Chapter 36
chapter thirty-six
Everything was set up, ready for when Tobi got home.
Jack stood by the porch railing while I gently rocked my rocking chair, letting the breeze take my hair with it.
It was starting to get dark, the last evidence of dusk slowly disappearing as the moon got ready to take over. I was anxious. What else was new?
Jack sighed, crossing his arms. “He’s gonna love it, dude. You just like to freak yourself out over anything and everything.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “That’s par for the course. Be nice to me.”
“Why do I have to be nice to you?”
“Because you love me and value our friendship.”
He raised an eyebrow. “That’s pushing it.”
“Oh, shut up. Just humor me, then. Let me freak out.”
“No, no, no.” A gust of wind blew through, making his shirt flare. “This is me valuing our friendship and loving you. You’re freaking out over nothing, so I’m going to tell you it’s nothing.”
My car pulled into the driveway just as he finished his sentence. I was absolutely having a silent disco in my head, and there was nothing I could really do about it. I’d just have to wait and see his reaction.
Jack grabbed his keys from the small porch table. “Alright, man. Have fun. Wear a condom.”
I leaned forward, putting out my cigarette in the ashtray and shooing him away. “Wow. Okay, dad. Just get out of here.”
“You’re welcome!” He shouted from down the steps.
He passed by Tobi, giving him a quick goodbye. Tobi scrunched his eyebrows together, walking up the chairs. “Why was he in such a rush? He not stayin’ for supper?”
I had to clear my throat to get anything out, all the words I’d usually be able to say jumbling up. “Uh, no. No, he was helping me with something is all.”
“Hm.” He took a seat on the rocking chair beside me, sighing as he sank into it. “Well, this is nice.”
“It is. I just wanted to take a minute out here, you know? Watch the sun go down.”
I watched as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, enjoying the light breeze as he rocked.
Yeah, this was the best way to start the night off. Just us together, watching the world go by around us. No rushing. Just existing.
After a few minutes, I reached over and took his hand in mine. “How was therapy and the meeting?”
He squeezed my hand gently, not opening his eyes.
“It was good. Kathleen was really proud of me for sticking to the meetings. She was right, honestly. All the people in the room know exactly what I’m going through, and so far, none of them have tried to push me into following the step program. I was worried about that at first.”
“I’m proud of you, too. I’m glad they’re helping you.”
“Yeah, I’ll probably move on to scheduled group therapy at some point. Just to have that sense of community somewhere still.”
I smiled at him, though he couldn’t see it.
I was just so fucking awed by him and how far he’d come.
Sometimes, I wondered about where he’d be if I hadn’t kept looking for him after the hospital.
Would he still be on the streets, looking for alcohol wherever he could get it, or would he be six feet underground after one too many bottles?
Fuck, I was so lucky to have him.
I stood from the chair, holding my hand back out for him. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
He let me help him up, groaning when something in his leg popped. I knew that feeling all too well.
I went inside first, despite what chivalry demanded, and made my way straight to the dining room. Everything still looked good, or at least as good as I could make it.
Tobi called out from the living room. “Where’s Fishy?”
“He’s happily hanging out in his kennel in the guest room. Come here, I want to show you something.”
My heart was hammering in my chest, and the disco was in full swing in my mind. On the outside, I was calm. Silent as I watched him turn the corner into the dining room.
Tobi looked down at the table, his lips parting as his eyes widened. “What is this?”
I pointed at the green sheet spread out on the table, the vase with white flowers, and the fancy pasta plated up in our usual spots. “Our first date. Just twelve years later.”
He smiled through a laugh, taking it all in. “Holy shit. No fuckin’ way. You even got the sheet!”
“I even have the sheet. I had Jack go pick it up from the store for me on his way here.”
“Is this what he was helping you with?”
I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. “Maybe. I was kind of a wreck, honestly. I was just nervous.”
He walked the distance between us, cupping my face in his hands to give me a kiss. “I love it. And I love you.”
“I love you too, baby doll.” I nodded down at our plates. “Wanna see if I’ve improved the recipe any better?”
“Absolutely, I do. I bet you have.”
We picked up our forks at the same time, both with pieces of penne on them, and brought them to our lips. Just like on our first date, we both moaned at the taste, savoring the cheesy, basil goodness.
“This is so good,” Tobi mumbled.
“Definitely better than I remember.” I was glad we’d waited a little while. The pasta wasn’t too hot to shovel into our mouths anymore, which we definitely did.
I even spilled some on the green sheet by accident, but I was too busy enjoying the reward for my work to really pay it any mind.
Tobi wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Oh, did I tell you Price is gonna put me on the grill station for a full service tomorrow?”
“No. Are you excited?”
“I’m anxious about it, but I’m also pumped. I’ve missed cooking, honestly. Doing it here at home ain’t the same.”
I smiled, pushing my empty plate back a little. “I know you have. I’m really happy for you, baby.”
He laid his arms on the table, just looking at me with some kind of sparkle in his eyes.
I gravitated toward it automatically, finding myself wishing I could fall into it.
A spark of light amidst the brown, so warm and gorgeous.
