Chapter 13
Micah
Standing in Nathan’s office earlier today, listening to Ivy tell me she thought I abandoned her with our daughter, I thought I’d never forgive her. Several hours and a beer or two later, I’m less certain.
This is Ivy. Knowing she believed anything her dad said about me is a kick to the balls, but I’m working my way through it, one beer at a time.
“She wants to meet.” I hang up my phone and place it on the table I’m sharing with Angela at The Pact, unable to tear my eyes off it. “She called the foundation, talked to Nate, got my number and now we’re gonna sit down like two rational adults and discuss ‘what comes next.’”
“The table is small. Your phone is loud. I couldn’t help but overhear.” Any other day, Angela would crack a joke at my expense. That’s the way we’ve always been with each other. Today, she’s almost gentle. Like I’m fragile. Like she’s walking on eggshells around me.
I hate it.
“Ivy’ll be here at nine. Figured that’d give me time to sober up.”
“Yeah. I heard that too.” Angela drops a wink and flags down our waiter, asking for two coffees and two waters. “So, what are you going to do?” she asks after he leaves.
“That is the question of the hour, isn’t it?” I instinctively reach for my beer then slide it away. “This morning I thought I was helping an old friend. Suddenly I’m a father to a little girl I don’t even know.”
I always thought I’d be the dad who showed up at the school plays, the soccer games, and ballet recitals. I wanted to chase my kids around the house and carry them on my shoulders. I wanted family movie nights and inside jokes and teachable fucking moments. And I haven’t been there for any of it.
Fuck. My heart feels so hollow it hurts.
Angela covers my hand with hers and gives it a squeeze. “Are you still going to let them move in?”
“Of course they’re still moving in. I’m more determined to take care of them now that I know Nell is mine.”
Nell is mine. This rush of feeling stabs me in my aching, hollow heart. Pride and love and longing and sorrow for all the ways I’ve already let my daughter down.
“Of course. That’s just the kind of guy you are.” Angela sits back as our waiter arrives with our drinks. “How are things between you and Ivy?”
“I’d say, you know, based off the half hour we spent yelling at each other, the answer to that question is ‘not good.’” I take a long drink of coffee and a deep breath.
“There was a lot of shock on my part and anger on hers and then anger on mine and shock on hers and then we just kind of left without saying much to each other.”
Angela takes a deep breath and bobs her head, clearly unsure what to say. That’s fine. I’m happy to fill the silence.
“I thought about moving in with Nathan, you know, so Ivy and I could have space to figure everything out, but he asked Blossom and her girls to move in.” My attention shoots to the door as it cracks open and someone steps in.
Not Ivy. I refocus on Angela. “So, you better believe I won’t be anywhere near his place for a hot minute. ”
“You’re kidding me!” Angela drops her jaw and shakes her head. “Not Blossom and the girls…”
“Blossom and the girls.” I take another long drink of coffee while my mind replays the look on my daughter’s face when I walked into that office. Nell. My daughter’s name is Nell. Penelope Michaela Cole.
Not Hutton.
Cole.
Fuck. I take a long swallow of coffee.
“And we both think that’s going to blow up in his face, right?” Angela brushes a strand of hair out of her eyes. “The Blossom thing?”
I actually don’t give a fuck about Blossom and her drama. Not now. I hate it for Nathan, but I have my own stuff to worry about.
“I know I think that’s going to blow up in his face and based on your statement, I can assume you think that’s going to blow up in his face, so ipso facto, we both think that’s going to blow up in his face.”
My attention goes to the door again as an employee comes in for her shift. I yank it back to the conversation at hand.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Angela says. “I’m totally ignoring the fact that your life has completely—”
“Blown up in my face?” I make an exploding noise and puff out my hands.
The laugh that works its way up my throat sounds crazed.
I clear my throat and shake my head. The front door swings open and my head snaps up, attention locked on the entrance as a smiling couple walks through.
A glance at my phone says there’s still an hour until Ivy’s supposed to be here.
Just enough time to worry myself stupid.
Angela watches me with that gentle smile I’m starting to hate. The last time she treated me like this was when Tucker was in the hospital. I like it so much better when she’s giving me hell. “I can’t believe you have a daughter, Micah. I just can’t.”
If Ivy had tried harder to get a hold of me, this wouldn’t be an issue.
