Eleven
ELEVEN
T he following morning saw Mara having breakfast at the restaurant on the first floor of her hotel. It was a gorgeous spot with creamy white walls and a tiled floor; the table was cool under the breeze of several ceiling fans working so hard they all looked like they were about to spin out of their axes. The space was made even more chill by rattan furniture and warm wood tables, blue rattan place mats and a bar to the side that had a cheeky mermaid that winked at you from under a nipa hut awning.
Mara sat facing the ocean. And having that same image as the backdrop on her tablet while paying her bills…well, it was a bit sad, but it helped greatly to bask in the real-life version.
Dinner last night was amazing. But admittedly Mara felt a little lonely enjoying authentic tom yum goong by herself. She sent her family photos of her food. Certainly this wasn’t her first time eating by herself—it was still there, though, that feeling of something missing. Of wanting someone by her side.
Jay: Good morning, sunshine!
I’ll be the handsome one in the best man barong later.
Save me a dance?
Mara: Are you…sliding into my DMs?
He sent back a GIF of a squirrel sledding down a snowy hill. And if Mara had a hard time wiping the ridiculously kilig smile off of her face, well…nobody had to know. And no one was going to know, because no one else was there.
She paused, looking up from her laptop where she was in the middle of paying for Wildflower’s utility bills on one tab and partway through reviewing Alex’s contract with Tropikal Flower on another. On the table next to her was a planner with a to-do list written beside the words “Boracay break!”
It felt impossible to focus on anything today. Not with the crystal blue waters of the sea right in front of her, not with the sway of the palm trees beckoning her to drop everything and head out for a swim. Not with a plate of grilled ensaymada, parma ham and quezo de bola, a cup of coffee and dalandan juice sweating off its coolness. Not when she was still thinking about last night, the sounds she made, the grip of his hands on her body, when she touched him. She was all distraction today, and maybe it was time to accept it.
So she called Marina. Her sister was really good at distracting her even more.
“—so I asked him,” Marina said a few stories later, “‘Honey, why is there a Gundam in the linen cabinet?’”
“Let me guess,” Mara said dryly, closing her tablet a few minutes later. Of course she wasn’t going to immediately tell Marina what was going on. Marina needed to sense that something was up and then wheedle her into telling. “He asked what the linens were doing in the Gundam cabinet.”
“Exactly!” Marina laughed, her voice coming crystal clear through the call. “He’s so funny.”
Mara was suddenly hit by a strong wave of missing her sister. It really wasn’t the same, not having Marina around. Even when she spent her weekdays in Makati and weekends in QC, at the very least they had a Sunday meal together.
But now she belonged to—sorry, with —David, and even being a call or a message away, Mara still felt the distance greatly. She and David had just declared themselves settled in a new condo in BGC, a gift from David’s parents. The place was tiny, and there was very little place to hide, but they were happy. And even better, they had parking.
“Ate,” Marina suddenly said, as if apropos to nothing, “just to clarify, no one in our family is hurt, dying or in trouble, right? Did Mom mistake turquoise for tortoise at the glasses store again?”
“No, everyone’s fine,” Mara assured her sister. The memory of their mother being absolutely perplexed in a sunglasses store always cheered her up. “What a random question.”
“Not really random. You called. ”
“You make it sound like we never talk on the phone,” Mara grumbled, nibbling at her triangle of queso de bola.
“Ate, Gen Zs never call,” Marina said, which made Mara roll her eyes. Mabel and Marina always tried to lecture her on the ways of their generation, as if the three of them didn’t grow up in the same household with the same Wi-Fi password and VHS tape rewinder. “Everyone is fine. Which means whatever you want to say to me isn’t urgent enough to be an emergency, but urgent enough that you needed to call. So what’s up? Tell me everything.”
Mara leaned back against her seat, squirming so her thighs didn’t press up against the legs of the chair. She wasn’t sure how to explain herself, or even begin to tell her sister about what happened.
So she said it in point-blank terms instead. That she met Jay in Boracay. That they “did things” last night. Let Marina fill in the blanks whatever way was comfortable for her and react accordingly. Which, on her part, turned out to be a screech that was heard all over Boracay and the rest of the Visayas Islands.
