51
I’m speechless; surrounded by a whirling mix of emotions.
My insides twist with a mix of . . . sympathy and sullenness.
Pleasure only hits when I'm the one delivering the blow.
When it's anyone else, it leaves me filled with unrequited rage and animosity.
All I want is to hurt each and every man who ever laid their fingers on her skin.
She's mine to destroy. Only I get to make her cry.
Even then, her tears no longer bring me the same fulfillment they once did.
Nah, instead it brings out emotions I don't like.
Self-reproachful desire. A loathsome craving I can't satiate. I'm sickened by it.
It took every ounce of my being to leave her.
She needs time to come to terms with what I've done to her, and my past.
She's been stripped of her dignity, ability to mother children, and had her past unearthed in a single day.
Not to mention finding out my depths of brutality.
My head still can't wrap around this shit.
Despite the fact I want nothing more than to remain by her side like a keeper, I reluctantly let her rest.
Hell, if only to figure my own shit out.
Putting a hoodie over my head, I stalk down the hall to locate Zain.
There's a lot to unpack and he's gotta have some idea for our next step.
I need some planning right now before I do stupid shit like pop a bullet in Mortensen's head, or better yet burn him alive.
Before I reach the final step, Vesper appears from the corner and clocks me in the nose.
I stumble back. My back slams against the banister.
“You asshole!” she shouts. She goes in for another punch, but I grab her wrist.
Zain flanks the corner from the kitchen.
He sees my hands on her. His eyes instantly darken.
“She attacked me, man! Handle it!” I growl, shoving her back and pinching my gushing nose.
She tries desperately to get another swing in, but I'm over twice her size and heavily built.
Good luck, sweetheart. I'm ready this time.
She sure can pack a hell of a punch. The Grimshaw attitude I'd guess . . .
Zain wrangles her behind him. Blood trickles down my nose, face, and palm. I wipe it along my sleeve. “Control her,” I growl. My nerves are shot. The entire world is burning around me, and all I'm capable of doing is watching it go down in flames. Overwhelmed is an understatement.
“You are a liar!” Vesper shrieks, pointing at me. “We trusted you!”
I sigh. “You haven't a clue the shit I've done to keep you alive, Vesper! Especially now knowing what I fucking know. I'm still comprehending all this shit! I haven't had a single moment to process it while handling Clara! I've done all of this for the greater good,” I fire back.
“You sterilized her! The greater good? What the hell!”
I roar over her shouts. “I did it because I had to! I need Mortensen to believe I'm following in his fucked up path! This is the only way.”
Her tears cease. She sags against Zain. Great, more for her to wrap her head around.
She wants to peg me for a cynical monster, I guess I'm not far off.
I tip my head up motioning for us to head to the kitchen.
She stalks toward the kitchen table. Zain drags a chair out and settles Vesper on his lap.
I jump up onto the countertop and swing my legs over the edge.
“Not sure where to begin,” I start off, dragging my fingers through my hair. Vesper refuses to even look at me and it kills me. I never used to give a fuck about her, and I hate myself for it. She's my half-sister. I should feel something. Maybe be a protective big brother or some shit.
I blow out a breath. “Man, this shit is a shock for me, too, ok?”
I rub my temples. I've found out I have siblings, but that's not the fucked up part.
Yeah, I fucked my sister. And while I don't judge Zain for his choices with Vesper, that sours my stomach thinking I did that to own flesh and blood.
I've never had a sense of family, but still, she was innocent.
The haunted look in her eyes is engrained within me.
When I close my eyes, she's always there.
I still haven't settled from the realization of what I've done.
Zain strokes the ends of Vesper's hair, soothing her the best way he knows how. His dead eyes fall to me as he shields her, as if I'd really hurt her. He knew the plan, this isn't news to him. His voice sounds detached and almost accusatory. “Did you not know the girl you raped was your own sister?”
I balk. I've done good at burying the memory in the back of my mind.
I still see her when I'm alone. All the alcohol in the world won't erase my past.
I'm not one to openly wear my emotions, and I sure as hell won’t start now.
It pisses me off that he looks at me like I'm a freak.
Out of all people, he should trust me. He and I have always been in sync.
Vesper refuses to look in my direction. I let my head fall back to collect myself. I snort.
Un-fucking-real. “It's fucked up you'd ask me that? You think I knew she was my sister? I was fucking thirteen, man. Mortensen took me into the Void to test me, just to see if I was ready. He made me fuck her. I wasn't given a choice.”
My voice grows louder. I dig into my pocket pulling out a pack of smokes.
I fumble the cigarette out, lighting it, and taking a heavy hit to numb the bullshit.
I try to keep my voice to a minimum knowing Clara is asleep upstairs.
My hands shake at my sides. The nightmares threaten to resurface, making me spiral into an endless need for pills and alcohol.
I've learned to deal with my shit, but even though it's over I'll always be reminded of it.
It's easier to channel this rage and hatred into pleasure. I need her.
I slam my fist against the countertop and pull the cigarette from my lips.
My body propels forward. “You have no clue the shit I've been through, man. Either of you. Yeah, I killed her inadvertently. It was for pleasure, not death. I didn't fucking know I would be the straw that broke her back.”
Vesper peeks her face out from the crook of Zain's shoulder.
“I've gotten the short end of the stick in all this shit. I covered for you Zain, when you used my gun. I've always been there for you, taking the heat for your shit,” I look over to Vesper.
“I tried to make sure you didn't see the Void. I protected Clara for you both!”
Zain shakes his head slowly. “I admit I fucked up; I did what I needed to for my girl. You have always been the tormentor of your own problems. You did the rest of this shit on your own. She was your obsession. You took it farther than you needed. You always do. Don't deny it.
