Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Liam,” Katherine murmured, tightening her arms around his neck one last time before she let them fall away.
She had felt the shift. His kisses were raw and ruthless, meant to frighten her. She couldn’t be, though. Not when she could practically taste his hurt. There was something he was hiding, something that pained him so much he felt the need to lash out like an injured animal.
I think I’m startin’ to understand.
“I cannae understand everythin’ that is goin’ on in yer mind,” she said, her voice impossibly soft.
It felt almost as if she were walking through a minefield, that one wrong move would blow them both to bits.
“But I ken hardship.” She swallowed hard.
“I ken what life can do to a person. Ye can speak to me.”
“Ye daenae ken anythin’,” Liam said, whatever was troubling him outweighing the anger of her insistence. “Ye keep insistin’ that ye do, but ye have nae idea what I am dealin’ with.”
“Nay,” she admitted quietly, shivering when he withdrew his touch. She wanted it back desperately, but more than anything, she wanted to help him. “I daenae ken anythin’, but I want to learn. I daenae wish for ye to carry this on yer own.”
“Me first wife…” he started, his voice strained as though even speaking about the event was physically painful.
It was such a sudden change from the energy that had charged the air just seconds before.
The words spilled forth as if they couldn’t bear to be held inside any longer. “Agnes’ mother died durin’ childbirth.”
Though Katherine already knew, she nodded anyway, sensing there was so much more beneath the surface. She grabbed his hand, holding tight to him. To her surprise, he didn’t pull away.
“It was me fault. If I wasnae intimate with her, if she hadnae fallen pregnant, she wouldnae have died. And that’s why I daenae wish to touch another woman. I daenae want to be the reason that death befalls ye. Another child, me own desire, it is nae worth riskin’ yer life,” he finished.
“Liam…” she whispered, searching for something that could lessen the guilt he felt.
“Ye willnae change me mind,” he said, the words coming out sharp. It was a desperate grasp to reinstate his control. He’d given too much. “Me own mother was taken from me when she birthed me stillborn brother. I ken enough to ken that lyin’ with a woman brings her much more harm than good.”
Katherine stared up at him. Her mouth stayed firmly closed, her eyes wide with surprise. He tracked the way her throat worked as she swallowed harshly with a predator’s gaze.
Then, she squeaked out, “That is why ye’re so protective of Agnes, isnae it? Why ye willnae let her go to the sea?”
“Ye wish to ken why I willnae allow ye or Agnes to visit the sea?” he demanded wildly, his eyes meeting hers. “It is because me father started a war with a clan of pirates, and four years before Agnes was born, they returned stronger.”
He paused, running a hand through his hair and making a frustrated noise. She wanted to reach for it, to hold it, and try to calm him. Instead, she tightened her grip on the hand she was still holding.
“They attacked when we were still reelin’ from the loss of Agnes’s mother,” he continued, a flash of self-loathing going across his face.
His posture tightened. “They took Agnes. Me fool of a father killed the Pirate Laird’s sister before he lost the battle.
They wanted to hurt Clan MacDougal as badly as he’d hurt them. ”
“But ye got her back,” Katherine said quietly. “She is here now. She is thrivin’.”
“We did,” Liam muttered, though he sounded displeased. “We managed to kill the man who took me daughter, but the Pirate Laird and the rest of his clan fled to the sea. They vanished, almost as if they never existed, but I ken they’re out there. Either still at sea or well-hidden on the land.”
Katherine’s brow furrowed. Tilting her head to the side, she murmured, “What do ye mean? That they might be nearby?”
He ground his teeth together, his gaze becoming unfocused as he shifted his attention to the window behind her. “I daenae ken when they will return. I havenae found them yet.”
“Perhaps they are gone,” Katherine said, knowing that the consolation wouldn’t please him. She simply didn’t know what else to say.
“Nay, they arenae. I would ken if they were eliminated,” he said, finally pulling his hand away from her.
He took a step away, going around her to look out over the rolling hills.
“I must protect Agnes from them. They arenae tryin’ to fight a war.
They want retribution for the life me father took.
Ye are in danger, too. From them. From me. ”
She took a few steps toward him but forced herself to stop. His entire body was a raw nerve. He didn’t need her touch, no matter how badly she wanted to give it.
For a few more moments, the two stood in relative silence. Liam seemed to be searching for the very enemies he had just disclosed. Katherine wished more than anything that she had the words to assure him that none of what had happened was his fault.
