Chapter 19
If he thought that he could just drop that sort of bomb on her and walk away as if nothing had happened, he had another thing coming.
Emily turned, smiled very awkwardly at the three women who had come to find her, and followed Kaden right out of the library.
Knowing full well that his sisters were the sort who would stand behind a door and eavesdrop, she did him the courtesy of not speaking about it until they were a fair few paces away from the library and out of earshot.
“Who do ye think that ye are?” she hissed.
Kaden didn’t even bother to stop walking. He turned and flashed her an impish smirk. “I’m the Laird.”
Oh, she could have seen red.
“Ye ken exactly what I mean, ye big lummox!”
That gave him pause. He stopped, his brow furrowing, clearly unsure if he was amused by her comment or a touch offended.
He clasped his hands together behind his back and turned to face her. “I think ye might feel a bit too comfortable already.”
Emily rolled her eyes. “Oh, come off it! What is wrong with me chambers? Ye seem to have gone through a great deal of effort to ensure that they were suitable for me, had them readied with me comfort in mind, and now ye are just going to… what? Remove me from them so that ye can keep me under yer thumb a little better?”
Kaden’s eyebrow rose. “Is that the sort of man ye think that I am?”
“I havenae ken ye long enough to ken what sort of man ye are!” Emily huffed. Her voice was starting to rise, and she had to force herself to stop.
She inhaled sharply through her nose and shook her head as she forced herself to speak in a more reasonable tone.
“As ye can see, I have family who very much like to insert themselves into me business, whether I want them to or nae,” Kaden spoke casually, but she could sense the annoyance under his words. “Ye are soon to be me wife, and ye must start acting like it. Ye cannae avoid me forever.”
Emily scoffed. “This is because I didnae choose to have breakfast with ye?”
The ticking of the muscle in his jaw told her that yes, that was exactly what this was about, but he was too prideful to admit it.
“Nay, this is so that both of us will be allowed to have some privacy from time to time. Do ye nae think that me family will come and pester ye or me, or both of us, if they think that even the smallest thing is amiss in our marriage?”
Oh, there was something much deeper to this story than she knew, and that much was obvious. Was that something that she was allowed to ask about?
Perhaps not, but she was going to try anyway.
“Why does it bother ye that they are so involved?”
Kaden seemed to consider her question for a while. “Have ye ever had somebody from yer past come back into yer life and treat ye like ye were the last version of yerself that they kent?”
Oh, this had to do with what Skye had told her earlier.
Emily’s gaze dropped to his wrists and the thick leather bracers that he wore at all times.
He probably even slept in them. All of his scars were off limits.
She wasn’t bold enough to ask about them again, when he had reacted to even her moment’s hesitation before so poorly.
The only answer that she had for him was, “Sort of.”
Kaden nodded. “Ye cannae expect people to grow and nae change, even if ye wish that they would stay the same. I fear that it is a maither’s wish for her children to never grow up and stay young forever, just as it is the nature of folks to hope that the image they have of a person will never be shattered. ”
Emily stepped forward, placing a hand on his forearm. “Some expectations are impossible to live up to. I ken that feeling very well.”
Kaden nodded, seemingly finished with the conversation. But Emily didn’t know if she was ever going to be afforded this opportunity again. He was so rarely vulnerable, it seemed.
“Ye ken how me faither forced me to grow out of the version of meself that he had raised with nay warning or real preparation. Overnight, practically. It shattered the image of him that I had throughout me childhood. I thought of him as this hero to look up to, to model meself after. I worked so hard…” She shifted, turning up her palms so that she might look at them better.
The scars that she had were nothing compared to those on the man in front of her. But she had archery calluses on her fingers and palms, and deep lash marks up and down her forearms from improperly using bracers during childhood.
While hers were all fading now, she mourned the loss of the strength that her hands once possessed when she was allowed to live the way she wanted.
“On me coming-of-age day, he removed all me riding clothes and replaced them with fine dresses. He said that now I must be a lady, and never looked at me the same after that.”
She felt close to tears, confessing her shame out loud. But she refused to cry in front of Kaden. That wasn’t what all of this was supposed to be about in the first place. She just wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone.
“I was pushed into this box that I had never tried on before, and me faither was shocked and appalled when I didnae fit easily inside of it. Then, he decided one day that I was little more than currency to be traded to a man for whatever he could get for me… And he thought that the daughter he had raised to be strong was going to go easily?!”
A single tear rolled down her cheek before she could stop it, and she quickly dashed it away.
“Maybe that isnae exactly what ye mean, but I can understand. I am nae trying to avoid ye, but I willnae let a man tell me that me wants and dreams arenae worthy ever again. Ye agreed with me the other night, so why can ye nae understand that I need time to do what I—”
Kaden pulled her in, wrapping his arms around her, and she fought back her tears as she allowed herself to be held.
She closed her eyes, focusing on the strong, steady beat of his heart against the side of her face.
She fisted her hands into his shirt, relishing the feel of him for only a moment before shoving him away.
“This is what I am talking about, Kaden. We agreed on a year, and then ye will have yer heir and everything that comes with it. Ye cannae just keep kissing me to change me mind, or attempting to seduce me so that I will do what ye want. If ye cannae do that, then…” she trailed off.
But she knew that he understood she meant that she would leave if she had to. Even if that meant she left with nothing more than the dress on her back, she would do it if she had to.
The very idea terrified her, if she was being honest about it. And putting aside the fact that she had nowhere to go, she didn’t want to leave here. She… wanted to be with Kaden.
But not if she couldn’t be herself while she was with him. She had gone through too much to lessen herself now.
Kaden’s brow furrowed as he looked down at her.
“Perhaps we havenae been honest enough with one another. Ye have to ken that in me position…” He sighed.
“There is a certain image that we must present. Even if ye and I ken how things are behind closed doors, there is a part of this that ye must uphold too, Emily. If ye daenae, then ye are getting what ye want, and I have to bear the consequences alone.”
There was no cruelty or accusation in his tone, merely a statement of fact.
She hadn’t even thought about how it might cause him to lose face if his betrothed didn’t show up for breakfast on her first morning in the castle.
She had only been thinking about how hard it was going to be to think clearly, let alone to eat, sitting beside the man who had made her whole evening so restless.
“But,” Kaden continued, after glancing down the hall to ensure that they were still alone. “If ye only wish to tolerate me until we have to have children, and ye cannae stand to have me around, then…”
He spoke with such thinly veiled emotion, like she was getting a glimpse into the way he thought about himself, and something in her heart broke for him.
“I never said anything like that. But if our image is what concerns ye the most, then ye cannae pick and choose which manners ye wish to abide by! I willnae be like Maggie, following ye around all the time and begging for scraps of attention! First ye didnae come down to greet me—the Lord kens what me parents thought of that—and now ye come talking to me about the way things are done? Make up yer mind!”
He certainly didn’t care for the way she was snapping at him. That was very evident, but he didn’t say anything to the opposite.
“Very well,” he gritted out.
The steam left her sails, and she nodded once. If he was going to play by the rules, she supposed that she had no choice but to compromise with him as well, or else she would be the hypocrite.
“Fine,” she answered.
“Fine,” he echoed.
Emily had the very distinct feeling that neither of them was very happy with how the conversation was ending, but she didn’t know how to ease the tension.
“See ye at supper, then,” Kaden huffed and turned to leave.
“Aye! I reckon that ye will!” she snarked after him, now even more upset than she had been this morning.