Chapter 25
chapter twenty-five
The cold breeze felt good on my heated face. I pushed off the concrete on my porch just enough to make my chair rock gently. Opening my eyes, I turned my head to look at Tobi, who was sitting in Papa’s chair, his eyes closed just as mine were.
His beard was gone. I kind of preferred it that way.
All it’d done was hide him from me further, and I didn’t want that.
Beneath it all, Tobi was still there. I’d been searching for signs that he was—that the man I’d sworn my life to twelve years ago still existed.
I finally had proof. I finally had hope.
I could see the smile lines I didn’t cause to form and the new scar just above his lip where his mustache had previously lain.
There was evidence of his existence etched into his skin, and all I wanted to do was stare at it.
The lines in his lips were deeper than I remembered them being, mixing with the slightly chapped outline, stopping right before his cupid’s bow.
They tasted sweeter, too, melding perfectly with the cracks in mine.
Oh, how lucky I was to know him now. As a man more mature than our barely adult selves.
As a person who understood life’s way of kicking us in the ass when we were already down.
How lucky I was to know he was alive.
How lucky I was to know he was still mine.
How lucky I was.
Tobi still hadn’t opened his eyes, letting the wind and the rocking chair move him as they pleased. He looked peaceful and healthy. All he needed now were his glasses, and he’d be just like I remembered him.
I planted my feet flat on the ground, making the chair stop. “Hey, do you not wear glasses anymore?”
Finally, those big, gorgeous brown eyes looked at me.
All this time later, and I still got flutters in my stomach from his gaze.
“No. Not that I don’t need them, but an ex of mine broke them about five years ago.
” He shrugged. “I haven’t had insurance since leaving and getting them replaced was too expensive. So, I just got used to it.”
“That should be a number one priority when you get a job. I can’t believe you’ve just gone without all these years.”
“Eh. I’ve been told I can be stubborn.”
I huffed a laugh, looking out over the porch banister. I didn’t really mind the cold anymore, but I was pretty eager for spring to come and clear out the snow. Shoveling it was getting tiring, and I still needed to do Papa’s driveway.
The thought came out of nowhere. It was autopilot. Something I usually wouldn’t have to think about. And now I did. “Oh, fuck.” My voice broke as it hit me again for what felt like the millionth time. I leaned forward, clutching at my chest as I waited for my breath to filter back into my lungs.
“Cal? What’s wrong?” Tobi was already at my feet, a hand resting on my shoulder.
I shook my head, trying and failing to keep the tears from flowing. I didn’t want to cry anymore. When would I run out of tears? It was so unfair. So fucking unfair. “Papa. I thought about shoveling his driveway. Like I normally do every snow.”
“Oh, baby.” He leaned forward, resting his forehead against my shoulder as he rubbed up and down my arm. “I’m so sorry.”
“Fuck. I thought the funeral would help. Seeing him be buried, you know? That way, I wouldn’t be able to deny it anymore, and I’d know he was resting safely underground. But no. The most random shit reminds me of him, and I’m on the floor, holding him all over again.”
Tobi leaned back, resting his palms on my knees. “Was someone able to go with you?”
“Yeah. Yeah, Crew, Price, and Jack all came with me. They were the ones who knew Pops the most.”
“I’m really glad. I wish I could’ve been there with you.”
I shook my head, sniffling. “No, you were getting help. That’s enough for me.”
“I thought about you while I was there. At least, I did when my brain stopped feeling like complete mush. I thought about Grandpa Stanton, too. I bet he was pissed when I left, huh? I can see him in my head cussin’ up a storm about me.”
At first, I smiled because, yeah, he did.
Then I reached out and held Tobi’s face in my hands, looking into his eyes.
I saw Papa in them—just little pieces. His kindness.
His will. His determination. His fucking stubbornness.
They were both the most stubborn people I’d ever known. “He told me you’d come back to me.”
“He did?”
“Yeah. I told him you seemed lost. He told me I didn’t need to help you find your way; I just needed to be there when you finally did. He had no doubts you would. The only thing I’m pissed about is the fact that he also told me he’d be here with me when you did. And he isn’t.”
Tobi turned his head and nodded toward the rocking chair. “Yes, he is, Cal. He’s right there, sitting with the love and care you put into makin’ it. I bet he’s watching over us right this second.”
“He’s probably telling me he told me so, huh?”
“Oh, I know he is.” Tobi wrapped his fingers around my wrists.
“I don’t really know what kind of thing I believe in when it comes to the afterlife.
I’m not really set on one thing or the other.
But I do think that, when someone dies, they don’t fully leave.
I think he’s everywhere. In the sun. In the snow.
In the warm feeling you get in your chest when you think of your good memories with him.
He ain’t fully gone, Cal. He’s still here, cheering us on from the sidelines. Or the sky. Or wherever he may be.”
It was a comforting thought. Especially since I was never raised religious—I wouldn’t even know where to start with believing in heaven or hell.
But Tobi had a point. “Maybe he’s in my memories, too.
In the lullabies, I remember him singing to me.
In the coffee table I made, with our names under the glass.
In the way I miss him.” I pulled my hands away, leaning back in the rocking chair. “I think that’ll be a good reminder.”
“I think so too. He’s stubborn enough, right? He wouldn’t just completely leave you alone.”
I caught myself leaning forward, wanting to do nothing more than kiss Tobi square on the forehead.
Was I allowed to do that? I was the one who said we needed to start over.
The idea of going back to the beginning seemed so silly and pointless, though.
How could we erase everything we had when our hearts already knew each other so well?
We needed to talk at some point. I needed to know if I could kiss his forehead. Know if I could love him freely after hiding it away in the deep recesses of my mind just to keep myself functioning.
I had to know where we stood, and I think he needed that, too.
But for now, I got up from my chair and waited for him to follow.
There was someone else who’d been waiting to see him, and now that Tobi had helped stave away my impending silent disco breakdown, I thought it was only fair that Crew get to see him for more than a couple of minutes, too.
And Fishy. Couldn’t forget about Fishy.