27. You Really Think I’m Hot
YOU REALLY THINK I’M HOT
Do I Wanna Know? (Live At The BBC) by Hozier
Natalie
“So who watches your girls when you’re working?
” Holden asks from the opposite side of the room as he slides a book onto the shelf.
He’s been here most of the day, helping in many ways.
He’s been answering questions, restocking shelves, and even reading to kids.
It’s adorable to watch, and my heart has been skipping a beat every time I see how comfortable he is around here.
Saturdays—well, weekends in general—are busy. On Saturdays, I often take a half-day off since Ellie has started working, but with her kiddo sick, it's all on me.
“It depends, but today, they’re with my friends. You met them that one time.”
“Curly hair and the pregnant one? Or the one who takes Iz— um, Bella to practice?”
“You can call her Izzy if you want. It’s weird, but I’ll get used to it, and that’s Roe. But no, you were right. She’s with Allie, curly hair, and Cara, pregnant one.” I giggle at his descriptors. Very manlike.
“You’ve known them for a while? Also, is this the right place for this book?” He shows me a romance novel he’s trying to slide into the thriller area.
I shake my head. “No, that’s a romance. It goes over there.” I point to the right shelf. “And yes. All my life, practically. I met Cara in kindergarten and Allie in high school. They moved away for a while, but they’ve been back for around four years now, and we’re closer than ever.”
“It's good that you have framily.”
“Framily?"
“Yeah.” He steps down from the ladder. “Friends that become family.”
That’s the truth about who my friends are and how we love each other. It truly feels like the family we chose.
“Yeah, I guess so. Do you have a framily too?”
He laughs, taking a seat on the couch now that he’s done helping me restock the shelves. “I do. They’re obnoxious as shit, but I wouldn’t change it or trade them for anything.”
“Isn’t that how it always goes?”
“Yup.”
“What are their thoughts about your dad?”
Me and my damn mouth. I had to go and ruin this moment, especially judging by how he’s looking at me. Eyes wide, eyebrows all the way up, I can see them over his glasses as his jaw drops.
“You know what? You don’t have to answer that.”
He shakes his head. “No, no, that’s a fair question.”
“You don’t owe me an answer, though.”
He considers me, tilting his head and rubbing his chin. “C’mere.” He double-taps the spot next to him on the couch. It’s ten minutes to closing, so I can relax and sit by him, but not until I flip the sign to ‘closed’ to give us some privacy.
“Natalie…”
“Holden.” I smile.
“It was a date, yeah?”
So he is changing the topic. Got it.
Perfect, actually. Did it have to be this, though? I knew we had to talk about it, that the moment would come, but I was hoping we could ignore it for a while longer, because what was I thinking?
Oh I know. I was thinking about how much I like him and how much I do like to spend time with him. But is that enough? He’s him, and I’m, well…me.
“Beauty?” he asks, pulling a smile from me. The corniest nickname, but I love it.
“Yes.” I clear my throat. “It was a date.”
“Which means we’re dating, yeah?”
“That’s how it usually goes, yes.” Or I think? I don’t know. It’s been so long. I don’t know how this works. Not really.
“And when you date someone, you are intending to get to know them, right?”
I nod, bouncing his words around in my brain. Then, it clicks what he’s doing. He can tell I figured it out, too, with his big, bright smile that can illuminate the whole room.
“So I might not owe you an answer, but you have the right to know. I want to know you, and I want you to feel comfortable asking questions and getting to know me. At some point, I would like for you to meet them.”
I open my mouth to say I’m not ready, that my life is so chaotic and there’s so much at stake, and meeting friends and family feels like a big step, and I don't know if I can do big steps right now, but he continues, as if he can read the hesitation in my eyes.
“Not now nor tomorrow. I know this is new.” He smiles. “You can ask me to be patient, Beauty. I won’t run away.”
I nod, tugging my bottom lip between my teeth. He reaches over and pulls it free, getting impossibly close to me, and his woody, musky scent caresses my cheeks.
“Ask me.”
“What?” I whisper.
“Whatever you want, really, but ask me to be patient.” He’s so close, and he’s clouding all my thoughts, because all I can think about is the way his lips felt on mine the other day. All I can think about is how I want him more than anything, but—
“We can take this at your pace,” he interrupts my spiral.
“I can’t ask you to do that. You’re young and hot and kind and smart and funny, and I, well, I’m a mom of two, a widow running a business, and my house… It’s a big mess here, and you, I think you deserve easy and fun and young and hot, and I’m not any of those things.”
