Chapter 41 You’ll Never Regret The Chances You Take
YOU’LL NEVER REGRET THE CHANCES YOU TAKE
The Whisp Sings by Winter Aid
Holden
“Why are you moping around? I don’t think I’ve seen you this sad since the funeral.”
I don’t know. Maybe because I haven’t seen or heard from Natalie in days.
I don’t say that because he doesn’t even know who Natalie is.
I want to respect her boundaries, so I won’t go to her house.
I went to the bookstore yesterday, and Ellie was there, same as today.
I’ve sent food to her house, but I don’t know what else to do, and it’s driving me crazy.
“I have a lot on my mind. I might cut our visit short today.”
“That’s alright, son. I have to work right after, either way.”
“How’s that going?” I still can’t believe he went back to work after not even wanting to attend his hemodialysis just a few months back.
“It’s going. Hard to find my footing, but I’m getting there.” He sighs. “It’s okay if you want to go. You know where to find me if you want to talk.”
I walk away, stopping before stepping through the curtains dividing his space from the others. It’s always quiet, so there’s either nobody next to him, or whoever is there doesn’t get visitors.
“Why didn’t you marry again?” It’s been bugging me since he explained everything. Maybe I’m a masochist, or just in the mood for suffering, but I ask the question, nonetheless.
“What was the point?”
That’s not the answer I was expecting. I turn to face him. “What do you mean?”
“I had the love of my life once and fucked it up. I didn’t think I deserved a second chance with anyone else.”
“But you know now what went wrong. Not that I’m saying it didn’t matter, because it did, and it affected more than you, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it. You were young, and you got help, so why not find love again?”
He considers me, searching for what to say. “And part of recovery is knowing what can trigger a relapse. Trying to find what I had with Brenda is going to be a helluva trigger, and as I said, there was only her.”
“Do you ever wish you could go back and do more when she left? When she pushed you away?”
“Every day.” The air leaves his lungs in an attempt to release emotions, but he shakes it off.
“Every damn day. There’s no bigger regret.
And no matter what I did on my end to try to deserve her, it wasn’t ever going to bring her back.
I lost it again because without her, nothing made sense.
She died without me fighting for her, and I’ll never forgive myself for it. ”
I blink away tears that threaten to come.
“I know I don’t have any reason to give you advice, but if I may, can I say you will never regret the chances you take, but you will regret the ones you let pass you by?
And if this girl, whoever she is, is the reason you gave me a chance and why you’ve been walking with light in your eyes the past few weeks, I say she’s worth risking it all. ”
My eyebrows shoot to my hairline. “How do you know there’s a girl?”
“I wasn’t born yesterday. A father knows, even if he doesn’t deserve to be called one.”
I nod, taking his advice and walking away. Before I leave, I mutter, “You do deserve it. You fucked up big time, but you’re owning up to it. You’re putting in the work.”
I let my words fill the space between us, allow them to settle in his heart. “If you can call me son, I can call you dad.”
I’ll be back Wednesday, but for now, there’s a little girl I need to check on and a woman who deserves to know I’m not going anywhere.
After how many knocks does one call it quits and leave?
Four? Ten?
How about minutes? I’ve been here for five to ten minutes now, and she still hasn’t come out. I sit on the rocking chair and wait instead of knocking. I’ll wait all day if necessary. I want to make sure she’s okay. I want to make sure Vero is okay too.
Except it would’ve been great if I had realized her van wasn’t in the driveway. A van that’s now pulling up around my car.
“Hey.” I wave, running to her.
“What are you doing here, Holden?” she asks as soon as she steps out of the van. My heart sinks to my feet at the sight of her—yellow bags under her eyes, her hair pooled on her head in a messy bun, oversized faded clothes with puke on them, and two different shoes.
“I’m here to help.”
“I don’t need help,” she mentions, opening the back door and pulling Vero into her arms.
I reach around her, grabbing bags off the floor. “I know you don’t.”
“I’ve got this,” she snaps back, walking towards the house. She’s so tired, she’s on autopilot—in survival mode.
