Chapter 42 He Would Have Liked You
HE WOULD HAVE LIKED YOU
We Hug Now by Sydney Rose
Natalie
“What is all this?” I ask Holden, who’s placing a tray with food on the coffee table, wearing my lemon print apron.
“Dinner for you. Is Vero still asleep? I made her food too.”
I nod, hugging him, my only reply. “Thank you.”
He kisses my wet, freshly-washed hair, ushering me to the couch to eat. It not only smells like delicious food, but it’s also clean. “Did you clean everything else?”
He hums, looking at my shoulder with concern. He grabs something, looking even more worried than before, until I see it’s a clump of hair. Concerning if you’re a regular person, but not as much for me. “It happens. Hysterectomy side effect,” I mention.
He stares at it before putting it in his pocket.
“Are we going to talk about the chunk of hair you just put in your pocket?”
His shoulders shrug with a slight shake of his head. “I’ll throw it away later. My pocket is dirtier than your floor right now.”
“How did you manage to clean and cook while I just showered?” The grandfather clock shows what I was afraid of. I took almost an hour in the shower. I don’t remember the last time I took one that long, but damn it, I needed it.
“It’s just soup. It needed to cook for a while, so I cleaned while it was on the stove. I folded your laundry, but I didn’t know what you used for detergent, so I didn’t put another load in.”
What did I do to deserve this man?
“Thank you. That’s all very kind.”
“Not a problem. My mother raised me well.” He winks, pointing at the soup. “Let me know how that is. It’s been a while since I made chicken noodle soup.” He disappears into the kitchen before returning with a plate of food. Mac and cheese and chicken tenders, my favorite comfort meal.
“Since I didn’t know if you liked soup or not, I also ordered you this. Liz swore by the power of mac and cheese with chicken tenders, so here.” He sets the plate in front of me, as I’m unable to do much other than stare at it.
“I can take it away. I know it’s not very nutri—”
“Holden,” I interrupt. “This is my comfort meal.”
“Soup?” I shake my head, raising the plate he just brought into the air.
“Mac and cheese and chicken tenders. It’s what I eat when I feel down or happy or angry, really any big feelings. Bella’s too.”
He scoffs incredulously. What are the odds my favorite meal was also his sister’s? It feels so—
“Serendipitous,” he interrupts my thoughts, finishing the sentence. “You and Liz have the same taste, that is.”
He takes a seat next to me, stealing a cracker adorning the tray where the soup is. "Do you believe in fate, Beauty?” He pops the cracker in his mouth, so nonchalantly sitting on the couch, so comfortable in this space. I really like that. He feels like he belongs here already.
Do I believe in fate? The question of the century. Maybe yes or maybe no, but how do I explain that to him?
If I did, I could think that everything happens for a reason, that every small or big choice eventually has led me here, but I would also have to think that includes everything bad.
That Nick’s fate was to die that day, to what?
Have stronger laws and rules in place? To have better mental health support for our youth? No, that doesn’t seem fair.
If I don’t, on the other hand, then what do I believe in? What is the purpose of everything then?
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.
“I don’t, usually. Because if I did, then I would have to believe what happened to my sister and mom was meant to be for whatever morbid reason.”
Is this a grief thing that all of those who have lost someone feel?
“But I think fate brought us together.” He places his feet on the couch, crossing them at the ankles. “If it wasn’t fate, then maybe it was my mom and sister. They knew we were meant to be together…and if they did—”
“Then maybe Nick sent you too.”
We stare at each other, the heaviness of this moment filling the space between us, but there’s no time to explore anything else, because a groggy cry for mom comes from the back of the house.
Holden turns his head to where Vero is calling for me. “Do you want me to get her?”
I shake my head. “I got her. Would you put some ice in a bowl of soup for her?”
“Of course.”
“Hey, baby,” I whisper to Vero as she walks straight into my arms. My impatient little queen couldn’t wait for me to find her in her room; she had to come find me.
“I’m hungy, Mama.” I touch her forehead, and for the first time since Saturday, she doesn’t feel like the surface of the sun, and she wants to eat.
“That’s good. There’s soup and crackers,” I tell her as I walk us both into the living room.
“Hi, Holen!” she shouts, wiggling from my hold and running to him. That’s a new one.