“Anak ng kabayo, Marina,” Mara hissed. “Hala sige louder pa bes! I don’t think God heard you!”
“ATE, YOU SLUT!” Marina sounded absolutely delighted, cheering. “I am so happy! I freaking knew you and Jay would be good together. I told Mabel—”
“Oi, oi, no, we’re not together,” Mara clarified. “We didn’t exactly put a label on it, but it’s not serious. We were just…”
“Not seriously carried away by passion. Mmm-mhm, mmm-hmm.” Mara decided not to correct her little sister, shaking her head instead while she couldn’t see. “Pero Ats, you sure with the casual relationship stuff? I always thought you were a true love kind of girl.”
“I mean, it’s fine for now.” It was what Jay was willing to offer, and at this point, Mara wanted to stop waiting around for things to happen and actually give…whatever this was a try. She didn’t regret it so far, which was a good sign. She was being cautiously optimistic. Saying this made Marina snort. Her sister didn’t believe her at all.
“Wait,” Marina said suddenly, “are you calling me to ask for my blessing or something, because that would be weird.”
“Weirder than you marrying my friend?” Mara asked wryly. It was the first time she’d hinted at being uncomfortable about the situation. They were finally at the point where she could joke about it and feel only happiness for them. Which she did. “No, I wasn’t asking for permission. I just feel a little overwhelmed.”
“Uh-huh.” Marina did not sound like she believed her sister one bit.
“Why didn’t you guys work out?” Mara asked. Not because she was a glutton for punishment or anything. She was just doing research. Continued research on matters of relationships and why they failed, on what she could do to avoid those pitfalls in the eventual moment that she met someone else. “You and Jay. Was it just because you wanted David more?”
“Well, there was that,” Marina mused. This was probably the first time Marina seriously considered her past with Jay. “But I had this feeling that Jay was waiting for me to cut him out. What’s the word for that? Like he was weighing and measuring the way I felt about him so he could run before I could.”
“Naninimbang,” Mara said, the word a sigh on her lips. That sounded about right. She felt it last night, when he was watching her, waiting. And it could be a good thing, in the current situation that they were trying to navigate. But would they always be like that?
She shook her head. It didn’t matter. Jay wasn’t willing to give her more than introductory lessons on the topic. Regardless of what his issues with relationships were, they weren’t in one. Mara wasn’t supposed to feel anything more for him than a fond gratitude.
“Yes, tumpak.” Marina pulled Mara from her thoughts. “He was holding back. And I didn’t get a chance to figure out why, or try to get him to let go.”
“Gets.” Mara sighed deeply. What her sister described was a mountain of emotional unpacking, and Mara had never been one for sports. Or hiking.
“But you feel good about this, Ate?” Marina’s voice was gentle over the phone, soothing in a way that Mara usually tried to sound for her. “I know it can be scary, and you resisted being in a relationship for so long.”
“I don’t think it was resistance so much as nobody asked,” Mara reminded her, trying not to think back to the old crushes she held on to and just…let go. To the guys she liked who never saw her. She didn’t regret letting them go. Some of them turned out to be completely different people. But she never did anything about it.
“Yeah, but you didn’t ask, either.” Goddamn it, her sister had a point. “Even ‘just sex’ needs a certain amount of vulnerability, and you’ve never liked things that have no absolutes.”
All fair. But did that necessarily explain why her kilig also made her just a little bit anxious? Was this what it was going to feel like if she was with anyone else, or was Jay somehow different?
“Is it always going to feel like this?” Mara asked her sister. “Just sex.”
“Feel like what?” Mara thought she sounded just a little bit condescending, like she was speaking to a child. But it was fine.
“I feel relaxed,” she said, speaking the feeling into reality and forming it around her. “Cared for. I feel really good about this, and it’s not supposed to be… I mean we agreed that it wasn’t going to be serious. But do I feel this way because of him, or because it’s always like this?”
“Hmm. I can tell you now, it’s not always like that,” Marina mused. “Even with someone you really know. Even with someone you’ve been with several times. Mileage varies, and there are so many factors, you know?”
“No, I don’t, actually.” Mara laughed. “Are you telling me there’s no way to guarantee that what I have right now is replicable with someone else?”
