52
Each step up the stairs hardens my interior.
My mind is a battleground. Clara floats around my insides like barbed wire, entwining with the thoughts as if she belongs there.
Hell, maybe she does. Something lies underneath the surface, ready to draw out the beast.
I push open the bedroom door to be met with darkness.
I flip the light switch on. My eyes drag over to my empty bed in the corner.
The inky sheets are piled up at the foot of the bed.
Clara is nowhere to be found. Panic instantly sets in.
Frantically I scan the room looking for her.
That's when I spy her lifeless body slumped against the other side of the bed in a crumpled mess.
I haul ass across the room. Her body is pale, void of any sense of life.
Dread washes over me. The room spins into an endless vortex, dragging me down.
I drop to the ground on my knees stricken with grief.
Her hand is cold. A faint pulse registers along her wrist.
I shake her as if that'll bring her out of her stupor. I know good and well it won't. I've seen my fair share of overdoses.
“Sweetheart, what did you do?” My voice doesn't sound like my own.
“FUCK!” I double over, ripping at my hair until the follicles detach.
Choked sobs fall from my throat. This can't be real.
Her lifeless form falls against my chest.
I pull her tighter against my sternum, cradling her head and stroking her mane.
My body rocks back and forth with her in my lap like a maniac.
I . . . can't . . . fucking . . . lose .
. . her. I can't move. I can't fucking speak.
Her hair spills over her pretty face, sending a shockwave through my system.
It's Isolde all over again. It was my fault. I destroyed her, shattering her resolve until she couldn't handle being on this planet anymore. For the first fucking time in my life, tears surface in my eye sockets. Saliva pool along my lips.
“Zain.” The words hardly leave my throat, choking me in an asphyxiating grasp. I rock harder.
“ZAIN!” My voice grows louder and more insistent.
The world moves around me in slow motion.
My heart beats out of my chest. It feels as if the ground beneath my feet will open and swallow her whole, ripping her away from me.
Never have I needed something as much as I need her.
Call it selfish or self-medicating myself with her presence, but I need her.
I cling tighter, slumping down alongside her, letting my body plummet to the hard floor.
She cannot leave me. I'll never let her go.
Even in death, she will be mine. Zain and Vesper appear in the doorway, but I am unable to form a Goddamn sentence.
Air is stolen from my lungs. My brain is fucked.
Their eyes fall to her limp body. Zain instantly pales.
“You did this! You fucking did this, Kieran! You pushed her to the point of no return! I told you how fragile she was! What—” her choked cries muffle into Zain's shoulder as he reels her into his arms.
He's always been the levelheaded one. I’m so fucked.
Right now, I can't move my limbs. Her skin grows cold along my cheek.
“Listen baby, I'm gonna need you to call Roland.” Zain directs Vesper calmly. How. I don't fucking know. I won't leave her like this. His stagnant eyes remain steady on me.
My hand skims over her pulse point. Her faint heartbeat thumps against her pale wrist.
My vision blurs. For the first moment of my life, I think I've found exactly what the hell I need to function.
She is my missing puzzle piece. Our shattered halves create one fucked up jagged, cracked whole.
It isn't perfect. Shit, we are far from it, but it's us.
She doesn't realize how we fit, but I'm going to show her once I save her from grace. If I still can . . .
At some point Vesper leaves. Not a clue how long she's gone. Time just fucking stops. I cling to her body, refusing to leave her alone for a single solitary second. Zain appears above me. He extends a hand out and I swat him away. He can't touch her. No one touches her. No one!
“Kieran. You're not thinkin’ straight. She needs help, man. More help than you can give her. Sometimes no one knows the shit others are goin’ through—” he pulls back, taking a step backward at my dead-eyed stare. I'm no longer myself.
I didn't know. No one fucking knew. How could I?
My focus has always been to fill my void, breaking everything down around me, welding it like a power to make it through each day of this fucked up world.
To appease the beast within me and piss off Mortensen.
I was too busy dragging her down to my hell and soaking in her misery, reaping the fucked up benefits of her demise like a sadistic leech.
“No! Fuck you, man. I won't lose her.” I snap. This isn't me. This feeling overtakes me like a shock to my system. I don't understand it, but I refuse to let anyone near her.
His brows form a tight line. He approaches again.
I snarl like an untamed maniac. “You're losing it.
Calm down. You gotta keep it together. We can fix it, but only if you let us help her.
You're runnin' out of time." He knows I'm unstable right now.
If he lays a finger on her, I'll rip his Goddamn arm off.
My entire body is fueled by adrenaline, shaking uncontrollably.
