Chapter 26
chapter twenty-six
I shed my coat alongside Callum, opening the closet to hang them up together. Surprisingly, there was no Fishy tornado coming at us this time.
Callum laughed from behind me. “Hey, C. Is Fishy hogging your lap?”
“He sure is. He’s comfy as all get out, too.”
I followed Callum further into the living room, taking a seat on the lone chair instead of the couch. Crew was on one end, Callum sat on the other, and Fishy might eventually take the spot in between them. Who was I to deny the most precious boy his very own space?
He was perfectly content on Crew’s lap, his eyebrows shifting with every movement of his big, dark eyes. I loved the way his floppy ears moved so freely with every small shift of his head.
Once I got comfortable, I finally looked Crew in the eyes. He was already smiling, bringing his hand over Fishbowl’s back to pet him. “So, you’re not dead.”
Well, that hurt. A lot, actually. Something had started to squeeze my heart—something with sharp, pointed claws, perfect for maiming.
The bad thing about being sober for more than seven hours was how clear everything was and how easy it was to look back on the past decade and realize just how much I’d fucked up and just how devastated everyone must’ve been.
I’d spent so long thinking they’d hate me that I’d forgotten how much they loved me. They’d been grieving me for years, and I was none the wiser, thinking they’d simply move on because I was replaceable. That I was forgettable.
How stupid of me.
After quickly reeling myself back in, I took a deep breath. “No. No, I’m not dead.”
He’d noticed the long pause, now looking at me with something much softer in his eyes. Was it worry, or was it sadness? I wasn’t sure anymore. “I missed you.”
“I missed you, too. At least, I did when I allowed myself to. I kind of kept myself pretty numb and occupied, if you know what I mean.”
One of his eyebrows shot up, but only for a second before he shrugged. “I know a lot about hurting yourself to make it all stop on the inside.”
My eyes flicked to the scars along his arms, if only by instinct.
Yeah, he did. We’d both been hurt by the same person, and in turn, we’d both turned to hurting ourselves.
What were the odds? “I know. I also know this won’t change anything, but I am sorry.
I’ve been sorry since the day I left, but I didn’t think I could come back.
None of that’s an excuse, but I mean it. ”
“You were gone for a really long time, Tobi. We hurt for a really long time. I can’t say that I’ll accept your apology right now, but if you stick to being sober and you don’t run away like that again, I think there’s a pretty good chance I will eventually.”
“Yeah, I think that’s completely fair.” I shifted in the chair, trying to swallow back the exhaustion that was catching up to me. “I promise to gain your trust back. Everyone’s trust.”
Fishy decided he’d had enough of Crew’s lap, jumping off the couch entirely to lay on the hardwood floor. Crew took that chance to turn his body toward me, looking straight into my eyes. “I’m still sorry too, you know.”
Shaking my head, I already knew what he was apologizing for. “It was never your fault, Crew. Ever. Not Thompson. Not me leaving. Nothin’.”
“Not for that, Tobi. I mean, yeah, I still feel some guilt for that, but that’s not what I mean. I’m sorry for not being there enough. Not pushing you to get help sooner. For not being the kind of friend you obviously needed back then.”
“Even if you’d talked my ear off about gettin’ help, or therapy, I wouldn’t have gone. It wouldn’t have made a difference. This was the path I was set on, and it was the path I took. I think I was always gonna come back to y’all. I just needed to break before I could even think of gettin’ better.”
Callum nodded beside Crew. “I think that’s why they call it rock bottom. Can’t start climbing until you’re there.”
I scoffed at myself. “Yeah. Living in someone’s bar as an alcoholic, gettin’ alcohol poisoning only to go out and drink again after running away when offered help, and watching…
” I shook my head, feeling choked up all over again.
“Watching you suffer. Hearing you so broken when I was nothin’ more than a semi-functioning drunk.
All of it broke me. All of it was my breaking point.
All of it showed me that I hated where I was. ”
“You gonna take our help now?” Crew raised an eyebrow.
