Chapter 10
chapter ten
My chest was too tight, and my ears had started to ring. I wasn’t seeing clearly anymore. I didn’t know what I was looking at, but it wasn’t the world I was supposed to be seeing. “Why the fuck would you let him just leave like that? He was just starting to detox!”
Hayden put his hands up in defense. “He was discharged AMA. There was nothing else we could do.”
“This is bullshit. Bullshit!” I turned away, hissing through my teeth as panic raced through my entire body.
It was hot. I was hot. Everything was fucking hot.
Sweat was beading along my forehead, threatening to drip into my eyes.
Would it burn? More than everything already was.
I wondered just how bad it could be. I wondered if it would feel better than the rage and fear and pure fucking panic churning in my gut already. “Did he say where he was going?”
“No. I’m sorry. I know this must be a shock, and I know how worried you are, but we legally couldn’t do anything. He didn’t say where he was going. In fact, he didn’t say anything at all except that he wanted to check out AMA, which we are legally bound to let happen.”
Something about the legal part started to sink into my brain. We were right outside what had just been Tobi’s room an hour prior, standing in the hallway. I was sure I looked like a real fucking asshole. Taking a deep breath, I stepped backward and tried to find some semblance of composure.
When I thought I could look at Hayden without freaking out all over again, I forced my voice into submission, trying to keep it from wavering too much. “I’m sorry. I really am. I’m just freaking the fuck out.”
“It’s okay. I won’t say I understand because I’ve never been in your situation, but I can comprehend it.
Right? I get it. I truly, honestly wish there was something I could do or something I could say, but there isn’t.
” Hayden sighed and shifted on his feet.
“I’m not sure what happened. I’ve told you everything I know.
But I’d start looking around the city. Go to bars first, AA meetings next, and other hospitals last.”
The idea of finding him in another hospital or bar simply made me want to throw the fuck up.
The city was big, too. Too big. I’d never be able to find him on foot.
“Okay.” I nodded, trying to accept what he was saying.
“Okay, I can do that. Thank you. Again, I’m really fucking sorry. I’m kind of losing my shit.”
“Like I said, it’s okay. The hospital is full of high emotions. I never take anything personally. I’m very sorry that this happened and that it took you by such surprise. I’ll be wishing you luck. And if you need anything, just come find me.”
What else was I supposed to do? This was too much.
Too much of a shock. My breaths were coming out in heaving pants as I marched down the halls of the hospital.
Black swirls and specks had started to take over my vision, and no matter how hard I tried to blink through them, they didn’t seem to go away.
I was just here. I had just been here. He’d left while I was still here.
Shaking my head, I realized the black spots weren’t going to go anywhere if I didn’t try harder to calm down. I stopped by a wall near the vending machines, leaning my shoulder against it as I tried to gain some semblance of self-control.
I needed to call someone. But who? Who could I possibly call? If I called Crew, he’d freak out. If I called Price, he’d tell Crew, and then they’d both freak out.
Scrubbing a hand over my face, I groaned into the empty air around me.
Papa always said hospitals were where souls lingered.
He said guardian angels would roam the hallways, protecting the ones worried and grieving on the floor of life instead of from the skies.
The stars were usually their eyes, watching from above, but they’d send their best ones down to the land of the living to silently, invisibly comfort the ones in dire need.
I wondered if one was watching me right now, and if so, whose angel was it.
Mine? Papa’s? Tobi’s? I wish I knew. I wish I could see them, but the ceiling covered the stars.
I couldn’t feel anything around me, and I was the one who wasn’t here when I should’ve been, so I doubted there were any around me.
Fucking fuck. I pulled out my phone and dialed Jack’s number, despite having just put him through hell.
“Callum? What’s up?”
The car ride all those years ago came to mind. I’d gotten Tobi into my car as fast as possible after locking up The Arch, trying to beat the worsening winter storm. He’d looked so numb. So distraught. I’d asked him what was wrong, and his voice had been so fucking small. So sad. So scared.
“It’s about Tobi.”
“It’s Crew.” Tobi had whispered.
It had been so difficult to see through the snow pelting down on the windshield. I’d still been shaking from the panic I could hear in Price’s voice. “What about him?”
“What about him? Is everything okay?” Jack pressed. It sounded like he was still driving.
“Crew’s gone.”
“Tobi’s gone.”
The other end was silent except for the sound of wind whipping through his car. I let him sit in my words for a moment, knowing I would’ve needed the same. When he finally said something, he cleared his throat. “How?”