Car doors slam in the distance. I shake my head, gripping her.
Her pouty lips turn a translucent shade of blue.
Zain shuffles backward. Pounding from downstairs rings in my ears.
Zain bows his head and closes his eyes. He backs against the wall.
“I'm sorry, Kieran.” he says. No remorse.
Nothin’. An ear-shattering crack of a door being knocked off its hinges follows the incessant rhythmic hammering.
Marching steps and a sea of voices ascending the stairs, but it doesn't register with me.
My entire being is focused on her. A moment later Vesper's somber voice fills the hallway.
Multiple men file in the doorway, surrounding us.
Zain's father, Roland, enters behind them, stepping across the threshold.
His eyes fall to the riven beauty in my arms.
Zain turns away, unable to spare me a second glance, leaving me to fend for myself.
It's always me left to pick up the pieces.
Fuck him. Multiple bodies swarm me, ripping her from my arms.
I flail wildly, struggling against their iron hold.
Two men take her body on a stretcher, leaving me in ruin.
The remainder of men, four to be exact, haul me away kicking and screaming until the flesh on my arms and back are oozing blood through the threads of my clothes.
I've never fought so hard in my whole damn life. I can't focus. Multiple voices try to reason with me, but I tune them out. I don't want their help. I watch helplessly, unable to gain control as they take her from me. I slip into a wild unhinged delirium. My stability is gone.
“Get the fuck off me!” I shout, kneeing one guy in the stomach.
Violence is calling. I'll burn down the world just to get to her.
I headbutt another guy, making blood splatter from his nose.
Multiple hands yank my arms behind my back, cuffing my wrist so tight I feel it grating into my skin.
I welcome the pain. Muscle memory takes over from my childhood, and I allow it to dig deeper into my flesh like a sinister reminder of my fucked up life.
Anything to feel something other than this aching stab in my chest.
Zain's voice resonates through the commotion. “Kieran. Roland is going to help her. You gotta stop. Knock this shit off. It isn't helping anyone.” His words fall on deaf ears. I can't listen to anything other than the beast inside. He grows restless. I don't trust anyone with her life.
I let out a harrowing roar. I'm slammed on the floor.
Bodies straddle me. Sweat soaks my shirt.
A guy to my peripheral uncaps a needle. I look to Zain to stop this shit.
The fucker walks toward the doorway, leaving me to fend for myself.
Nothing new. He just shakes his head, threading his fingers through his scraggly hair like I've lost my shit. Hell, maybe I have.
Stability has never been my strong suit.
The veins in my arms bulge and my loose curls cling to my sweat soaked forehead.
I resist. I groan as the needle pierces into my bicep muscle.
The pinch makes me let out a fiery howl, lighting me up further.
Vesper’s blurry form fills the doorway. She sobs quietly in her hands.
My skin tingles and my veins sting as the medicine travels through my system.
I'm hauled to my feet. My legs refuse to work, rendering me motionless.
It takes five guys to hold my big ass up. My head grows heavy.
I use the last of my energy to meet Vesper’s form in the doorway. “I love you, Kieran. I'm so sorry, my dear brother. I—” Her words fade out into nothing and everything turns dark.
Water fills my lungs. I'm drowning. I open my mouth to scream, but nothing comes out, nothing but silence.
My throat burns. An ache deep in my bones has me weak.
I force my eyes open. Blurry colors paint my vision.
I slip into a catatonic state, unable to move my limbs.
Regret fills my head fueling my destructive nature.
Images of what I want to do Mortensen burn into my cerebral cortex.
“Kieran.”
I blink a few times. Faint noises register in the background. I flex my hands just to be met with resistance. Metal cuts into the flesh of my wrist.
“Kieran. Settle.” A soft voice hums beside me. The blood in my veins burns under my skin. It's not her. Not my Nightshade.
My heart rate picks up. Sterile bright white lights blind me.
My eyes regain focus. Vesper is seated next to me.
I jolt forward; the blankets drop to my lap.
I’m shaking. She steadies me with a hand to the chest.
My bare scarred chest. Her eyes skate over my mutilated flesh before scanning back up to my face.
“Slowly. We had to drug you. You had a panic episode. I'm sorry, this is for your safety.”
Her voice softens, but all I feel is rage.
Faint steady beeping in the background draws my attention.
Clara lays across from me blanketed in a hospital bed.
I try to jump forward, just to be held back.
I fight the cuffs that secure me to the bedrail like they're holding me hostage.
“Undo this shit!” I shout at her. Madness clings to my molecules, changing me.
I've fought too hard to get this far, to be brought to ruin by one person.