“I’m gonna do my damned best to. I’ve been a mess for so long, I got a lot to clean up, but I’m ready. As long as it’s step by step, and with the support of y’all, even though I don’t deserve it.”
“We’ll be here every step of the way. All of us.”
It was so weird how different yet similar Crew still looked. I’d thought seeing Callum for the first time was odd, and now I understood that time didn’t make someone completely different. They were still themselves, just older. Just with small changes.
But someone’s core values and personalities didn’t change just because their ages did. My heart still recognized Crew, just as he still recognized me, despite my complete failure of existence as a human.
It was comforting, as it was saddening. And terrifying. I’d missed out on so much, yet so little, all at the same time.
Clearing my throat, I locked my fingers together.
“Thank you. Uh, speaking of steps, I have a lot of packets to read over about recovery options. I don’t really like the whole AA approach, but I still need to think about it.
If I don’t do AA, I think the addictions counselor at the hospital mentioned outpatient therapy with someone specializing in addiction.
I think they got group therapy too. All I know is that there are a lot of decisions, and I need to make ‘em fast, or I risk relapsing.” I sighed.
“As much as I wanna think my sheer determination and will could get me through, I ain’t stupid.
I’ve been drinking for so long, it’s more likely for me to relapse than it is for me to not. ”
“You’re one step closer than a lot of alcoholics.
” Callum’s grin was barely there. His eyes looked so sad.
So glossy. “You want to quit. You’re ready to.
You’re choosing life over alcohol. You’re choosing us over it.
Choosing me.” He looked down at the floor.
“That’s a lot more than I can say for my parents.
So, I think you’ll be just fine. It’ll be hard, but we can prepare for hard.
We can’t prepare for having no will to quit because you won’t be able to stay sober if you don’t want to stay sober. ”
Crew was nodding along. “Exactly. We’ve got your back as long as you have your back as well. We can look over the options when you aren’t so tired. I can tell you’ve had a rough week.”
“That would be an understatement.” Withdrawal took so much energy out of my body, I was curious how long it’d take to get it all back. I wondered if it was permanent for a second, too. Like maybe a piece of me had been taken by the alcohol, and I’d never get it back.
That didn’t matter for right now, though. For now, I wanted to catch up. Find my place again with the people who’d meant so fucking much to me.
I asked Crew to fill me in on everything I’d missed. He told me about how famous Fire and Ice had gotten and how Price had now been on multiple TV shows, including ones with Gordon Ramsay. Callum told me about his grand idea to open a new location, and Crew told me that it was in progress.
Willow had a partner now. Their name was David, and they had just spent their first Christmas with the OG staff.
Willow was doing great in her field, having climbed her way up the chain as much as she could.
Crew and Price had bought a house in a nice little suburb.
Jesse, Liam, and Isaac were still as wonderful as ever, living in a nice, big apartment right in the middle of the city.
Although my life seemed to have stopped so long ago, theirs had taken off. And through it all, they’d missed me. A lot.
And I’d missed them, too.
I’d taken the best nap of my fucking life.
I was out for a total of five hours, waking up groggy and feeling like I was in a whole new dimension.
Crew stayed with Callum while I passed out in the guest bedroom, cradling the soft sheets against my cheeks, enjoying the feeling of a real bed beneath me for the first time in a really, really long time.
The hospital bed had felt like heaven at first, but now that I knew what a real bed felt like again? Oh, it couldn’t compare.
Once I’d crawled out of my little cave, I’d ventured back downstairs to sit with Callum and eat the dinner Crew had prepared. Our first meal together since I’d come back.
Well, I’d always been here. I’d just lived life like a ghost.
Crew left not too long after helping with the dishes, finally going home to his husband after staying with Callum for seven entire days. And now, it was just me, Callum, and Fishy.
The entire thing kind of felt like a dream—the same kind I’d have when the man I was staying with at the time would get more aggressive than usual, and I’d need some sort of escape from reality.