“I guess you two bonded over pizza the other night, huh?”
She turns comfortably in his arms, her beautiful eyes searching for her soup, and when she finds it, light covers her face at the same time a tear rolls down mine.
It’s so scary to think something could happen to her, to them, really.
Every sickness, every off day, sends me right into a worst-case-scenario mentality, so getting this little glimmer—her smiling over food—sets my mind at ease.
“She might get you sick.”
“I don’t really care.” Holden's body is relaxed around her, as if the two of them have known each other forever. He’s letting her eat but watching her carefully, a napkin in his hand, ready to clean up whatever mess he’s predicting she’s going to make.
It tugs at my heart and fills me with both hope and sorrow.
He’s a natural with her, but I could never give him a baby of his own.
You have to talk to me about these things, he said earlier, and he was right.
We do need to talk about this. I don’t know how we went from strangers to friends to possibly planning a future together, but here we are.
It’s so scary, but I find myself looking forward to tomorrow the more I spend time with him.
It’s been years since I felt that. That little glimmer, that hope. And he’s bringing it for me again.
“Mom!” Bella shouts as she enters the house, shutting the door loudly behind her. Her friend was dropping her off after school, and I must have lost track of time.
“Oh, it’s a party, I see,” she mentions at the sight. “Coach Clay, glad to see you’re out of the dog house.”
“Isabella!”
He chuckles; thank God, he chuckles. This child.
“Too soon? Sorry. Is there more of that? Whatever that smells is?”
I look at Holden for confirmation, which he gives right away. “In the kitchen. Try not to make a mess.”
“The house looks so good, so I’ll try my best.”
“I promise I clean. She’s just dramatic,” I whisper to Holden, who’s wiping some soup from Vero’s arm. Her hand-eye coordination still has a long way to go, but it puts a smile on my face seeing he’s respecting her pace and just helping with cleaning up.
“I know.” His golden brown eyes glimmer with what seems like pride or even…love. “You’re incredible, you know that?” he asks.
“What?”
“You are incredible.”
Time stands still with this man sitting on my worn couch, my toddler comfortably eating soup next to him, a soup he made, while I stand here, listening to him call me incredible.
“Well, don’t stop at my account. Keep telling her.
She needs to hear it more often.” Bella breaks the moment in half, sitting on the rocking chair with a bowl of soup and piece of bread.
“But be warned—” she points at Holden with her bread “—she’ll cry.
” She leans forward, stealing a chicken tender from my plate. “Yum, thanks.”
I close the door quietly to Vero’s room, tip-toeing my way to the living room.
Bella had some homework to finish before bed, and Holden decided to help her, so I expect to find them in the kitchen, since Bella does her homework with snacks.
Tonight was so weird and perfect. Having him here should’ve felt like the balance was tipping, but it felt more like puzzle pieces falling into place.
I don’t know how to describe it, other than I felt at peace with him here, and so did the girls. We played a little bit of UNO—I lost, and Bella won every time—before it was bedtime for Vero. Vero fell asleep with her hand wrapped around Holden’s finger.
The water shuts off in the kitchen, allowing their conversation to rise over the sound.
“I can’t wait for the game this week. Are we doing pizza again?” Bella asks.
“That would be up to your mom.”
“Well, do you want to? We haven’t spooked you yet with the whole you’ll have to live with the memory of another man if you decide to keep dating my mom? Is it too much baggage for you?”
I gasp, covering my mouth so they don’t hear me eavesdropping.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Please. People treat me like I’m fragile half the time, and I’m a tough cookie.”
He chuckles. “I know. I’ve seen you fall and get back up again, remember?”
“Har, har, very funny.”
I lean against the wall and listen.
“The truth is, Bella, I like your mother very much, like I said the other day. That includes everything about her.”
“Ew.”
I can practically hear her eyes rolling.
“What I meant was that it includes everything and everyone who is important to her and who is a part of her. Her store, her house, her kids, and yes, your father too. I told you very clearly I want you all to talk as little or as much about him as you want.”
I would give money I don’t have to look at Bella’s face right now. I want to know what she’s thinking or feeling, but what if I walk out there, and it stops this conversation that feels like it needs to happen?