“Well, it helps if you know what you’re into,” Marina pointed out. “If you trust the other person enough to tell them, then you can work on it. But I guess that’s the thing we learned, being our parents’ daughters, right? Relationships are always going to be work. I think love is a matter of wanting to put in that work.”
Mara sighed, because her sister wasn’t wrong. They saw it every day with their parents, the things they did and refused to do with each other.
It was one of the bigger takeaways of her thirties, that friendships and relationships were not a given. That as much as you could walk away from them when they didn’t serve you, you needed to put in the work to make sure. She supposed even what she had with Jay now—something that was supposed to be a casual sex education—meant that there was work to be done. Vulnerabilities to be given away on her part.
She was still thinking about this when Marina declared she needed to go to the bathroom and passed the phone to David, who gave her chismis on Mon Mendoza (he used to have a Mohawk in high school, rebel siya eh), Scott Sabio (once gave a reading of Othello that made their English teacher cry) and, of course, Jay.
It was always easy and pleasant to talk to David, he was one of the rare men who was good for gossip. Usually guys would be all, “Oh, I didn’t ask,” or, “Guys don’t talk about that stuff.”
“Have you ever seen Jay dance? Like really dance. Choreography and everything,” David asked, and Mara had to admit, no, she had not. “He was, like, the dance guy when we were in high school. I think he still has a bunch of videos on YouTube. Look up Hopia Street and you should find him.”
“That is the dumbest name I’ve ever heard.” Mara laughed, but she did make a mental note to tease Jay about it.
“Well, he was pretty hot shit back then. I think that’s why Selena Guerro fell so hard for him.”
Mara was aware. She remembered Jay’s story about failed expectations, broken plans. Learning the hard way that love wasn’t easy. It was pretty difficult to forget.
“Oh, Marina’s coming back,” David noted. “But I wanted to tell you nga pala, Mar. I’m setting you up with someone.”
“Bolero ka.” She snorted, because not once in their at least five years of friendship had David ever set her up with anyone, and she never asked for it, either. A rejection was on the tip of her tongue…but Mara had to admit she was curious.
“I’m serious!” David insisted, like he couldn’t believe Mara was doubting him. “He’s so your type. The kindest guy you’ll ever meet, is so tall he kind of ambles in that way you like…”
Mara knew exactly what he meant. It had been a whole discussion she had with Marina, with David watching in fascination as they described the way Adam Driver was so tall that he walked with absolutely no regard to posture. It was a thing.
“And he’s extremely cool. Extremely rich. Plays the drums. Has a dog,” David continued. “You’ll like.”
“I,” Mara said, the phrase “already have someone” on the tip of her tongue, “don’t remember you ever mentioning this stellar personality.”
“He’s been out of the country,” David said by way of explanation, as if that actually explained anything. But that was David for you. “He told me he’s looking to settle down, put down roots and all.”
“He sounds perfect,” Mara admitted. He certainly ticked off box after box, in a list that she would have come up with had anyone asked her.
“He’s eager to meet you. He’s in Boracay right now actually, attending a wedding.”
Mara decided to chance it. Why not. “Let me guess. Alex and Tori?”
“Yeah,” David said enthusiastically. “Wow, that really must be, like, fate, huh? Maybe you’ll meet Perry there!”
Mara snorted. “Is that his fatal flaw, his name?”
“Hey, Perry is a great guy. You’ve always wanted to fall in love, right? I think finally we found someone worthy.” David laughed and passed the phone back to Marina.
Mara talked to her sister a little more, but she had to admit that David’s words lingered in her head. You’ve always wanted to fall in love, right?
So then what the hell was she doing with Jay?
Mara sighed and stared at the beach for a little longer. She knew this wasn’t complicated at all. That Jay had warned her she would feel things for him that might not be necessarily real. But she needed a bit of time to figure it out, and the wedding was a perfect opportunity.
* * *
“Holy fuck.” Mara gasped as she approached Shorewinds Hotel from the beach. The setup was incredible. Clearly Kal of Tropikal Flower had decided to throw all of the original floral designer’s plans out the window and made his own thing, which was absolutely unheard of. But to his credit, it looked great.
There were circular banigs on the ground, creating a makeshift aisle. It was framed by baby’s breath, which were daintily tied together in huge, bush-like bouquets with lacy blue ribbons. The aisle led to a table that faced the beach with palm trees framing the scene.
