Chapter 12
THEN
Mid July
‘I wasn’t honest with you back then either.’
The evening air suddenly felt cooler and I hugged my arms around me. ‘About what?’ My words were forced. My voice strained. Even just asking the question physically hurt.
But I couldn’t not ask. Not now.
‘Staying here, skipping graduation – I wasn’t being as selfless as I made out. Not really.’
‘I don’t understand. You figured out I didn’t want to go back. That no one would be there for me even if I did. That’s why you suggested we stayed.’
Ryan ran a hand across his face. ‘I mean, it was part of the reason…’
I frowned. ‘And the other part?’
‘I think I was trying to run away from the life that waited for me back home. The stables. The responsibility. The expectations. It all felt too much.’
‘So you proposed to me to escape going home?’
Ryan’s head snapped up. ‘That’s not—’ He faltered.
The beach seemed to shift beneath me. That moment, that connection between us, had been everything to me. Something solid. Something to build on.
The first time I’d ever felt completely accepted. Wanted.
I curled my fingers in the sand, tightening my grip, but it just slipped away.
‘It wasn’t really about me. About us,’ I said quietly. It wasn’t a question. It was a realisation.
I shook my head slowly as I fought back the tears that threatened to fall. I pushed myself to my feet, keeping my face turned away from him. I couldn’t let him see me cry. I wouldn’t.
‘Kirsty.’ Ryan scrambled up after me, wincing as his ankle took his weight. ‘It wasn’t like that, I swear. I just…’ His words trailed into silence.
My chest tightened. I always heard the things people didn’t say.
‘No wonder we never worked. I thought you’d been choosing us. Choosing me. But you had just been choosing an escape.’
‘I loved you,’ Ryan said, reaching for my hand, but I jerked it away.
Our relationship had ended two years ago, but the truth still hurt as much as it would have done back then. Maybe more. Because, for all the ways it hadn’t worked, I’d always believed one thing. He’d loved me.
Now I knew he’d simply been using me.
I let out a shaky breath.
But then—
I swallowed.
Hadn’t I done the same?
I’d manipulated him into coming to Malta in the first place because I hadn’t been brave enough to do it alone.
Maybe nothing about our relationship had ever really been honest.
Maybe none of it had been real.
I turned away from him and staggered to the water, allowing the tide to wash over my feet, not even bothering to kick off my flip-flops first.
Ryan grunted softly behind me as he moved closer. Part of me wanted to turn back, to tell him to rest his ankle, to protect him.
But that wasn’t my job. Maybe it never really had been.
I thought my role in his life had become vague and unstable when we’d left here. I couldn’t compete with his real world. The people who really mattered to him.
Now I knew why.
‘I meant it, you know?’ Ryan said. ‘I really have missed you.’
I closed my eyes, desperately trying to summon the strength to tell him that was irrelevant. Especially now.
But I couldn’t.
Because the truth was, I missed him too.
His fingers brushed lightly against my arm and I opened my eyes and turned to face him.
My gaze met his and I knew he knew it too.
My vision blurred as tears welled in my eyes, spilling over before I could stop them. Grief twisted through me, raw and relentless. For the past that had never really existed. For a future that had always been doomed to fail.
Had it really all been for nothing?
He reached forward, his thumb softly stroking my face as he brushed away a tear from my cheek.
‘We were just kids,’ Ryan said weakly. ‘We didn’t know what we were doing.’ He sniffed. ‘Maybe we still don’t.’
Despite everything, something in me softened.
How could I hold on to anger about something he’d done, when I’d done the same thing to him?
‘Neither of us were honest, were we?’ There was a hollowness within me as I said it out loud. We’d both clung to each other for the wrong reasons. The wrong way.
My gaze was still locked on his. I couldn’t break away.
It was still there. That connection.
We’d both made mistakes, but maybe that didn’t mean we’d been wrong about everything. About each other.
‘What we had felt real,’ I said quietly.
‘It was real,’ he said, with such conviction that a warm rush swept through me.
Even now, after all this time, after all these revelations, it didn’t diminish what we’d had.
I closed my eyes as memories of us planning our future together flashed through my mind, vivid and overwhelming…
Two Years Ago – Mid July
Ryan sat cross-legged on the bed, papers spread out around him, his brow furrowed as he read the same document for what must have been the third time.
‘You’ve already double checked it and so have I,’ I said from the doorway, a hint of amusement in my voice.