My brain would conjure up a million scenarios and make me dream of them.
I always thought it was sadistic. How fucked up was it that I had to endure the thing I wanted the most in a dream, only further proving to myself it’d never happen?
But now it was. Callum and I were sitting side-by-side, the sides of our thighs slightly touching each other. He was warm, and like a reptile to a heated rock, I was mesmerized. Stuck. I craved it, and I craved more of it, which was so fucking weird.
Even when we’d been dating, I’d have to take breaks from physical touch. Now, it was like my body had been so deprived that my brain no longer cared. Callum was safe. Callum was everything. Callum was mine, and I was his, and that made everything alright in the world.
“Tobes?”
I turned to him. “Yeah?”
“Where are you going to stay?”
It took me a second to process what he was saying, my brain still struggling to stay present.
I thought about it for another second before shrugging.
“I’m not sure. The bar definitely isn’t an option.
No matter how determined I am, that would be far too much temptation, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to test my will that much.
I did it that one night, and I’m not sure I could do it again. ”
“Yeah, makes sense.” Callum swiped a hand down Fishy’s back. “You could stay here, you know. Use the guest bedroom until, um, we sort things out.”
I wasn’t really expecting that. I’d just gotten out of the hospital, and so far, I didn’t have the most trustworthy track record. “You don’t have to offer me that, Cal. I don’t even got a job. I’d just be taking from you with nothin’ to give.”
“I want to offer it. I, uh…I want you here. Unless you don’t think that’s a good idea.”
He wanted me here? My heart started to beat faster against my ribcage—this time, it wasn’t from anxiety. It was something far different. Something much sweeter. It was hope, almost. Hope and the overwhelming love I’d ignored for so long.
I didn’t like owing anyone. I liked to figure shit out for myself. Letting someone help me made me uncomfortable. But if I went back to the streets or back to Jack’s bar, I knew what would happen. I’d lose all the progress I’d gained, and I wouldn’t be as close to Callum as I wanted to be.
So instead of arguing like my instincts were telling me to, I nodded. “Yeah, that sounds nice. If you’re willing.”
“Willing? Of course I’m willing. You’re my—” He paused, his lips barely twitching. “You’re special to me.”
I liked being special to him. “You’re special to me, too. Really special. So I’m gonna try really hard not to fuck this up.”
“Just don’t run away again, and we’ll be fine. Even if you do slip up, I’ll still be here as long as you’re still here.”
For the first time in years, I realized I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to run. I didn’t want to keep running and leaving my problems behind because I knew they’d still be there, and I’d still be miserable.
Being sober was weird. My head was mostly clear, my heart wasn’t covered in cobwebs, keeping all the emotions at bay, and I could finally see a reason. I had a reason to want to stay sober. Not just for Callum, but so I could be with Callum.
I wanted to experience life like I used to, without alcohol to blur and numb everything. I didn’t want to be a liar or a thief anymore. I didn’t want to just exist—I think I wanted to actually live again.
How odd.
How fucking odd it was to have lost my will for so long, only to see it so clearly after going through hell.
I held my hand out beside my thigh, palm up. “Things are going to get hard. I’m going to want to drink. I’m going to feel a lot of shit I’ve not let myself feel. Are you ready for that?”
Callum slid his palm against mine, locking our fingers together.
He squeezed our hands, looking down at them.
“For better or for worse. That’s what I’ve been prepared to say to you since our first date.
It’s more than a vow, Tobes. It’s more than a promise.
It’s a devotion. If I wasn’t ready, I would’ve given up a really fucking long time ago. ”
Our hands looked so perfect with our fingers cradling each other’s skin. It was everything I was choosing to fight for. Everything I’d ever wanted.
Lifting his hand to my lips, I pressed a kiss to it, savoring the moment after losing so many before. “Thanks for not giving up, even when I had. We’ll get our red cake one day. I promise.”
It was more than a promise, just as he’d said. It was a devotion and a vow. With our souls as our witness, I’d keep my word this time.