If she hadn’t listened to her father when he said I wasn’t responding because I’m a piece of shit…
fuck! How could she have listened to him?
I thought she knew me better than that. And that bullshit about not breaking up with me?
Those two texts were the reason I destroyed my phone in the first place.
Sighing heavily, I push those thoughts away to refocus on Angela. “I can’t believe it either, but there’s no denying that little girl is mine. The eyes, the cheekbones, the smile, even the way she introduced herself. ‘Hi! I’m Penelope Michaela Cole!’”
So much energy.
So much hope.
So much confidence.
I love her already and all I know is that she has her mom’s hair and my eyes.
Angela chokes on her coffee. “Michaela?”
“Michaela. As in the name Ivy always wanted to give our first daughter. I just stood there, staring at the poor little girl as it all slapped me in the face. I don’t think I’ve ever felt nothing before, Angel.
That’s the only way I can describe it. Nothing.
Like I was trying so hard to process what was going on that my body overloaded.
And then, when Ivy and I were alone, it all hit me.
Grief. Guilt. Anger. This overwhelming love for a little person I know nothing about.
If I felt nothing in the beginning, I felt everything by the end. ”
“I can’t even imagine.” She places her hand on mine.
“Maybe the three of you living together will be a good thing. You’ll get to know your daughter and she can get to know you.
Maybe you and Ivy can figure out a way forward.
I know how much she’s always meant to you.
It’d be nice to see your ‘Ivy face’ look all dreamy and wistful again. ”
For years, my cousins have teased me about my feelings for Ivy, saying they could always tell when I was thinking about her because of the look on my face. What would the look on my face say now?
“I told Ivy I wasn’t sure we’d ever be okay again. I mean, she didn’t even bother to call me, Angel.”
She puts a hand on mine. “I know, Mi. That sucks. That hurts. That’s—”
“Something I don’t know if I can get over.” I sigh. “I thought about moving in with Levi, but we’re so different, it’s hard to believe we’re brothers. I’m not sure that would be good for either of us.”
“If Levi’s your only option, you’re better off staying with Ivy.
Besides, you’ll have built-in time apart because of your work hours, but you’ll also have time together.
And that’s probably a good thing. I get that you’re hurt, and you have every right to feel that way, but you won’t stay mad forever.
This is Ivy. And if that’s not enough, there’s a little girl who deserves a chance at a happy family. ”
I’ve loved Ivy my whole life, and while that’s still mostly true, part of me still loves her, I’m fucking shell shocked she thought I’d let her raise our kid alone.
I drop my head into my hands then scrub my face and sit up.
“The twenty-four-hour shifts at the firehouse will help. You know, so I won’t be around the house all that much.
” Even as I say it, I feel a pang of regret.
I don’t want to abandon them again. “I can just, you know, hang around work more.”
“Will they let you do that? I thought they were pretty strict about the number of hours you’re allowed to work.”
“Like they could stop me if they wanted to. Besides, I’m the best grill guy they’ve got.
They’ll beg me to stay.” Working as a firefighter is a lot like joining a family.
We cook together, clean equipment together, work out together.
There are outreach programs to schools…it requires us to master so many skills beyond extinguishing fires.
“But I don’t even know that it’ll come to that,” I say. “Ivy…well…she’s Ivy. Her dad never liked me and he’s a big part of the reason she believed I could do something so…so awful.”
Angela looks like she wants to say something, but I’m already on a roll.
“And you’re right. If we’re living together, it’ll give me time to focus on my little girl. Getting to know her. Taking care of her. Being there for her in all the ways I should have been from the beginning. Ivy and me? We’ll keep things professional. Just friends, you know?”
“I think that’s—”
“A great idea? Yeah. I do, too.”
“I’m glad I came up with it.” Angela laughs, then drops a hand on the table. “I think I’ll finish this coffee then head out, unless you want me to stay until she gets here?”
The thought of Ivy arriving has me staring at the door again like a lost fucking puppy. I laugh at myself and sit back. “I’m losing my mind, you see that, right?”
“I felt that way when I met Garrett. It won’t be like this forever.”
“What happened between you and Garrett is nothing like what’s going on here. You guys had something special, right from the start. Everyone saw it but you.”
“You know what? You’re right.” Angela smiles like I’ve walked right into her trap. “This whole thing with Ivy is different than with me and Garrett. Because with you two, you already know how special she is.”