Chapter 42
FORTY-TWO | COLTEN
Words I was so fearful to hear sink their talons into my hardened soul, grasping the part of myself I’ve kept suppressed—the part that has always needed to hear them but has been petrified of the consequences.
They’re clinging to the weak man, trying to get me to say the words I’ve felt for weeks but haven’t wanted to acknowledge.
Taryn said she loves me.
And I didn’t fucking say it back.
I’m not entirely ignorant. I know I love her, and honestly, I think it’s been festering from the moment her defiant spirit marched out of the office when we first officially met.
I knew everything about her before then because of all the research I had done before we chose her.
But having her physically in front of me was unlike anything I had conjured up in my head.
The seed was planted the moment I saw her—rooted itself, and has woven its way through my veins, around my bones, and covered my heart with the invasive feeling I’ll never shake.
I glance up from my hands and meet a pair of brown eyes.
But they aren’t hers.
And I wish with everything in my broken soul that they were Taryn’s.
She left. Walked out the door after she laid everything out on the line while I’ve been wallowing like an idiot because my heart and brain are clashing for governance.
They still are. My heart wants her. It’s fighting to make her mine in all the ways she isn’t already.
Yet my brain understands that she’s gone.
That she walked out on me like my mother did all those years ago.
Exactly how my grandparents left and never spoke to my family again after their daughter vanished.
How my damn father was arrested and is incarcerated because the love in his marriage failed at some point in time, and he wasn’t man enough to try and fix it.
Her words echo in my head.
“But I can’t hold on to the hope that you might someday say it back when there’s a chance you never will.”
I want to.
Fuck. I want to shout it at her to get my head out of my ass since I promised myself I’d never say those words to anyone unless it were my siblings.
People always seem to leave and never come back. But the thought of losing Taryn…
She is virtuous. She is gentle. She loves and accepts the darkest parts of me.
If surrendering my control so I can love her in all the ways she deserves can annihilate me, then I will forever consider her my ultimate risk. And if all fails, her loving me exactly how I am right now will be my greatest reward.
“I fucked up. Hard,” I say, reaching out to feel Rossco’s thick coat below my sweaty palms. “But I think you already know that.”
He blinks at me, his tongue lolling to the side when I scratch behind his ears. “Let’s go get our girl,” I murmur.
Our girl.
My girl.
Mine.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting alone, but I pick up my stressed and weighted frame off the bed, go to my dresser, and tug on a pair of sweatpants and a white T-shirt.
My brisk, beating heart increases my pace as I march into the closet, grabbing a sweatshirt before I make my way to the front of the house and slip on my boots.
The rain pelts down on my hood relentlessly, soaking through the cloth.
The back door light of the main house guides me through the yard with Rossco on my tail.
With too much intensity, I fling the back door open, letting it slam against the exterior of the house.
I’m through the hallway and in the foyer before it has time to shut.
I lower my hood, and Rossco shakes his damp coat over the wood floor at my feet. I should clean it up so nobody slips, but Taryn is my priority. And I vow right here that she will always be one of my priorities.
Three pairs of eyes in the living room snap to me. Elena and Tristan must be in bed.
I clear my throat, the weight of their gazes making my skin itch. “Is she upstairs?”
Brennan’s arm is draped over the back of the couch, and his eyes fall to his lap. Jessica says nothing from the recliner.
Cameron’s disheartened regard, though…that one slices through every muscle and embeds in my bones. Swiping a thumb across his bottom lip, he leans over his knees, pinning me with his glare. “You want to clue us in on what’s going on?”
My chest caves, my lungs squeezing out the words. “She told me she—”
“She what?” Brennan pushes, slanting his head.
My pulse batters. “Loves me.”
Lines form between Cameron’s brows. “So, what’s the fucking problem then?”
I don’t want to admit it—that I am a complete asshole for letting her walk away like that, but honesty wins. “I couldn’t say it back.”
Jess lifts a hand to her mouth in shock. “That explains it,” she mutters through her fingers, but the words are precise and clear, striking with a force that weakens my knees.
“Colten…” Cameron’s pained sigh has my hands balling into fists at my sides.
“You can’t punish yourself or Taryn for what happened between Mom and Dad.
You aren’t them.” He shakes his head. “And if you take things further with her…I know you’d go into it knowing you’d want your relationship to look nothing like what theirs did those last few years before Mom disappeared. ”
Emotion slithers up my throat, clogging my airway and making it difficult to draw even half a breath.
He’s right.
Yet the infection of fear still lingers in the depths of my mind.
But how I feel about her? Yeah, that sensation has spread and numbed all the hurt and agony that has coexisted over the past five years.
When I don’t speak, Brennan lifts his eyes to meet mine. “But do you? Do you feel the same way?”
My fingers pull through my damp hair. “Fuck. I should’ve said it back.” The sound of a car door slamming jolts my body. “Where is she?”
Cameron reaches for the coffee table, grabbing his beer. “She said she needed a night alone. So, she’s headed back to the house. Gram and Bumpa’s old place.”
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!
I stride to the window, watching her truck speed around the circular driveway. Her red taillights, glowing through the downpour and light misting of fog, taunt me as they disappear.
“Shit!” Turning rapidly without a second thought, I tear through the kitchen, seizing the Aston Martin keys from the counter, and march back through the foyer to the front door.
My body is reacting on its own. She’s pulling me toward her as if we’re bound by an invisible force. The growing distance between us is lengthening the void, and I’m determined to close the distance.
I crave her closeness.
Her soft, malleable body plastered against mine.
I’m addicted to how my heart pulses wildly whenever she’s nearby. I’m captivated by the brightness and vibrancy that flickers across those brown irises. They make me feel lighter whenever they’re imprisoned by mine.
God, I love the way she makes me feel.
But right now, I’m combatting the same soul-wrenching feeling that attacked me all those years ago when I left my siblings for those few days after Mom disappeared.
I didn’t look at her after she said those words to me. I couldn’t. But her pleading eyes were so powerful that I felt the dejection pooling in my gut like poison.
Hurling my body into the front seat, water drips off my hair and cascades down the side of my temple. Turning on the ignition, I slam my foot on the gas pedal, cursing myself for letting her walk away.
Cursing myself because I’m the reason she left.
I round the circular driveway, flicking on the wipers to clear the droplets of rain pelting the windshield from the low cloud cover.
Accelerating down the driveway with the solar lights on both sides, I enter the orchard, slamming the pedal harder as if I could smash it into the floor.
Luckily this car is a hell of a lot faster than my truck.
A red glow appears through the rain and fog in the distance, the sight of her truck dangerously escalating the cadence of my heart hammering violently.
Please slow down when you see me.
I’ve always loved chasing her. But right now?
Fuck that.
I want her in my bed. I want to say the words I know she wants to hear. I want my hands tangled in her silky, dark hair and her body trapped below mine because that’s where she belongs. With me. With us.
Nearing her vehicle, I flash the brights, but she doesn’t slow.
I slam the steering wheel with my fist. “Please slow down!”
But nothing happens.
We race through the orchard. A storm may be raging around us, but my focus is on calming the chaos I have unleashed.
Gaining on her, I flash them again, holding my breath.
Red brake lights illuminate the wet gravel, but the moment I realize where she is—where we are in the orchard—time slows.
The water droplets gliding down the slope of the windshield.
The boom of my pulse echoing in my ears.
The searing current of panic that poisons my bloodstream the moment her taillights vanish off the cliffside, leaving an endless abyss of darkness that swallows everything in its wake.