To the front, he’d arranged the flowers in a half circle at the center, like a floral tiara facing out to the beach. Above them, rattan basket lights were set up in neat rows, with twinkle lights in between. It was gorgeous, and even better that he’d done it on such short notice.
“Kal,” Mara said to her friend when she saw him walk back from speaking to his staff. “There was a plan!”
“Oh please. The original plans were mid. I got the couple to see my vision, and I think it worked out naman. Pagoda nga lang.” Kal winked at her.
Mara and Kal met at a wedding fair two years ago, when Mara just started Wildflower. She was picking up on an industry that had barely made it through the pandemic, and Kal was one of the few stylists that was eager to share his knowledge and not be a gatekeeper. They were industry friends, the kind who liked to gossip about everyone else and help each other out. Tropikal was still in recovery from the pandemic, but with the boom in weddings, he was recovering fast.
“You learn to move quick on jobs when you need to snap them up,” he said.
He’d taught her how important community was when it came to this industry, and Mara never hesitated to mention him whenever a client asked for a recommendation. Clearly this had been a good call.
“And you,” he exclaimed, holding a hand out so he could examine Mara from an arm’s length away, “just happened to have this dress on you?”
Mara laughed as she looked down at the sapphire blue dress she was wearing. It was made of a soft cotton that blew in the breeze and had a ruffle along the top. She’d brought this dress along to wear to dinner at the Italian restaurant next to her hotel, but she didn’t mind putting it to this use. She’d gathered her hair in a sleek bun and put on a pair of gold hoop earrings and all three necklaces she brought.
To be fair, it did look good enough.
“You know me. Always prepared.”
“Mara.” Jay’s voice sounded excited as he called her name, making Mara and Kal turn to him.
You would think it was his wedding day, the way he absolutely radiated happiness as he walked to them. He was wearing a linen suit with a jacket in the exact same powder blue as the accent ribbons in the decor. His camera was hanging from a strap on his wrist, and he pointed the lens on her to take a photo. Mara stuck her tongue out and rolled her eyes. He smiled at her through his sunglasses—a different pair than the ones he wore yesterday, along with a shirt with one extra button intentionally left open, showing off the parts of his body that Mara had yet to fully explore.
In short, he looked absolutely delicious. She was so fucked.
“You came,” he said brightly as he approached. There was a moment where it was absolutely clear on his face that he didn’t know if he was supposed to kiss her on the lips or on the cheek. To be completely honest, Mara didn’t know, either.
So he settled instead for taking her hand, lifting it to his lips and kissing the back of it. And honestly she didn’t know if that was better or worse, because Kal’s eyes widened like he’d just witnessed an important event in world history.
“Of course.” Mara’s cheeks grew hot as Jay lowered her hand and didn’t let go. She felt like she was floating, or like she’d drunk champagne and now the bubbles were popping in her stomach. “I couldn’t miss my one and only ex getting married.”
“I knew it.” Jay laughed. “Alex isn’t that affectionate with me, and I dated her for a month.”
“Okay, I’m going to need you to tell me this whole story later,” Kal announced, squeezing Mara’s arm as he passed her. “I’ll see you later.”
“See you.” Mara smiled at her fellow floral designer, then turned to face her plus-one. “So is that how you met Alex? You dated her?”
“Once upon a time, the algorithm decided we would work out. I guess it was only partially right.” Jay sighed dramatically, making Mara laugh. “And now she’s marrying Tori, and now the both of them will love me by annoying the shit out of me for the rest of my life.”
“Aw, a happy ending all around,” Mara teased, poking his side with a finger.
“Long live the lesbians.” He nodded in agreement. Then he kissed the top of Mara’s head like a greeting, and she caught a whiff of his scent. Mmm. Sandalwood. He took a quick selfie of them, and they continued walking.
She tugged at the collar of his blazer. “Did you get this jacket made specifically for this wedding?”
“Yeah.” He shrugged nonchalantly. “Fabric is cheap in Taytay, and my go-to sastre in Kamuning keeps telling me my shoulders are too skinny for ready-to-wear.”