“I’m thirty-six,” he mentions nonchalantly. “I’m pretty sure you’re younger than me, right?”
“Right, but—”
“And you are fun. Remember the whole dancing thing? I also enjoy spending time with you, which is fun in my eyes. And your girls? I adore Izzy—well, Bella. We need to come up with an agreement on what she wants to be called.”
“Izzy or Bella is fine for me. We can ask her.”
“And I’m sure Vero is amazing too, because you’re the one raising her. I really liked it when she called me Holen.”
“Holden.”
“No, no, let me finish. So that takes care of young and fun… What was the other one? Oh, hot? Natalie…” He lets his words kiss my brain before continuing, wrapping my entire self in an armless hug.
“I think you’re the most beautiful, sexy woman I’ve ever met.
I-I don’t date, never have, actually, never felt the need to, but with you, it’s been the only thing I can think about.
All I want is to get to know you better, to kiss you all the time, to hear your thoughts, to be near you. ”
I suck in a breath, and he smiles, his whiskey gems dropping to my lips.
“I’ve never wanted to fall in love with someone, but I know I can fall in love with you. Let me.”
I can’t take my eyes away from him, bouncing between his eyes, his lips, his throat. I want nothing more than to let him do whatever he wants. I want nothing more than to give this a try, but I…I don’t know, I just—
“Natalie.”
“Mm?” He’s closer, so much closer. We’re breathing the same air, our lips practically touching. I want to get lost in him in a way I’ve never thought of in so long. How do I tell him all this without spooking him?
“I’m going to kiss you.” The Earth stops spinning, and all that is left is his silky voice.
“I’m going to kiss you slowly and softly.
” His fingers graze my face, slowly crawling until they press against the back of my head.
“I’m going to kiss you until your lips become second nature to mine and my tongue memorizes every line and every curve.
” His thumb traces my lower lip, pulling it from between my teeth, as I suck in a breath.
“I want to take my time with every piece of you you’re willing to give me. ”
“Holden, I—”
His eyes lift from my lips to mine. “I can see the fear in your eyes. I know you said it wasn’t me; it was just in general that you didn’t know, right?”
I nod.
“Okay, then let’s figure this out. I’m not asking you to run. I’m asking for baby steps. Is that doable for you? Can you walk with me?”
I let out a breath, in between a sigh and a laugh. “Yes,” I finally whisper.
He closes the space between us, doing exactly what he said he would.
Slowly, he slides his lips against mine, his tongue playfully roaming my lower lip, caressing what it touches, pulling another sigh from me.
His hands hold my face, carefully, tenderly, and I do the same, blindly finding his neck, grazing my fingers along his hairline, pulling his hair gently.
A hand roams down my arm, leaving goosebumps in its wake, and grabs my leg, draping it over his so he can get closer. It’s sexy and intimate but still respects my boundaries, and suddenly, I don’t remember why I set up boundaries in the first place.
I open my mouth, allowing his skilled tongue entrance. With one swipe, he pulls a small moan from my lips, and he groans.
I’m in so much trouble. I know I am. Especially when he sucks my bottom lip between his and then ends the kiss with a quick peck.
He holds my face between his hands, letting us both be in this moment, surrounded by the music echoing in the background and our heavy breaths between us.
“Baby steps, beautiful. Baby steps,” he whispers.
I pout, and he smiles, dropping his forehead to mine.
“You set the pace, but I don’t want you regretting anything. Okay?”
An exhale leaves my lips, touching his. “I don’t want you regretting anything.”
“I won’t. Trust me.”
I shake my head in defeat, sinking into my spot on the couch. I let the time between us pass. I have to go home soon, but I don’t want to break this bubble we found ourselves in.
“And to answer your question about earlier. They don’t know about the whole dad ordeal. I…they still think he died all those years ago. They’re all going through a lot, and they don’t need my issues on top of that.”
“You called them your framily, though, right?”
“I know, I know. They deserve to know. I should tell them.”
“How’s that going, by the way?”
“It’s going. There’s a lot of healing to do on both our parts, I think. I didn’t go see him yesterday, but I will on Monday. I might even go tomorrow. I just…I don’t know. It’s hard.”
“Take your time. Baby steps.” I use his own words against him. He’s done with the topic, I can tell, so I don’t press.
A smirk dawns on his face. “Now I do have a question for you.”
“Sure.”
“You really think I’m hot?”