Chapter Eighteen
“Daniel,” Hope whispered his name, her hand tightly clenched in his.
She watched helplessly as Daniel groaned and mumbled while he thrashed around in his bed. The bed sheets were soaked with sweat, and his light brown hair clung to his clammy skin. It tore at Hope’s heart to see him in such a deplorable state, and she berated herself for leaving him behind.
His lips puckered, and she watched him pathetically struggle to form the plea “Whiskey!”
Her remorse turned to annoyance, and she prayed Jackson was still asleep and hadn’t heard. Though Daniel’s sudden arrival had been filled with shame and embarrassment, she still wanted to preserve some of their family’s dignity.
“For shame, Daniel,” Hope chastised him quietly. “You’ve got to fight the drink!”
Daniel groaned, shook off her hand, and curled into a ball while sobbing like a child. Hope felt torn between guilt over how far her brother had fallen and worry about bringing her troubles into Jackson’s life.
She thought back to their conversation shortly after Daniel’s arrival, when she had lost control of all her emotions.
Jackson had seemed like a tall, unshakeable tree that she could shelter beneath in a rainstorm.
He’d tried to assure her that her family was now his, but she worried that he’d simply said it in the heat of the moment to try and calm her down.
“Hope, Hope!” Daniel started crying as the groaning started up again.
“I’m here,” she assured him quietly, feeling the heaviness only a lack of sleep could bring.
He grabbed her hand and squeezed it hard as another wave of shivers wracked his skinny limbs.
“Oh, Daniel,” she murmured, wiping tears from her eyes as she watched him. “Will you ever find peace?”
He finally stopped twitching, and she imagined that his fever might’ve broken.
Relieved, Hope rested her head on her arms to ease the burn in her shoulders and neck, closing her eyes for the briefest of seconds.
The roosters outside told her dawn was not far off, and soon she would need to start her usual round of chores.
Drifting in between consciousness and unconsciousness, Hope vaguely became aware of Jackson entering the room and draping a woolen shawl over her shoulders.
She had been looking after others for so long she wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to the feeling of having someone care for her.
***
It had been two weeks since Daniel’s arrival and he’d already lost the gauntness in his face after three generous meals a day, every day.
Hope also thought she could see the old warmth returning to his brown eyes since he’d been with her.
He hadn’t touched a drop of liquor since he’d arrived, but it was too soon to believe things could be better.
Even so, she couldn’t stop herself from hoping.
“You look good,” she teased him as he entered the kitchen. “Herding steers has put some meat on those bones of yours.”
“Don’t tease, Hope,” Daniel said, taking a seat. “I can’t believe this is your new home.”
“It’s yours now too,” Hope said with a smile. She set a plate of eggs and salted pork in front of him. “Do you like it here?”
“It’s beautiful,” Daniel commented. “I can see why you ran away from Dodge City… and me.”
She felt his words cut through her deeply. Hope sat down next to him and tried to get him to look her in the eye.
“Daniel, you know very well I didn’t want to leave you,” Hope said quietly. “I begged you to come with me.”
Daniel shook his head, then picked up his fork and started shoveling eggs into his mouth. Hope sighed. She had tried several times to talk things through with him, but he refused to revisit the past.
“Thanks for breakfast,” he said, changing the subject. “Jackson’s going to introduce me to the sheep today.”
“Don’t let Jackson work you too hard,” Hope said, feeling the weight of unspoken words between them.
“He’s a good man, Hope,” Daniel assured her. “I don’t want to disappoint either of you. I’m really trying to be better…but it’s so hard, Hope.”
As she’d watched Daniel’s progress over the past two weeks, he did seem freer and calmer, and she wondered if the wild beauty of Madison Valley was having the same effect on her.
She clung to the hope that Daniel might find the same measure of stability and contentedness she had on the ranch.
But his words had made her aware that he was still fighting the call of drink and cards, so she couldn’t lower her guard yet.
“Morning,” Jackson said as he walked into the kitchen. Hope noticed him smiling at her and she immediately leapt up to pour him some coffee, turning to hide her blush.
Ever since the day he had held her under the tree, she felt oddly shy in his presence.
