Chapter 9
chapter nine
Present Day
He looked so…peaceful. His eyes were closed, and his lips were pressed together, but they were relaxed.
They weren’t pursed or turning into a frown.
His mouth was just closed. Despite the monitors beeping around him and the oxygen cannulas in his nose, Tobi looked like he was just taking a nap.
A very much needed nap. A nap he’d been waiting to take for ten years.
The nurse said he was finally out of the danger zone and that his vitals were slowly climbing.
They’d called me because of how desperate it was looking for a while there.
His stomach had to be pumped, his blood pressure was dangerously low, and his body temperature was the same, not only because of the alcohol poisoning but because he’d passed out in the snow.
It took over an hour for someone to finally call an ambulance for him. He’d been lying face-down in the snow, covered in his own vomit that’d come up while he was unconscious, and he had a vodka bottle right beside him.
The idea fucking sickened me. If only I’d been there to help him sooner.
How long had Tobi been drinking like that? How many times had he passed out from too much, right on the verge of the same fate? I had so many questions I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answers to.
I bit into the skin on my thumb, tearing a piece of the nail and skin away. My other thumb was already bleeding, torn open from the inside out, pouring my worry out in droves. Self-cannibalization, as Jack so kindly labeled it.
Was he in pain? He looked so peaceful that I couldn’t imagine he was, but I still wondered. Could the organs still feel pain when we weren’t awake? If they could, I wished I could soothe his.
The door slowly creaked open as Jack entered the room with one of his arms full of two Styrofoam containers and small matching cups. “I hope you like turkey sandwiches and apple juice.” He whispered.
“You don’t need to whisper, Jack.” I held my hand out to grab mine from him. “If he was going to wake up just from us talking, I would’ve been screaming this whole time.”
“You’re a bit dramatic, don’t you think? I was just trying to be respectful.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, man.”
The turkey sandwich looked sad. Which, I guess, made sense, seeing as it came from a hospital cafeteria. I ate it anyway, refusing to leave Tobi’s side for anything until they kicked me out—even if it meant eating the sorry excuse for bread and meat.
Jack took a seat in the chair next to me, picking up a slice of bread and spreading mayo across it. “Did the doctor say anything about when to expect him to wake up?”
“Anytime in the next twenty-four hours or so. As long as his vitals keep rising, they expect to hold him for observation for a few days and then release him.”
“I don’t like the idea of him going back to the streets after this.”
I popped the plastic tab on the apple juice without ever looking away from Tobi’s sleeping form. “I don’t plan to let him. I’m going to ask him to come stay with me.”
Jack let my words sit in the air for a moment before letting out a long exhale. “Do you think he’ll agree?”
“I’ll argue as much and as long as I have to. He’s coming home with me, right where he belongs.”
He didn’t have anything else to add to that. Jack had left the bar to Mav and Melissa so he could stay with me. I was really fucking lucky to have a friend like him.
Just as I was about to stuff the final bit of my turkey sandwich into my mouth, I noticed movement in front of me. It was Tobi. His eyes were fluttering, and his hands curled into fists, gripping the bedspread surrounding him.
I closed the container and handed it to Jack, who took it blindly as I leaned forward in the chair.
I wanted to reach for him, cradle his face in my hands and look into his big, gorgeous brown eyes and tell him I still loved him.
Tell him I still needed him on this planet, so he better not scare me like that again.
My hands shook to do it, the blood pumping in my veins bubbling and burning with the pure need to feel him.
But I contained myself and waited, watching helplessly as Tobi—now a stranger—slowly opened his eyes.
There was nothing else I was allowed to do. He wasn’t mine anymore.
He closed his eyes again, squeezing them as his eyebrows furrowed, creating lines on his forehead.
He looked like he was in pain, and I wanted to take it away from him.
Instead, I simply pressed the call button that was sitting right beside his hand and waited until he opened his eyes again.
When he did, he jerked away, blinking rapidly and looking around the room frantically.
I moved right in front of his eyes and whispered to him. “Hey, hey, you’re okay. You’re in the hospital, but you’re safe.”
The door opened just as a nurse walked in, a big smile on his face despite the situation. “Oh, good, you’re awake. You had us scared for a minute there, Tobias.”