Mara shook her head in disbelief. But what she didn’t say out loud was that of course Jay had blazers and suits custom-made. He seemed the kind of guy who was particular about his look, and she had to admire the dedication. Getting things custom-made wasn’t as easy as it used to be, and this was coming from someone who never fit in anything locally made. There always needed to be a special occasion to justify the price, like Marina’s wedding.
But she supposed that if you had the fabric, and you had a go-to tailor in the garment district, you really could do wonders. Why not have a linen suit made especially for you, right? It certainly produced the, uh, desired effect.
Especially if someone was taking it off.
Um.
“Are you blushing because it’s hot?” Jay asked, more out of concern than because he could tell Mara was trying to keep her attraction to him at bay. She assured him she was fine with a wave of her hand. It was actually a perfectly cool and breezy afternoon at the beach. The sun was warm but not oppressive, enough that you didn’t mind so much that you weren’t neck-deep in the ocean at that very moment.
Jay led her to the seats for the guests, particularly the one next to Irene, who was bouncing Luna on her lap and playing Sawsaw sa Suka with her. Luna’s little giggles were infectious, and she looked extra adorable in braids with baby blue ribbons and a little crown of baby’s breath. Mara saw Jay hold up the camera to take the photo. He showed her the image immediately after, and it really looked like a stolen, happy moment. The colors were gorgeous, thanks to the sun.
“Nong!” Luna burst into giggles as Jay immediately subjected her to a tickle attack while Irene held on to keep Luna from tumbling off of her lap. “My dress!”
“Is very pretty,” Jay assured her, smoothing out the creases in the blue linen, the fabric matching his suit. “Are you ready to walk the aisle with me?”
“Yes.” She threw her arms up in the air, and Mara had the sudden urge to tuck the girl into her pocket. She was like this with all of her friends’ kids, especially when she saw them on social media. Usually because they were all fucking adorable, and she didn’t have to be the one to deal with them when they had a meltdown. “I’ll be the best flower girl ever, right, Tita Mara?”
“Tita Mara?” Irene echoed in amusement, giving Jay a knowing smile as she and Luna waved at Mara. “Are you keeping me company while these two leave me?”
“Someone has to take a video while you take a photo.” Mara smiled, moving the empty chairs around to give her the room to sit next to Ate Irene without jostling her or Luna. Jay didn’t comment and put the chairs back, shifting so he was standing behind her, casually leaning while his hand was on the back of her seat.
“And someone has to tell her all the tea about everyone else,” Jay teased.
“What makes you think I know?” Ate Irene asked innocently.
“Ate, don’t at me. You know. I know you know.”
“I do know.” Irene sighed dramatically, leaning back against her seat. She looked absolutely chic in a pale blue halter dress that had a large bow in the back. Her shoulder-length hair was styled so that it flipped up at the ends, and with her drop pearl earrings, a diamond ring on her left hand and a pair of black sunglasses, it was obvious that style was a game that the Montinola family could only slay. “In return, I won’t pepper Tita Mara over here with invasive questions about why I had to tell your inaanak that no, Ninong was not sucking Tita’s face at the beach, he was just being friendly.”
Mara’s jaw dropped, and Irene looked entirely too pleased with herself while Luna snickered at their expressions. Jay opened his mouth to retort, but someone up front was signaling him to come forward. So he glared at his Ate instead.
“Okay, I’ll make sure to walk on this side of the aisle so you can’t see Luna when we walk later.” Jay had an evil glint in his eyes. Well, she imagined he did behind those sunglasses.
That made Irene gasp. “You wouldn’t.”
“Would I?”
“You would not,” Mara said, chuckling as she poked Jay’s stomach. “Now go and be the best man ever.”
Jay grinned and leaned forward so he was face-to-face with Mara. “What if…I would rather stay here with you?”
Mara’s valiant attempt to glare at him failed so miserably she had to look away, and his grin got even bigger. She rolled her eyes and grabbed the sunglasses off of his face, which was probably worse because now she was looking right into his dark brown eyes. They shimmered with amusement and mirth, but there was a low heat there, too. One that tempted Mara to make it burn hotter.
“Ui,” he joked. “Kinilig. You should get used to this, Mara. Practice.”
That deserved a playful threat. “Sige ka. I won’t take any photos of you.”
“Ooh!” Irene sounded intrigued by the prospect, steepling her fingers together like a Disney villain. “Truly evil.”
