Chapter 36 #5
The distance grew between them, and the wound it caused was deeper than the grave she’d dug herself. He’d come back if she called out to him. He’d know.
She put a hand against the dirt and reminded herself of what she stood in. This was exactly the grave she’d have to dig for him if Mordane or anyone else found out what she’d done. Better to bury a memory than the man she loved more than life.
Elsie finally lost the tenuous hold she had on her emotions. Fat tears hit the dirt, and within seconds she was gasping for air. Falling to the ground, she curled into a ball and screamed, trying her best to hold herself together when all she wanted to do was fall apart.
The bond hurt like hellfire, struggling to pull them back together, and though she’d slammed a wall between them to stop him from feeling her, the bond rebelled. It throbbed and twisted, each breath reminding her of what she’d done.
She knew exactly what direction and how far she would have to travel to find him again. Elsie could go to him and make things right, but where would that leave them other than right back where they’d started?
She needed another week to heal, and she’d be facing a trial after killing Clairemont. The hunters had too many reasons to kill Saint, and there was no way he’d survive within that barrier without her to protect him.
She went over her points obsessively, desperate to convince herself that she’d done what was right. That Saint would be better off without her. Out there, he’d live a far better life than the shit he’d had to put up with here. He could go home, if he wanted.
The tears wouldn’t stop, and the pain in her chest worsened as the hard, racking sobs jolted her injury. She’d said terrible, horrible things, and he’d accepted it, still putting her first.
Because he loved her.
That thought alone made her wish for death. Right then and there. She hadn’t loved and appreciated him enough in the time she’d had with him. She’d never deserved him in the first place.
Elsie sobbed until she lost her voice. She sobbed until the tears ran dry and all that remained was soft, miserable hiccups and whimpers of pain. She sobbed until the sky turned dark and the air turned cold.
At some point she realized that he wasn’t coming back, and while that sent her back into a fit of tears, it was enough to make her move.
Climbing out of the hole, she found a fallen tree with rotted-out branches.
Hauling those branches over and shoving them inside, along with most of the ashes from what she’d burned, Elsie buried them along with the raven, creating a mound of dirt that was of satisfactory size.
She’d barely finished covering it up when the painfully bright beams of two flashlights blinded her. “Elsie!” Marley’s voice called out. The healer sounded relieved. “We’ve been looking for you everywhere!”
“Did you let those fucking demons out? Clairemont’s body was found hours ago,” Trenton added, his flashlight swinging around until they noticed the grave. “What happened? Where’s your demon?”
Elsie buried the head of the shovel in the dirt and nodded at the pile. “I found Clairemont beating the shit out of my demon, exactly as I predicted.” She glared into Marley’s eyes. The healer had the grace to look uncomfortable.
“What happened?” she asked.
“I took his hands, and then I killed him. He broke something that belonged to me after I warned him never to touch it again.” Elsie glared into Marley’s eyes as she spoke.
Trenton broke the uncomfortable silence that followed. “And the demons?”
“Not my problem.”
Marley and Trenton shared a look, raising their eyebrows.
“What about Mutt?” Marley demanded.
“He touched me without permission, just like Grady,” she lied. “Now he’s dead, too.”
“Oh gods, she’s lost her mind,” Marley groaned, handing her flashlight to Trenton and approaching Elsie like a trapper trying to calm a wild animal.
“It’s the pain medicine. I warned them that they were giving her too much, but I’m just a field medic, so what do I know, right? Idiots. Each and every one of them.”
Elsie didn’t argue. If the healer wanted to blame the deaths she’d caused today–real and fictional–on pain meds, she’d let her. She was just relieved they’d sent Trenton and Marley instead of Morgan, who would have immediately called her out on her lies.
“Don’t touch me,” she warned as Marley drew closer. She couldn’t stand the thought. Not when she’d never again touch the one person she’d chosen to tear her own heart out for.
“I won’t,” Marley promised. She pulled the shovel out of the ground and motioned toward Trenton. “Let’s get you back to the compound and clean you up. Look what you’ve done to all the work I put into healing you!”
“Don’t scold her, Mar.”
“Stay out of this,” Marley hissed back.
Elsie ignored them both. Miserable inside her own head, she spent the walk back imagining all the ways she’d apologize to Saint if she ever saw him again. There was only one thing left in the whole damned world she cared about, and she’d driven him away.