Tobi eyed him wearily as he came around his bed and started looking at the monitors. I bent down again, speaking only to Tobi. “He’s a nurse, Tobes. He’s just checking on you, okay? You’re really sick right now.”
“My name is Hayden. I’m just going to check a few things really quick, get some more medicine going in your IV, and then I’ll be completely out of your hair.”
I watched as Tobi looked at Hayden from the side, still unsure, but nodded anyway.
Hayden didn’t take very long before he stepped back and gave us a smile.
“He’s doing pretty good, all things considered.
For how worried we were, it seems he’ll make a full recovery.
He’ll stay for observation for the next day or so.
” He pulled out a tiny notepad from his scrub pocket.
“Which reminds me, we just need to know if you’d be willing to meet with an addiction counselor while you’re here.
The one on call is absolutely wonderful.
Her name is Anna, and she’d be really happy to meet with you and help you figure out some long-term recovery options.
Think about it and just let one of us know.
I’ll come back by in a couple of hours to administer more meds. ”
“Uh, I don’t think he can really even process what you’re saying yet. I’ll talk to him when he’s a bit more alert.”
“Of course. Take your time.” Hayden gave us one last head nod before walking out of the room.
Tobi had watched him the entire time, eyeing him warily before finally looking up at me. “What happened?”
I turned to Jack and nodded toward the door. “Give us some privacy, please.”
“Why’d Jack come?”
The door clicked shut, echoing in the room like some sort of warning. Maybe it was a sign. Of what, I wasn’t sure, but the flutters of blade-tipped wings in my stomach were pushing me closer and closer to the edge. Fuck a silent disco, this was pure chaos.
All I had to do was put a foot forward, and I’d be tumbling. Falling. Rolling down a mountain I couldn’t get back up from.
Tread carefully, Callum.
Taking a deep breath, I sat back in the chair and lifted my head, looking right at him. “Because I was too much of a nervous wreck to drive myself.”
Tobi’s eyebrow twitched. It was only for a moment—barely even a split second—but I saw it. I saw the recognition.
Wringing my hands together, I tried to ignore how much I wanted to pick and tear and bite. “I’m still your emergency contact?”
He turned his head, looking straight up at the ceiling instead of at me. He was avoiding looking me in the eye. “Yeah. I never did meet anyone else worthy of bein’ that for me. No matter what, I knew you’d come for me if I needed you.”
“You’ve got a lot of trust in me still, then. All these years later.”
“The trust I have…er, had in you is a rare kind. I trusted you completely. You were, and still are, the only taste of peace I’ve ever known.”
I huffed a humorless laugh. “You say that. Look where we are now.” Leaning back in the chair, I rested a leg on my knee. “What do you remember? Before waking up just now.”
He shrugged. “Walking to the subway. I wasn’t sure if I’d make it. It was really fuckin’ cold, and I remember thinking about how much I’d drunk. Other than that, nothing.”
The way his accent fluctuated was equal parts interesting and heartbreaking. Hearing the evidence of how much had changed in the time we’d spent apart—it was cruel. “Alcohol poisoning, Tobes. You could’ve died.”
His eyes fluttered closed, his eyelashes brushing against the tops of his cheeks.
I envied them, oddly enough. I wanted to touch him there.
Be so close, I could feel his warm skin against mine.
Was it smooth, like I remembered it being?
Or was it rough and textured, changed after years of a life I’d not gotten to be a part of?
“Makes sense. I did drink quite a bit really quickly.”
“You were passed out in the snow. You almost drowned in your own vomit. You could’ve died. Does that not concern you? Not even a little bit?”
Sighing, he turned his head back toward me, a new sadness glossing over his eyes. It was unfamiliar, and I wanted to banish it. “I’m not sure what you want me to say. It’s par for the course, I guess.”
“Par for the fucking course?” I was in pure shock. How could he phrase it so carelessly? As if we wouldn’t be completely broken if he’d died that way. “You may not care about your well-being, but I do. I fucking do. Speaking of…you didn’t tell me you were homeless.”
His eyebrows rose. “How the fuck do you know that?”
“Jack.”
“Oh, of course. Should’ve known.”
