life a living nightmare, but it’s still not ruined, Dax Nagano! ”
I kiss him softly.
“Only I can ruin my life. No one else carries that weight. The world could fall around me, but as long as I make the choice to get up and keep going, then nothing is ruined, even if I die trying. Do you see? I am the reason I succeed or fail. I make those choices myself. Stop carrying the weight of other people’s choices. ”
“If it weren’t for Tom…”
“I’d have walked home to another beating; I’d have had bleach poured over me for something else.
I’d have taken all of Eric’s shit to keep the kids safe, and eventually I’d have made the choice to give up and die at his hands or get clear and lose everything anyway.
” I kiss him again. “You gave me alternative choices. You gave my family their way out.” Another kiss.
“You’ve protected and cared for my needs.
” One more kiss, which he finally returns.
“You didn’t ruin my life. You saved it. We seem to keep doing that for each other, huh?
Saving each other at the strangest of times,” I admit, hinting that I remember.
How could anyone forget this man and everything he’s done?
All the times he’s made me a little less alone in my life.
Dax’s arms pull me across the small expanse separating us. The warmth of his chest is welcome against mine. “I’m sorry I ruined the moment. I upset you.”
I look over the shirtless man watching me with fear tainting his beautiful features. I shouldn’t care for him, but I do. I shouldn’t forgive him, but I probably always will. None of it matters. I’ll seize this moment for what it is—a chance at happiness.
“The only thing that I am upset about are those damned trousers. Will you take them off already?”
He snorts and stands. Tugging, they fall to the ground, already open from his initial attempt to sheath himself in a condom.
Searching the bed for the foil packets, I grab the first I see.
I hand it to him, too nervous even to consider opening it and putting it on him.
I want to be brave and sexy, but I’m not there yet.
“You sure?” he asks. I nod. I’m more than sure. Nothing is ruined until you give up on it, and I’m not giving up on us or on this moment.
He rolls the condom on with ease and skill. I watch, both to learn and because there’s something sexy about the man you’re with knowing what he’s doing.
I reach out and grip his chin. Dragging myself in and kissing him hard before running my teeth over his lower lip and pulling back. I hesitate and stare at him. It’s his turn to consent. It’s my turn to ask.
He nods.
We sink into the mattress, hands caressing, mouths tasting.
His fingers delve inside me and bring muttering prayers to my lips.
He is salt and tang of something close to aniseed.
His skin is tawny silk. His cock is hot and hard as I position him where I need him most. Fingers retreat from their worship and lift toward his mouth.
He licks first and then offers them to me.
I suck at them, only stopping to gasp as he slides his cock between my other lips and presses into my waiting heat.
It’s been a while for me, but it might as well be my first experience because this is nothing like the awkward stinging discomfort of my first time. This is slow, considerate, controlled. This is stroking, caressing, gliding thrusts that stoke the fire between us.
A fire that burns until all control is gone.
He rolls his body, fucking me deep, but I need more.
I’m already chasing the release I tasted before, and so I rock into him, meeting his thrusts with my own.
Rhythm goes to hell. Reason goes to hell.
I grab at him, holding on and trying to pull him deeper, harder.
As if I could take him entirely inside me and keep him there.
The thought is absurd and a little frightening, but the intensity between us is too.
He speeds up. Each thrust hitting so fucking deep, I can’t help but grunt and huff with each pounding hit. It’s fucking glorious, and I’m going to come.
Nonsense bubbles from my lips. He notices how close I am and slides out of me. I’m almost feral in how fast I reach for him again. He swings around behind me, big spoon to my little, and lines us up, sinking into me again. Wrapping his arms around me, he pulls me into his body.
I should feel trapped, but I don’t. I’m safe. I can fall apart knowing he’s holding all my pieces together.
So, I do.
There’s a moment where I know nothing at all and another where his thrusts become juddering bursts and he finds his own release.
Then there is only peace; Dax’s gentle fingers stroking my arms and his soft words, that I can’t quite make out, whispering at my ear.