You never planned to let Clara see the Void. She was your plaything and giving her up wasn't an option for you. You fixate, Kieran. You're in a constant state of chasing the next thing to fulfill that part of you.
You've never been levelheaded and now you want to destroy Mortensen because he threatened to take your new shiny plaything” This motherfucker. I lose my shit. He can fuck right off.
“You know what, fuck you. You haven't a clue the shit I've been through. How can you ask me if I willingly raped my own sister?! How can you sit here and assume his destruction is related to her. I've always loathed him. Man, you've known me for how long? I never asked for these scars!”
I lift the hem of my hoodie up, giving them an eye full of my mutilated skin.
The tattoos only hide so much. “I want to destroy him because he's a piece of shit.
Don't even spin this shit into something it isn't."
I grunt. The smoke from the cigarette hazes the room.
Fixate? Maybe, but only because it satiates my need for power. To dominate. But the asshole is right. I made the choices. Feeling something for her wasn't in the cards, it just happened. Now, for whatever stupid ass reason, I do love her. I would fucking die for her. I'd kill for her.
Zain remains annoyingly calm as he and Vesper skim over my body like I'm a freakshow.
Zain clicks his tongue. “And how much have you opened up? The hurt you carry is obvious. You're impulsive as fuck and need a good reality check,” he points out, not showing emotion.
Why fucking would he? The guy is so indifferent unless it is about Vesper.
Still, I hate when he is the voice of reason. I let my hoodie drop back down over my stomach. I take a drag of my cigarette.
“Like you've ever opened up to me about your problems?” I fire back. I jump down from the countertop and pace around the kitchen.
“No, but I think shit through,” he responds pointedly.
I say nothing but give him the double finger. What else can I fucking say? This shit is ridiculous. I just want to float on the endless stream of drugs and forget all of this shit.
I'm hanging by a thread. I feel like I'm about to crack.
“You just need to be open and honest about your feelings. I never knew he hurt you.” Vesper's little voice pipes up. Now she wants to play nice? Now she wants to give a fuck about me as a person and the shit I've gone through? Fuck her sympathy.
“Nah.” The screaming silence is so loud I can't think. I feel like this is some type of interrogation.
Vesper gets to her feet. Her little body is still trembling.
She's gotten stronger but tonight would fuck with anyone’s fragile mental state.
She finally got concrete answers on her family history, though it probably was a bomb for her.
“Kieran. I know you have the ability to understand and care. Don't let him win. Don't let him hold that power over you. You can still fix this with Clara. I can't begin to imagine—”
“Stop.”
Do I have the ability? I've never given a shit about anyone or anything . . . until Clara. I roll my tongue along my cheek. “Don't act like you know me,” I deflect. I roll my eyes with a scoff. This is beyond fixable. It doesn't mean I can't take her regardless.
Zain shoots me a warning glare. I stub out my cigarette along the counter, not giving a fuck.
My eyes skirt back over to Vesper. She sighs.
Her hands are firmly planted on her hips.
“I'm sorry I didn't trust you or the process. I'm truly sorry. Just know we're here for you. This is just as hard for me. The only man I knew as my father, isn't who I thought he was. He lied to me for years about so many things. I knew he adopted me,
but he had to have known Mortensen was my real father. Instead he fed me lies about someone named Zen.” She pauses, shaking her head.
“Are you still willing to do what needs to be done to bring Mortensen down? You have our support. We can help, I don't think Clara can take much more, Kieran. Maybe if you just tried to explain—”
“No, the plan hasn't changed. This is for me, and me alone.” I know she deserves vengeance, too. Both of them, but I need to do this.
She doubts me. She fucking doubts me, staring at me like I'm some type of damaged goods.
Wild. Explaining will get me nowhere. My Nightshade already sees me as the beast she's made me out to be.
I let out a low non-committal rumble but ultimately nod at Vesper.
I'm already a limitless sinner. What I've done would make the devil himself weep.
My Nightshade can hang on a little longer.
He's let his darkest impulses steer him to insanity.
I scream loudly into the black pillowcase beneath me.
He fed me lies about his father, when I've always just been a pawn in his ascension to power.
The flicker of lightning from the window snaps across my closed eyelids.
With the last bit of energy I can muster, I crawl from the bed to the floor.
I sink onto the hardwood, my shirt rides up against the edge of the bed, exposing my marred skin.
I stare down at the name etched in my skin, branded like cattle.
Kieran's name is now mostly healed, but no less painful.
Flecks of scabs are all that is left of his depravity.
Branded.
Used.
Owned.
I'm dripping in misery, unable to bring myself out of my disparities.
The broken part of me doesn't want to. The will to live eludes me.
His words cut me deeper than anything ever could.
I crawl on shaky hands along the dusty hardwood floor.
Pills and empty bottles are littered along the floor from his outburst.
I scoop up a few unknown pills and pop them in my mouth, swallowing them dry.
They scrape down the back of my throat like razorblades.
My body sags against the floor, depleted of all energy.
The painful throb between my legs refuses to relent.
It's as if cut glass digs into my insides, twisting like a blade.
Soon enough the darkness will take hold, and I can finally find peace.
I crawl toward the other side of the bed and prop myself against the mattress in silence.
I rest my head along the wooden post letting the last bit of memories consume me.
The flashbacks of my mother’s soothing voice when I was younger fill my soul.
A time when I was still innocent and the world was a place of wonder and not disparity.
The moment when I set myself up for success at Grimshaw, just to find out I was never accepted due to my own achievements, but instead for my body.
It's been the only thing people desire from me.
They covet me like a treasure just to use me for their own selfish gain.
Teardrops seep into my skin. I let the memories drift to Kieran.
His sinful crystalline gaze and devious smirk.
The plains of endless muscles along the ridges of his skin.
I let my eyes fall shut and the wave of euphoria wash over me like a blanket.