“He didn’t know that I didn’t know. But that’s not the point.”
“And what is, Callum? Hm?” He tried to sit up, wincing as he put weight on his wrists. After struggling for a moment, he seemed to give up, letting his body fall back against the bed. “There’s no point to be made. It just is what it is.”
Shaking my head, I rubbed a hand over my face as I tried to find my resolve. “Come home with me. Sober up. Get your shit together. Just please don’t go back to the goddamn subway or anywhere else where this can happen again.”
“That’s funny. That’s a funny joke, Callum.”
“I’m not fucking joking. Do you see me laughing right now?”
He rolled his eyes. “You should be because that’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said to me.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why won’t you just do it? Take the olive branch I’m giving you.”
He sighed, looking back up at the ceiling, the only other place to look. “I don’t need help. I don’t wanna owe nobody. I’ll figure my shit out, like I seem to always do.”
“Owe someone?” Frustration replaced the butterflies in my stomach as I growled a bit under my breath.
I stood from the chair, starting to pace the room in front of him.
“You wouldn’t owe me shit, Tobes. Not a dime.
Can’t you see? Don’t you understand?” I turned on my heel, standing right in front of him, looking at him even if he wouldn’t look at me.
“I can’t lose you. I lost you for ten years, but at least I knew you were alive.
I can’t lose you again. I can’t lose you permanently. I wouldn’t be able to handle that.”
My blood pumped in time with my heart that was pounding relentlessly in my chest. Tobi’s eyes narrowed, his pupils seeming to darken.
Or maybe they were just getting distant.
Sadder, if that was possible. “The worst part of it all is that I know y’all would get over it. Over me. Eventually, anyway.”
“You think I’ve just gotten over you?”
“What other choice did you have?”
I closed my eyes as they started to burn, unwanted tears forming once again.
“I thought about you every single day, but I couldn’t bring your name up anymore because it killed Crew to think about you.
I couldn’t speak your name into existence, so instead, I searched it.
I searched for obituaries. I searched for articles.
I searched and searched, even though I knew you didn’t want to be found.
I just wanted to say your name again. If I never got to see your beautiful fucking face, at least I could’ve talked about you, but I couldn’t because you hadn’t just left me—you left all of us.
And all of us missed you so much that it broke our hearts to say it.
“Crew thinks it was his fault. He blames himself all over again. He misses you so much that he can’t handle the idea that you’d just leave us for no reason.
I told him I saw you, and I swear to god, it looked like I’d dragged him right back to Tiger Claw Camp with you.
Jesse, Liam, and Isaac will talk about you every now and then, but it’s barely a whisper and barely a hope.
We learned to stop hoping a long time ago.
Sometimes, Price will be doing prep, and he’ll just stop.
He’ll stop, step back, and look up at the ceiling with a smile that looks so fucking painful on his face.
I don’t have to ask him what he’s thinking about because I know it’s you. ”
When I opened my eyes again, I let the tears slowly fall down my cheeks as I looked at him.
His cheeks were wet, gleaming beneath the shitty, horrible hospital lighting.
I opened my mouth, and my voice had gone hoarse, cracking at the start.
“So, no, we didn’t get over you. We didn’t forget you.
We lost you, and I, for one, never stopped looking for you.
I don’t want to let you go again. Please fucking come home with me.
Let me help you. Let me be your friend instead of the stranger you turned me into. ”
Tobi sniffled and looked away for a moment, doing nothing about the tears that were freely falling down his cheeks now.
All I could do was anxiously wait as his lips twitched and his nostrils flared before finally, finally, he looked at me.
“Okay. Fine. I’ll come home with you. But you’re asking an alcoholic to enter your life, Callum.
I ain’t the same guy from ten years ago. I never will be.”
“Isn’t the first step to recovery admitting you have a problem?”
“I guess so.”
“Then I think we’ll be just fine. You’ve already taken the first step.
” I sat back down in the chair, looking over every inch of his face.
He still looked like him. His hair and his beard needed some major TLC, but he was still my Tobi.
Even if I couldn’t love him like I used to anymore, I’d sure as fuck take care of him like I did.
I’d do anything as long as it meant he’d stay.