Chapter 21
MILES
Day after day went by in a blur of work, and Miles tried to find his new normal, despite the turmoil of grief and loss.
He would have to re-open steady contact with Chelsea soon, and he knew it. He wanted it. He missed her, and there had surely been baby updates that he hadn’t heard yet. He wanted them too.
But it was difficult. The more time went by, the harder it was to bridge the gap between the two of them.
Whatever happened on the first call one of them made, it would be weighty and significant.
Not only in terms of what was said, but who placed the call.
Everything would feel momentous after so much time apart.
That’s no good reason not to do it. It’s only going to get harder.
Without meaning to, he turned his attention to the teddy bear that now sat on the corner of his desk.
Bringing that thing to work had been a mistake.
He had done it as a reminder of the fact that his father had been thinking of him, but now that it was here, it seemed to carry a different meaning.
The only thing he could think about every time he looked at Bear was Chelsea, who had spotted it in the photograph all those months ago.
It startled Miles how painful it was to think of that day. How much he ached to be back there, in that moment before everything had gone so wrong. His father had still been alive — there had still been time. And Chelsea had been by his side, their future together had been full of possibility.
But I don’t know what I was supposed to do differently, he thought miserably. I shouldn’t have spoken harshly on the day Dad died. I know that much. But she was so ready to believe me. So ready to hear that I didn’t care about our baby. She moved out and hasn’t contacted me since.
That wasn’t strictly true. There had been contact. It just hadn’t been direct. Chelsea had reached out to Trudy, and medical details were coming in that way. Miles had heard summaries of Chelsea’s last few doctor visits and knew that everything was going well. She was healthy, and so was the baby.
“But you should call her yourself,” Trudy had said, after telling him about the most recent check-up. “That’s what she wants, you know.”
“How can you know what she wants?” Miles had challenged.
“Because I know her,” Trudy had said simply. “I’ve been tending to her needs for a long time, and I understand what she wants. But more than that… sir, this is what any woman would want in this situation. If I can be forward?”
“You might as well.”
“She’s having your baby. It’s an unconventional arrangement, but it’s still a very vulnerable position for her to be in, and she wants you to take care of her. And I’m not talking about money,” Trudy had added before Miles could object. “I know you provide. She needs more than that.”
That was what Miles was pondering today, as he sat in his office and stared at Bear.
Chelsea had never been a woman who asked to be taken care of.
She had resisted when he had asked her to move into his house in the first place, and then she had left without even talking to him about it.
Wouldn’t she take it as oppressive if he insisted on following her around, trying to help her when she had been clear she didn’t need his help?
He didn’t know. He only knew that doing the wrong thing here was likely to cost him dearly. He didn’t want to pay that price.
“What do I do, Bear?” he murmured. “Does she want me to call her? But if she did, why would she have left in the first place? Why would she go unless she had realized that I’m not someone she wants in her life?”
Bear stared back at him silently. “Well, you’re no help,” Miles grumbled. “I don’t know why you’re even still here. I should send you over to Chelsea’s house, if nothing else.”
But what if Chelsea reacted badly to a gift from him?
He couldn’t write off that possibility. He might send her the bear only to have it sent back to him.
He didn’t believe she would throw it away if she didn’t want it — she was too thoughtful to do something like that, knowing how much it meant to him.
But it was certainly conceivable that she wouldn’t accept the gift.
The trouble was that things had changed between them, but they hadn’t been able to discuss or define that change.
He didn’t know yet what she expected from him.
He was going to go on paying for the baby’s needs, of course, but other than that…
did she still want him to be involved in the baby’s life, or had she decided she didn’t want that anymore?
I’m going to be involved, he thought firmly. It’s still my baby, and if my thoughtless words have made her believe I don’t feel that way, I’m going to fix it. I’m going to make sure she knows I care about her and about our kid.
The question was, how was he going to do that? With a teddy bear? It didn’t seem like nearly enough of a gesture to say everything he needed to say to her.
I’m sorry.
I was selfish.
Of course this hasn’t all been for nothing. Of course I don’t have any regrets.
I was just upset that my father wouldn’t be able to know our baby, and I lashed out…
That was the heart of the problem, of course.
There was no excuse for the way he had taken his feelings out on her, even if it had been the most painful moment of his life.
And there was every possibility she had left because she had realized he was the kind of man who would do something like that, and hadn’t considered him worthy of her time and attention any longer.
