Chapter 33
CJ
CJ feels cold all over when the text comes through.
Truly nauseous. Everything with Ash is such a fuck-up on her part, so needlessly dramatic.
By the time Luis finds her at work, phone still in hand, disbelieving, she is so furious with herself that she barely makes sense.
As soon as he is able to, he marches her back home and calls an emergency meeting with Miguel and Todd, opening the intervention with: ‘CJ is about to blow up the best chance she’s had at happiness in the entire time I’ve known her. Can we fix this?’
Miguel and Todd immediately leap into a role they play so well: empathetic, probing, merciless.
‘Oh my god,’ CJ says, as the three men collectively hold their breath so that she can read the missive aloud to them. ‘She hates me. This is all Ash speak for like, I hope you die in a ditch and it hurts.’
‘Pass that here,’ says Miguel, shaking his head. ‘Because that is not what she means. Ash doesn’t wish ill on anyone.’
‘You didn’t see how she looked at me,’ CJ says. ‘I really hurt her. It’s been haunting me.’
Luis shakes his head. ‘You are so …’ he says, sticking out his bottom jaw and reaching out like he’d like to throttle CJ.
‘I know!’ she says. ‘I fucking know! And I’ve never fucking cared before, but now I do! But this text …’
Miguel hands back her phone, tipping his head from side to side in consideration. ‘I do kind of see what you mean,’ he says. ‘It’s very … what’s the word when there is a meaning that isn’t in the words?’
‘Subtext,’ Todd and CJ say at the same time.
Todd intercepts the phone. ‘As the only other native speaker here,’ he says, ‘gimme. I need to reread this thing too.’
Everyone waits as his eyes scan the screen.
CJ eyes him as an intense wave of fear creeps in, heartbeat racing, breath becoming ragged, heat in her cheeks.
She reaches out to the kitchen island and the three men turn to stare at her.
She grabs it hard, makes a noise, she thinks, she’s not sure – she’s struggling to connect her thoughts. She notices her hand is trembling.
‘Toilet,’ she croaks, her bladder begging for attention and her feet unable to shuffle her in the direction of the loo.
‘Do you want help?’ says Luis, immediately by her side, hand on her elbow. ‘CJ, are you OK?’
‘Hmmm,’ is all she can say, stunned by the way her body appears to be betraying her.
She’s shutting down, her brain a big dark and empty room with a small overhead light on somewhere at the back, the very back, but everything else enveloped in black.
Her chest hurts, but Luis manages to get her into the bathroom where she can’t pull down her own shorts – Luis has to help her.
He’s talking, saying things, but she can’t hear him.
She sits down. Lets the liquid flow out of her.
Finishes and puts her forearms to her thighs, her forehead to her hands.
Wills herself to breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
‘Cousin?’
‘I’m OK, Miguel,’ CJ croaks. ‘Just … freaking out.’ She’s breathless, finds it a struggle to talk.
The thought of losing Ash is unbearable.
In her absolute heart of hearts, if she is truly, unbearably honest, what CJ wants is to look Ash deep in the eye and ask her if there’s a way they can make this work.
As her breathing gets back to normal and she’s able to wipe, stand, flush, she lets that thought take root.
What would it be like to ask Ash to stay?
Could she survive her answer? Would CJ be willing to uproot her life for somebody else? She’s not sure.
‘I love her,’ CJ says, to the men who have assembled outside the bathroom door and are looking at her now with a mix of pity and compassion.
‘Oh, my darling,’ says Miguel, putting an arm around her and pulling her in. ‘Welcome to the conversation.’
They pad to the sofa. Todd hands her a tall glass of iced water with a metal straw. ‘Hydrate,’ he commands.
She does. Everyone stays quiet, waiting for CJ to say more.
‘I think,’ she says, ‘I should tell her how I feel. I think … that even if she doesn’t feel the same, it is important to tell her properly.
I think it will feel worse to never tell her what is in my heart than it would to be rejected.
If she still wants to hate me, at least I can live knowing I tried. Isn’t that what they say?’
‘It doesn’t matter what people say,’ says Luis. ‘It is what you think is right for you.’
‘But I don’t know. I can’t trust myself.’
‘You can,’ says Miguel, gently. ‘You have to.’
CJ closes her eyes, tries to summon some deep-rooted part of her that can confirm her instincts are right. Nothing happens. Todd reappears beside her when she opens her eyes again, holding a plate with hot buttered toast, and two pieces of dark chocolate.
‘For your sugars,’ he says. ‘After the panic attack. I googled it. It’s supposed to help.’
Panic attack, thinks CJ. That’s never happened before.
She eats, chews her food slowly. With every swallow she feels stronger.
When she’s finished she says, ‘What if Ash doesn’t actually mean what she’s said?
What if what she actually wants is for me to fight for her?
She’s always said nobody has fought for her before, nobody has ever chosen her and gone in to bat. ’
The men nod, all of them, as if they already knew this. CJ finds herself warming to her theme. Now she’s starting to piece it all together, what she needs to do next becomes clearer.
‘So,’ she says, slowly. ‘I will be that person. I will say out loud that I choose her, and want her and … love her.’
Luis looks at her like he might cry, eyes all crinkled at the edges, gaze soft. Miguel starts to clap, and Todd tips his head and issues a massive smile.
‘Come here,’ he says. ‘I’m so proud of you. I know it’s scary. I know everything you’ve been through makes this such a big risk, but … for what it’s worth, I think she loves you too.’
CJ could feel exhausted from all of this emotion, but instead she’s energised, a buzzy feeling fluttering around her heart, life coming back to her body as she settles in to what she’s about to do.
