Chapter Three
Gunnar
H ours later, I sit in the grim silence of my office, paralyzed by a torrent of unwanted emotions. Too many to name, until one eventually overpowers them all…
Guilt.
It eats away at me as I stare at the potted arrangement on my desk. One that has no pink flowers in it because like usual, Ellie was thinking about someone else other than herself.
The absence of color mocks me, proving what an amazing person she is and what a piece of shit I am.
Bear’s soft whine penetrates my self-loathing. Looking over, I find him watching me, his disappointment evident. “I know. I fucked up.”
I still don’t understand how it got so out of hand. All I know is I felt too many emotions in that moment. Emotions I am not supposed to feel, especially when it comes to Ellie.
A light rap on the door pulls me from my thoughts just before Ryland enters. “All closed up for the night.”
I nod my thanks, feeling bad I left it for him to deal with, even if it was for the best.
Instead of leaving me to wallow in my own misery, he walks further inside and takes the chair across from me—the one Ellie sat in as we ate the food she brought, the one she smiled at me from as she wore my hat, which looks better on her than it does on me. The chair she always sits in when she comes to eat lunch with me because she doesn’t like to eat alone.
God, I am such an asshole.
“Talk to me, kid,” he probes gently. “What happened?”
I debate how much to tell him, knowing this is Ellie’s personal business, but I need to sort out all of these conflicting feelings I’m having, and if anyone can bring me some clarity it’s the man before me. A man who has been more of a parent to me than my own ever were in the short eight years I knew them. One who just happened to be at the same gas station where they left me. Instead of leaving me too, the former soldier took me home and gave me a life I would have never had if not for him.
For that reason alone, I spill my guts to him. “Ellie is going to have a baby,” I reveal, struggling to say the words out loud.
His brows shoot up in surprise. “A baby?” he repeats.
I nod.
“I didn’t realize she was seeing someone.”
I tense at the assumption, despite having the same thought earlier. “She isn’t.” My response is harsher than I intend for it to be.
His hands lift in surrender. “My bad.”
I shake my head, frustrated at myself for getting worked up again.
What the hell do I care if she’s seeing someone? I want her to be happy, I’ve always wanted that for her.
No one is good enough for her.
The little voice in my head makes a solid point.
“She plans to have a procedure and use a sperm donor,” I explain, still grappling with that knowledge .
“I see,” he says, as if he understands, but he doesn’t. Not at all. “And you don’t want her to do that.”
It’s a statement, not a question, but I find myself answering anyway. “No, I don’t.”
“Why not? Don’t you think she’d make a good mother?”
“Of course I do.”
Ellie will be the best mom—the kind every child deserves. The kind who wouldn’t abandon her child at a gas station because she decided she didn’t want them anymore.
“Then what’s the problem?” he asks, still not understanding.
“Well, for starters, she’s not ready.”
He challenges that response. “Why do you say that? She has a nice home, a thriving business, and most importantly, she has a huge heart. No one loves like Ellie does. Seems to me, she’s more than ready.”
My eyes narrow at how fucking logical he’s being about this.
“Maybe it’s you who isn’t ready,” he adds.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to deny it, but I don’t bother because he hit the nail on the head and we both know it.
“Maybe I’m not,” I finally admit, not only to him but also myself. “Maybe I don’t want her to have someone else’s baby, even if it is some nameless asshole.”
He cocks a brow. “Is that what’s bothering you about all this? The thought of her having another man’s child?”
It’s a question I have been asking myself all afternoon, one I can’t seem to find the answer to.
“Jesus, Ryland. I don’t know,” the confession escapes me on a heavy breath. “All I know is I’ve been feeling all sorts of shit today when it comes to Ellie, things I’ve never felt before, and it’s really fucking with my head. ”
His demeanor never changes. He remains calm and poised, a complete contradiction to the turmoil storming inside me.
“Want to know what I think?”
I nod, desperate for any kind of guidance right now.
“I think these feelings aren’t new at all. I think you’re just finally being forced to acknowledge them.”
My brows furrow at the statement. “What do you mean?”
