Chapter 23 – Alana
Chapter
Twenty-Three
ALANA
Alejandro is still busy, and there’s nothing I can do to fix things between us right now.
Instead, I join Lucia and Kelsey in the garden, enjoying the evening sunshine and their pleasant, soothing company.
I’ve missed this, I realize, as we regale Lucia with tales about our college days.
Most of the funny stories involve Kelsey, but I was there for a lot of them.
It feels good to simply spend time with women.
Magda has set us up with snacks and drinks, and on the outside, everything must look easy and normal.
Inside, though? I’m worried, about everything.
About Mateo and Maria. About who shot him, and the fact that it might start a war.
About the news that Dr. Kelly gave us, what feels like a lifetime ago now.
Mainly, of course, about him. My husband.
The love of my life. The man who, right now, seems to want nothing to do with me.
I keep thinking I should get up, go and knock on his office door. Take him a snack from the spread Magda prepared. I meant what I said earlier when I told him he needed to rest and recover. He made that little joke about me being his mom, and that was the last lighthearted moment we shared.
Lucia’s reaction to my homecoming seemed to trigger him again, bring his anger and frustration rising to the surface. I became the enemy, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I occasionally see Hugo walking in and out of the house, his phone stuck to his ear, and at one point Jax turns up, too.
He’s busy, I tell myself. He won’t welcome my intrusion.
As it starts to grow dark out, the security lights spring to life. I know there are guards out there, keeping us safe from any threat. The real danger, though, is already in here. Alejandro and the pain he’s carrying around with him.
Kelsey starts yawning, and I realize how little sleep I’ve had as well. I yawn too. Then Lucia. All of us laughing as we catch each others’ fatigue.
I notice the light in Alejandro’s office switch off. It’s time to go. “Shall we call it a night?” I suggest.
“Sounds good to me,” Kelsey replies. “That king-sized bed in your guest room has been calling to me for hours. I’m so whacked I’m not even sad I’ll be in it alone. I hoped to persuade Hugo not to be such a gentleman.”
I widen my eyes, gesturing towards Lucia.
“What?” Lucia says. “I’m pregnant, in case you hadn’t noticed. I already know about sex. Anyway, the school sent me some reading to do before I start next week, so I’m going to catch up on a bit of that.”
“Sounds like a good idea,” I say to her approvingly.
One of the conditions of her staying with us was that she had to enroll in the local high school and attend all of her classes until she has the baby.
She agreed to our request and seems happy going back to school and being able to act at least a little like a normal teenager again.
They both disappear into the house, and I follow on.
I clear the plates and glasses. Magda would do it in the morning, but I’m still not quite used to letting another woman always clear up after me.
And maybe, just possibly, delaying things a little.
I’ve been desperate to be alone with Alejandro all evening, but now it’s here, I’m nervous.
I consider loading the dishwasher, but decide that would be an excuse too far.
It’s time.
I walk up the stairs and into our bedroom.
Alejandro is already here. He has his back to me, standing beside the bed, pulling off his shirt.
As ever, I get a fluttering feeling in my stomach while I watch him tug off the shirt and toss it into the laundry hamper.
The muscles in his back flex as he moves his hands to his belt, and I draw in a shaky breath.
Does he even know I’m here? He’s usually hyper-aware of such things, but this is not an ordinary night. I clear my throat and walk further into the room. All I want to do is wrap my arms around his waist, bury my face in his chest. Kiss him, hold him, and comfort him.
I walk further into the room. He turns his head slightly but stays silent.
“Are you okay?” I ask him simply.
His only response is a snort as he pulls his belt off and throws it onto the bed. Despite the atmosphere between us, I shiver when I recall the promise he made me about that belt earlier today.
I hesitantly walk towards him. I need to reach him, and the only way I know to do that right now is to go straight to the heart of the matter.
“Of course you’re not okay,” I say. “That was a stupid question. Your father’s in the hospital, and I know you must be upset about that last conversation you had with him. You know you can talk to me about it, don’t you?”
His head snaps up, and his eyes narrow. His nostrils flare in anger. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such rage on his face. “Alana! Don’t,” he growls.
I take a step back, my hand going to my chest. “Don’t what?”
“Don’t push me.”
“I’m not pushing you,” I reply. “I’m asking you a question. Talk to me, Alex, please!”
He shakes his head angrily. “There’s nothing to say. Leave it alone. You might not like the answers I give to your questions if you keep asking them.”
What? What does he mean? He is clearly holding on to something. Some resentment, some feeling that he’s trying to suppress and doing a terrible job of. Until I know what’s wrong, I can’t fix anything.
“Well I don’t like this either, Alejandro. Do you…do you blame me for what you said to your father?”
He turns around, his face a picture of fire and fury. “No,” he snarls. “I will never forgive myself if they are the last words I ever say to him, but that’s not your fault. He should never have said those things about you.”
I blink at him. “Then why does it feel like you’re so angry with me?”
“I’m not,” he barks as he continues undressing.
“It certainly feels like you are.”
He steps out of his suit pants and throws them onto the bed too. “Seriously? You really want to do this right now?”
“Yes.” I don’t, not really. But I also know that this is how marriages break. It’s through silence, through festering arguments and annoyances that hide in the dark, poisoning everything. This might end in a row, but at least it will all be out in the open. Then maybe we can start to move past it.
He scowls and then takes a few steps toward me.
“Okay, Alana. If you really want to do this, then yes, I am pissed at you. If I hadn’t been chasing you across the fucking country, I would have been here in LA, and my father would have been with me.
” His voice is a bitter crack, and a vein in his temple throbs.
I swallow as he towers over me, shaking with fury.
“And if he’d been with me, he wouldn’t have been driving around fucking LA alone.
He wouldn’t have been shot. He wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed with half a dozen machines keeping him alive!
” His words come out in a shout, and I take another step back from him.
He’s a terrifying sight right now, but I fight desperately not to show my fear.
“I never asked you to come after me,” I say simply. “I told you I needed a few days. You knew I’d be back.”
“No,” he shakes his head. “No, I didn’t know that.
And you didn’t tell me a thing. You sent a vaguely worded text message to Lucia.
Who by the way didn’t see it for hours. You ran off like a spoiled child and left me to go fucking crazy wondering where the hell you were and if something had happened to you.
If you were safe. If you’d left me. If I’d ever see you again.
So no, you didn’t ask me to come after you—but what choice did I have? I should have been here, with him.”
I blink as I feel tears stinging my eyes, and I bite my lip so hard I taste blood.
“Oh for fuck’s sake don’t start with the tears, Alana,” he says with a shake of his head. “I’m not in the goddamn mood.”
He pulls off his boxer shorts and climbs into bed. I look at him, wondering whether to climb in there with him. Does he want me to beg forgiveness? Does he want me to touch him, to comfort him?
The way he just spoke to me was harsh and hurtful, not to mention unfair. It’s not my fault his father got shot, but his logic is tangled. He’s in his own personal hell of grief and guilt. He lashed out at me, wounded me, but I can look past all of that if I think he needs me. If I can help him.
He rolls over in the bed, even managing to make that small movement full of rage. Then he presents me with his back and doesn’t say a word.
I love him, and I want to help him, but I have my limits. Right now, he’s being an asshole, and I’ve hit those limits. There’s nothing to be gained until he’s calmed down.
I walk out of the room and down the hall to find Kelsey.