Chapter 37
LEXI
Friday night rolled around, and this time, instead of Jonah taking me out to dinner, he’d suggested we spend the night at my place.
“Can Jonah play with me some more?” Evie asked, reaching for Jonah’s hand. We’d ordered take-out and Evie had been thrilled to spend her evening with the two of us at home.
He looked down at his hand, surprised at her touch, but Evie didn’t notice, and she was jumping up and down in excitement.
I closed my eyes for a second, horrified at how comfortable she was getting with Jonah. “No,” I exclaimed, putting a hand out to stop her when Jonah put a hand on my arm.
“If Evie wants a tea party, she’ll get one,” he said.
My jaw dropped as I watched him let Evie pull him to her room.
“I’ll join you in a few minutes,” I called, as I cleaned up the dinner table.
Ten minutes later, I walked up the stairs to Evie’s room.
From the doorway, I saw Jonah, still in his tailored suit, sitting cross-legged on the floor.
Across from him, with a plastic tiara perched on her head, was Evie, sitting with her Anna and Elsa dolls on either side of her, and Olaf right next to Jonah.
The space in front of them was set with plastic cups, and a chipped teapot. Jonah held a tiny cup with his pinkie finger extended. Evie was pouring imaginary tea into his cup and was completely in character.
“You need to drink more tea, Prince Jonah,” she said, her voice sweet and innocent.
I blinked, unable to tear my gaze away, when they became aware of my presence.
Jonah glanced up at me, and I froze in the doorway.
“Mommy!” Evie beckoned me over. “Join us! We’re having a royal tea party.”
I hesitated, torn between wanting to laugh and be a part of it at the same time. Jonah raised his eyebrows as the moment drew out.
“Are you shy, Mommy?”
“Well, I’ve never met Prince Jonah before, you see,” I said, walking in slowly.
Jonah’s gaze was on me all along. “Oh, you have,” he said.
Evie looked between us in surprise. “Have you had a tea party with Prince Jonah before, Mommy?”
Jonah was hanging on to my every word.
“I did, but back then, he was more of a rake than a prince.”
Evie looked confused. “What’s a rake?” she asked.
“Someone very impossible,” I explained as Jonah leaned in closer.
“Is that a challenge?” His voice was low as his breath fanned my cheek.
I was saved from answering when Evie handed me a cup of imaginary tea.
“Here you go,” she announced.
I sank to the floor and accepted the cup.
“Thank you, Princess Evie,” I said, mimicking Jonah’s pinkie extension. “This tea is fantastic.”
Evie beamed, and I shot Jonah a bemused look.
A few minutes later, when Evie rubbed her eyes for the third time in a row, I excused us to put her to sleep. Jonah waited in the living room while I lay in bed, reading a bedtime story for Evie. She fell asleep before the story was done.
When I walked back, I found Jonah curled up on the couch. I joined him, resting my head against his shoulder.
“A rake, am I?” he asked, looking very much like he wanted to take me right then and there and prove it.
I laughed. “I needed a word Evie wouldn’t understand,” I said. “Though I was most surprised to see you playing tea party with Evie.”
Jonah gave me a gruff look. “There isn’t a man alive who can say no to her request for a tea party,” he insisted.
He tilted his chin to a picture of gramps and me that I’d placed on the bookshelf, next to other more recent pictures of Evie and me. With Gramps’ toothy grin, and my shining eyes, the love was real in that picture. “Is that your Grandad? The one you told me practically raised you?”
At that moment, my defenses weakened, and I leaned into him sideways.
“Yes,” I said, putting my arm around his waist and setting my head on his chest. “I was probably ten years old in that picture.”
“You look happy,” he said softly, his hand coming up to stroke my hair.
“I was. He made everything feel safe, you know?” I paused, feeling the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. “Even when things were falling apart between me and my mom, he was my constant.”
“He’d be proud of you now. Of the way you’ve built your life, and how you are with Evie.”
I looked up at him. “You think so?”
“I know so.” He kissed the top of my head. “That kind of love doesn’t disappear when the person’s gone. It becomes part of who you are.”
Looking up at him, with no pretenses but simple gratitude for the kindness he’d shown me and my daughter, I said, “Thank you, Jonah. It means a lot to me.”
That night, as we lay in bed, the two of us spent, but still naked and wrapped in each other’s arms, I chanced a glance at Jonah.
He had spent the past twenty minutes after recovering from the latest orgasm, simply studying my body.
He had kissed, licked and whispered things to the various little birth marks on my shoulder, the stretch marks on my belly, and the little freckles on my face.
It was adorable and more than a little intimate. As though he was memorizing my imperfections and approved of them, wholeheartedly.
When he dipped his head to kiss a small spot on the crook of my elbow, I sighed.
I couldn’t get this man.
He looked up at the sound, “What’s wrong?”
I traced my finger over his arm, feeling the hardness of his biceps.
“You’re too used to keeping people at arm’s length, Jonah.
You need your boundaries and personal space.
I don’t. When I get close to people, I share everything I can with them,” I paused, meeting his eyes.
“I-I struggle with that when it comes to us, and how you treat me.”
Jonah considered it. He turned on his side, propping his head up on his hand, looking like he was settling in for something serious.