If that’s the way she feels, I’ll have to accept it — but I can’t face reaching out to her yet, knowing that I might be finding out she wants nothing more to do with me.
He had never meant to go without talking to her for this long.
But losing himself in work… it was so familiar.
So easy. It was a million times easier than trying to sort out his affairs with Chelsea.
And a part of him really did wonder whether he should have stuck to this as a way of trying to make his father proud.
Maybe it had been a mistake to have a child.
At least this was something he was good at, and when it came to family life, he seemed to do nothing but make mistakes.
The phone on his desk rang. He stared at it for the first few rings, struggling to snap out of his thoughts, and then he grabbed it. “Miles Aspin speaking.”
“Mr. Aspin, it’s Trudy.” She sounded rushed and out of breath. “Thank goodness I was able to reach you.”
“Trudy?” Miles frowned. “What’s going on?”
“I just got a call from Chelsea,” Trudy explained. “She’s gone into labor. She’s on her way to the hospital to deliver the baby.”
Miles froze. “And she… what did she say? What did she say exactly?”
“I asked her which hospital she would be at,” Trudy said. “But she didn’t want to tell me.”
“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t she tell you which hospital she was going to?”
But he didn’t need Trudy to tell him the answer to that question. He knew. His heart sank.
She doesn’t want me to come. She doesn’t want me to meet her at the hospital. She called so I would know the baby was being born — but not because she wants me with her for the birth.
He couldn’t have been more devastated if she had stuck a knife through his heart.
Trudy’s voice turned brisk. “Well, that wasn’t going to stop me,” she said firmly. I called around to find out where she was going to be.”
“How did you do that?”
“I just gave your name,” Trudy said. “Apparently, she listed you as the father on her documents when she registered, and they released the information to me. She’s at St. Thomas’s. If you want to, you can meet her there.”
“You think I should?”
“I think you’re a fool if you don’t,” Trudy said. “And you can fire me for saying that if you want to. You need to hear it.”
Miles nodded. “You did the right thing,” he assured Trudy. “By finding out where she was and by giving me a kick in the pants. You’re right. I should be there. I’m going now.”
He had a meeting with Henrik Bekken scheduled in an hour, but Bekken was just going to have to understand.
And if this meant Miles lost the man’s business, he would deal with that.
He could stand to lose Bekken. He couldn’t stand to lose Chelsea.
He just hoped it wouldn’t prove to be too late to keep her close.
“Should I call her back and tell her you’re coming?” Trudy asked.
“No.” Miles was on his feet, gathering his things as quickly as he could. “No, don’t tell her.”
“But don’t you think she’s going to want to know?” Trudy pressed him.
“Maybe, but…” He couldn’t give voice to his fear. What if the reason she hadn’t told Trudy where she was had to do with a desire that Miles not show up for the birth? What if it was more than indifference to his presence? It could be active hostility.
If I knew for a fact that she didn’t want me there, I would have to respect that.
I would have to stay away. Well, if that’s how she feels, she can tell me to my face.
I’ll let her go if it’s like that. But I have to at least try to convince her that I have a place in this day.
And to do that, I have to speak for myself — not through a member of my staff.
“I’m sure she’s not in any state to be taking phone calls,” he told Trudy. “I’ll just get over there as quickly as I can. Thank you for calling me.” He hung up and pocketed his phone.
For a brief moment, he glanced at his computer.
He really ought to send emails out to Bekken and some of his own partners.
If he was going to miss this meeting, he should try to make arrangements for someone else to handle it.
But that could end up taking too long. He might be here for half an hour if he tried to sort out the meeting, and he didn’t have that kind of time.
His assistant could handle it. He called out to Henry as he passed, but he had no time to explain.
He had to get to Chelsea — and to his child.
He hurried through the building and paused at the elevator — but the idea of waiting, even for that, was more than he could stand right now. His child was being born. The woman he loved was on her own—
The woman I love? Where did that come from?
But the word felt familiar and obvious the moment it formed in his thoughts. It was as if he had said it a thousand times.
Oh, my God. How did I get this so wrong? How could I have thought anything was more important than— than the two of them? How did I ever let them get away? I’m the biggest fool on the planet.
He had to get to the hospital as quickly as he could — to witness the birth of his child, and to beg Chelsea for her forgiveness.