Chapter 47
FORTY-SEVEN
ARYELLA
The gods had mercy on me, because I dreamt of him.
We were in the hot springs. My arms and legs were wrapped around him, just as they had been last time.
Only this time, instead of burying my face in his shoulder to avoid the risk of temptation for us both, he held my face in his hands and kissed me. Slowly. Passionately. Unreservedly.
There was no Molochai in this dream. No Simeon. No mysterious entity with its ice-cold, bruising hands around my neck. No Elias Winterton. No war or death or blood or screaming. There was only us in the dream, I was safe .
When I was shaken awake, my pillow was damp with tearstains.
“Abram’s here.” Mina brushed a piece of hair from my sleepy face and checked my forehead for a fever. “He says he has something you need. Do you need help getting up?”
That felt like Mina’s nice way of saying, Get out of bed and start taking care of yourself or we’ll drag you out and do it for you.
I cleared my hoarse throat and sat up, wincing. “I’ll be okay.”
Abram peeked in the doorway with a small glass bottle in hand. When he saw how slowly I moved, he entered and hurried over to me.
“I’ll come to you.” He covered the distance with his long legs. “How are you feeling?”
All I could muster was a quiet “Hurts.”
His eyes warmed with compassion. “Did you take the medicine I gave you? For the pain?”
“It helped.” But it couldn’t do a thing for what hurt the most.
“Good.” Abram set two glass bottles on my bedside table, then squatted down to meet my eye level and lowered his voice.
“Listen, I don’t know the full extent of what happened to you last night.
It’s up to you if you want to share, and whatever you choose to tell me is confidential.
I’ll help in any way I can.” He pointed to the bottles.
“But I want you to have these. On the left is a fast-acting contraceptive, in case you ever need it. On the right is long-term. You take a spoonful once a week.” He noticed my eyes widening in horror.
“It’s very normal,” he assured me. “I’d say about three-quarters of the women in this fortress use it.
I wasn’t sure you knew that you had the option, and I wanted to make sure you do. ”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and croaked out, “Okay. Thank you.”
He nodded, brushing his palms over his knees as he stood.
“Please come to me if you need anything else.” I looked up into Abram’s caring eyes and felt gratitude settle in my chest. “And—” He glanced behind him like someone might hear.
“—the commander was wrong to react that way. I’m sorry I called him in. ”
I wanted to tell him not to blame himself. That Elias was responsible for his own actions. By the time I found the courage to form the words, he’d already left.
“ Shera? ” I called down the pathway, having not checked for hours. She couldn’t know what had happened or how Elias had reacted. I worried she’d rip out all their throats in Gavin’s stead.
“I’m here.”
“Are you okay?”
“ I’m… sad. ” Her sweet voice sounded so young. So tired . He had saved her life, too. “ But I’m okay. ”
“Me too. I’m sad, too.”
We both knew sad didn’t cover it.
“We can’t give up, Ary. It’s not what he would have wanted.”
“I know. I just ? —”
“One of us will be back to check on you every few hours,” Mina chirped. “We brought you back some breakfast. It’s there.” She pointed to the table in the center of our room.
My eyes flashed from the food to the twins. They were getting their boots on. It had to be past breakfast by now, and it was a sparring day. I stood with a pained groan and hobbled over to the table.
“Can you wait five minutes, please?” I asked before inhaling a mouthful of lukewarm scrambled eggs.
“Why?” Mina questioned warily at the same time Mavic demanded, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to eat. Then I’m coming with you to training.”
They hummed in simultaneous disapproval.
“No.”
“Not a chance. You have broken bones.”
“I’ll heal soon. I think I am already,” I told them, not entirely sure it was true. “Benefits of magic.”
“Soon isn’t right now,” Mavic objected. “If Winterton has a problem with you skipping out, I’ll tell him to shove it up his ass.”
“I’m not going for him!” My fiery words burned my tongue on the way out, surprising even me. “I’m sorry.” I calmed myself with a deep breath. “But I’m going. Please don’t try to stop me. I’ll use my queendom against you.”
Mavic snorted and narrowed his green eyes. “You wouldn’t dare. On us ?”
I shrugged and took another bite of eggs.
The urge to laugh was there, even if I couldn’t find it in me to do so.
I wanted to curl back up in bed. I wanted to sleep the day away inside his sweater and pretend none of this was happening, but Shera was right.
It wasn’t what he would’ve wanted, and I’d be damned if I was going to let either of us down.
I could feel trickles of power slowly returning. Still, going to training with a broken wrist and ribs was especially stupid, but I had to turn my mourning into rage or I would fade away. For now, I would try to ignore the pain and just heal the worst of my injuries when my power fully returned.