“I would never try to replace your dad. Quite the contrary, actually. I want to honor his memory. I want to get to know him through you girls, but all at the right time. You know how I tell the team that not everything happens right away? How, sometimes, you have to be patient and work hard for something?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Well, I can do both. I can be as patient as you all need me to be and work hard to earn not only her trust and love, but all three of yours. When the time is right.”
There’s a pause, and I consider going in. I can almost picture it: me wiping my tears, joining them, all of us hugging.
Then, Bella speaks, “He would have liked you, you know?”
“Who?” he asks in confusion.
“Dad. He would have liked you in general, but I know if he knew he couldn’t be here for Mom, for us, he would have liked you to be.”
“Well, Bella, that’s the best thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“Sure, sure."
Her steps echo, and I turn, immediately wiping my tears to cover up the fact that I listened to what could possibly be the best conversation any prospective…what? Boyfriend? Partner? Could have with my kid.
“So that was me telling you you’re on the right track. Keep it up. Your food is alright too, I guess.” She skips out of the kitchen, running into me. “Oh, hey, Mom.”
“Hi,” I whisper, opening my arms for a hug.
“A quick one. It’s time for a shower and bed,” she mutters.
I kiss the top of her head, squeezing her tighter one last time. There’s always time for one more. One more kiss, one more hug, one more goodbye, because one day, there won’t be another one. “I love you. Don’t stay up too late reading, okay?”
“Yes, Mom. I love you too.” Bella disappears behind me as I walk up to the kitchen to find a misty-eyed Holden.
“How much of that did you hear?” This man has spidey senses, I swear.
“From pizza on Friday and on. Thanks for doing the dishes, by the way.”
“No need to thank me.” He sighs defeated. “Did I overstep? I know we haven’t had any serious conversations about what any of this is, but I didn’t want to lie to her.”
I close the space between us, my smile growing with each step, before I wrap my arms around him and peer up at his eyes. “It was perfect. Thank you for not lying to her. She doesn’t take it kindly, and neither do I.”
“I don’t have kids, so I stay away from judging how others parent their own, but I don’t think adults should flat-out lie to kids. They’re supposed to trust us, you know?”
I nod in agreement, resting my head on his chest. “You’re good with kids.”
“Tell that to my friends. They think I’m a curmudgeon.”
I want to tell him I would love to meet his friends and tell them exactly that to their faces. But there’s another question I want to ask, and I fear if I tell him I want to meet his friends, I won’t have the chance to.
“What’s wrong?” he searches my eyes, softening his expression that says, “Talk to me,” just as he says the words.
“Do you want kids?” This catches him by surprise.
“I know we talked about this once briefly, but I really need you to think long and hard and answer me. Before we take this any further, before I let my kids fall in love with you, even though we both know they’re already on the way there.
I just want to know before our lives tangle anymore. Do you want kids someday?”
He’s the one biting his lower lip now, smoothing his hand up and down my back, considering my question. I’m glad he doesn’t answer right away. I’m glad he takes the time to give me an actual, honest answer instead of an excuse or what he thinks I want to hear.
“Yes, I want kids.”
Of course, he does. He’s great with them. I can’t help the sad smile I’m sure is on my face right now, even if I wanted to fake it.
“But that doesn’t mean I want or need a biological child or a baby.”
What?
“If you heard what I told Bella, then you know. I really, really like you—everything about you, including your kids. I know they’re not mine, I know I’m not their father, and I would never want to pretend to be.
But I will show you I can love them just as much as if they were my own.
I want kids, Natalie, but I want to be a part of your kids’ lives. I want them.”
The freaking tears won’t stop flowing now.
“Say something,” he says, so scared, so tender, so vulnerable. I do the opposite and just rest my head on his chest. “This was too much too fast, huh? I told you, I don’t really know how to do this.”
“It wasn’t you,” I finally say. He needs to know he’s perfect, and I’m just…scared. “I pushed you away because of a lot of things, but mostly, well, because I’m scared. But you didn’t deserve that. I’m an emotional mess, and I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Nat—”
“All I’m saying is,” I interrupt, “I'm sorry for pushing you away. Thank you for tonight and for not staying away, even when that’s what it looked like I wanted.”
He tightens his hold around me, breathing me in. “Just talk to me, okay? Not all at once, not now, just whenever things arise. We’re in this together, and I’m not going anywhere.”