“Hey,” Jay protested, standing back to his full height and pouting. “I promised I would populate the hashtag! AlexLovesToriBabyJustSayYes!”
Mara laughed, because one had to give flowers to the longest hashtag of all time. “I don’t think they meant for you to populate the hashtag with your face.”
“Between me and Scott, someone has to.”
“The wedding coordinator just tapped her watch,” Irene said, yanking the hem of his blazer and flapping it like a loose sheet. “I think that’s the universal sign for come the fuck on, Bridget.”
Jay, Mara and Luna gasped. Even Irene looked surprised at herself, blinking up comically at them.
“Mama said a bad word!”
“Exactly, and that’s why we’re going to go na.” Jay picked up his inaanak and pretended to shield her ears as Luna laughed hysterically. Irene gave her brother an exasperated look, but she still took the camera from him.
There was a brief moment where Mara thought the look the Montinola siblings exchanged was wistful. Like they were missing each other while they were both on the same beach. But it was gone before she could find a way to ask about it.
“We’ll be right back.” Jay turned to Mara, swinging himself and Luna toward her. “I’m going to need to approve any story you’re going to post. For the integrity of the hashtag.”
“Just go.” She was going to say more, but Jay beat her to anything else by swooping down, fully supporting Luna with his hand on her back as he gave Mara a quick kiss on the lips. So quick that his lips were slightly stained with her color, Make A Mauve. Well. Impressionist Cosmetics did advertise it as a lipstick for kissing.
Mara was still in slight shock as Jay and Luna headed toward where the rest of the wedding party was assembling. It felt like her lips were tingling, her toes curling in her sandals. She couldn’t seem to remember where she was, forgot what day of the week it was, what time. None of that seemed important at the moment, not even whatever it was that Irene just asked her.
“—like him, Mara?”
“Ha?” Mara asked, confused.
“Nothing!” Irene laughed, her chic bob shaking as she shook her head. “Jay just seems really happy.”
“Of course he’s happy, we—” gave each other hand jobs last night “—we’re in literal paradise, and nobody has to work.” Mara chuckled. “The conditions are ideal. Never mind that we didn’t speak for three months before that, and that was the first time we actually got along, ever.”
“Really? He was so mopey for those three months, though. Always sighing and talking about Girls’ Generation.” Irene shrugged. “Also, any kind of happy day is a good day. God knows he could use some of those.”
It occurred to Mara that regardless of if she wanted to hear it or not, Irene was about to tell her something very private and intimate about the man she was definitely not dating. She didn’t want to be rude, so she settled instead for saying a very vague, “Hmm?” to get Irene to continue.
“We both hate it, but it wasn’t easy that the eldest-born son was the youngest child,” Irene began, both of them barely noticing that everyone was starting to take their seats. “It was a thing. People expected things of him that I was already doing, or I was held back from certain things because he had to do it first.”
“Like what?” Mara was genuinely curious. As Jay explained it, he and Ate Irene were a few years apart. Certainly there were some things Ate Irene had to do first.
“I didn’t get a driver’s license until I was, what, twenty-five? Because my parents insisted it wasn’t safe for a single woman to drive around the city by herself. So Jay had to drive me around for most of college, until I put my foot down and got a license for myself.”
Mara winced. She could understand the feeling. One where you didn’t want to be the burden on any of your siblings, because it was your job to do things first. As well as the reality that, knowing as much as your parents loved you, they could also be absolutely irrational and ridiculous. That sometimes, you needed to ignore their shit to get what you needed.
“Well, I don’t totally regret it, because we got pretty close because we kept getting trapped in traffic.” Irene chuckled. “But you get what I mean? He feels a big amount of responsibility that I personally think is undue. When our parents separated, he was the one who spoke to the banks and the lawyers, because I had to be the one to manage them emotionally. When I got pregnant and the pandemic hit, he stayed with me. We had swabs up our nose every week, went to the doctors, and he was in his PPE for the whole time I was in the hospital.”
“It must have been scary for both of you,” Mara sympathized. The Barrettos were lucky none of them needed serious medical attention at the time—more than lucky, really. But she remembered the string of weddings, wakes and other family events all over Zoom too well. Even then she couldn’t imagine the risk of having a baby in a hospital at the time.