Jackson had been busy showing Daniel around the ranch and repairing endless fences.
During the evenings, Daniel and Margaret joined them for dinner, so she hadn’t been around Jackson alone enough for her shyness to wear off.
“Did Daniel tell you he cleaned out all the stalls in the barn yesterday?” Jackson said to Hope.
“I noticed one of the hands didn’t get to it, that’s all,” Daniel said into his coffee mug.
“Daniel!” Hope smiled, relieved that Jackson had praise for him.
When they’d still had horses back at the family cabin in Dodge City, Hope had always been the one to muck out the stalls.
She felt she was seeing a side of Daniel she didn’t know existed.
While she’d always tried to alleviate his load, Jackson had instead given Daniel hard work.
It seemed to help him feel he was accomplishing something.
Hope bit her lip while quietly wondering how much she was to blame for Daniel’s bad habits. Daniel slipped out to fetch his hat, leaving Jackson and Hope alone in the kitchen.
“I’m not sure why I’m surprised Daniel is a hard worker,” Jackson murmured, giving Hope a warm look. “It runs in the family.”
“You’re one to talk,” Hope teased. She looked away shyly when she felt his attention on her. “You’ve hardly been home the last two weeks.”
“I’ll have to fix that,” Jackson said, giving her a long look. “You’ve been sleeping better again,” he observed.
Hope looked away, feeling heat spread through her cheeks at Jackson’s statement.
She had lain awake most nights worrying about Daniel, and as a result she often woke up exhausted.
It surprised her that Jackson had noticed, despite not being around all that much.
Jackson stepped towards her, as if he wanted to continue the conversation, but Daniel arrived with his hat on.
“Ready when you are, Jackson,” he said, rubbing his hands together.
Jackson gave Hope a nod and walked off. Only then did she realize how much she had wanted him to stay and talk to her, but once again they had been interrupted.
Hope was beginning to believe that their relationship would always be like that.
As much as they shared moments that felt warm and intimate, conversations that drew them together, something always happened to keep them distant.
She wondered if Jackson wasn’t deliberately trying to distance himself so that they didn’t grow too attached. She couldn’t really blame him, because whenever he held her close or attended to her in some way, she felt so overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings that she had to run away.
Nothing she’d ever experienced in the past could compare to these strong emotions. She didn’t know what was wrong with her or why Jackson’s presence affected her so, but she knew she had never felt this way before.
***
As the sun started to dip behind the mountains, Hope knelt in front of the oven and eyed the golden crackling on a small piece of pork she had roasted. The potatoes were brown and crispy in the pork drippings, and she knew any longer in the oven would dry the roast out.
“Smells good,” Jackson said as he strolled into the kitchen.
Hope pulled the tray from the oven with a little flourish.
“You came at just the right time,” Hope said, beginning to carve the pork. “Where’s Daniel?”
“He’s digging in Ma’s garden,” Jackson answered. “She said she’d cook them some supper and for you not to worry.”
“So it’s just the two of us,” Hope realized, a tingle in her stomach.
“He worked hard today, Hope,” Jackson assured her.
He sounded as if he wanted to say more, but then thought better of it. They made light conversation about the ranch while eating dinner, and Hope asked about the broken fencing and how many lambs had been born.
“That was a real fine meal, Hope,” Jackson said when they’d finished, collecting their empty plates. “My waistband is certainly feeling the difference in your cooking.”
Hope chuckled. “I’ll be sure to hold back a little on all the pie baking.”
“Please don’t,” Jackson said with a smile. “Nothing beats coming home to a slice of apple pie.”
“I’ll get the kettle on, then,” Hope said.
“You’ve worked enough in here,” Jackson assured her. “I’ll make the tea. You go wait out on the porch.”
Hope obeyed, setting herself on the little bench on the porch.
She closed her eyes and breathed in the crisp spring air.
In the distance, she could hear the rush of water in the creek and the lowing of cows in the meadows.
In between the snort of horses in the corrals, crickets chirped and frogs sang to each other.
Knowing Daniel was turning over a new leaf and that they were safe and stable was a new sensation.