He didn’t look up. ‘I just want to make sure everything’s right.’
I smiled as I leaned against the door frame. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen you take anything this seriously. Not even during exam week.’
His head jolted up at that and his eyes met mine. ‘This is more important than some stupid exam. This is the start of the rest of our lives together.’
My breath caught. For a moment I was glad I had the door frame supporting me, otherwise I might have melted to the floor.
Ryan wasn’t one for big declarations and heartfelt moments. Not usually. But since that evening on the beach when he’d dropped to one knee and proposed like something out of a movie, he’d been different; focused and committed. Almost to the point of obsession.
The prospect of arranging a wedding in a foreign country had felt daunting and overwhelming and I’d assumed I’d be doing it alone. After all, that’s how it was with us. Ryan was the fun one and I was the detailed one.
Usually it would have been me triple checking every form, worrying over every detail and still convinced something would go wrong.
Ryan would have been the one telling me to relax. That it would all work out.
I’d have sighed, frustrated at him for not taking things seriously enough, while secretly envious of his ability to step back. Not worry. Just trust.
But this time our roles had reversed. This time I didn’t need to trust things would somehow fall into place.
Because he was the one making sure they did.
Filling in forms, making calls, checking requirements, figuring out how we could order copies of our birth certificates without having to ask our families. Without having to explain.
I pushed myself off the door frame, perched on the edge of the bed and picked up one of the forms. ‘I still can’t believe we’ve managed all this in six weeks.’
Ryan chuckled. ‘The hotel offering us that wedding cancellation at a discount was strong motivation to get it all done.’
I frowned as I studied him. ‘We didn’t have to take it,’ I said carefully. ‘If it’s too soon for you…’
I let my words hang. I was offering him a way out. A chance to postpone. Move slower.
Ryan froze. ‘Is it too soon for you?’
I shook my head without hesitation. ‘I’d have married you the second you asked if I could have.’
He chuckled again, the tension in his body instantly releasing.
‘But…’ I hesitated. ‘If I’m honest, when you proposed I thought we’d have a long engagement. I thought that’s what you’d want.’
His eyebrows lifted and I gave him a small smile.
‘I hadn’t expected you to be so enthusiastic.’
Ryan’s laugh was louder this time. Richer.
‘And then when we realised how complicated everything was going to be to get married over here, I thought we’d delay. Wait until we got back to England.’
‘Would you have preferred that?’
I shook my head. ‘No way. This is perfect. But it would have been easier. I thought that’s what you’d want.’
Ryan rolled his eyes. ‘I don’t need easier.’ He held my gaze. ‘All I need is you.’
Warmth spread through me. Proposing might have been a spontaneous idea when we were standing on the beach at sunset, caught up in the romance and the desire not to go home. But the feelings behind it weren’t. They were solid. He wanted this life. With me.
Mrs Kirsty Blackwater.
The name slipped into my thoughts. A new name. A new start.
Be realistic.
Janine’s voice sliced through the moment, sharp and familiar.
Don’t aim for things out of your reach.
I shook my head, forcing it away. It didn’t matter any more. Whether Janine was right or wrong, I wasn’t alone. I had Ryan. And, in two days’ time, I’d have a ring on my finger to prove it.
‘Are you sure you don’t mind not having a big wedding?’ Ryan asked. ‘A proper wedding dress? A—’
‘I don’t need one,’ I said quickly. ‘We’re getting married on the beach.
I’ve bought a white sundress. It’s light and simple, it’ll be perfect.
Our friends from the hotel will be there.
We’ll have drinks at the bar afterwards.
And we don’t need to go anywhere for our honeymoon – we’re already here. ’
‘But—’
‘Nothing else matters,’ I cut in more firmly this time. I reached for his hand, threading my fingers through his. ‘Like you said… all I need is you.’
His phone rang and my gaze shifted to the bedside table.
‘It’s Mum,’ Ryan said, reaching for the phone.
My stomach lurched.
‘Don’t answer it,’ I said quickly. ‘You know what she’s going to say.’
Her calls had been the same ever since he’d skipped graduation. Full of questions, pressure and guilt.
We didn’t need that. Not now. Not so close to the wedding.
He hesitated. ‘Yeah, but I’d rather deal with it now than on our wedding day,’ he said with a groan.
‘Ryan—’
But he was already answering.