Chapter 20 #2
I pulled at her leathers. “No, no, no.” I frantically tried to see if there was another wound, but I saw no blood. I put my head to her chest, listening for a heartbeat. But the world outside was too cacophonous, and my own heart thundered in my ears.
The flames had engulfed the entirety of the road, taking shadows down with it. They howled into the night. There was no way I would have been able to hear her heart, beating or not.
“Don’t fucking leave me, Altanfall.” I put my forehead on hers.
“I need you.” They were words I had never said before, words I fought hard to never say.
But I didn’t care, not with her. My world was redefining itself the longer Hesper was in it, and I couldn’t let her go now.
The spark in my chest, always burning when we touched, raged hard in my chest.
Please, anyone, help us, I begged. Find us, save us. Hesper’s eyes fluttered open, and if I weren’t already on the ground, I would have collapsed in relief. But it was short-lived, for shadows began to encircle us once more, ignoring the fire consuming their comrades.
Was this it? Were we to die here? I had too much life left to live, too many memories still to make. Too much love still pent up in my bones that I’d never let out.
I couldn’t end like this—unfinished.
I let out a yell of sorrow, of rage, of the hatred perpetually roiling inside of me. The shadows stopped their pursuit for a moment. Just long enough for them to scatter at something even larger thundering through the dark.
A pack of golden horses appeared out of the fog and smoke, pulling a covered wagon cart behind them.
Ludwig’s toothy smile came into focus.
“Get in, get in!” he said hurriedly. The golden horses had burned the mist away fully and were unscathed by the flames licking at their hooves. Hesper threw open the wagon door and thrust me inside before jumping in herself. She shut the door behind her, locking us into the cramped space.
A small window in the wall above us opened up. Ludwig’s face poked through.
The scene was maddeningly confusing, but I was too numb with loss. We had survived, yes, but what now? I felt like I was underwater; the world around me was still moving, but I was in slow motion, barely able to keep up.
“Glad I found you when I did. You two hold on tight. I’ll get us somewhere safe to sleep for the night and then to Dwindle by sunrise.
The horsies keep us nice and safe on Irk.
No need to worry. Off we go!” He slammed the flap shut without another word, and the horses started up at an impressive speed.
Hesper was unnaturally still, staring at me with a blank expression in her eyes. I looked away and tried to take stock of our surroundings, a feeble attempt at tethering myself back into the here and now.
The wagon had a bed for a floor, one candle burning, and dark wood panels all around us.
No one would ever know Golden Isles horses, the rarest beasts in Nestryia, pulled such a simple space.
How they were here, I didn’t know. How Ludwig was here, I didn’t know. I couldn’t find it in myself to care.
How Hesper was now standing, I didn’t know. She had suffered major damage in that explosion. That, I did care for, even as my body tried to mute itself from the pain of losing our one shot at this quest.
“Are you all right?” I asked, still reeling from Hesper’s lifeless body only moments ago.
“Doesn’t matter,” she clipped, wiping blood away from a cut on her head. She looked me over, ripped a piece of her tunic with her teeth, and made her way over to me, blotting the blood on my nose away.
We were inches away from each other; I could feel her warmth cover my body, yet she was somewhere else entirely.
“Are you hurting? Do you need—”
“No,” she cut in. Her jaw was set, her eyes dark.
She didn’t elaborate; I didn’t press her for more.
“Anything broken?” she asked, barely looking at me and chewing on her cheek.
“No,” I said quickly.
But truthfully, yes. I was broken. The seeds were gone, my books were gone, my journal was gone. Everything was gone, turned to ash.
“Good” was all she said before sitting back down.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. Was she in pain? Why was she acting so differently?
“Doesn’t matter,” she repeated, staring at the floorboards.
The wagon came to a sudden stop, sending Hesper and me both tumbling to the straw mattress. Quick footsteps sounded outside, then Ludwig appeared, wrenching open the door flaps.
“Fast horsies,” he grinned. “We’ll set up camp for the night.”
Hesper didn’t reply, and I had no ability to drum up new words. I felt out-of-body, but we wouldn’t still be here were it not for Ludwig. I forced the words out of my mouth, knowing I sounded distant even as I said them.
“Thank you, Ludwig. For everything. You saved our lives—”
He cut me off before I could say anything more.
“Now, now, no need to thank me. I’m just doing my duty.”
“You are?” I asked, but in truth, I had no more room in my mind for his answers.
I couldn’t comprehend a single topic volleying my way.
Grief was overriding my system, and I was desperate to be alone.
I needed to think, I needed to reformulate a plan.
More than anything, though, I needed to sequester away with my own thoughts, let hopelessness course through me.
Being around people when I was in anything other than tip-top shape had never been my preference.
In Moss, if I was dealing with anything difficult or old wounds from the past had reopened, I’d hole up in my cottage for days on end—sadness unfettered and unending.
I craved that solitude so badly at this moment, it made my chest ache. But there was a Ludwig beaming in front of me, and a Hesper by my side.
“Oh, yes.” His loose front tooth wiggled, and he looked contemplatively at the sky. “I am Keeper of Irk Road and all!” he said cheerily.
“What?” I asked, a bit of the numbness giving way to surprise. That had to be impossible. He lived in Moss; I saw him almost every day. He couldn’t possibly have traveled to and from Irk that often. “I don’t understand.”
“Not all questions have answers!” he replied, still looking at the sky, his throat bobbing.