It brought a sense of peace that Hope had long since forgotten.
“Here’s your tea,” Jackson said, delivering it along with a slice of pie.
Jackson sat down next to her, and Hope immediately felt the warmth radiating from him.
“How are you?” Jackson asked suddenly. “I haven’t really been around much to ask you, so now will have to do.”
“I’m fine,” Hope said, appreciating the effort he was making to ask her. She wondered at that moment if he had asked his mother to keep Daniel entertained so they could have a private moment together.
“How does it feel to have your brother out here?” Jackson asked next.
Hope could feel Jackson was wanting her to open up. It was terrifying, but at the same time, his personal interest in her was intriguing.
“It’s been an adjustment,” Hope said, “but I’m happy he’s safe.”
“Are you worried for him?”
There was no point in lying to Jackson. Hope nodded.
“I’m scared,” Hope admitted. “For the first time in years, it seems like Daniel is really trying. I want to believe that he’s changing.”
“But?”
“But I’ve been hurt too many times,” Hope said quietly. “Is that mean of me?”
She didn’t want Jackson to think ill of her, but at the same time, she couldn’t help wanting to know what thoughts of her he held in his mind.
Jackson shook his head. “Nothing about you is mean, Hope. You’ve given up a lot to care for him.”
Hope looked over at Jackson and tried to make out his expression in the dark. There wasn’t any accusation in his tone, just an observation.
Jackson continued, “I don’t want you to be so worried about your brother that you forget your own happiness.”
“I’d never-”
“You do it all the time, Hope,” Jackson said, his voice slightly strained. “You put yourself last.”
Hope’s shoulders sagged and she sighed. She’d always thought her ability to put other’s needs ahead of her own was how she showed she cared.
“Now, before I say anymore,” Jackson continued, seeing her reaction, “it’s not just you looking after him. Daniel is family, Hope. Not just your family, but our family,” he clarified slowly, as though to help Hope grasp his words.
Hope looked up at him, his words taking her by surprise.
“Jackson,” she said, lowering her gaze. “It’s easy to say that now when Daniel is trying so hard, but...”
Hope had been alone for so long that it felt strange to have someone say that they were on her team. Her family had only been her and Daniel for so long that she’d already struggled with extending the boundaries of family to Jackson, and Margaret, too.
“I want you to know I’m here to support you,” Jackson continued, “because I want you to be happy here at the ranch with me. So even if Daniel causes trouble…you can count on me.”
Hope nodded slowly, but there was something in Jackson’s words that made her stop and look over at him.
“Has Daniel done something?” she asked.
“He hasn’t done anything,” Jackson assured her in a low voice. “But I do think you need to be wary around him, just until we know for sure that he’s changing.”
“Wary?” she repeated, hearing the defensive lilt in her own voice. “Don’t you think I know that? He’s my brother-”
“I’m not attacking him, Hope, or telling you how to treat him,” Jackson continued, clearly flustered by her sudden reaction.
“But I can see what he does to you. When he first arrived, it was like he drained all the joy from you, and now that you're finally becoming yourself again, I’m afraid he'll hurt you one more time.”
“You’re the one who’s been filling me with hope saying he’s such a good worker,” Hope told him, hating how easily Jackson had read her the last few weeks.
She was furious with him, and she couldn’t stop her anger spilling over into her words. His personal interest was beginning to feel more suffocating than supportive, and she didn’t want to have to explain herself anymore.
“I’m trying to protect you, and help Daniel,” he assured her quietly.
“I don’t need your protection, Jackson. I’ve managed this long without you!” Hope snapped. “I’ve been dealing with Daniel alone for years,” she added slowly. “Nobody ever offered to help us before.”
Hope could see the hurt in his green eyes as she spoke, and she felt a pang of guilt over her reaction.
“That doesn’t mean you should be above asking for it now,” Jackson muttered, before standing up and marching back into the house.
Hope didn’t follow him. She slumped back against the bench and sipped her tea in fuming silence. She was tired of having to defend her family, and now dealing with feeling oddly divided between Daniel and Jackson was a new challenge.
Hope sighed. As always, it was easier and safer to just keep relying on herself.