3. Ari
Ari
So, I know there’s a whole belief in the idea that we can’t go out in the sunlight, but it isn’t strictly true.
It isn’t as if we’d actually set on fire or anything, but we do burn really quickly and the bright pink lobster look is never attractive.
Luckily, Clarins have been sorting out sensitive vampire skin for over fifty years now and so all it takes is a – ludicrously expensive, but need’s must – cream to mean I can pretty much live a normal life.
I’ve spent the afternoon in town, wondering around the shops but not actually buying anything.
There’s another misconception people have: that we’re all loaded.
Again, there’s a kernel of truth to the idea.
You’d think if you’ve been alive for well over a century you might have figured out a way to earn a suitably passive income, like made some money on the housing market or something.
And it’s true there are a disproportionate number of landlords who’re vampires.
But then there’s me. Let’s just say that I have made some bad choices over the years.
Benedict. The starting point for everything. I won’t bore you with all the details but the bad choice was allowing him into my life in the first place. Getting away was the only good decision I ever made.
Then the rebound boyfriend, one I wasn’t even all that in to, who took all my savings before running off with another woman.
A couple of bad investments. I mean, how was I meant to predict the dot-com crash in 2000? Although I will admit I shouldn’t have put quite so much confidence in beanie babies. But that 2021 Game Stop thing could have worked out if I’d been able to cash out fast enough.
But anyway, not to put too fine a point on it, I’m broke.
Seriously broke. I’m living in a shitty part of the city in a flat that’s basically a shoe box and I’m not going to lie, things are tough.
This might be an understatement in terms of how dire the situation is, but I’m trying this new thing where I ignore my problems and try to focus on the good.
Luckily I have fabulous friends like Clara who live in gorgeous town houses and have a pretty much open invitation policy so I can pop round whenever I like. Which is basically every evening. In fact the invitation is so long standing, she doesn’t even need to let me in anymore, I have my own key.
She’s already in the kitchen, making us drinks when I push the front door open. “Hola sweetie!” she calls. “Just check the thermostat will you?”
A few years ago the house developed a hideous mould issue because Clara never put the heating on.
It is after all a total waste of energy given we don’t mind the cold, but apparently it’s necessary from a building maintenance perspective.
“Eighteen degrees,” I reply as I slip out of my coat.
Again another unnecessary item, but you get very odd looks if you walk around Exeter City Centre in a vest top in January.
I remove my boots and head towards the kitchen in my socks.
Clara is sitting at the breakfast bar with a martini in front of her and her iPad on a stand facing the other martini she has made for me.
She clears her throat and a feeling of icy dread shimmers down my spine.
I know that throat clearing. That’s the very specific one she reserves for presentations.
And normally presentations about the sorry state of my life.
A few months ago she delivered a half hour talk about my single status, although she termed it “unnecessary celibacy”.
“No,” I say, putting as much authority in my voice as I can, only slightly undermined by my simultaneous reaching for one of the martini glasses.
“Yes.” She grins, her smile lighting up her face.
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.” This time I cock my head slightly. I can do this forever.
She narrows her eyes and we lock stares, neither of us wanting to be the first to look away.
I don’t notice her hand creeping to the iPad, but I can’t help but look as the screen bursts into light.
“Only fangs,” she whispers theatrically and then waves her hand in front of the screen like an old school mystic.
She’s designed a logo, all reds and blacks with a set of upper teeth, blood dripping from the comically pointed cuspid. You really could kill someone with those teeth.
“You like?” she asks.
I sip the martini and lean forward for a closer look. Because yes, I do like. In fact I more than like. “I love it,” I tell her truthfully.
“So you’ll do it?”
“Start a dating app?”
“Obvs.” Clara rolls her eyes at me in a parody of a bored Gen-Z-er.
I sigh. “I can’t.” Who the hell am I kidding? I have no experience in building an app.
Clara stares at me and waits for me to say my concerns out loud. She knows this is the only way to get me to open up.
“I have no clue where to start. All I have is a concept and a brilliant name,” I tell her.
“And now you also have a bloody amazing logo.” She does this weird jazz hands thing in the direction of the iPad.
I smile. “And a bloody amazing logo.”
She smiles. “So why not give it a go?”
“I—” But I’m saved by someone pressing their entire body weight against the front door bell, the sound reverberating through the house.
“Oh goodie, the cavalry has arrived.” Clara jumps off her stool and hustles towards the front door.
“You invited Ivan to gang up on me?” I call to her back.
“Of course,” she replies, throwing the words over her shoulder. She sounds far too pleased with herself.
An hour later and we’re on our third martinis.
That’s another popular myth, that we don’t consume anything other than blood, and it’s absolute dog shit.
Just imagine how awful our lives would be if we couldn’t eat or drink anything else?
We’d all be cranky as hell and killing humans left, right, and centre just to quell the hangry demons.
Ivan and Clara have been trying to convince me to set up Only Fangs for the whole time.
I’ve tried to tell them that if they think it’s such a good idea they should launch it themselves.
But that just made them roll around laughing.
They are both total luddites and would probably break the entire internet if they even tried.
I, however, am at least vaguely tech savvy.
Eventually they wear me down. “Look, I appreciate what you’re doing,” I say, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice.
“But I can’t. It isn’t that I don’t want to.
” All they’ve managed to do this evening is made me realise just how good the idea is and now I feel even more shit that I can’t do it.
“You’d make a killing,” Clara says softly.
I don’t talk about my money problems with my friends.
They have no ideas the depths of the issue.
And they definitely don’t know about the loan, or the price I’ll have to pay if I can’t pay it back.
And soon. But I guess they’ve figured out I’m in a bit of a bind, I doubt they were convinced when I said I was moving to the other side of Exeter because I wanted a change of scenery.
“This could be a life changer,” Ivan adds, matching Clara’s tone.
I hate that they pity me. But perhaps they’re right. I narrow my eyes at them. “Do you really think so?”
“One hundred percent. This could be exactly what you need.” Clara reaches out and squeezes my hand.
I think for a few moments, allowing an image to bloom in my mind.
I’m standing on a stage, accepting an award for App of the Year and the whole audience is clapping.
I’m wearing a gorgeous black Valentino dress with mesh panelling details and a pair of skyscraper Louboutin’s, my hair cascading down my back in soft waves, makeup sultry. I look successful. I look happy.
Could I do this? I’d need to hire someone to help with the actual coding and I don’t think that kind of skill set comes cheap. But if I was careful, I could stretch the money I have in the bank just far enough to employ someone for a few months and pay my bills.
And it isn’t like I have a better plan. I shiver at the thought of the alternative. What do I have to lose by trying?
“Alright,” I tell my friends. I can’t help but smile at their little excited faces as my words sink in. “I’ll do it.”
“Eek!” Clara squeaks and claps her hands together like an excited five year old at the fair. “This is going to be so much fun.”
We have yet another martini and write a job description, posting it to r/VampireLife on Reddit.
Are you looking for a job you can sink your teeth into?
App start-up looking for a coder to help bring the idea to the market. Must be proficient in Kotlin (Swift desirable).
Salary negotiable.
Perks include 30 days paid holiday, fully stocked fridge (Sanguis of course!).
Flexible hours, evenings preferred.
Life’s too long to grind that corporate millstone.
Email Ari.Haywood@ for more info.