PENN
I don’t know how long we stay like this, tangled together in the middle of our bed with Aria’s head on my chest and my hand moving slowly up and down her back.
For the first time in too damn long, she’s here in my arms, and we’re just together.
I’m not trying to run from her questions, and she’s not looking at me like I’m hiding something awful like adultery.
Ugh, just the thought makes me sick. It still pains me that she would ever think I would consider another woman. Even though I’ve been distant lately, I would never betray my wife.
I press my lips to the top of her head and breathe her in. “Come on.”
She lifts her head and looks at me. She looks sleepy but curious. “Where are we going?”
“I’m going to run you a bath.”
Her lips part like she’s surprised, and that alone tells me how badly I’ve messed up. There was a time when taking care of her was the easiest thing I did. I used to know what she needed before she asked for it. Somewhere along the way, I stopped showing her that.
I slide out of bed and hold my hand out to her. She stares at it for a second before placing her hand in mine.
I lead her into the bathroom and turn on the water, letting it heat before I put a plug in the tub. Aria stands near the counter, wrapped in the sheet from our bed, watching me closely as if she doesn’t know what to make of this.
I hate that my wife looks surprised when I take care of her.
When the tub is full enough, I turn back to her and tug gently on the sheet. “Let me.”
She lets me pull it away, and my chest tightens at the sight of her. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and she’s mine. Every day, I’m thankful for what I have. Fuck, I don’t know who I would be if Aria hadn’t agreed to marry me because I would be lost without her.
I take her hand and help her step into the tub. She sinks into the water with a soft sigh, and I sit on the edge beside her.
She looks at me, surprised. “Aren’t you getting in?”
I grab a washcloth, dip it into the warm water, and run it slowly over her shoulder. “No, I was going to take care of you.”
She tilts her head at me. “You can do that from in here.”
I’m not going to argue with her because there’s no other place I’d rather be than with her body pressed against mine. I climb into the tub behind her, and she leans back against my chest and closes her eyes.
This right here is everything. Since the day we married, she’s given me everything without me having to ask. She makes my life better, and she deserves to have everything her heart desires. Even if I can’t give it to her. The thought sinks into my stomach.
I wash her arms, her shoulders, and the back of her neck. I take my time because I want to memorize this. I want to hold on to this version of us, even if it only lasts until morning.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
I shake my head and softly whisper, “Nothing is wrong.”
She turns in my arms to look at me. “You tensed up. What are you thinking?”
I shrug. “I was thinking about how much I love you and that you deserve everything you want out of life.”
She sighs and leans back against me. “I have everything I want. How can you think I don’t?”
Instead of answering her, I say, “I love you.”
She burrows into me.
I run the cloth down her arm and thread my fingers through hers beneath the water. “I mean it, Aria. I love you more than anything in this world.”
“I know,” she whispers.
But there’s something in her voice that tells me hearing the words is not enough anymore. I bring her wet hand to my mouth and kiss her fingers. “I need you to believe me about Nurse Jenner.”
She turns her head then, looking at me. “Penn—”
“No.” I shake my head. “I need to say this. I don’t ever want you thinking I would do that to you. I don’t want you wondering if I’m looking at someone else or wanting someone else. There is no one else for me, and there never has been.”
Her eyes fill, and I hate that I’m the reason. “I’m sorry I let you think that was even possible. That’s on me. But I need you to know I would never cheat on you, and I would never want another woman. Not for one second.”
She looks down at the water, and her voice is quiet when she says, “You can’t blame me for wondering.”
The words hit hard, but I don’t argue because she’s right. This wall I’ve erected between us has her questioning everything, and I don’t blame her.
She swallows and keeps going. “You told me there’s something you’re hiding from me, but you won’t tell me what it is.
So my mind went everywhere, Penn. Every bad place it could go.
” She looks back at me, and the hurt in her eyes cuts straight through me.
“You left me to guess. And when someone leaves you to guess, you automatically think the worst.”
I close my eyes for a second. Fuck.
“I know,” I say because there’s nothing else I can say without giving her the truth.
“And I hate it,” she whispers. “I hate feeling like this. I hate wondering what I don’t know about my own husband.”
I lean closer, resting my forehead against the side of her head. “I’m still your husband.”
“Then talk to me.” Her words are soft.
For a second, I almost do it. I could say it in one rushed ramble, and it would be out. But then I picture her face when she realizes what I can’t give her, and I lose my nerve.
“I love you,” I say again, even though it isn’t enough.
Aria pulls back just enough to look at me. “I love you too, Penn. But loving me means you don’t hide things.”
I don’t have an answer for that.
So I kiss her hand again and stay beside her until the water starts to cool.
The whole time, I keep touching her like I can make up for every way I’ve failed her, and that’s been a lot lately.