Chapter 12
Ivy
“Micah thinks he can pop into your life now? After all this time? Just give you a place to live like that’ll make everything better?
Like he didn’t abandon you?” Grandma cups her mug, glaring at its contents, then lifts her angry eyes to mine.
“Oh, Ivy. Please say you told him exactly where he can put that offer.”
I take a long drink of coffee. Then another. Then one more for good measure, wishing she’d gone for that fourth splash of Irish Cream.
“He says he didn’t know.” I lick my lips, aware I sound crazy. “He didn’t know about Nell.”
“That’s bullshit, Ivy.” She levels a finger my way, pacing back and forth in the tiny kitchen.
“You can’t fall for that kind of bullshit from him.
From anyone. I love you dearly but falling for bullshit is something you’ve gotten really good at.
Just because someone says something, doesn’t make it true.
It’s the actions we listen to. Not the words. ”
“Believe me. I was listening to his actions. I know it sounds absurd, but his actions are the only reason I didn’t tell him to stick his offer…” I take a sip of coffee to avoid cursing in front of my grandmother.
“Up his ass?” she supplies, arching a brow.
“Exactly.” I rest my elbows on the counter, hands cupping my mug.
“Micah didn’t know. It was written all over his face, clear as day, the total shock of it all.
He took one look at Nell and immediately saw she was his, the same way we see it, and he went pale and his eyes…
it was his eyes that really made me listen to what he was saying.
I swear, today was the first day Micah Hutton knew he was a father. ”
Grandma scoffs, then rests her elbows on the counter, mimicking my posture. “But how is that possible? How can he not know?”
“He says he never got my texts, and I didn’t go any farther trying to reach him.”
“You didn’t call?” Shock. It’s an expression I’m getting quite proficient at recognizing today. “Email? Send a carrier pigeon? Ivy…”
And now disappointment. Another expression I’d like to see less of.
“I didn’t call. Or email. I should have considered the carrier pigeon…” I smile and Grandma laughs, though it’s short and tight and lacks humor. “Dad told me Micah’s silence made it clear—”
Grandma pushes off the counter. “Of course it was your father. His favorite pastime is making the women in his life totally dependent on him and letting you think Micah abandoned you would be the perfect start to making you doubt yourself.” She holds up her hands.
“Sorry. Sorry. I shouldn’t talk shit about your dad. ”
I shrug. “It’s probably good for me to start seeing that side of him.”
“But not out of spite. Not because I’m angry.” She shakes her head. “The stuff your dad got wrong—and there’s a lot of it—is an important conversation, but let’s not get sidetracked from the important conversation we’re already having. How in the world did any of this happen?”
“You know how Micah texted me out of the blue several months after I gave up trying to tell him I was pregnant? And I was so offended because he acted like everything was fine? That’s because to him, everything was fine.
He had no idea what was going on and from his point of view, I just ghosted him.
” I explain how hard it was for us to talk back then.
“Between the time zones and Dad being weird about me turning in my phone at night, Micah and I could barely sync up. He said he was going crazy without me and broke his phone. His parents wouldn’t replace it until he got his act together, and when they did finally replace it, he got a new number for a fresh start.
Which meant every single text I sent disappeared into the void. ”
I pause, replaying our conversation for the hundredth time.
“He did say something about me breaking up with him, something I definitely didn’t do.
And there’s the whole question of why he didn’t bother to tell me what was going on, but honestly, I believe him when he says he didn’t know about Nell. ”
Grandma lifts her mug to her lips, then huffs a laugh. “I guess this means we don’t have to hate him anymore for being so damn good looking, right?”
Her words wade through all the muck in my brain. When they finally process, I frown. “I’m not sure I’m in the right frame of mind to joke about this.”
“First, who says I’m joking? That man is a looker.” She takes a drink, dropping me a wink over the rim of her mug. “But more importantly, it’ll do you good to find the humor in the situation. Life is only as hard as we make it. Hasn’t it been hard enough lately?”
I bob my head. There was a time when I would have laughed my ass off at the insanity of this situation.
When I would have sought a solution, then implemented it and moved on.
But now, my head is bogged down with self-doubt.
With questions and concerns. With the fear that I’m making a mistake by believing Micah, while being so sure most of what he’s saying is true.
Is that age and experience talking?
Or is it Julian’s voice, tearing me down instead of building me up?
“What are you gonna tell Nell?” Grandma asks.
“About which part?” I stare into my coffee. “There’s a lot going on I need to talk about with her.”
I’m leaving Julian.
We’re not going back to Seattle.
She met her father today.
And he offered us a place to stay.
“Do you plan to tell her Micah’s her father before you move in with him? Because that’s what’s happening, right? You’re going to take him up on this offer.” The way Grandma looks at me, like it’s a done deal and a no-brainer. I wish I had a fraction of that confidence.
“I don’t think living together is a good idea at this point.”
“This could be the perfect opportunity to mend your family. To get to know each other and move forward…together. Plus, you’d have a chance to see him without a shirt on and I think we can both admit that would make even the worst day better. We both saw that calendar.”
How can she be so certain of the future when the entire landscape of the past changed an hour ago?
“I don’t think there’s any mending here, Grandma. Micah was pretty upset.” I flash back to the office, where his eyes, normally so kind, blazed with hurt and pain. Micah always looked at me with love. This was the first time it was absent.
“Oh Grandma, I wish I’d called him!” I close my eyes and lift my face to the ceiling as guilt crawls up my spine to whisper in my ear. You make chaotic decisions. You make bad choices. You are the cause of everyone’s problems.
“You played a part in this Ivy, but so did Micah. If he’d told you his parents wouldn’t replace his phone, you wouldn’t have listened to your dad.
One call from you could have changed things, but one text from him could have as well.
At this point, you can get caught up in assigning blame, or you can make amends, admit mistakes, and figure out how to move forward.
The past is over. It only exists in here.
” She gently taps my forehead. “All we have is now. And what we do now shapes the future.”
I suck in my lips, inhaling deeply, as if I could breathe in her wisdom without having to learn through experience. “But that past—” I tap my forehead “—it’s been in there for so long. How do I put it down?”
“What you have to decide, sweet Ivy, is how you want your future to look, then make decisions that move you in that direction. Nothing good comes from living in the past. Learn your lessons and move on.”
Outside, Nell dashes through the yard with a palm frond in each hand, the long green leaves arcing behind her like wings. Ten bucks says she thinks if she can run fast enough, she’ll fly. It’s the source of every scrape, bump, and bruise on her tiny body.
I turn back to Grandma. “I guess Micah deserves a say in how…and when…and really even if we tell Nell he’s her father.”
“By making him part of that decision,” she says with a nod of approval, “you’re showing him you’re ready to move forward instead of looking back. You’re giving him the respect a father deserves when it comes to his child.”
“I just don’t know what to do in a situation where Micah might not be the bad guy. I’ve made every single Nell-based decision on my own…”
Grandma frowns and I immediately know what she’s thinking.
“That’s not exactly true,” I say, before she beats me to it. “Julian made a lot of decisions I disagreed with, but didn’t have the strength to fight him over.”
“So this time, be aware of that. Don’t let Micah override you. Hear what he has to say, but make your needs known, too.” Grandma’s smile says she knows that’s not always easy for me. “When are you moving?”
“I don’t know that we are.” I push off the counter and watch Nell through the window. “There’s a lot left unsaid between Micah and me. There was plenty said too. You know, yelling. Name calling. Some blame throwing. We didn’t exactly have a chance to iron out the specifics.”
“There’s your next step, then. Call that man up and start ironing.”