Chapter 22 Memories
Memories
Jas
Aaryn died a week ago. He’s been gone for seven days. How has this much time passed by already?
I stare at the pile of clothes sitting next to Aaryn’s sink. The sleeve of my sweater covers his razor. His electric toothbrush beside it.
After Dominik noticed I was on the brink of burnout during his visit, he put Seren down for a nap. I sobbed in his arms until I fell asleep, waking up about an hour later in my bed to the sounds of his laughter and Seren’s giggles down the hall.
Now he’s drawn me a bath and reassured me he will handle Seren. To take as long as I need. I’m sure there is a hidden message in there somewhere.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes every day since...I probably smell like sweat and food stains from Seren. I don’t know how Dominik could wrap his arms around me to hug me. His wolf is probably repulsed by the scent.
I eat when my stomach grumbles, use the bathroom when needed, and make sure my daughter is well taken care of. I can’t find the strength to give a damn about myself right now.
I’m keeping our routine.
I smile when she laughs and babbles. I smile when her little voice says, “Da Da.” Her eyes look around. But the smile trembles into a frown, and the tears fall.
She may not understand death, but she knows he is not here; she doesn’t understand why.
We both cry, and I tell her stories of her father, smiling at her, wiping both our falling tears. I have to stay strong for her. I don’t want her to see me hurting.
The heartbreak makes me feel like I’m dying from the inside out. But she needs me. I can’t abandon her. She’s all I have. I know she needs me—needs me to be my best self—but I’m broken, and I don’t know how to piece myself back together.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. The reflection of a widow.
A twenty-three-year-old hot fucking mess.
A broken spirit. My chest—it’s heavy and aches with grief.
It’s almost unbearable. Like I’m walking with the weight of chains connected to my ribs, and I’m dragging them with me, with every small step I take.
I walk closer to the counter, grabbing the toothbrush. Would Aaryn laugh right now, or would he be crying with me? My hair is badly tangled. My eyes are red, and the exhaustion on my face is frightening.
The toothbrush slows in my hand as I lean closer to the mirror, studying the stranger who stares back.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I finish brushing and give myself a good floss and a few rinses of mouthwash. I didn’t know it could get to this point. If I let myself melt away, who is going to take care of our little girl?
My clothes drop to the floor as I turn toward the waiting bath. Steam rises above the fragrant bubbles—the scent instantly transports me to the café. It was our happy place. The blend of warm vanilla sugar is always dancing with fresh roasted coffee beans.
My fingers trace the elegant, waxed paper on the jar I notice on the side table near the tub: Sira’s Luxury Bath Salts - Cappuccino & Dessert. I take in the luscious scent tangled with eucalyptus, fresh sprigs stand in a vase, and flickering candles beside it. A few tears escape.
“Thank you,” I whisper to no one but myself.
Finally, I step into bliss. The heavenly aroma and hot water feel good. The water envelops my body as I sink beneath, holding my breath for a few moments before coming up for air. My body is warming up, but inside, I’m cold. I can feel it in my bones.
When Aaryn took his final breath, I crawled into the bed with him. He was gone. Just an empty shell was left behind. His heart was no longer beating. I couldn’t hear his voice or his laugh. But he was still warm, and I clung to that. I stayed there until his hand finally went cold in mine.
How can someone I once shared my life with be gone? Someone I met on a rainy spring day and fell in love with at a honeybee stand.
Sobs wrack through me as I tighten the hug on my knees. I let myself cry until the water turns cold and I gain the strength to scrub it all away.
“How was your bath?” Dominik asks, handing me a mug of chamomile tea.
“It was lovely, much needed,” I say, accepting the mug, “thank you. You didn't have to do that.” I take a sip, savoring the honey on my tongue. Actually, he really had to. Another week may have gone by, and it wouldn’t be good. “But I am glad you did.”
Seren sits surrounded by a small moat of colorful floor pillows.
She sits, playing with toys, and waddles around in her little body suit.
The ruffled edge of her green cloth diaper is peeking out.
I don’t want the TV on or music. Only the sound of the rain and baby giggles.
It’s soothing and provides a small bit of happiness in the dark hole I’m trapped in.