The same question I’d had. “He left AMA. I guess while we were taking Pops home and grabbing my car, he’d decided he didn’t want to come with me.”
“Fuck.”
“We’ve gotta find him, Jack.”
He sighed. “I hear you, Cal, I do. Why do you think he left?”
I shrugged, turning so my back was against the wall, and looked up at the ceiling. The fluorescent lights were almost too much of a strain on my eyes. Too loud. Too bright. “Maybe he got scared. I don’t know. It’s hard to accept help, so maybe he just panicked.”
“Or he isn’t ready. I own a bar. I see it all the time…”
I squeezed my eyes shut, not sure if I was ready to hear what he had to say. I wasn’t ready for my heart to hurt. “Please don’t.”
“…People say all the time that they’ll get better. They’re ready. They’re going to go through with meetings and recovery, and they’re going to dive in headfirst. The next day, they’ll be absent. But by day two, they’re back. Drinking until I have to cut them off or call the cops.”
After all the hope I’d finally gotten to cradle with my own two hands? After the years of pain in our separation, I’d finally seen a glimpse at a reality I could accept. I could see the stars and wonder if someone really was still looking over me.
Now what?
I couldn’t handle it. Tears burned the inner corners of my eyes. “But he said yes, Jack.”
“I know.”
“I’d just gotten him back.”
“I know.”
I sniffled. “I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, huh? He’d tried to warn me, and I didn’t listen.”
Jack’s turning signal clicked in the background. “I’ll help you look for him, but we may just have to wait. Who knows, maybe he’ll show back up.”
Shaking my head, I wiped the stray tears that’d fallen down my cheeks. I started to walk forward, passing the room Papa had just been discharged from. “If we don’t find him, I won’t get my hopes up again. Not like that. I can’t go through this again.”
“Go home, Cal. Feed the pup. Feed yourself. I’ll close the bar early and come help you look for him after you’ve had time to decompress.
You’ve got the day off, and your grandfather just got out of the hospital, so maybe stop and see him for a little longer.
I know you were in a rush to get back to Tobi when we took him home earlier. ”
Decompress. As if that was something I could even consider right now.
The moment I closed the front door behind me, I heard the telltale tippy-taps of Fishbowl running through the house. He ran straight for me, sliding down onto his front paws as his entire body shook with excitement.
I bent down to pet him, but he was so excited to see me that he just couldn’t handle it.
His tail wouldn’t stop wagging as he started spinning in circles, whining and huffing for attention I couldn’t reach to give him.
“Come here, Fishy.” I laughed, trying to catch up to him so he would calm down enough to get what he was begging for.
After a moment, I stood and shook my head, rounding to the couch instead.
The moment I sat down, Fishy did a running jump, his short, stumpy legs and oddly long body landing right beside me on the couch.
His excitement and his floppy black ears made everything seem okay, if only for just a moment.
I could always count on him to make me feel better.
“Come here, bud.” I opened my arms, letting him practically tackle me with his entire twenty pounds of pure love. He kept huffing and panting as he tried to contain himself. “Hi, Fishy. I see you. You missed me, huh?”
All I got in response was him seemingly finding the off switch in his body to settle down, resting his head right on my thigh.
I patted down his head, making sure to scratch the white fur on his throat.
He was a silly-looking thing, but he was mine.
My little Fishbowl, too small to contain the big amount of excitement he seemed to have inside of him.
Jack would be coming by soon. I rubbed one of Fishy’s ears as I talked to him.
“Pops is out of the hospital. That’s who you smell on me.
He’s settled in and doing well at home.” His big, dark eyes were peering up at me, not daring to look anywhere else.
“And I have another person I hope you can meet. He’s an old friend of mine.
Which, calling him a friend just feels wrong on a hundred different levels, but it’s all I can really call him right now.
Maybe an acquaintance at this point. You’re probably going to pee with excitement when you meet him. If you meet him. I hope you meet him.”
God, I hoped he’d meet him one day. But I wasn’t supposed to be hoping right now. I’d done that already, and the relief that’d followed had been ripped straight out of my chest. I leaned my head back against the couch, still petting Fishy with one hand as I stared at the ceiling of my house.
It wasn’t dark enough outside to see anything in the sky.
The wooden structure blocked it all out, anyway.
Though if I were going to hope for anything, it would be for something to be watching me.
Waiting for me. Waiting to be able to tell me it would all be okay.
I had to believe that—I had to hope for that—or this would all be for nothing, and I’d have nothing left to believe in.