“Hi, Holen,” Vero whispers groggily when she sees me, her delicate hand opening and closing.
“Hi, sweets.” My exaggerated steps catch up to them, waiting to see if I will be invited in.
I’m not, but I’m not told to stay out either, so I step through the door, placing the bags on her kitchen counter.
She disappears, so I wait. I wait to see if she’ll come back.
I wait, washing the dishes in the sink and tidying up what I can see needs to be done. The trash needs to be taken out.
Finding the trash can outside is a quest, but one I complete, nonetheless. By the time I get back in, Natalie is standing in the kitchen, dumbfounded. “I told you I didn’t need help.” Her arms cross over her chest for good measure.
“And I said I knew you didn’t.”
“Then why did you clean my kitchen?”
“Because I wanted to.”
She exhales in annoyance. She’s so tired, she has no time for pleasantries. "Holden, I can’t be distracted right now. Vero needs me. The antibiotics weren’t helping, so I took her back in. Turns out, she also has the flu. She’s miserable, and I need to be here for her.”
“I know.”
“So there’s no time for small talk or dates or whatever. I need to be a mom.”
I nod. “I agree. I’m not here because you need me; I’m here because you shouldn’t carry it all alone, even if you can.
I’m here because you told me very clearly you and your girls were a package deal.
I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m here because when someone cares about you, they show up even in the hard times. And I do.” I shrug. “So I’m here.”
“I can take care of this. My house, my girls, myself.”
I step closer, holding her hand. She doesn’t fight me on it, but she feels so fragile. Has she even eaten today? “I know you can. You have. You’re so strong…but now, you don’t have to be strong alone. I’m here. I can help. Let me help take care of you.”
“Why?” Her beautiful blue and green eyes, red rimmed and empty, crash into mine.
“Why, when you look like that, and you’re kind and funny, why would you want to be with a widow who lives in a completely different city, with two kids, who cannot give you a child of your own?
Why are you showing me kindness when all I bring to the table is chaos? ”
“Well, first, you deserve kindness from everyone regardless of what you think you bring to the table.”
I take a step closer.
“Second, you are kind and funny and look like that.” I wiggle my eyebrows suggestively, but she still doesn’t even smile; tough crowd tonight.
“Third, you can’t help who your heart decides is worthy of falling for, and Natalie, I’m so glad mine chose you.”
The air between us is heavy and emotionally charged, even more so now that I hold her hands and refuse to drop her tragic eyes.
“Fourth, I love your kids. I know the more I get to know them, the deeper I will fall in love with them, because they were raised by you.”
I wrap her in a hug. “Shit, Bella was so special to me, even before I knew she was yours.” I know she needs this hug the moment her head falls on my chest, and she melts in my arms. Even with her arms at her side, her body starts molding to mine.
Her brain might be fighting this, but her body speaks a different truth.
“Fifth, who said I wanted a child of my own? You need to get out of your head and actually ask me these questions—which we can talk about,” I add when she tenses under my hands. “But now is not the time.”
My hands rake her back, letting her know I’m here. “I could keep going, but I think you got the gist of it.” My heart thunders in my chest, matching hers. I just confessed a lot, but she deserved to know. I’m all in.
I kiss the top of her head. “You’re worthy of kindness, love, and companionship on the good days when you dress like an Argentinian Goddess and on days where you look like you haven’t showered in five days.”
She laughs softly, but a laugh that reminds me of all things good. I wish I could bottle the sound and let it out when I’m having a bad day. I’m certain her laugh alone could make all my problems disappear.
“I’m so tired,” she mumbles.
“I know.” I kiss the top of her head again. “Why don’t you go shower? I can order dinner and see what else needs to be done here. Where’s Vero?
She pushes back from me, but this time, she’s not pushing me away, just adding space so she can speak freely instead of muffled sounds against my chest. “Sleeping. She’s been sleeping a lot. Her room is next to the bathroom, so I’ll hear her if she wakes up. Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
I offer her a smile, one she returns before disappearing into the back of the house, and I get to work.