Dominik takes a seat on the couch, arms resting on his knees. His hands tighten around his mug. He looks tired. His eyes are red from crying. His face is usually clean-shaven, but it appears he’s keeping the beard.
“I know you need some time to yourself, Jasmira, but you can’t live like this.”
I chuckle. It ends in a small snort before I shrug it off. “I’m eating and staying hydrated. I am taking care of Seren. The house is a bit of a mess, but it’s whatever.”
“You need to rest, Jasmira. You need a break. I came to help you with that. I’ll be here as often as I can.
If you need me to…” He clears his throat.
“I can take care of Seren for the rest of the day. Hell, overnight if you need it. I bought a crib for her—it converts into a toddler bed. In case you said yes. So you know she is safe.”
My heart aches. I shake my head.
He sets his mug down and rubs his thighs with his hands. “How about a few hours at first. Let’s start small. If Elowen and Lorien can’t help, I can. You can go for a walk or take a nap. Do something for you.”
My fingers tap on the mug, echoing the rhythm of my spiraling thoughts. I do need sleep. It’s been hard to get Seren to sleep lately with Aaryn gone.
“Are you sure?” I ask, taking another drink, swallowing hard. I study him. He lost someone, too. “You need time to yourself.”
“I know,” he sighs, hands rubbing over his rugged beard.
“I have that luxury, but you need help. I’m not the one with a small child.
Please, let me help you with whatever you’re comfortable with.
I can stay here or take her to my house.
Come by whenever you want to get her. I’m going to give you an extra key. ”
He lifts off the couch a bit, reaching into his back pocket, and sets the key on the coffee table.
I stare at it. “Only for a few hours?” I ask, cupping the mug in both hands.
“However long you need.”
The water of the bath runs off my fingertips, the remnants of the memory fading away from me, dissolving like the crystals of the bath salts. I pour a scoop from the new jar Dominik gave me. Notes of vanilla and coffee beans rise with the steam between the bubbles, transporting me to the café.
Thank the Goddess for Blythe. Her spring break timing couldn’t be better. She opened today with no issues and said she can handle tomorrow if I’m still unwell. The way her eyes light up when we work together tells me she’s found a home there. I know, in her hands, the café will be good.
I leave my clothes in a puddle at my feet, turn the water off, and ease my body into the hot water. A few tendrils of my curls stick to the bubbles.
The water lulls me in, begging my eyes to close. The pain has faded drastically. His wolf is no longer crawling under my skin. He’s settled within me, trying to get comfortable, making me—his mate. He’s pacing back and forth in my head. Waiting.
I remember the way he watched me at the bar. In the parking lot with Elliot, when he saw another man touching me. I watched him use all the self-control he had not to rip limb from limb.
Our shared history binds us together. When I needed someone, he was there. For me. For us. This bond that stretches between us transcends mere friendship.
This is lust. Hunger. It’s telling us we are more than friends—lovers. Our souls belong together.
It is beyond our control, which scares me to my core. I don’t understand it. I’m afraid to understand it, afraid to accept it.
The light vibration on the small side table grabs my attention. It’s a text message alert from Dominik.
Dom: I hope you’re feeling better. I know you wanted to be here with Seren today. She’s having a great time. I’ll bring donuts over this weekend.
He sends a selfie of the two of them. Both of them are grinning and holding half-eaten sprinkle donuts.
I smile and laugh at their silliness. I cry because he’s there with her.
But they are tears of joy. I was going to be at Dads and Donuts.
I didn’t want her to be alone, and I was going to ask Dom to come…
if he wanted. He’s always showing his love to everyone.
Actions scream louder than the words that he whispers.
I don’t know what’s going to happen between us.
I don’t know what the future holds or the cards fate has dealt, but I know Dominik.
I know how he is. I know what he stands for.
He is a man of integrity. A protector. And the way he looks at me now.
The way he gently touches me, like he’s afraid I’m something that breaks.
I quickly send a text and set my phone down outside the tub on the bathmat. My pulse spikes as I scrub the achy muscles and feelings away in my chest.
Me: Thank you. For everything.