Chapter 9 #2
Morag’s brow furrowed as she considered. “You do not know for certain?”
“Not truly.”
“Is there a way to find out?”
“I have written to my mother,” Nessa explained. “Who I hope will provide me with a clearer answer.”
“Well then …” Morag clicked her tongue. “Until you can be sure, there is no sense becoming undone. And certainly there is no sense in letting this break you, Nessa.”
“But what if it is true?” Nessa implored.
“As I said, until you know for sure, worrying will only make things worse. My advice is to keep this to yourself, as I will do also. When more is learned, then you can decide what to do.” She squeezed her hands. “I am just glad you are not hurt or sick, Nessa. You had me worried!”
The situation was grim, but Morag’s warmth and compassion did much to lighten the mood and made Nessa feel better.
I am blessed to have her as a friend.
“Honestly, Lady Thornwyck …” Morag chuckled and shook her head. “It would not be a surprise, for she had secrets of her own. Let me tell you that.”
“She did?”
Morag just smiled. “Nothing to worry about, Nessa. For now, you and your health are what matters. Eat. Rest. And put this day behind you.”
It was good advice, and that which Nessa wanted to take. But still, the weight of unknowing sat on her shoulders, and Nessa knew that until she had answers, she would never be truly comfortable, just as she would never truly feel at peace.
Despite Morag’s protests, Nessa joined her as she headed back to the kitchen. Really, she just wanted to stretch her legs for a moment, knowing full well there was no chance that she might collapse again.
Once in the kitchen, she hugged her friend goodbye and thanked her a second time for being there for her. Then, she made her way back to her room.
As she walked the corridors of the castle, creeping carefully because she did not want to be seen, she rounded the corner and came face to face with Lord Crispin.
Nessa stopped in surprise, shrinking back with worry. While she had little to do with Lord Thornwyck’s cousin, she paled when she considered the likelihood that he might tell Lord Thornwyck of her adventure.
“Ah, Miss Kavanagh,” he said dryly, and with little interest. “I see you have recovered.”
“Yes, My Lord.” She kept her head bowed.
“Good,” he said. “You gave us quite the scare.”
“I am sorry for that, My Lord,” she said, still with her head bowed. “It was not my intention.”
“I doubt that it was.” She felt his eyes on her in assessment. “You really have settled in well these last few weeks. For one who came upon us so suddenly …” He exhaled sharply through his nose. “The new mistress of Thornwyck Hall, my cousin, seems to have taken a liking to you.”
She had no idea what to say, so she said nothing.
Nessa stood with her head bowed, and though she was sure it was her imagination, it felt as if Lord Crispin was angry with her. So, she held her breath, shrank back, made herself small, and she waited …
Thankfully, Lord Crispin either grew bored or thought so little of her that he saw no need to add to his statement. He simply stepped around her and strode on until he was gone.
Nessa exhaled with relief, her body trembling.
While Lord Crispin had not done or said anything that ought to concern her, it was the way he had spoken that sat with Nessa. She knew that Lady Verity did not like her, and now she felt that Lord Crispin did not, too.
And once again, that feeling of being alone found Nessa. She had tried so hard to find her place, but whenever she dared to dream that she had, a thorough reminder would reach her and dismiss such dreams.
***
The following morning, a letter came for Nessa. Still, she was confined to her bed, and where she thought that she would find Lord Thornwyck and tell him that she was well enough to continue in her duties, the arrival of that letter changed everything.
It was from her mother …
My dearest Nessa
It heartens me to hear from you, and it brings me such joy to learn that you have found a place at Thornwyck Hall. Of course, this joy is guarded, and I am so sorry to hear of Lady Honora’s passing. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling.
I have so much I wish to ask you, and I plan on writing a longer correspondence in the future, Nessa. I expect you to write to me also. Do not forget me, and do not think that I have forgotten you.
But you ask of your father? Truly, a surprise.
I wonder why, for I do not recall you ever caring much for him before.
Which, to be truthful, I have always felt is for the best. As I told you when you were a little girl, your father is not someone you need to concern yourself with.
Yes, he had a life before he met me, and I am sure he has one now.
But I know little of it, and while he might have been married – we never spoke of such things – I would really prefer if you put him out of your mind completely.
I love you, Nessa, but not a minute goes by that I regret him leaving us, because it bonded us in ways I will forever be grateful for. Please, forget him, and focus on yourself and this new life you have found.
And please, write to me again! More details, thank you. Tell me everything!
The letter was kind and loving, and it ought to have done much for Nessa’s sullen mood. Her mother was practical, but also loving, and as she read her letter, Nessa was reminded of how much she missed her.
I will write to her properly. She deserves that …
Frustratingly, though, her mother had refused to answer Nessa’s question! Nessa read the letter three times, knowing with each reading that her mother was hiding something from her.
Oh sure, she wrote as if she cared not about Nessa’s father, as if she was refusing the answer because it did not matter. But Nessa knew her mother better than that.
Again, questions swarmed, battered, and beat at Nessa so that she could not stand it. She was left more confused than ever, and with no idea where she might find her answers, she decided then and there that she had but one path.
Climbing from her bed, Nessa took her mother’s letter, collected the locket Lady Honora had given her, and placed them both away in her wardrobe.
She did not do it to forget, but rather so that she might move on. Nessa needed to find her place. She needed to feel as if she belonged. And until she knew how she might learn the truth, to let these questions plague her would only create confusion.
I will not forget this … but I will not let it break me either.
Was it a perfect solution? Not at all. But such was Nessa’s life that the most she could do was survive. Even if doing so was becoming harder and harder by the day.