“But, to quench a few of yours: I provide safe passage along Irk to those wishing to do good. The horses sense that, not me. It was happenstance that we found you when we did, though. Well, the flowers helped. Quite mesmerizing they were, all those little yellow jewels leading us right to a big ole fire. That, I suppose, was the Fates. Those old gals always know best.”
That was impossible. Yellow flowers on Irk Road? But maybe I was in the business of impossibility these days, seeing as Ludwig was the Keeper of Irk. The facts were not adding up, though.
“But you were at my doorstep every day warning me not to come here.”
“Yes, and I meant it!” He laughed, now looking me in the eyes. And for the first time, I noticed quicksilver rimming his irises, the bug-ish glasses he usually wore no longer hiding them. He wasn’t just the Keeper of Irk Road; he was a seer.
My heart quaked, the familiar dread coursing through me. But it wasn’t the seer’s fault that my parents behaved the way they did. It certainly wasn’t Ludwig’s, either.
“Monsters do lurk about. Dwindle is—well, you’ll see—and I couldn’t have Moss knowing what I do for a living.
I’m the town’s old hoot, nothing more. It’s easier to slip out in the night when everyone believes you to be a little less than,” he said, a bit of sadness filling his eyes.
He had been playing a part for decades. But why?
“Now, I’m sure you’ve had quite the journey.
So, if you please—” He extended his arm out into the darkness, but the golden horses gave off just enough light that it wasn’t extremely terrifying.
Just fairly terrifying. But the abyss felt nice right about now, matching the way my heart felt perfectly.
Ludwig made quick work of setting up camp. He had a fire started in no time, with a small kettle hanging on a branch between the flames. He whistled as he worked, muttering and sputtering to himself. Finally, he filled two mugs with tea for me and Hesper before making his way into the darkness.
“Where are you going?” Hesper asked. Her first words to him this entire time.
“To sleep!”
“Please, take the wagon,” she said.
“I sleep with the horsies,” he replied. “Two will come with me, two will stay with you. Clara and you will take the wagon for the night. I loathe mattresses, much prefer the ground.”
Before we could argue more, Ludwig ambled off into the night, as eccentrically confusing as ever. We stared after him for a long while, until the warm light of the horses faded into the darkness.
“Well, that—” I began, but was quickly interrupted.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Hesper slammed down her tea, the contents spilling out onto the ground.
“What are you talking about?” I whispered angrily. Could Ludwig hear us through all the gloom?
“Back there!” She pointed wildly behind her. “You could have gotten killed.”
“I needed to save the seeds,” I bit back. “I did what had to be done!”
“Like hells you did.” She ran her hands through her hair, grasping hard at the roots. “You were inches away from catching yourself on fire, Clara. You can’t put yourself in danger like that.”
“Put myself in danger?” I no longer whispered.
“I tried to save our only hope! I tried to succeed on this Goddess-damned quest! And I know it doesn’t matter to you—” My voice was rising, my heart quickening.
“You’ll go back to Eldrene whether I succeed or not.
But I’m the one who has to face the reality of losing the seeds.
I’m the one who has to face losing you.”
Hesper’s face fell. My shoulders slumped.
I didn’t even care that I’d said it aloud.
That I’d finally admitted to Hesper and myself that there was more at stake for me than just going home or not after this was all over.
She was a part of it, too. Even though I’d fought for that to not be the case.
But I didn’t have any fight left in me to stave off the truth tonight.
I buried my head in my hands, grief overcoming me.
“Clara.” Hesper rushed over, pulling my hands away from my face, any hint of her anger completely gone.
“It’s over,” I cried. I couldn’t keep back the tears now. “They were all I had. I’m going to fail this quest. I can’t grow a garden in a month without magic. I’ll—” My voice cracked. “I’ll never be able to go home.” Sobs rocked me now.
“Clara, listen to me.” Hesper carefully cupped my cheeks with her hands. “You are so much more than those seeds. It is you who was sent to Dwindle—not your seeds, not even your magic. You.”
“But that’s not enough,” I said through the tears.
“Yes, it is,” she said, tears now in her eyes, too. “Yes, it is, Clara Thorne. You are light, and you are wonder, and I…”
She took a deep breath. “We can find seeds elsewhere.” She wiped away the tears on my cheek.
“And besides, you didn’t lose everything,” she said, sitting back on her heels.
“What do you mean?”
She reached into her cloak and pulled out several crumpled pieces of paper.
“What—”
“I saved all the ones you threw away.”
All my discarded words that I believed were nothing. I thought she was throwing them into the fire, but she had been saving them.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because you wrote them.”
And then my mouth was on hers, breathing her in, tasting every bit of her. Lemon, salt sea, whetted stone. She tasted like the summer, like strength, like everything I could have ever wanted.
“Clara,” she rasped. My name on her lips sent me into another place, another realm entirely. I’d never had this type of need for someone—primal, undeniable. No matter how hard I fought against it, the wildfire always blazed for her.
I had seen enough fire tonight.
It had to be quenched.
She tore my cloak off, and I hers. We were both on our knees, feeling our way up and down each other’s bodies.
Goddess, how long had I needed to do this?
How long had she? We touched each other like we had moments before the world itself spun into ruin.
She hooked her hand behind my knee, flipping me onto my back.
She towered over me now, slipping off her leathers and throwing them to the side.
“Hesper,” I said. She placed a finger over my mouth and kissed down my neck onto my tunic. She bit my nipple through the tunic, and I moaned.
“Shhh, princess.” She picked me up easily, slamming open the wagon door and carrying me inside. The doors closed behind her. “Ludwig is just outside, and I’ve got work to do. Can you keep quiet for me?”
I silently nodded.
“Good girl,” she growled.