28. Admission Number Three
ADMISSION NUMBER THREE
Home by Phillip Phillips
Holden
“Someone’s in a good mood today,” Daisy mentions from the beige couch in my living room. My friends, all of them, decided to have brunch at my place without letting me know. Aspen was the mastermind behind it, and everyone else followed along.
“It’s almost like I knew you would be,” Aspen says, throwing a grape into his mouth. “Who knew all he needed was a girlfriend to cure his grumpiness?”
“I can be in a good mood and still murder you, Aspen.”
“I can be in a good mood and still murder you, Aspen,” he mocks, popping another grape into his mouth and draping his arm around Julia. “Julia, darling, do you think he’ll ever lighten up?”
Julia side-eyes him and snakes away from his hold. “Don’t touch me, West.”
“So maybe none of you are in a good mood, and I just seem to see the bright side of things.”
Julia grunts, the rest of my friends laugh, and I shake my head. Chili’s lying on Oliver’s lap while he pets her, and the kids are outside, causing a riot while Liam, Lucas, and his new girlfriend watch them. Baby Calla is in my arms, as calm as she can be.
“The baby suits you,” Daisy adds, smiling softly.
“Is she always this chill?”
“Except at ten at night, when she acts like the world is going to end if she’s not being held,” Daisy says.
Mateo shakes his head. “She’s not as chill in the middle of the night either.”
“What? She sleeps through the night,” Daisy tells her husband, concerned.
He shakes his head again. “She does not. You sleep like the dead, so I take care of her. Other than that, though, she’s pretty chill.”
Daisy's face softens as she realizes her husband has been doing something so kind for her. It makes me happy to see these two idiots finally allowing themselves some happiness. It took them forever to realize they both felt the same way, and now that they’re together, it makes more sense.
Julia and Oliver are discussing a plan for Stella. She’s been getting help before she starts second grade in a couple of weeks, and then I remember Natalie mentioning something about Izzy.
“Hey Jules, do we have any support for teens who have lost a parent?”
All eyes are on me, as if I spoke something completely out of the realm of possibilities.
“One of your players?” she asks. Technically, she is; she’s also the daughter of the woman I’m slowly falling in love with, but I don’t want to say that.
“Yes.”
“We actually do. We have a group for kids between thirteen and sixteen. Her parent would need to tour the place and talk to intake, do paperwork, but she could start in the next session. I’m leading it, actually.”
“Can I come?” Aspen asks, and we all look at him. With his hands up, he gets up and starts to walk away. “I’m going outside with the people who actually like me.”
“Just have them call on Monday,” Julia adds, and I nod. Calla starts stirring and pouting, so I return her to her mom, who gladly takes her.
“Speaking about the center. Holden, I was looking at the seating chart for the gala to finalize it, and I noticed the seat next to you is empty.”
Well, shit. I thought I had more time before I had to write a name or something down. I haven’t had a chance to ask Natalie if she wants to come with me, and this would be the first time I’ve brought someone.
“I, um.” I clear my throat, looking around, trying to find an escape route. “It’s not due until Friday, right?”
She says, “Yes, and you know, technically, we can leave it as a plus one. We don’t need a name or anything, but if you’re not bringing someone, we can sell that seat to someone else.”
“I’m paying for the seat.”
“You own the center. You don’t have to pay for it. Add a name when you know, or don’t add a name, and bring whoever.”
“Are you taking the so-called girlfriend of yours?” Mateo asks.
“Who else would he take?” Aspen asks, walking back inside, eating a popsicle.
“I thought you were going to stay with the kids since they like you?” Julia asks, and we snicker.
Liam also came in, right on time to hear the last sentence.
He, more than anyone, knows I have two possibilities on who to bring.
Technically, I could bring Natalie or Jerry.
We’re still weeks out from it, but really, it could be either one.
This is my framily. Natalie was right. They deserve to know. It’s not jinxing things with Natalie, and they definitely won’t judge me for not telling them about Jerry. But I should. I’m sure they’ll shed some clarity on the whole situation.
“Actually…yes, I’m thinking about inviting Natalie.”
Julia smiles, and so does Daisy, as if they knew. Liam nods, and Aspen gasps.
“Wait, Natalie? She has a name. Oh shit. Talk. Tell us.”
“Let him speak. This is why he doesn’t talk to us, because you—” Julia points at Aspen “—have zero chill. Let the man talk.”
Chili can sense something’s going on, because she zooms from Mateo’s lap to me. I pet the top of her head, mustering the courage to speak.
"But there’s someone else I could bring.”
Aspen gasps again. “You have two girlfriends?” he shouts.
“Shut up!” Liam, Daisy, and Julia all shout in unison.
I take a deep breath and start telling them everything that has happened over the past six weeks, from meeting Natalie on Father’s Day while I was in Baker Oaks to seeing Jerry.
I go all the way back to the day of Mom and Liz’s funeral, and how he showed up, shaking my world even more.
I tell them about his kidney disease and dialysis treatment. I tell them about everything.
It’s hard all over again, but they’re patient with me as I take my time explaining it all. By the end, there are tears, smiles, and heads bobbing in understanding. They, of course, are not judgmental, and they understand because that’s who they are, and I should’ve known.
“So yeah, that has been my summer so far.”