‘I want to go to Porto,’ she says. ‘I don’t want to wait until she’s back. I can’t wait. I have to tell her now.’
‘Oh, this is so When Harry Met Sally!’ says Todd, but CJ doesn’t know what that means. He presses, ‘When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start right away? No?’
CJ shakes her head. ‘Never seen it,’ she says.
‘Oh, for god’s sake,’ Todd tuts. ‘Never mind! Move on! We’re going to Porto?’
‘We?’ says Luis.
Miguel laughs. ‘Obviously,’ he says. ‘The great ice queen Catherine Jane Hall finally lets herself both fall in love and admit to it? We all deserve front-row seats.’
CJ looks at him, hurt. ‘Excuse me?’ she says. ‘This is my actual life?’
‘I think,’ Todd says, trying to defuse the situation, ‘that he means he’s obsessed with the narrative arc of your love story, both the love you have for yourself, and now with the beautiful Ash. Right, baby?’ He shoots a look at his husband, and Miguel nods along.
‘Yes,’ Miguel says. ‘Yes. Exactly. Sorry. That was insensitive. So … Porto? I’ll drive?’
‘Let’s check Guilherme is OK to lock up the café tonight? On the way?’ says Todd.
Luis throws up his hands. ‘OK, fine!’ he decides. ‘I’m coming too! I will ask the cleaner if they will be on call for any issues at CoLab. I’m sure it will be fine.’
CJ takes this all in. ‘I guess I’ll go pull Jorge out of school,’ she says. ‘I kind of want him to see his mam?e being brave?’
‘Co-signed,’ says Todd. ‘All right, then! Let’s do this thing!’
Everyone bundles out of the apartment fizzing with excitement.
CJ is thankful for it. If she was going to let herself suffer from any doubts that this is the correct plan of action, the collective energy carries her, makes her believe that what she is doing is right and good and important.
The smallest voice in the back of her mind asks if she’s disregarding Ash’s boundaries at all, going in to her holiday with Willow, all guns blazing.
But she doesn’t want permission to show up, an intellectualisation of what is, essentially, CJ’s first (but perhaps not last) grand romantic gesture.
‘Can somebody try to find Willow on Ash’s social media?’ she says, as they frogmarch up the hill to Querido, on the way to the car. ‘I don’t want Ash to know I’m coming, but maybe we should check in with her best friend, just in case I’ve totally misread this?’
‘I follow her,’ says Luis.
CJ shakes her head. ‘Of course you follow Ash’s best friend who you have never met,’ she says playfully. ‘Obviously.’
‘Hey,’ Luis says, opening his arms wide, no flies on him. ‘She followed me first. I think Ash must have told her some wonderful things about me.’
‘Urgh,’ says CJ. ‘Spare me.’
Luis laughs and they loiter on the street as her cousins fuss about in the café, lining everything up for their departure.
It was their day off anyway, but they’re normally nearby just in case they’re needed, or at the very least at the end of the phone.
And if they’re not around, CJ is. For them all to be a three-and-a-half-hour drive away is unusual, so it makes sense the boys would want to double-check everything is as it should be.
CJ runs a hand through her hair, lets the sun warm her skin. She watches her cousins through the glass of the café window, and then when her eyes shift, she realises she’s being observed by a woman.
‘Mona?’ CJ says, confused. ‘I thought you’d gone home!’
‘CJ!’ Mona says, getting up from her empty coffee cup. ‘Hello, darl!’
‘Does Ash know you’re here?’ CJ says. ‘Did you … not leave?’
‘Came back, actually,’ Mona laughs. ‘Two nightmare travel days took me back to where I used to call home, and within ten minutes I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there.
There’s nothing for me back in New Zealand.
Not really. So I packed a few more things and then turned right back around and got the next flight back here.
I know I’ve been gone a month but, it feels like I’ve done nothing but sit on a plane.
I’m exhausted! So no, I’ve not told Ash I’m back yet.
This is my first venture out at a normal hour since landing back on terra firma.
I’ve got a bit of an investment opportunity for her, actually.
Something I can’t stop thinking about. I need to see her asap. ’
Luis offers, ‘She’s in Porto, with her friend Willow. CJ just understood that she is in love with her, so we are going to drive up there to tell her.’
CJ looks at him. ‘Are you going to pin that information on the community news board, too?’ she says. To Mona she offers, ‘Sorry. That’s probably too much information. Ignore him.’
‘Ignore him?’ Mona hoots. ‘How can I ignore him! This is excellent news! I was wondering when one of you would cotton on to your feelings. I’ve got to say, I didn’t think it would take this long.’
CJ narrows her eyes. ‘You … knew?’
‘Knew?’ chuckles Mona. ‘Of course I knew!’
‘I knew too,’ says Luis, and CJ hits his arm. ‘Ow!’ he says, although she knows she can’t really have hurt him. ‘Why hit me and not her?’
‘She’s not as annoying as you,’ CJ replies.
Miguel and Todd return from Querido, supplies in a brown paper bag, and smiles upon their faces.
‘Oh hi, Mona!’ Todd says. ‘I thought you left?’
‘I did,’ she says. ‘Then I came back. And thank goodness, or else I’d have missed all this! I hear we’re all taking a road trip up to Porto?’
‘You’re coming too?’ asks CJ.
‘If there’s room for me,’ Mona shrugs. ‘Why not? I adore Ash. I’d like to be there when you whisk her off her feet with this big declaration. I can take pictures, so you have souvenirs of it.’
Miguel looks to CJ, silently asking if this is OK.
CJ nods.
‘I think we should take the work van, then,’ Miguel says. ‘So we all get a seat.’