“Ellie has always been yours, even if it has only been as a friend. You’ve never had to share her with anyone because every decision she has ever made has included you. The two of you have revolved your entire lives around each other since the day you met. Which, in my opinion, is why she is having to consider motherhood the way she is.”
What he says is true. There has always been an unspoken commitment between us. It’s just the way it is. How it’s always been and how it’s always supposed to be… so why the hell does she have to change it now?
“Let me tell you a story,” he says, sinking deeper into his chair. “Back when I was in the Armed Forces, a few of us were sent to the U.S. to assist a group of young, highly trained Navy SEALs who were prepping for a mission in an area we’d worked the previous year. They were a good bunch of guys, and you’ve always reminded me of one of them.”
I find myself intrigued by that. Over the years, Ryland has shared a lot of wisdom and reflection with me, but his time in the military has always been a rare topic, something I never pushed and always respected.
“His name was Jaxson Reid, and he was a hell of a guy. Still is, though it’s been a few years since I heard from him,” he continues, his admiration unmistakable. “He was one of the best of his time. Even held the highest record of any Navy SEAL at BUD/S. ”
Hearing all this, I can’t help but wonder how the hell I remind him of this guy because so far there are zero similarities.
“The night before they deployed, we all went out for drinks, and I ended up spotting a photo he kept in his wallet of this beautiful young woman. I asked him about her, figuring she was his wife or girlfriend, but turned out she was his best friend.”
Now we’re getting somewhere…
“As I listened to him talk about her, it was obvious his feelings ran a hell of a lot deeper. He eventually admitted as much but said he’d take it to his grave. Sadly, he almost did.”
Lead forms in the pit of my stomach at that last remark. “Why? What happened?”
His expression turns grave. “That summer, he and two men from his team were held captive and tortured.”
“Jesus,” shock radiates through that one word.
“It was a damn shame,” he agrees solemnly. “He spent almost a year in a rehabilitation center before he finally went back home. And guess where that was?”
“Where?” I ask.
“That best friend.”
The weight of that revelation hangs in a moment of silence.
He leans forward, eyes locking with mine. “You see, sometimes when a choice is taken from you, it can change your perspective. Make you realize what you’re willing to risk and what you aren’t. I guess the fear he had about loving this girl turned out to be far less scary than never getting the chance to find out.”
I swallow hard, the knowledge reflecting in his eyes hitting close to home.
“It can also make you realize what’s always been right in front of you,” he adds, his insinuation loud and clear. “Maybe that’s what’s happening to you with Ellie. Her taking this step without you is finally putting things into perspective.”
I think about that and wonder if he’s not right. There’s no denying Ellie is beautiful, I’ve always thought so, even when we were kids, but she’s always been more. She’s my one constant. The person who knows me better than anyone else, including the man before me.
“Let’s say you’re right about all of this, and I decide to do something about it. What if it doesn’t work out? What then?” Fear strangles me at the thought.
“What if it does?”
That response strikes with the force of a sledgehammer, awakening a profound sense of hope among infinite possibilities.
“You’ve had a rough start to life, kid. We both know that. But don’t let it control your future. Search what’s in here”—he points to his chest, his gaze unwavering—“the unknown can be scary, no doubt about it, but what’s even scarier is always wondering what could have been and never knowing. You need to decide which one you can live with more.”
He chooses to end the conversation there, rising from his chair with a quiet resolve.
His boots thud under his weight as he heads toward the door.
“Hey, Ryland?” I call out, my voice weighted with the decision I need to make.
He pauses, his hand resting on the doorknob as he glances back at me over his shoulder.
“What happened to Jaxson after he went back? Do you know?” My heart pounds in sync with the question, fearing for what the answer might be.
Until a smile transforms his face, replacing the solemnity that was there moments before. “He married her, and they have a beautiful daughter now,” he reveals, pride evident in his voice. “Guess the risk he took paid off.”
The last of his words are an echo as he walks out, leaving me with the weight of the choice I need to make.
The room seems to expand, becoming larger and emptier, as if it’s holding its breath, waiting for me to fill it with my decision. My leap into the unknown.