He had inherited someone else’s battles. He was paying the price for that every single day. There was no reason for him to continue to punish himself for things that were beyond his control.
“I cannae seem to control meself around ye,” he said finally, turning around to look at her, guilt seeming to stick to him like the sticky summer air.
“Ye must stay away from me. And I will leave. I must find the pirates and investigate a group of bandits. I will find both of them, and I will protect ye all. Nay matter the cost.”
His words, his honesty, and his restraint moved her. She couldn’t imagine shouldering this kind of pain alone, but the declaration landed like a blow to Katherine’s chest. He couldn’t leave again.
* * *
Liam watched as Katherine’s face fell. Ever since he’d met her, he’d wanted to shield her from his past. And now, seeing the way that she deflated with the weight of the knowledge, he wondered if he’d made a mistake.
“If ye let me, Liam, I will fight by yer side.”
She sounded so sure of herself that he almost believed that the two of them could make things right.
His hands tightened into fists at his sides. He still wanted to reach out, to touch her. He’d already done too much damage this evening, though. Reaching out for her once more and then pulling away again would do nothing but hurt her even worse, transferring the pain of his wounds onto her.
“Nay,” he said, hating that the single word still seemed to hurt her. “I willnae put ye in any more danger than ye’re already in just by bein’ wed to me. Ye will stay here. Ye must care for Agnes. She needs ye.”
“She needs ye, too,” Katherine said softly. She took a step forward, and he had to force himself to stay in place. “Ye cannae just run away from her. Even if ye are doin’ it for her safety, what is the point if ye’re nae here to see her well?”
“Ye speak as if it is simple,” Liam said, too exhausted for anger.
He wasn’t exactly resigned, but he didn’t think it was worth arguing any longer. She was stubborn, and she would likely keep pressing all night if he let her. And, if he let this keep going, he might give in to her once more.
“Everythin’ sounds simple when ye say it,” Katherine said, crossing her arms over her chest. It seemed that she was holding herself back now, too. “I ken it isnae that simple, but ye are a smart man. I ken ye’re capable of findin’ a solution. And if ye let me, I will help ye.”
Her expression was so open, so genuine. Those brilliant eyes that he’d begun searching for around every corner bore into him. It felt nearly impossible to deny her, almost like cutting off a limb. He had to turn away and return his attention to the inky darkness just beyond the window.
The moonlight cast a ghostly glow over the land, allowing him to see the shapes of the trees as if they were spectral. He thought that this was what awaited everyone who trusted him. He couldn’t guarantee their safety, no matter how hard he tried or how well-meaning he was.
Finally, he spoke again. His voice was low and even as he said, “Ye need to stay here, Katherine. This is where ye’re safest and where ye can do the most good. I must leave. I must stop any attacks before they happen.”
“Liam, ye daenae?—”
“I am the Laird,” he said, cutting her off.
He rested his hands on the windowsill, holding on so tight that his knuckles turned white.
“It is me job to make decisions for me clan. Some of those decisions mean that I will have to be away. The guards are well-trained to defend our position. But I ken I cannae trust scouts nor reports from our allies to clean up the mess that me father created.”
Her footsteps began to retreat. Each one was careful, the sound dull as though she were trying to keep herself quiet.
She repeated, “If ye would let me help ye, I would. If ye would let anyone in the castle assist ye in carryin’ the burdens that ye seem to think belong to ye, ye would be a more effective leader. ”
Though he knew she was right, he couldn’t bring himself to admit it.
And it didn’t matter if sharing the burden would help; it was his alone to carry.
His duty was to protect his people, including the guards and Cillian.
Offloading his worries onto them would only make it harder for them to do their essential duties.
When Katherine realized she wouldn’t get an answer, she turned around.
He listened to the quiet swish of her nightgown against the floor as she put the distance he’d been demanding between them.
It wasn’t until the door to his chambers had opened and then closed again that he let out the breath he’d been holding.
“I am damned nay matter what I do,” he said, looking up at the nearly full moon. “If I leave, I will crush her. I will upset Agnes. But if I stay, I leave us open for attacks. Surely, they are better off alive than pleased I am around.”
Yet, even as he spoke, trying to will the words to be true just by allowing them out of his head, he was unsure of their truth.
Was there a point in endlessly protecting his clan if he was never around? He wasn’t sure if he would be able to find a balance.