I limped across the courtyard and into the main hall behind the twins. Aghast faces turned to look at me from all angles. Elias started jogging toward me as soon as I entered the room.
“Fera,” he urged when I brushed past him toward a corner mat to stretch. When he noticed my limp, he winced and reached for my arm. “Let me?—”
“No!” I yanked myself out of reach. “I don’t want your help.”
“I need to speak with you.”
Last night, I needed him to care . So today, I ignored him.
“Fera, please.” With a resigned sigh, Elias gripped my elbow again and dragged me aside. When he noticed me flinching at his grip, he pulled back. “I didn’t handle what happened as well as I should have. I owe you an apology for that.”
What happened.
The phrase echoed in my mind. He didn’t even know what happened, though he spoke of it like he had a right to.
“I’m sorry,” he implored, searching my face.
“Come on.” He reached for my hand. I jerked it away.
“Fera, please talk to me. I fucked up, all right?” His voice dropped low to ensure only I could hear him.
Because gods forbid he allow anyone else to witness his humility.
“What I said about you not being careful enough…”
My fingers white-knuckled around the cloth I was wrapping my hands with.
“It was wrong, and I am sorry .” He shifted to get me to look at him, his voice lowering. “You were right.”
I froze outwardly, but my stomach dropped.
“As soon as I left the infirmary last night, I went looking for Gerard and the others. They’re gone, just as you said they’d be.
I sent soldiers after them, but… regardless, I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.
Once they’re found, they’ll truly be punished.
I’m sorry,” he said again, “but last night, all I could think about was that they killed the B?—”
“Stop!” I croaked, biting my tongue to keep from cursing at him. “Just stop,” I repeated, hoping that if I gave him an answer he’d leave me alone. “I hear you.” Then, I nodded toward the mat. “But I have sparring to do.”
“Don’t you think you should take a day or two?” He winced at my heated scowl. “We’ll move you into a fully private room while you heal. Whatever you need.”
Oh, now he cared about what I needed.
“Put me on the mat,” I finally said.
“What?” His eyes shot wide. “You can barely walk.”
“Believe me, I’ve been in worse shape.” At least, my body had been, because not much was physically worse than having your organs ripped out. “Let me spar.”
He glanced at the horde of adversaries eyeing my bruised body like a fresh punching bag. His jaw twitched. “Absolutely not.”
“Commander, I am asking?—”
“You could die.”
“They haven’t killed me yet.”
“And now you’re hurt, and you’re tired!” he hissed. “Today, they could kill you, despite my rules, and I won’t risk it.” He shifted closer, the back of his hand brushing against mine. “Fera, I know I fucked up, but I’m not going to pretend that you don’t matter to me far more than I exp?—”
“You say you’re sorry,” I cut him off and jerked away, unwilling to listen to another word.
“You want to make it up to me?” I twisted my ratty hair into a messy bun with aching, trembling fingers.
He flinched as his eyes raked over the bruises painting my wrists and forearms. “Then put me on the mat.”
He shook his head, more resolute than I’d ever seen him. “No. You need to rest and?—”
“Put. Me. On. The. Fucking. Mat! ” I snarled.
He searched my face. For a weak spot in my resolve, maybe. He wouldn’t find one. I didn’t feel like I had much to lose today.
“Fine.” He shrugged off the jacket of his leathers and unsheathed his sword and daggers from his belt. “Let’s go.”
“What?”
“You want to fight, Fera? Let’s fight.”
“I don’t want to fight you ,” I sneered.
“Tough shit,” he snapped back. “It’s me or no one.”
Wanting someone to hurt was uncharacteristic of me.
I didn’t usually have that kind of bloodlust. I hadn’t decided if that made me weak or not.
Today though, as I looked into Elias’s all-too-beautiful eyes, I knew I wanted to make him hurt.
I wanted him to feel even a fraction of what I felt last night.
“Fine,” I grumbled.
At my acknowledgment, he began to circle me on the mat while everyone watched. “Are you going to strike first?”
“Are you ?” I snapped back.
He stopped in front of me and shook his head, eyes pleading. “You know I won’t.”
“Then you’re a coward.” I threw a sloppy punch. He caught my wrist, then the other.
“Maybe,” he muttered, spinning me around in his hold and carefully pinning my arms across my chest. For the first time, Elias Winterton was astonishingly gentle with me, and yet, he beat me anyway. “You can’t make me hurt you, Fera.” His pained whisper brushed against the shell of my ear.