“What do you want to know?”
It felt so flat, so uninspiring that I shook my head. “Nothing, forget I even said this,” I said, laying back down on the bed while Jonah scooted in closer to me, his gaze flicking between my eyes.
“I mean it. What do you want to know?”
“Well, you didn’t tell me about the women in your life,” I asked, trying to deflect some of his intense attention from me.
He took my hand in his free one, his expression stoic. “I don’t have women in my life,” he corrected.
I took a deep breath. There was still something nagging me at the back of my mind.
“A few days ago, in the break room, I wanted to talk to you. But there was one woman with you in the break room that day. She was laughing and touching your arm. She didn’t seem like an employee.
It seemed like you two were very close.”
“Oh, Jill.” His laugh made me sit up straighter.
“Jill?” I asked, caught off guard by the sound of her name. It was the affectionate way he’d said it that bothered me.
“We were friends a long time ago, Lexi, and we dated for a while back then. I’ve known her since middle school.”
I swallowed, forcing out the next question. “And why exactly was she at Altika that day?”
“She was interviewing. She’s actually gotten an offer to work with us.”
I raised one eyebrow.
“So now you want to hire her?” I asked, feeling my frustration rise as I said those words. I stared at him, my chest heaving. “When she touched your arm in the breakroom, what did you tell her that made her yank her hand away from you?”
Jonah closed his eyes, and his next words came out through gritted teeth. “I told her to remember where we were.”
Aaargh. “Meaning, if the two of you were in a bar, far from work, she had every right to touch you inappropriately?”
He stood up abruptly, reaching for his clothes. “Tell me you trust me,” he demanded, his eyes flashing with anger.
I took a few deep breaths. I’d told him how two of the people I’d been closest to had betrayed me, and he still acted like I was crazy to withhold my trust?
“I do trust you to keep your word, Jonah,” I said, honestly. So far he hadn’t done anything to make me distrust him. “But … this … interviewing and possibly working with a woman you were once sleeping with? I’m not comfortable with that. And why didn’t you tell her you were seeing me?”
He pulled his jacket on, looking angry. “Because you and I aren’t in a relationship right now. Because you and I aren’t openly dating. I don’t see why this is a problem.”
My heart shattered into a million pieces at his words. Sure, we had just been sleeping together so far, but all those times he’d called me his, told me he wanted the world to know I was his… had he lied to me?
“You don’t see why this is a problem?” I stared at him, incredulous.
“Jonah, you tried to hire a nanny so I’d skip a child’s birthday party to spend time with you.
You get jealous when I so much as mention another man’s name.
But I’m supposed to be fine with you hiring a woman you used to sleep with and telling her to remember where you are—implying that somewhere else would be different? ”
His jaw clenched, but he said nothing.
“You want my trust?” My voice shook. “Then stop acting like your jealousy is justified but mine is crazy.”
“All I’m asking,” he said, through gritted teeth, “is that you trust me when I say I’m not sleeping with her right now.”
“Trust you?” I let out a breathless laugh. “We haven’t even talked about what this is between us, and you want me to trust that you’re not sleeping with someone else?”
His eyes narrowed. “Yes. I’m asking anyway.”
I drew a deep breath, my heart aching. “What exactly is this between us? Can you define it for me?”
He hesitated. “I haven’t tried to define it. You’re twenty-four, while I’m pushing forty, Lexi. We’ve just been enjoying what we have.”
I met his gaze, fuming. “Don’t use my age as an excuse. And the answer to your earlier question is no. We’ve made no commitments, and we’re nowhere near the point where you can ask me to trust that you’re not sleeping with someone else.”
It seemed like a shutter had fallen down on his face, blocking all emotions. I couldn’t read him anymore.
“I don’t do feelings, Lexi. I like my life the way it is, no complications and no emotions. And certainly no one to tie me down.”
I turned away, hoping to hide the hurt on my face.
There were days I’d fantasized about finding a good man, but even I’d never dared to dream about someone as awesome as him. He was perfect. He just … wasn’t mine.
A shaky breath escaped my lips. “I can’t keep meeting you like this, Jonah.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me, Lexi,” he spat out.
I wished I were.
He ran a hand through his hair, his jaw tight. “You know what? Maybe this was a mistake from the start. We’re in completely different places in our lives.”
“That’s not fair!”
“Isn’t it?” He cut me off, his voice sharp. “You’re heading towards something I can’t give you. Commitment, marriage, and a future. You deserve someone your own age, someone who wants the same things you do. It isn’t me.”
“I never asked you for any of that,” I whispered, my voice breaking.
“Not yet. But you will.” He looked at me with something like frustration. “This age gap... it’s too much. You’ll realize that eventually. I’m just saving us both the trouble.”
He stormed out, and I fell back on my bed, angry and furious with myself. Jonah had always been so closed off. Why was I asking for more? Why couldn’t I just trust him?
Was trust really that important to me?
Apparently, it did matter. I hadn’t been able to trust my mother and Evie’s dad. Surely, I needed to be able to trust the man I was seeing while we were together.
Together, I thought, hitting the pillow with my fist. What a fucked-up word for the situation we were in.