“He made me feel less scared. Jay’s a scaredy-cat most times, but give him something to focus on and he’ll power through with flying colors.”
That felt oddly reassuring.
“Our parents needed money so they could move as far away from each other as possible, so when they sold the house, he was the one who bought a place in Pasig for us all to live in.” That made Mara’s mouth widen in surprise. It was no easy feat to outright purchase a condo, especially if it was a recent purchase. “When Luna started day care and needed someone to pick her up, he renegotiated his job with his Hong Kong firm to scale back his hours, because my job declared a return to office.”
“That sounds…” Mara tried to think of how to respond. It all sounded like good things. Great things. Things that would have been major hurdles for other families, the kind that would require bigger sacrifices or adjustments. Quite frankly, it was incredible that Jay had done all of that for his family, and definitely made her respect him more. But the way Irene said them made them sound like they weren’t great things at all.
“He’s never complained, and if he ever felt pressured, he has never, ever shown me,” she continued.
Suddenly she knew why Ate Irene wasn’t happy about it. Because she was the older sister. The panganay in Mara knew that it wasn’t a good feeling, needing to rely on your sibling so much. That feeling of thinking, This should be me! and feeling guilty knowing your sibling was having a hard time, while also feeling guilty about needing them more than they needed you. “And he keeps finding more to do, when I never asked him to!”
And it was no one’s fault, really. Certainly no one’s character flaw, loving their family. But it did add a lot of pressure to an already complicated situation, she could only imagine.
“It’s like he’s trying to meet someone’s inflated expectations. All while fully convincing himself that he can never meet them.”
What did it take to convince a guy so good at making people love him that he was terrible at love? She hadn’t fully believed that it was just the Selena Guerro thing. But add to that separated parents, a jilted older sister and a family that needed him more? She understood. It felt like she was standing outside a tower of Jay’s boundaries. She was in his territory but not quite fully inside his court.
The music started to play from a string quartet, all of whom were wearing rainbow scarves in various ways. That was cute, and clearly a signal that the ceremony was about to begin. But Irene was too deep into her story to stop.
“I’m getting married in two months,” Ate Irene said, turning to face the altar, her arms crossed and her shoulders slightly defeated. “It took a while for my fiancé and I to figure out that we really loved each other, what it meant that I already had a kid with someone else. So all of a sudden Jay has a three-bedroom condo to himself when he never really wanted one, he has all this free time, and I…” Her voice caught, and Mara remembered the wistful look that the siblings had exchanged earlier. “I just want him to be happy. I want him to live his own life. Luna and I will still be in it, but…”
“It’s not going to be the same,” Mara said. It was funny how much she understood Irene, despite this being the first real conversation they’d had. Maybe it was a Montinola thing, having such deep conversations so early on? “My sister got married three months ago, and it’s not the same. But I know that as hard as it is for me, it’s harder for her. It’s not life if it doesn’t have change in it, I think. I’m still learning that lesson myself.”
“It’s a hard one,” Irene admitted with a small smile. “He loves fiercely, my little brother. He’s just really good at convincing himself that he’s bad at it.”
In that moment, she was filled with the sibling urge to hug Irene. Mostly because it felt like someone was echoing a lot of her own emotions back to her, and Mara of all people could understand that burning need to make sure your sibling was happy. But also because what Irene had shared about Jay was incredibly personal, the kind of story you didn’t tell just anyone. Mara appreciated it.
“I think you’ll be good at falling in love with him,” Ate Irene said happily, as the violins started to play for Alex’s entrance.
But in the back of Mara’s mind, she recognized that everything she knew about Jay so far, she had heard from someone else. How much had she told him about her fears, her insecurities and her worries, in comparison? It wasn’t a competition, but surely, surely it had to be a little…even, at least? Jay didn’t tell her any of this himself for a reason. Irene was telling her all of this because she assumed that Jay had decided to fully open his heart to Mara.
And if she sprung a couple of tears when Alex walked the aisle, it was easier to believe it was fully because her old friend looked absolutely gorgeous, and so incandescently happy. It was always a good moment, seeing two people vow to be together. And while the yearning in Mara’s heart wasn’t new, it seemed to hurt just a little bit more today.