“Phew. What a mess,” Aspen murmurs.
“It’s been wild for sure,” I add.
“Okay, so where do you go from here?”
I shrug. “I’m not sure. There’s nothing else to say between Jerry and me, so I need to figure out if I want a relationship with him or not.”
“Do you want therapist Julia or friend Julia?” Julia asks.
“Both.” I smile.
“I’m happy you’re finding closure, but do you think you can continue your life and shut him out now that you know he’s alive and how he has turned his life around?”
I ponder her question, and it’s nothing new. It’s nothing I haven’t considered before. What do I want from him? What do I want for us? Is this an end to that chapter now that I know all the info, or is this a beginning of I want to develop a relationship with him?
“I don’t know,” I reply. “I’m so mad at my mom, but then I feel guilty for being mad at her.”
“That’s fair.”
“It feels like I’m betraying her if I have a relationship with him.”
Admission number two.
“Clay, I know I didn’t know your mom for long, but I can guarantee she wouldn’t want you holding grudges or stopping something you wanted to do in her name,” Liam mentions. He’s right. All this mess goes against everything she taught me. But then why did she lie?
“Have you thought that maybe your mom was doing the best she could?” Julia asks.
I’ve thought about it, and the more I do, the more I think that’s the truth. She was hurt, and she tried to spare us the same. She was my hero, and she continues to be, regardless of her lying about something so huge.
“I’m glad you told us, though. I hope you know we’re here if you ever need anything,” Julia adds while I’m lost in thought.
“I know.”
Aspen throws himself on my lap, holding me tight. “I love you, buddy. Thank you for telling us.”
I snort a laugh and return his hug. “I love you too, buddy.”
And he’s crying.
“Not everything is about you, West!” Julia shouts.
“I’m sensitive, okay? He, just, he has been through so much. He deserves happiness. And it seems like he found it.” He continues crying, and we laugh. He’s ridiculous.
“Now, tell us more about her.”
My face brightens at the thought of Natalie.
“Shit, you really like her,” Mateo adds, and I nod.
“You should see the way he looks at her,” Liam adds.
“Wait, how does Daddy Liam know this girl, and we don’t?” Aspen asks.
“Her daughter is on our team. Did I not mention that?”
Gasps, eyes snapping open, and a bunch of questions fill the space. Aspen leaps up from my lap, accidentally scaring Chili, who bleats and runs away.
“Great, you scared her.”
“She knows I love her. She’ll be back.”
I exhale. “We didn’t know. We found out last week that her daughter plays. She’s cool, the kid, and actually, she’s the same kid I was talking about going to the center.”
I wait for them to grasp all the information I gave them. I see it the moment it clicks.
“Wait, wait, wait.” For everyone except Aspen, I guess. “So if that’s the kid you were talking about, does that mean her dad—”
“Passed. Yes.”
“How?” Aspen shouts.
“I’m not sure. I haven’t asked.” It’s not necessary. She will let me know if and when she’s ready. I don’t mind. “All that I know is that it was sudden.”
“Maaan,” Aspen adds.
“That’s a lot,” Daisy mentions.
I nod. “They’ve been through a lot, and I know they don’t need more mess in their lives, you know?”
“Oh, sweetie. You’re not a mess,” Daisy whispers, putting Calla in Mateo’s arms so he can burp her.
I bury my face in my hands, but being alone, or being swamped with that feeling, is ephemeral. Hands touch my shoulders, palms press against my back. Around me, the screeching of the chairs signals them getting closer. I don’t have to open my eyes to know they’re near.
“They deserve someone without baggage who can bring them joy and happiness, not a broken man. I can’t even bring a full family into their lives, only more loss and heartbreak.”
This is the first time I admit it out loud—the fact I don’t think I can be enough for Natalie—and I need to figure out my shit before someone gets hurt. Admission number three.
“Hey.” Julia’s breath fans against my cheek.
I force my eyelids open, confirming they’re all close, surrounding me, supporting me.
“You don’t need to be perfect to deserve some happiness.
And you’re not broken because you’ve been through pain.
Do you think she’s broken because she lost her husband? ”
“No!” I shout immediately. Julia’s face softens knowingly.
“You wouldn’t say those things about her, yet you’re here, saying those things about you.”
“Do you think I don’t deserve happiness because my wife died?
” Oliver asks. This whole time, I’ve been talking about second chances and moving on, and I completely didn’t take into consideration how most of us have lost someone one way or another.
Oliver’s wife, my mom, and sister, Julia’s family—I could keep going.
We’re a bunch of misfits who found comfort in this friendship.
“We’re all deserving of love, right? Even if we’re broken,” Daisy adds.
I nod. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“You did, big guy,” Aspen mentions, patting my back. “But it’s okay. We love you either way.”
I smile, letting their words and comfort settle in. They’re right. I wouldn’t call her broken. She’s perfect, actually.
I would want her to be happy, so why is it so hard to give myself the same treatment? To understand, I deserve love too?
“Okay. I got it. Now, personal space, please.” They all retreat to where they were, save for Aspen. He plants a kiss on my cheek and hugs me before doing what I asked.
Obnoxious as always.
But I love them all.
“Now, when can we meet her?” Aspen asks.
“Never, if I can help it!”
“So next game, huh?”
So help me God.
I pinch my nose. He laughs.