“Things really haven’t changed all that much, have they?
We’re both workin’ at Fire and Ice. We both love each other.
You still don’t like cooking all that much, but you still did it to impress me.
We’re back to the way things were before. ”
Shaking my head, I placed a hand on his arm. “So much has changed. Nothing much, yet everything at the same time. Like me touching you. Like us living here instead of in that shitty apartment. Like how much closer I feel to you. Everything has changed.”
“Do you wish things had gone differently?”
“Not a chance.”
He tilted his head. “That was a quick answer.”
“It was an easy answer. I wouldn’t change any of this for the world, baby doll.
I don’t think we’d be where we are if we hadn’t gone through…
” I waved my hand around. “Everything we’ve gone through.
Do I want to rewrite the past for you, and kill the ones who failed you?
Do I wish Papa were here? Yeah. But I don’t think it’d have been the same. ”
He picked up his plate and reached over for mine, standing with them. “You’re right. I think, in the end, this was exactly what was supposed to happen.” He turned, making his way to the kitchen sink. “Let me put the dishes up this time. You can go start Ghostbusters.”
The first movie we’d ever watched together. The same movie that’d become a comfort for him. The same movie I’d watched over a hundred times by now, every time spent thinking of the man I’d missed more than anything in my entire life.
This time, Tobi sat right beside me, curling up into my side with my arm wrapped around his shoulders.
He’d turned the lights off, leaving nothing but the TV’s glow to surround us.
We were nothing like we’d been back then.
We answered to the same names, but we were entirely different people with entirely new love in our hearts.
It was far more intense. Far more fulfilling. It was everything—a nebular explosion in the sky as a new beginning opened up and gave us something entirely new.
Not even halfway through the movie, I realized that the watchful eyes I’d been feeling were Tobi’s. When I turned my head, he didn’t shy away. He was just looking at me. Staring at me. But it was so much more than that.
How could eyes hold so much emotion?
There were rolling fields of daffodils and trees with mockingbirds on their branches, and the sun was shining so bright, and so warm—all I wanted to do was curl up in them. Find a home in them. Love him from his eyes and let him into mine if it meant he could see how much I adored him.
He reached up, cradling my jaw as he pressed our noses together. I rubbed the tip of mine against his, feeling his skin on mine and the warmth of his breath, pretending it was the sun in his eyes.
We didn’t need words. We didn’t need direction. When we kissed, it came easily, and that kiss was proof of everything having a reason. It’d all had a reason. Every sleepless night, every worried Google search, every panic attack, every anxiety attack, every racing thought…
Everything came down to this.
To us.
And I wouldn’t change it for the fucking world.
I held the back of his neck as I moved our kiss deeper, bringing my tongue over his, tasting him at the purest level.
I needed him close. Closer. I wanted him to fit inside my heart, so I could keep him there forever.
Not because I was scared of losing him, but because I knew I wouldn’t, and there’d never be enough to satisfy my need for him.
He pushed his hand against the back of the couch, using it as leverage to straddle my lap.
Our heads clashed together, but that didn’t stop us.
No, we didn’t even pause. Instead, Tobi laughed into our kiss, and I took it.
I couldn’t get enough of it. His laughter tasted so fucking beautiful, I would’ve destroyed the entire universe to get more.
Of course, I had to ruin it by whimpering the moment he started to kiss from my jaw to my neck, tilting my head to give him all of me. Every inch. Every last molecule. “Tobi, please…”
He pulled away, whispering. “Please, what? What do you need?”
Reaching up, I held the sides of his neck, gazing into the fields of daffodils. “I want…” Shit, my heart was pounding again. “Will you fuck me?”
His eyes widened, his eyebrows raising. His glasses slid down his nose a little as he stared back at me. “You want me to do that?”
“If you’re, um, okay with it.”
“You’re sure?”
I nodded, biting down on my bottom lip.
“Have you ever bottomed before?”
Looking off to the side, I started to evade the question altogether. I stopped myself, whispering to him. “I’ve never had sex before. I want my first time to be with you.”
“Oh, Callum.” He rested his forehead on mine, closing his eyes. “Fuck, you wanna share that with me? Really?”
“Yeah, I do. I’ve never wanted to share it with anyone else. Just you, Tobi. It’s always been you.”
“Jesus.” He panted before slightly shaking his head. “God, I love you. Do you have lube? And condoms?”
My cheeks got warmer, thinking back to earlier in the day. “I bought some at a different store while Jack was getting the sheet. I knew I wanted to ask, and I know you didn't test positive for anything at the doctor, so, um, if you wanted to go without a condom, I’m also okay with that.”
He straightened up on my lap, his eyes flicking over my face before a smile started on his lips. “Yeah, baby. That sounds amazing.” He glanced at the couch before getting off me. “But we’re gonna have to move to our bed.”
Our bed. We’d have to move to our bed. The same bed I’d been waiting so anxiously to do this exact thing in since I’d thought of the idea.
With sunlight trailing his heels, Tobi led me by the hand up the stairs and into our bedroom, bypassing the guest room.
Fuck, I liked our bed a whole lot more when it was our bed, and not just mine.